Dealing with a Miscarriage

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is never easy. I've lost 3. We lost Alexis at 22 weeks.

When someone says "I'm sorry" I just said thank you. My friends near and dear to me - didn't say anything - they held me and let me cry and scream. and laugh and whatever hit me at the time as my hormones were all over the place.

I know people think "it was for the best" mean well - just say Thank you. For those who have never been through a loss, they don't know what to say. Really. I'm sorry is the best thing to say and thank you is how you reply. If you need a hug - go to your dear friends and family - they will be there for you.

Best of luck to you. The pain never really goes away....you just learn to deal with it. It takes time. It's been 6 years for me next week. You will never forget.

Miscarriages are hard and sad, and people say the stupidest things with good intentions. I'm sure what they mean to say is that it wasn't something you did; it's not your fault. Having had several losses myself, I understand how it feels when someone tries to be comforting but makes things worse instead.

A woman I was on a birth board with for babies due in August of 2010 ended up losing her daughter at 26 week gestation. She started a website called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, http://www.facesofloss.com. It might be a good resource for you.

I am sorry for your loss.

There is never one right thing to say. It is more about the intention behind the comment than the comment itself. Here is a good example of insensitivity I have to add. I miscarried while shopping at Target. I was pregnant with triplets after a year of gruesome infertility treatments, ending in IVF. The manager came over and tried to get me to fill out an accident report. I said that I didn't fall, I was having a miscarriage. He said "Good. I thought you hurt yourself." Most people mean well, they really do, even if they miss the mark. You are in my thoughts...

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I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in 2010. It was very hard to deal with at first. There is no known reason for why woman miscarry. That was just very insenstive of these ppl to say that to you. Some ppl just don't think before they speak. I know that it's hard but just ignore them.
You said the right thing. Thats all you can do in a situation like that. Hang in there and things will get better for you. I wish you all the best.

my MIL said the best response, "We have one in Heaven now". :)

For me, it was my 2nd pregnancy....& both my Mom & my MIL miscarried their 2nd's too. What are the odds of that happening? .....

Anyway, my thoughts & prayers will be with you. Peace be with you....

That wasn't my favorite response either, but like you, I understood they meant well and were trying to be supportive. I just said a polite thank you as my response and talked to my husband a lot and those closest to me. I'm sorry for your loss! Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry. I, too, had a miscarriage when we first starting trying for our second baby. I was completely thrown off by how much it affected me. I'm glad you can talk to your husband about how you feel. My husband listened as I talked my through the grief of my miscarriage, too, which I found really helpful. The comments from others - I tried to believe that they were all coming from good intentions and then tried not to think about what their comments meant to me. (there was something wrong? what if that happens again? etc) The one suggestion I did found helpful came from my doctor - she advised me to wait a couple of cycles to "reset" the hormone levels. We went on to have our 2nd baby with that 3rd pregnancy - I wish the same for you.

People say the most hurtful things-- some times they mean well and it just comes out wrong, some times they DON"T mean well and some times you just can't tell. And a lot of times it comes from the people you LEAST expect it from-- my MOTHER was AWFUL. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to let the hurtful things flow on past you.

Grief and hormones are a POWERFUL combination, so be KIND to yourself and allow yourself lots of time to heal.

Sorry for your loss

I never was offended at anything anyone had to say. Eccept the one who commented on my growing belly weeks after the miscarriage! People don't know what to say in those situations. clearly graciousness and knowing what to say in situations is your strength. It would be best if you didn't expect everyone to be like and respond like you. I personally took comfort knowing that a miscarriage in the 6-8 week range is almost always a matter of something going wrong in the development. That means, its not a problem that comes from the mother, which gives one hope its not going to happen next time. Please understand you have a lot of emotions right now and none of them helped by shifting hormones. You may be fearful you'll never have another. You may have an urge to take out some of this on others. I suggest you take some of that energy and read a book called "taking charge of your fertility". It helped me shift my focus from my loss to how to get pregnant again. I got pregnant my first try after miscarriage. sorry you are going through this.

Hi W.,

My deepest condolences to you and your family. I have been in your position and I know how hard it is. Yes, people mean well and they try their hardest to make you feel better, but saying anything other than--"I'm so sorry" isn't want you want/need to hear. The only way that I handled the responses was to just tell the people who I knew wouldn't judge or make comments. I would tell them beforehand that I have some news to share with them, I only need them to listen and to please not try and justify what has happened or make me feel better. Nothing can make you feel better after losing a child. Once I tell them that, then I tell them what happened. The people who have been in your shoes are the ONLY ones who will EVER understand. Just remember, that when people say something was meant to be etc.--its their issue with the uncomfortableness of the topic--not your problem or your issue. You can tell them, you know--that hurts me when you say that. Its not their intention, but they don't know a better way.

I just wanted to say-- I am so sorry. I am sending you hugs through this rough time.

Take good care of you-

M

I have been pregnant 5 times and I miscarried my first child and 3rd child. The first miscarriage was very early on, but the second was at 9 weeks. I found that one much more difficult because I had already seen the baby on ultrasound and had seen his/her heart beating. I did not realize how affected I was by it until I began having panic attacks weeks afterwards. Let yourself grieve for this baby. I would never tell someone: there must have been something wrong with the baby. That isn't appropriate. Almost all women have at least 1 miscarriage, so take comfort in that fact, it was nothing you did, and nothing you could have prevented. Most women are very fertile the month after a miscarriage. I actually conceived my 4th child following the first cycle after my miscarriage. Take lots of folic acid, miscarriages can zap your stores.