Dealing W/ News of Major Fetus Deformities

I've never had to make your choice, but I did go through many years of trying to conceive and having caring family and friends who would ask constantly because they wanted to be a part of our journey. Like many other moms have said, there is nothing wrong with breaking down. It lets the person you are telling know how to handle the information. If you spoke of it as if it didn't matter, they might not truly understand how much it DOES matter. If you choose to terminate this pregnancy because it is the best choice for you and your husband, I think you should be careful only to tell people you know will support you. Abortion for any reason is an issue many people feel like they have the right to give you their opinion on. Spare yourself the drama once you make a decision and only tell people you trust won't attack you at such a delicate time. After you have come to a place where you are more secure, my advice would be to say something short and true like, "we lost the baby" and leave it to people to share their grief, not their opinions. I am heartbroken for you and hope that eventually in this grief you will find the silver lining, whatever that maybe be.

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I just wanted to send some thoughts to you for encouragement and peace during this most difficult time. I cannot imagine what you are going through but I have a friend who had an almost similar problem some time ago. Let yourself grieve and your family and friends grieve with you. This is so very tough, and you will make the best decision, trust yourself.
Blessings to you and yours for peace and comfort.

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I just went through this exact situation last month. It was the most heart breaking experience of my life. We found out our little guy had a condition called triploidy. He had a complete set of extra chromosomes. Triploidy is fatal, incompatible with life, many books said. It was also becoming very dangerous for my life because it was also a partial molar pregnancy. I started hemorrhaging. I had so many mixed emotions. I could not believe the doctors were even discussing termination or that I was even considering it. This child was so loved, wanted and planned!!! On some days I felt that if he was going to pass on anyway why can't I just let nature take its course and let him be born. That way we could have a funeral and properly send him off. My husband did not know if we could stand the pain of meeting our little guy like that. And we were afraid he might suffer. Please email me if you need to talk. I so desperately wanted to talk to someone that had been there but couldn't find anyone.

Before you make any decision you have to get all the facts!We found out about the abnormality through a CVS test. Do you have a definite diagnosis? What tests have you had done? Please make sure you get all information you can! Some diagnoses are not fatal and these angels can have wonderful, beautiful, fulfilling lives!

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R.,
My heart breaks for you and your husband. I will keep my response to your request re: notifying others (since that was your request).

Consider sending a request to help break the news to a couple of key people within each circle of people. One person can spread the news at work (asking people to be discreet and respect your privacy, but know that you are devastated), another among your friends, etc.

Another option is to compose an email (or numerous w/ different levels of detail) and to send it out. You can apologize for sending the news in an email, but know that you needed to get the news out and know that it is too emotional for you to retell in person repeatedly. Most people really do understand and just want to know what (if anything) they can do to help. If anyone is miffed, that is their own issue to deal with.

Regardless of how you chose to respond, take the time to grieve the loss of the dreams you had formed for this child. Take time to connect with your husband as well. Also, if needed, find out if the hospital has a counselor/social worker available to you. They often have a lot of medical knowledge along with their other skills and can be a tremendous support during this time.

God bless. Take care of yourself as best possible....

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Hi R.,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Having lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage, I know how painful losing a baby can be. I ended up just telling a few key people and letting the word spread. Also, don't feel obligated to explain what happened. You have every right to simply say that you lost the baby. The last thing you need right now, is people judging you and your decisions and it's really no one else's business, anyway. You and your husband have to make the decision that is right for you and your family.
With that said, please make sure the doctor's are 100% certain about whatever they are predicting for your baby. I have seen them be wrong in so many cases.
Best wishes. I'll be thinking about you.

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First let me say I'm so sorry for you and your family. The only thing that I could recommend to make it easier for you to tell multiple people is to send out a mass e-mail or letter that way you're not repeating your story and your heartbreak over and over. Simply state in the letter that it is easier for you emotionally not to have to repeat it over and over to each person so the letter is the best way to communicate what is happening with you and for everyone to know at the same time. I think people will understand, I know I would.

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Been there....
Its hard...live strong...think strong... put ALL YOUR FAITH in the next child that you WILL have...

It will happen. Believe me. You will always have a spot in your mind for this child....use that love, to love your future children, which I just know you will have.

God Bless you, R., you are going to be a GREAT mother.

M. :)

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R.,

I have been in your shoes. My heartaches for you and your husband. When we had our first child, at 18 weeks we discovered that he had anencephaly. This is a fatal birth defect. Anencephaly is open skull and the brain does not form. We had a heartbeat all those weeks because the brain stem had formed. Our birth defect was fatal. I made the decision to deliver the next day. I cried all night, even though I was on medication to sleep. I got through this time with the support of my family and friends and lots and lots of prayers. I could feel God's grace the day I delivered. This was the hardest time in my life. I delivered and was sent home the next day. The next couple of months were hard. We had a funeral and spent time comforting our friends and family. I will pray for you and your husband on whatever decision you choose to make. If you need to ask any questions of me or just need to talk, feel free to e-mail.

