Dealing with a Troubled Teenager (Girl)

I know you are not looking for punishment advice, but this could be a two way thing. You said the boys had drugs on them, I would suggest getting her drug tested weekly, that way, if shes dirty you will know and can find resorces to help you help her, and if shes clean you have a peace of mind atleast it's not drug related and she knows you are being serious.

The problem is not that you don't know who she is, neither does she.

She is reaching out for some sort of affection and desire to belong but going about it the wrong way.

Keep her electronics. I would recommend that you also join her in counseling but be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear.

Stay strong and good luck.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I've been there in a sense, just not to that extreme. My daughter had sent out a topless pic of herself to one boy by text and before she knew it everyone got a copy of it. I found out about it because it was accidently sent to a teacher's phone. Then I was finding all kinds of explicit texts that she was sending. It was heartbreaking to me as a mom. I too went through all the emotions you are going through. I too took away all kinds of her privileges. I wondered too what I did wrong as a mother. She is now 19 and is living on her own with her bf. Am I happy about this? No I am not but what can I do about it? All we can do is raise them in the best way we know how, hope and pray that what we taught them has sunk in and again do more hoping and praying that they go in the right direction. Even though my dtr is living w/her bf, she works fulltime and is attending college so in the whole scheme of things, she is doing well. Stay tough, ride her, she has lost all of her rights to privacy. You have done all the right things so far. Don't beat yourself too much about it. She has a free will just like everyone else. We can only instruct and show by example and hope they follow. However, do not let up on her until she has proven that she can be trusted again. I would also do what one of the other mom's suggested and that is see if you can have one of those victims speak with her. Kids have this mentality that it won't happen to them so maybe giving her a dose of reality would help. Good luck and stay strong. Know that you aren't alone. Whoever said being a mom was the hardest job in the world, wasn't lieing!

You are doing exactly the right things. This is not about punishment, but about making sure she understands the severity of her bad decisions, protecting her and helping her make better decisions.
Personally right now I would strip her of all privileges and ground her with the exception of sports and school. If you cannot supervise her closely, hire someone who will drop her off at school, pick her up and be with her every minute that she is not with you.
Then over the course of the next few months, slowly let her earn back privileges, with computer privileges being last and closely supervised for months to come. All while both of you should work with a counselor.

This is serious stuff! You could have come home to 3 dead bodies! Do not let this go. You can turn this around, but you have to be quick and persistent. There is no use crying about what you could have done different (you probably did everything right), just rolling up your sleeves tackling what's happening now.
Good luck!

Whenever you do give her back computer priveleges, put a keystroke recorder on that machine and read everything she does online. (google spector) Once you get her passwords to her email, make sure and read that too. You can also pay to have all her texts sent to your email account. Until she shows herself trustworthy, she shouldn't be trusted.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My now 18 year old daughter has done similar things. I know how very heart wrenching it is.

Here is a news story that happened in Pittsburgh that ended very badly for a girl just like your daughter. I am sure there are MANY more-google them. Have her read these. And if it were me I would find out how to get in touch with at least one of these victims and have them talk to your daughter. I will bet that they would be happy to. And it might mean more coming from a young person. I would also call your police department for someone to come and talk to her.

http://www.fox47.com/newsroom/top_stories/videos/vid_1087...

People think I'm crazy for not allowing my 13 year old daughter to have a Facebook acct and the main reason is I want to know who she is speaking to and communicating with online. I can't monitor who she talks to in chat and people do make up names on there. I found out she had a you tube acct last year and had all different boys on there. Some much older and she knew I forbid that and her having an acct. (good thing someone told on her). When I asked why she added those older boys she didn't know she said she didn't want to look rude and deny them as friends. When we go to the high school to pick up her sister she says she can't wait to go to that school as the boys walk past. That right there tells me she would talk to the older boys. She will be going to the high school next year and i don't like it because I know she will like the older boys and it is a huge school, but what can you do? I feel better knowing I'm trying to prevent some of it. She has an older step sister who introduces her to older kids and I hate it! I see that her friends all talk to her on face book and she's not even from this city. I know their parents wouldn't want them around her if they knew about her but thanks to these websites kids can now make friends with anyone. I think what you did was right. I would put a password on the computer if she meant these boys online. Hopefully they will be too scared to ever come back to your house.

