Dealing with an Ex-wife

I was always pretty rude to my stepdad all during my tween, teen years. It goes with the territory. Just be a good, stable role model, that's all you can do. Don't fight and argue with her. Just be a mom and a mature adult figure head in the house. Continue counseling, continue talking about it with your husband and try to come up with ways for him to inforce respect from her. If you do your part she will have no choice but to do hers. She has a crappy mom it sounds like, there isnt much you can do but prove you are not the person her mom is making you out to be. Don't over indulge her, that's what creates these little monsters at times.

is there anyway you can change your mental perspective on this and change "dealing with" to "working with" ... this may yeild better results in many areas. Jealousy is stemmed from many many places and she may be in a competion frame of mind with you and if you can help foster the change then things may change in many apects of your lives. Good Luck, I pray if I am ever in your situation that I can "work with" the parents and we can become a parenting team. I do not pretend to know what you are going thru but i have found that simple word/frame of mind changes can make a huge difference IF YOU belive in them.

Please remember, shes only 12! And unfortunately, if your husband doesnt step up and start guiding her, shes going to end up just like her mother! It sounds like you are doing a lot, but its dads turn now!

I'm going to be an exwife soon...I keep telling myself I will never be the crazy one...but when kids are involved and emtions I can see how its easy to get carried away. I'm idealistic and want to be friends with any future serious gf(s) or wives which will be in my daughters life...hopefully they're ok with that, because if not it sems like evryone gets jealous and starts being petty....maybe you could make days where your husband has alone time with his daughter, after all he went from living with her full time when she was little to living with you full time and her only part of the time right/? I'm sure she has abandoment issues or is jealous, always try and look at the other side...she needs her dad to bond with ecspecially at this age when so much can go wrong.....maybe he does this already, but if not, it could be the issue , she may feel left behind ecspecially seeing how much hes there for the new baby.....idk,...as for the wife...it depends if she was at one time reasonable..maybe try and go out to lunch with her and see what she thinks would be best, or encourage your husabd to have lunch with her to implement a parenting structure for her, and plan of action...

This must be really hard, and you've been putting up with it for 7+ years! There's not much I can say about the ex wife except to set good boundaries. I think things can be better with your step-daughter which will be good for her as well as for you and the baby.

I'd recommend reading this book... it changed the way I communicate with my teens: "How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. It's a quick, easy read with lots of examples. You will find your insolent 12 year old in here! Even a well-parented teen/preteen can be difficult, funny how much they all have in common. But you can see that your 12yo loves the baby, so you know she is capable of caring. It's a start. If she lives with her angry jealous mother, of course it will affect her so your house has to be different. Otherwise, she will never know there is another way to treat people.

I share parenting time with an angry, abusive ex. When my teens spend time with their dad, his behavior rubs off on them. They will come home angry and argumentative. Sometimes I have to stop behavior like bullying or physical stuff right away but usually it just takes a little time for my boys to unwind and get back to their normal selves. In my house, the rule is we treat eachother with kindness and respect. It's hard work to consistently model that behavior myself, with the stresses of being a single mom to two teens! But it's paying off because my boys now treat me with kindness and respect and I enjoy being around them.

Hang in there, momma! You get to practice what you learn on your 12 year old and get to practice it again in a few years as your 2 year old gets to that stage. Both kids are young and you have a good chance to turn things around.

I'm the EX Wife in the scenario...the ex hub and I have never really gotten along. Since leaving him over 2 years ago..he's had another woman get pregnant (was only with her a short time) and he now has a new 20 year old girlfriend. The best advice I can give as the ex wife...is communication. Talk to your husband about possibly being able to consult with the ex wife yourself. Express your concerns if she is a person that is adult enough to listen and try to work things out. When there is tension, no matter what age a child is...it causes them to be unhappy. They feel TORN...if they see that their new step mother and real mom are getting along..it HELPS tremendously. That is my best recommendation. Although I was scared a little when my ex hub came up with a 20 year old girlfriend..I gave her an oppurtunity to show me who she was and i'm really happy that my kids have someone at my ex's when they are there that is glad to see them and very sweet. I prefer to converse with the new GF over my ex hub. Communication is key. Can't say that enough. Good luck and keep us posted. Try hard not to let this ruin your marriage. If you love your husband...just find a way to deal with this. Maybe a group talk with you, him and the ex would help.

GRANDMA T IS AWESOME.

I've been a stepmom (and now stepgrandmother!) for over 25 years. You are not "meddling" when you are involved with your stepdaughter, you are necessary and important in her life. You are a parent to her when she is in your home. Yes, her father needs to be the main disciplinarian, but there is no way you can be uninvolved, as you know. Her father should back you up and enforce that she treat you respectfully.

12 year-olds don't say "thank you". I never expected it. She is trying to assert her independence when she says "I bought it". A 12 year-old would be jealous of a baby even if it were her biological parents' baby. Don't take anything she says personally.

Ignore the ex-wife as much as possible. It would be nice if the two of you could cooperate, but it is not essential (NEVER happened in my family). There is very little reason you should even need to talk with her, she can communicate with your husband. You can't stop her from being jealous, but you can stop being involved with her at all.

I'm glad to hear you are going to counseling. A third party can be so useful in getting things out on the table, and coming up with new approaches.