Just as an aside, I did get pregnant 5 months after delivery. I went on a low dose fertility med to get pregnant and we have a beautiful healthy daughter. She is 6 now and just completed Kindergarten. Unfortunately, I am now divorced from her father. We co-parent and get along well. May God Bless you today and always.

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Your baby is still your baby. Life for you will never be the same regardless of the outcome. You seem to already know that. But, is it possible for you to continue the pregnancy and let it end on its own? Would you have support if the baby survives? Are you open to a second opinion? I cannot imagine your pain. Know that this is between you and God. No one has right to decide for you or to judge you. You are blessed to have a supportive family. I send you love, peace, and comfort.
jk

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R.,
You have received some great advice and while I didn't finish reading all of the responses, I didn't see this advice: the Neonatal ICU clinical nurse specialist often provides group counseling to moms who are experiencing the loss of a baby. Being with others in a similar position is often comforting. Ask your doctor about it.
Also, a dear friend of mine, after 2 in vitros, became pregnant and lost that baby due to trisomy. She and her husband were devastated. I wondered how she would manage. They went on and had a 3rd invitro, the twins are almost 7 and the painful memory exists, but not front and center as it was in the beginning.
I second those who say that you just need to state that you lost the baby, not how. That is so personal, no one needs to know more than that you are suffering and how to help.
Even my friend's mother does not know either about the in vitros nor about the cause of the lost pregnancy. A second set of tests is always a good idea, you should not have doubts as you make your decision.
My heart goes out to you and your husband.
K.

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I am so sorry...give your self plenty of time to grieve! I lost 5 babies before my son made it here. Each was different, but so much the same...just tell a few people and ask them to let everyone else know. You don't have to give details!

It was a very dark few years and I wasn't sure if I could keep going...your doctor or hospital might be able to help you find a support group. I found one over the internet.

I didn't have to make the choice to terminate, so there I cannot advise you. Other than being in the situation of facing genetic issues, we made the decision to wait and see with each of our pregnancies.

I think the deciding factor was that I was born myself with major birth defects. My mother was told I was brain damaged, would be dumb/mute (never speak), and other issues. But she fought for me and never let the doctors stop fighting. I had a tough childhood and was pretty sick until I was about 10 (in and out of the hospital). Major surgeries, tons of medical bills (my parents didn't have medical insurance). I didn't speak until I was almost 3...I talk fine now, no speech impediment. No brain damage.

Doctors are wise, but not all knowing. That doesn't make any decision easier either...I am sending you a big long hug...you can message me if you want and I can send you to the blogs of two different women who did end up terminating.

I am so very very sorry!!

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I also have a friend who's son was "supposed" to have multiple problems. He was born with a heart problem that was fixed with two surgeries. He's almost one and is happy and healthy and the light of his parents eyes. I would definitely get a second and third opinion before making any decisions. I will pray for you... Miracles do happen...

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First off, my heart goes out for you! I would never want to be in your situation, and never have been. I have a close friend who was pregnant and the baby was diagnosed with anacephaly. Her and her husband considered aborting the baby, but they decided to carry the baby to term. They made the decision knowing that based off the doctor's diagnosis, the baby would either be still-born or die shortly after birth, because his lungs were fully developed, but the part of the brain that tells the lungs to breathe was not developed at all. They decided that they wanted to enjoy every second with their child that they were given, even if that was just the 9 months of pregnancy. They got a 4-D ultrasound done so they could have pictures of their son and so they could know what to expect when he was born. She went just under 40 wks and labored naturally. Her son, Benjamin, lived about 15 minutes. The staff was very understanding about the situation and let them be alone with their child. They took hundreds of pictures, were able to bathe him themselves, and dress him, and they took imprints of his hands and feet. I think having a baby to hold, even for a few minutes, and have pictures of and have those small trinkets to remember him by, that has helped them through their grief.
My parents had a friend when I was a teenager who had a baby with a similar disability. They were also told their baby would only live a few minutes. Then after she was born, they were told she would only live a few months. She ended up living more than a year (I'm not sure exactly how old she was, but I do remember them celebrating her birthday). Of course it was excruciatingly hard on them to lose their small child, but at least they got to spend those precious months with her.
I hope this has helped you open your mind to not aborting your baby, even if his/her condition is fatal.

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I am sad to see so many people trying to get you to question your decision when all you asked for was support and sympathy. Be strong and know that there are many families that have had to make the difficult decision that you have had to make. You are not alone. Maybe you can find a support group of families that will not judge you and will support you and help you stand during this painful time. I have no words to express my sympathy. Take care.