YOU didn't do anything wrong. She did. There are programs they are holding in schools that are very clear about the use of the internet, internet safety, cyber staulkers, etc. She knows. It has already started before the age of fifteen. I am working in middle school and we have a lot of programs designed for these children to be aware. she violated that. The question of whether this was innocent and she didn't know, well, much like warnings when they are little and they don't go off with strangers she is testing the validity of this. And it seems exciting. I think you are doing all of the right things. Sadly we can do all the right things and still do not know who are children are turning into. Continue to open up to her, do what you are doing (you are great! what wonderful timing, taking her immediately to a counselor and confiscating these things) and you are in my opinion doing exactly what the doctor ordered. And finally when there is a clear moment, find out if she has anything to say. God bless you, so many of us have been through some strange things and I'm happy to say that things can turn around despite it being scarey for us while we muddle through.

I am so sorry to hear this! You did the right thing by taking her laptop, ipod, and cell phone away. Those were her "partners in crime," and now that they are gone, things will start getting better. Weekly counseling for your daughter was an excellent move on your part. If money will allow it, can she possibly go twice a week? That would even be better, I would think. Are her friends clean cut, or do they look like druggies? If they look like druggies, they probably are drugs, and if that's the case, she will need to get new friends. As her mother, you will have to monitor her very closely. Never give up. So sorry!

One more thought - you said she experimented sexually with a guy. Do you know if she had sex with him (or with anyone?) If she has, maybe you can try a scare tactic and tell her that you need to take her to the doctor to get tested for STD's. Just a thought.

I recently saw a great quote - "'Maybe it will go away,' the five most dangerous words in the English language.". seems you are good to have acted as swiftly and strongly as you did.

That is so stressful. Good luck. As a mom of not-yet teens, I don't have much advice, just good luck. It seems teens do better with strict guidelines. Also, I would use it as an opportunity to talk about your need/desire to make sure she is safe - making clear you are always going to be there to protect her as much as you can. And, maybe about honesty and trust issues that have been breached and what you need to trust her again. Gosh, good luck.

You can cope by being up your daughter's butt for the next few months till SHE understand how wrong and dangerous this was!! You did nothing wrong as a mom. Kids buckle under peer pressure and the sort. You need to teach her how to deal with peer pressure and talk to her about things that are right and wrong for people to do. If she is a good kid, then she might be hanging out with the wrong people and she jumped off the bridge because they did. Or she could very well have known what she was doing and is trying to get YOUR attention!

Sit down and talk with her. Listen to what she has to say and don't ask any leading questions. Ask opened ended ones where she has to give you more than a yes or no answer. Educate her about her body if you haven't already. Maybe make extra time for her, mommy/daughter dates to the movies or mall. Just be a mom and not her friend!!

S.

Wow -- my heart just stopped out of fear for you and your daughter. My kids are way too young to worry about this kind of problem yet, but my husband and I have already decided (and acted) that we will not allow any computers to be in private areas of the house, so that our kids will have to use the internet in public areas so we can keep an eye on them. Whenever you decide that your daughter has earned your trust enough to have her laptop back (and face it, one day she WILL have to use a computer again), I would enforce a similar policy -- only in public areas of the house.

Also, my take on this is that our jobs as parents is to make our kids as smart and street-wise as possible when it comes to this stuff. Because we simply can't stop them from using computers ever, and we can't be there watching every moment when they do, either. I agree with the "scared straight" approaches, but also, as she gets older, acknowledge that not every person on the internet is bad (she may make friends with other girls who have skating interests, for example), but that she needs to have a safety plan in place should she ever want to meet anyone in person. For example, meeting only in public places, ideally with you or a trusted adult along. This will set her up to be savvy about internet friendships in the future.

And one more thing -- a story I heard on local NPR yesterday discussed teen pregnancy and effective prevention programs. Apparently the stats support not only educating teens about birth control, but also helping them feel good about their future so that they are less likely to engage in such risky behavior. A lot of teens know about how to prevent pregnancy, but they don't feel like it's worth the effort because they don't see their future as worth protecting. I don't know if this relates to your daughter's situation, but it seems to me that this is very risky behavior, and I wondered what she thinks of her future and why she feels the need to take such risks. Perhaps that will all come out in counseling.

Otherwise, I think your responses are great. I hope that your daughter can feel supported and that she will see your actions come out of love and concern for her, and are not just about punishing her. Hard to do with a 15-year-old, I'm sure! But good luck.

Good work removing her internet etc.