Things I've learned:
Stepparenting can be a thankless role (or it can be very rewarding over time, just not right now :-)
Don't take anything personally.
Step back and look at the bigger picture when things seem overwhelming.

Step-daughter seems to be an angry, confused tween who is caught in between jealousies, has no role-model, and does not know how to behave; so it's good to have counseling with her to open up communication!

Ultimately, it is important that she becomes a good person, a kind sister to your daughter. Continue to treat her with kindness and fairness; and give her good principles to live by! Stand by your own principles, be consistent and earn her trust. Without trust, nothing you do can change her attitude towards you!

I wonder if she has high EQ by telling her mother that she bought something with her own money, so her mom wouldn't be more jealous of you!

Coming from a family whose parents divorced and remarried fairly soon, when I was 12, I can only say that remember, at age 12 she has no control over her situation, which leads kids to try to control what they can, which is their attitude. If it hurts you, it's because her daddy loves someone else and that is how she can passively-agressively get to him. Just be an adult, don't argue with her, but treat her with respect in all situations. Let the parents dole out the punishments for behavior, and remember, she is still a little girl who is growing up and cannot control her situation, her body, and anger surfaces very easily at this age. Counseling will be good for her, but perhaps you can find a class in your area "Positive Steps for Step-Families" is a blended-family class to help everyone cope and cooperate. It could only help. Take care, D.

My best advice: Don't meddle with His and his wife's kids and her family!
If he has time with the kids, especially the older one, do NOT go there, let him go on his own, so the kids don't feel like you're interfering with their time. Also, if his ex or her mom have ANY questions, do NOT deal with them. Have your husband do so, and have clear communication with him ahead of time as to what's ok and what's not!
I know you want to be a second mom, but the reality is that if their mom is around you'll just be the "other woman" whose messing things up!
The sooner you come to realize this, the better it will be for all I think.
Good Luck!

this is a tough situation. thankfully my situation with my fiance's ex is different than most. she and i are actually friends now, and she has her own boyfriend she is living with. I would maybe try to step back a little bit.
This is not about you as a person. I would try to communicate with the ex, but if she is not nice, or accuses you of things, let your husband deal with her. as for your step daughter. she needs to respect you. she doesn't have to love you or even like you. but i would demand for her to respect me. and it will take your husbands help. he has to set up the expectations for her. it will be a long road if she hasn't had many rules or anyone to enforce them. he has to help, even if you will be primarily the enforcer.

Good luck!

you are not the "other woman" as stated by someone below. You are the MOM in YOUR home to ALL of the kids. I do agree that you should let hubby deal with his ex, the 12 yo should not be involved in the "drama" at all. My own 12 yo doesn't say thank you either, most of that is probably just typical pre teen behavior. Continue to make the rules and have everyone stick with them and do the best you can. Just because they have been easy on her up until now doesn't mean you just give up, you try even harder. Google some articles on "blended families" and check out books at the library also. Good luck.

Do not give gifts/presents to a child that does not say thank you.

In all honesty, you sort of sound like you are also jealous. Your husband chose YOU, he wants to build his life with YOU. Forget about the EX, but try to work on the relationship with your step-daughter. Deal with her as you would deal with your own child, but let her know you in no way want to try to replace her mother.

When she's in your home, she should have her own space, assigned chores, set house rules (i.e. bed time, home work, family times, etc.) As mentioned above, if you and dad are giving gifts and the child is ungreatful....then she needs to understand the consequences...which is the "gravy train" will end.

Let your husband deal with the EX!

Blessings.......

You and your husband need to sit down and decide what is going to happen, and then sit her (the 12 yo) down. Someone needs to. She needs to show respect, or have consequences that are consistent. It sounds like she is playing everyone off each other and has no consistency. You can't change what happens at her mom's house or how her mom reacts (that is between her and your husband), but you can change how things happen in your house and what you will and won't put up with. I wouldn't allow anyone in my house to treat me that way without consequences. I know that a lot of bio-parents don't want the stepparent to step up and do that, but if he isn't going to, someone has to, and you have to be seen as a team together.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but is the ex-wife really jealous, or do you just assume that is what her problem is because she's ..well the ex?

I remember my step mom being very hostile and defensive prior to meeting our mom. I was 15 when my father met my step mom and I have always a great relationship with her. She confessed to me that she felt threatened by the fact that my parents still got along, and she assumed that my mother was jealous and wanted my father back. After apologizing for laughing at what I knew was an absurd and impossible idea, I tried to tell her it would never happen, and to give my mom a chance. Well it took about ten minutes for the two of them to become fast friends. My mother made it very clear that the only reason she was civil to my father was because of us kids, and that as long as he was with someone else he would stay away from her. This made my step mom much more comfortable with the whole situation. And impossible for us kids to "choose sides", because now we had two moms who communicated with each other. in fact they often have conversations about him and his quirky ways. And incidentally, we are all still rather close today more than 20 years later. We have even vacationed together without my father :)

My point is if you can find common ground with the ex wife, but if you can, you can provide a united family to your children, all of them.

And like others have said, she is 12, her attitude comes with the age, and it probably is going to get worse before it gets better. Just show her love, and eventually she will learn to appreciate you. Best of luck..