Dealing with a Diva

Wow- Sounds like my almost 5 year old. I am also at a loss for what to do. i have even considered the fact that she may be Bi-polar. she goes from from sweet, loving, little girl to a screaming, kicking, biting little monster. I have always used time outs, but that does not seem to be working anymore. Now I am taking away things that she really cares about. I am a single mother also (almost 5 year old girl and 6 month old girl), so I admit at times I just want to throw my arms up, and give up. But I do know that once we get through this stage in life things will look up for a while and then there will be another stage. I work in child welfare, so I see a lot of sad things daily. All there is to do is take one day at a time. Good luck!

L.,

I don't think I have an answer for you, but wanted you to know you are not alone! I have an almost three year old girl who fits that description to a T! I also have two stepsons (12 and 14) and one son who is 4, and I don't remember this being the case with ANY of them. I think that it strongly relates to the fact that you are the two females of the house, and there is just something to say about us females, isn't there? :0) Mine feels like a constant power struggle, and we always joke that Mommy Manda is in charge (the almost 3 y.o.) Although, it isn't a joke, and I know where we are headed if we don't nip this in the bud. I have in the last week realized how serious this can become and am committed to working towards a better attitude from her. I have found that time outs and spanking do little to deter her strong spirit, but taking away precious items works wonders. In my mind it is all a matter of their hearts. Little kids are so "thing" and "self" oriented. I am working towards consistently showing and correcting her to have a joyful, giving heart. She doesn't get it now, but we are working towards it. I have been told that consistency is key, so if you have a daycare provider, be sure you are on the same page. I have also heard Sheparding a Child's Heart is a great book to deal with this. I am buying it this week! Although they use spanking for discipline (which I know not everyone is okay with) you can probably use the same ideas behind it just different discipline. I know being a single mom is tough too. I feel for you there. My sister was a single mom for almost 6 years and it is hard to be mom and dad all wrapped in one! As long as you show her you love her and don't respond in anger, you will not break her spirit. She needs to know that she cannot be disrespectful to anyone in that way, especially the one and only precious Mommy that God gave her :0) I hope this helps...even if just to encourage you that there are others like us out here with those strong-willed little chickies!

Sincerely,
K.

Hi L....
You are SOOOO not alone. I have an almost 6 year old beautiful daughter. We are just getting past this stage with her. At first I TRIED the time-out method, It worked but only for a while and if your child is like mine that stage lasted way beyond the time-outs. In our case, what worked for her: I sat her down let her know that "mom was NOT doing that anymore and this will be the punishments you WILL recieve for these specific actions". For Example- when she was hurtful to me or anyone else I would go take away one of FAVORITE things from her room and "throw it away" ( i actually put them in a bag when she wasnt looking). After she had almost nothing left she began to put an effort at her behavior. Another thing that worked- was after a while I could tell by her facial expressions that something bad was going to come out of her mouth I would ask her "DO you really want to say that?""What is going to happen if you do". She would really rethink her actions. MOST of all you have to be patient- I know it is exhausting and it does break your heart to see her act that way. Here is something my MOM told me when I asked for help "SHE IS STUBBORN,BUT YOU CAN BE MORE STUBBORN" I think at that age its more of the battle of wits than anything else.
This may not help much. tyou can e-mail me if you need anyother suggestions, believe me I have been through I think ALL the scenarios.
GOOD LUCK

L.,
This is typical behavior for a preschool little girl. You are not alone. They are seeing what they can get away with and testing the limits. Stay strong and enforce the behavior you want her to exibit. Teaching your daughter proper behavior towards other people is not breaking her spirit. Give her other outlets to express herself that are not disrespectful towards people. Good luck, I know raising a spirited little girl is not easy but it is rewarding.

Hi L.;

I have a 3.5 year old son that must be a male diva! This sounds just like him. I am trying to also find a way to deal with this without breaking his spirit and independence.

I try time outs which sometimes work. i also tell him i do not respond nor do I understand what he is saying when he speaks like that so I can't help him. Then I go on about my business. Of course I have to listen to him throw a fit but eventually he stops. Going in public with him can be embarassing at times.

If you ever need to chat just let me know. I have raised 2 daughters that are now 24 and 25. I am 54 and adopted my grandson who is the little one I am speaking of.

Hope to hear from you!

C.

All I can say is time out!! My 5 yr old was like that and in a very stern voice I would tell her that she does not talk that way to me or to any one else and she would not get waht she wanted by talking to anyone that way, then I would make her sit in a chair against the wall some where she could not see the tv and I could keep an eye on her and if she got up her time would start over. 4 mins for a 4 yr old, 5 mins for a 5 yr old. Then after her time was up I would talk to her in a normal voice and repeat to her why she was there and ask her to say she was sorry, then we would hug. I would also tell her the right way to ask me for things.
My 5 yr old is very smart and she quickly learned I would not put up with her bad behavior and I tell her after every time out that I loved her very much and it hurt mommy's feeling's when she acts or talks like that. I always make sure she know I love her.