Dont' beat yourself up, and this must be so scary for you. Your daughter is way past discipline being an effective way to get her to make the right choices, not that you shouldn't use it, but be sure from now on your tone and message when enforcing rules is logical, calm and loving and "because she's almost an adult, and you understand her needs and desires".Sort of like, "I understand boys are exciting, and that you're feeling lonely and bored, and you're a mature and special girl, and want to meet new people and feel accepted, but because of the danger involved, and the fact that for just a couple more short years, your are my responsibility and I am supporting you, I can't allow you to put yourself at risk like that. If you choose to do dangerous things, I have to remove the possibility for you as much as I can." I agree with the post below to gather the news stories to back up your position.

On a separate note, at other times not having to do with discipline, you REALLY need to keep this girl busy, and broaden her horizons. Bored kids tend to look for excitement. What are her interests? She needs to prepare for life and college soon. Are there classes/activities in addition to skating she can be doing outside of school to build a special resume for herself and meet driven responsible friends? Sounds like her skating isn't taking up enough of her spare time, even though that's definitely great. She needs close bonds and activities WITH good people. Even church groups do fun things, charity missions etc, and her peers would be nicer than older boys with drugs.

And most of all, I was working my buns off at that age bagging groceries and babysitting and washing dishes in a local restaurant to pay for all my extra privileges and leisure time (of which I had almost none, but I bought my own wild fashions and movie tickets and albums etc). She shouldn't have time for these hook ups and seeking excitement. She should be sleeping when she's not in school, doing homework, skating, socializing with good people, or being productive.

If you can possibly swing it, you and she should travel somewhere new together to give her a new perspective and allow for some long talks on buses/planes. Start to look for ways to enrich her perspective and keep her distracted from this wrong path. And also be sure to have all the thorough sex and disease talks-but in a way that shows you know she's mature, and you too were not born yesterday and her generation didn't invent sex.

Good, luck, hang in there. I think the counseling could be OK, but didn't do me much good as a troubled teen. It was my busy schedule that really kept me from getting in too much trouble. That and the fact that I had my sights on higher things I had glimpsed traveling (military dad). I didn't want to be trapped in a "boring life" and that kept me somewhat driven. And thank god there was no internet then. We had to meet trouble makers out and about, but there was no way for them to reach us at home other than to call the landline and probably get a parent answering!!!! (lots of hang ups in the teen years)

Good luck momma-thanks for the wake up call to us all-mine are younger...eeek.

You didn't do anything wrong. She made a huge mistake with meeting with those kids. I would do what one poster said, have her read some published stories of teens who have met w/ ppl and happen to be predators and abductors. As for punishment she has to understand what she did was totally wrong and has to deal with the consequences. So take all privalages away...going out w/ friends, internet, phone, etc...If i were you sit down and explain to her the damage of her actions and what could've happened and let her be open with you...Im sorry for times you're going through. Hope everything clears up. Merry christmas.

You are doing good. Keep close watch, but make sure you are also supportive and have a listening ear. Chances are she is already sexually active, or is at least thinking about it. Take her to the doctor for a full exam and STD check done, and so she can talk to the doctor about birth control and safe sex. Do not expect to be in the doctors office for this, she needs to have the same patent doctor privileged you would expect.

I've been there, not with my own daughters but with my sister starting at a much earlier age. My heart goes out to you because it is such a heart-wrenching thing to go through. In reading your post, I think that so far you've done really well in taking away her computer, phone, etc. Keep that up no matter what hell she gives you. I hope that you or a counselor can speak to her about STDs, Pregnancy, Drugs, etc. If your family has a religion, definitely get your pastor/priest involved. Get extended family involved as well, grandparents, aunts etc. Get her figure skating coach involved...Basically what you are doing is building up an army of caring adults that can speak to her in a loving way about her behavior and its consequences. On the other hand, you are holding her accountable for her actions because if she were to get pregnant, get ill from an STD, get killed, these are all the people besides her immediate family who would feel her loss. Make her see how she's not alone in the world and what she does affects everyone not just herself. Also, this process of getting the "army" together will be embarassing to her and that's okay! Shame is not a bad feeling to have sometimes. Shame makes us repent our actions. Let her feel shame and work her way out of it in a positive way.

Lastly, don't blame yourself. We did nothing wrong either. This is just a bad course she has taken. Praise the Lord you've caught her in the "early stages" so you can take aggressive action to get her back on track. Be strong. My prayers will be with you.

This may seem a little strange, but she needs to see the movie 'Strangeland.' It's a movie about a serial killer that lures girls over the internet. It's pretty graphic and a little gross, but it would get the point across. Kids these days really have no fear... they feel invincible.. but there are some real predators out there...

Good luck... I'm not there yet... I just have a 16 month old... But- I'm sure I'll be dealing with similar issues in the future...