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I have a close cousin that went through the same thing at about the same age. It's OK to break down... perfectly normal and expected. It also gives your friends & family the "permission" that they can break down with you so that they don't feel uncomfortable being upset. I also believe it helped her to heal faster (although it still hurts, it's not as bad) since she didn't have all of the pressure of having to "hold it in." I must admit that she never did have a child of her own; however, she has a loving and intelligent step-son and several nieces and nephews that she's been able to share her love with through the years. Good luck and may you feel comfort in knowing that you will be OK and will survive this tragic loss.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. This is something that you don't need to collect your composure for, cry as much as you want! And when telling your friends, family or coworkers they will hopefully be that shoulder to cry on and that support that you will need. You can't do this on your own...break down each time if you need to. Hopefully that will be a way of healing your heart. Just put your trust in your god and he will help you to pull through this. Give it some time and try try again!! Your time will come to raise that healthy child!!

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I am very, very sorry you are having to go through this terrible situation. Some support groups have started to form online for families who have had to go through what you are experiencing now. Perhaps one of them might be helpful. My only advice is to allow those who love you and want to support you to do so. Do not be afraid to be specific in your requests to them. Many people want to help, but don't know exactly what to do. Tell them what you need. If you don't want to talk about it with someone, don't. You need to do what is best for you and your family at this time. Ignore those who wrap themselves in sanctimony - you did nothing to cause this. Some people may act like nothing happened. Don't get too upset with them - they do care, but some people are so uncomfortable in the face of another's loss that they literally try to make it go away by pretending it didn't occur. Do not be afraid to seek out grief counseling if you feel stuck later on. Thoughts and prayers of many are with you.

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Dear R.,
my heart is so sad for you. I am a mother of 2 precious angels myself, I can not say that I understand your grief. We all grieve differnt. But what i can say is that My thoughts and prayers are with you. If not for my angels, I would not be the person that I am today. I am here if you need someone to talk to. My email is ____@____.com

many people have things that would or wouldnt do. I cherished each and every moment with my children while I was pregnant. my daughter was born in July of 2000 and she was born asleep, but the best blessing I ever had! She was the most angelic, and beautiful baby that I had ever seen. I had already made initial arrangements the day before she was born. Something that I cherish for ever. My son was born in 2003 also asleep! He too was the most precious gift that I recieved. My son was born at 21 weeks and beautiful.
They will always have a place in my heart, thoughts, and prayers! But without the "funeral" I called it "Their new beginning" I would not have had closer. I know that one day, I will see them again! I would do it all over again! Just to know that I gave them the best chance that I could give them. Not all the doctors are correct!

Whatever you decide is the best for you. but please dont make no quick decision that you will regret later! I took pictures, and lots of them. I got hair peices and foot prints of my angels.

Love ya girl,
M.

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hey R....fortunately i've never experienced what u are going thru....i just wanted to let u know that however u choose to do it...do it in the best interest of you and your husband...i will pray for you.

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R.:
I have not dealt with your situation but I wanted to offer my heartfelt sympathy. I wish I had something to offer you but I have no frame of reference. You will be in my prayers. May God bless you.

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R.,

I am so sorry that you are going thru this extremelly painful and difficult time.

I understand just in part what you feel because I just had a baby and I spent more than half of the pregnancy in tests for this and test for that because the doctors told me that she had something abnormal and I spent all that time coming in and out of doctors offices and tests crying without knowing if my baby was ok or not.

Just before this baby I had a misscarriage and even it was very early in the pregnancy (if I hadn't done the pharmy test I would have never known) it was difficult and had me very sad for some time.

Your situation is much more difficult and sad and my heart goes to you, I will have you in my thoughs every time of the day that I can say a pray for you. I will ask the Angels to embrace you with love and courage to face this difficult difficult time.

As for how to let everybody know.... I suggest that either you of someone close to you send and email to everybody letting them know what is going on and stating that at this time you do not feel strong enough to talk about it and that you appreciate the love demonstrations but will really appreciate more the patience and restrain they show as for asking you about it. And if possible have someone updating them of how you are doing and coping.

Know that this will pass and in the future lots of happines and love is coming to you.

Blessings,
M.

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Hi R.,

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you have to face this decision. 20 yrs ago this yr, I too had to face the decision of keeping my son or terminating. This was my 2nd child. I had just started my 27th wk and the whole pregnancy went fine. He was growing well, heartbeat was good and strong, ultrasounds were perfect. My water had broke and we called the dr, he had us come in to see what to do. There were discussions of bed rest until the 32nd wk. Ultrasounds were done and they told us that my son was severely deformed and needed to be born right then. Of course I wouldn't have any of that because I knew in my heart that my son was perfectly formed and was beautiful. After being in labor for 2 days, he died in the womb, and was born the next morning. He was perfectly formed, no deformities at all. The autopsy showed he had trisomy 13, which meant that he had an extra 13th chromosome. The 13th chromosome has to do with brain development. He was not viable even if he had been born alive. I cherished every month that I had with him, feeling him kick and move, hearing his heartbeat. I will never forget him. I went back to work 3 weeks after the funeral.