L.,

I am so glad there is actually someone in the same boat as me! I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. The only thing my hubby and I have found to be somewhat useful is taking away things that are important to her. Sometimes a good time out and taking away the My Little Pony for a few hours does the trick. Unfortunately, it does not help all the time! I am also a stay-at-home mom, so I deal with her 24/7, which can be very tiresome. Sometimes I need to put myself in time out just to calm down! I have two boys (12, 3) which are nothing like my daughter. They are both very laid back and sweet, very unlike their sister! Please let me know if you receive any useful information from any other members, it would be appreciated! Take care. T.

I would HIGHLY recommend watching the seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years" found here http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-128-painless-parenting... or reading the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" found here http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/pc-121-25-love-and-logic... You can also buy the book on CD if you prefer. Both the DVD I'm recommending and the book are by the same authors and are wonderful. It's all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting them suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions. My brother and SIL have a strong-willed, stubborn child and they are seeing remarkable changes in her behavior since applying the principles/ideas they've learned through attending Love and Logic classes here in Arizona. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful). I wish you luck!

One more recommendation is "The Strong-willed Child" or
'Parenting isn't for Cowards", both by Dr. James Dobson who is devoted to strengthening families. Here is his website http://resources.family.org/category/focus+resources/dr.+...

Hi L.,
My four year old daughter has some of the same issues. My son also did this. Back when I was going through this with my son, I read the book, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Baily. It really helped! I recomend it to all parents! It wasn't the first time I had read it. It was the third! I read it before I had kids, because I'm a Kindergarten teacher. The second time was when my son was 18 mos. Then, I read it again when he was four. And I am still skimming it now that my children are 4 and 6. Why so many times? Because the book is about a lifetime commitment to helping you and your children work through the struggles of discipline. It is about much more than time out. Good Luck!

first of all you need to take her to a child psychologist if you are at your wits end. i have a 17 son that was like that and i struggled until he was 14 before i found out the problem. i too thought it was a parenting or behavioral issue and then when he was a teenager, i thought it was hormones. but there came a time when i just couldnt take it anymore. he as diagnosed as severly depressed at the time of the initial visit but with further counseling and medication we found out he was bi polar. through counsleing we lea\rned a lot of ways to deal with his behavuor. it is not their fault they dont always know what they do and say, it is the anger because they dont have control over their mind and body. it took me 14 years and a suicide attempt on his part to be able to get to knw the real son. he used to go into rages when he was a toddler and scream and cry and hit himslef. i tried ignoring it and hugging him and it got worse. then there was the lieing and rages when he was a child and then in junior high is was the isolation. i wish i had found out sooner. now we are able to tell when he is going down or up and we let him know. he tires so hard but he says he doens tknow whay he is acting that way or when he is. i have a sweet teenager now. good luck

No, you don't want to break her spirit, but you DO want to break her will. Raising children is very hard, especially for a single mom, and I respect you for doing the best you can for your children. I also have a 4 year old who is strong willed and very smart, meaning she's 4 going on 24! The fact is, that even though they seem to 'understand' more than our boys did at 4, in reality, they're still 4, and their emotional development is still at 4, as well. I find that because my daughter seems so 'mature' that I often expect her to act like her older brother, since she (really) seems to understand more than him! You will not break her spirit being a mom, sticking to your guns, being consistent and routine, and letting your yes be yes and your no be no. She will grow up and know that you love her and care for her as you guide her in the correct behavior and attitude to have in different situations. Yelling at her and putting her down, THAT will break her spirit. Being consistent, finding a discipline method that works for you and gets to point across to her, these will help you immensely. Choose the things that you are going to discipline for, have a talk with her and let her know that it is not okay to disrespect you, that she will be disciplined if she does. Go over situation examples with her (if you tell me 'no!' when I ask you to do something, you will get a spanking... etc.) and have her repeat them back to you. The first time she does what you have talked to her about, remind her of your talk (don't give in on this!) and follow through with your discipline method. The most important thing in raising respectful children is that you are consistent in your discipline and that you follow through with it. Because after all, if you're not consistent and you don't follow through, what really is she respecting? A push-over, and she knows as well as we do that being a push-over isn't something to respect. Draw your lines, don't let her toe them, or she'll continue to do it. Good luck!

I feel your pain, I have a nearly nine year old, who is such a diva sometimes. I tell her "I have no control over what you think about me in your head, but when it leaves your mouth then we have a problem"
I have often said that the traits that drive me craziest about my children are often the things I am most proud of.
Good luck.