Wow, this is so scary. You are doing such a great job handling it. I agree with all of your decisions.

I think that dialogue is so very important. I agree with the posts that suggest sharing scary stories with her, and talking about what could have happened.

It does sound like she is busy with figure skating, so I am not sure adding more activities is necessary. How about a church group? Is she involved in a youth group? I know that mine was a really positive experience for me. It might be a different group of friends with a different influence on your daughter. Just a thought.

Hang in there and keep up the good parenting.

My 2 cents:
1. Ask her WHY she was meeting/talking with boys on the internet. Does her best friend have a boyfriend, which is making her feel left out? Are kids at school making fun of her? Is it just to get your attention? Really listen to her answer.
2. She has internet access at school. You probably signed a paper at the begining of the year allowing it. Call (or email) her guidance counselor & ALL of her teachers & inform them that she is no longer allowed to use the school computers. You need to contact her teachers directly b/c often messages do not get passed along (I'm a HS teacher, so I know). Also, explain to the teachers & counselors why you don't want her on the internet any more. Ask them if they have any insight into your daughter's behaviour. THey may have noticed something.
3. Ask your daughter if she still wants to figure skate & be prepared for her answer, whatever it may be. She may be doing this in the hope that you catch her & take away figure skating as punishment. I had a friend growing up who did competitive gymnastics. SHe wanted to quit for years, but was afraid to tell her parents. In 8th grade she broke her elbow & ended her career. She was SOOOO happy!
4. If she is going to be doing this

Is daddy in the picture? You said MIL was there, so I hope yes
Have him start doting on her. She is looking for attention. Have him take her to the movies, make sure he is at every skate event. Make sure he is paying attention to her.
He needs to be the one taking her out Christmas shopping for you and maybe for Grandma too.
If dad won;t then get Grandpa to start paying attention to her or your brother, she is looking for male attention, it doesn't have to be an 18 yo sex crazed boy.

Get her on birth control. Make sure she knows about condoms. I wouldnt; say this is condoning sex but it will prevent an unwanted pregnancy, which is a big possibility.
Have her watch that MTV show 16 and Pregnant. Just today I saw an article that the pregnancy rate in teens is dropping, while this show is getting more popular. I have not seen the actual show.
You too, love on her a little more. She is calling for attention.
And good for taking the computer, but she will get around it. Watch her texts, there is a lot of sexting, taking nude pictures of yourself and sending them.

You are handling it very well. As scary as it was for you, try to compose yourself and take it one day at a time. She is testing out her wings and will take more chances that will make your blood pressure go up. Don't begin to show emotions to her that you do not trust her anymore, she will sense that and probably do more, but remember she still needs you. Keep counseling her of the dangers. When I was her age, my M. scared the living daylights out of me, that alone made me not want to mess up. You didn't do anything wrong, she will learn from these small experiences.

Hi, L.:
I would have a circle meeting with all the family.

As the facilitator of the circle meeting, ask her these questions:

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done?
5. In what way?

Then ask the other members of the circle these questions, one by one.

1 what was your reaction at the time of he incident?
2. How do you feel about what happened?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think are the main issues?

You answer the same questions last.

Go back to your daughter and ask this question after everyone
has spoken.

1. Is there anything you want to say at this time?

Go back to the others and ask this question.

1.What would you like from today's circle meeting.

Tell them what you would like from the circle meeting.

Ask your daughter to respond after each person says what they
need from your daughter and the meeting.

Prepare a written agreement from the meeting.

After the meeting make sure the girl is reintegrated back into the
family.

check the web at www.iirp.org

Go luck.
D.

I think a good way is to "scare" her, I just read in a magazine something that happend last year where a girl meet a boy in internet he travel to visit her and he ended up killing the entire family as a girfriend of her too, and he looks very sweet boy, is a lots of news about cases like this why don't you gather some and show it to her, also you can get her to work on this like a school project, (if you can talk to her teacher about it), I mean is she's an everage teen, maybe more than 1 friend is doing the same don't you think??
Don't punish yourself is not your fault , your kids are persons with their own minds and thoughts, we show them the way but they are responsables for taking it or not...( I also saw the other day in a local channel about child prostitution, they meet 14 and 13 year old girls at the mall and taking them to work on truck stops....)like I say we live in a horrible wolrd and you can't trust no one,
you can get her a old cel phone with no internet or text and I think there some plans that allowd you can choose every number that she get in touch with, and can't dial no more than those... also you can lock the lap top so she won't be able to use any social network or chat while she works on it..
I hope everything gets better for your family,