When I was pregnant with my 4th. I took the tests and they put me in risk category for downs. They told me all kinds of things with the ultrasounds and deformities. They gave me the decision to keep or terminate. I refused to terminate, I had already buried one child, I refused to bury another. My 4th child... my son, he is 16 now, perfectly formed, smart as a whip.

People do make mistakes, I had it done twice with different ultrasounds and different drs. Both times, there were no deformities. If you pray, ask the Good Lord to guide you in your choice. Also, go with you motherly instinct. It is hard to inform everyone, although I think an email is impersonal, I would do it face to face if you can. You would be surprised to find how many other women out there have had to make the very same decision you have to, of course, you are reading it now. I was in shock with the first one, I would just blurt out that he died. No other information has to be said, no matter if you choose to terminate, or your child perishes on his/her own. It is a personal thing between you and your husband, no one needs to know if you don't want them to. Just be careful of those who judge. Even though I didn't terminate, there were people that 'assumed' I did.

I hope in your heart you make the right decision for you.

T.

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Dear R.,
Whatever you decide is best for you. Do not let other people browbeat or shame you into doing what they say. It is easy for people who are not in a situation to express their opinions but nobody can know what they would actually do unless they had walked in your shoes.
IMO it is asking too much of yourself not to break down with this news. Brave, strong, informed, upright people cry and get overwhelmed at sad, difficult situations. It is appropriate that you would have strong feelings. Crying is human, not weak. You and yours are in my prayers.
Peace, C.

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I'm so sorry read your posting - my heart breaks for you and your husband.

I've not had to deal with the personal experience of loosing a child, but my family did deal with the death of my younger brother when he was 7.

Based on this personal experience, I would recommend grief counseling for both of you and to tell you that each of you will grieve and mourn the loss in different ways. Neither of these ways is right or wrong - they are just different and each of you need to be there for each other, support each other and accept the difference.

My prayers are with each of you during this extremely difficult time.

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Hi R.,

My Heart and prayers go out to you and your family at this most diffucult time. I have not gone through anything like what you and your husband are dealing with. I wish I had some GREAT advise to give. This is one of the hardest and most painful of things for you to have to go through, so I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your husband.

I also wanted you to know, that some people might not agree with your choice to terminate and to prepare yourself for those comments. Be strong and know that the desicion you are making is your's and your husbands alone. I hope I am not speaking out of place and just wanted you to know that. My heart goes out to you.

Again you have my prayers and best wishes.

C.

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I'm trying to type this in response but can't see through my tears from your post....
God bless you & your entire family.
I'm so sorry. I'm praying for a miracle for you.

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Dearest R.,

As you've already received a lot of responses, I don't know that I have much more to offer. I agree strongly with those who say to enlist the help of people who are closest to you to relay the information to others. You can tell these people as much as you want them to know, and how much others should hear.

Burst into tears as much as you need to, and don't question your decisions. You must do what is right for your family and its health and well being. And NONE of us knows what that is. Only you do.

As an aside, in March of 2003, I lost a baby at 12 weeks. I did miscarry, and the sonographer said that the development she could see was not normal. Of course, it broke our hearts that all of this happened. In July of the same year, I became pregnant again, and we always marvel at the fact that had this not occurred, we wouldn't have our Brycie. We don't know who we missed out on having, but we cannot fathom not having him.

Best wishes and my thoughts are with you.

B.

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i am so sorry about your situation. doctors arent always right and i hope you get a second opnion. my cousin had a baby boy which they told her he would most likely have down syndrome from what they could see on the ultra sound. the boy is very healthy and smart no down syndrome what so ever.he is five years old now. i will say a prayer for you and your family.

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R.,
I have tears in my eyes. As many have already said, I have never been in your shoes but wanted to give you my thoughts and prayers. If it is too hard for you or your husband to tell others, ask a close friend or family member to do so. It won't be easy for them either but at least you won't be the one who has to tell everyone - does that make sense? Be strong and know that many are praying for you, your husband, and your sweet baby !

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Am really sorry to read about your situation but bad unexpected things do happen.

If you believe in God, you might want to hold off making any decisions yet, non viable pregnancies have a way of being spontaneously aborted. I would get nearer to my maker right now and ask him to make the decision for me. Whatever will be will be. Like others have said, some prognosis have been debunked after babies are born. Doctors make diagnostic errors all the time....apart from that, miracles can happen!

I would get a second and third opinion too. If eventually the worse does happen, take heart and believe me it hurts but it does get better, afterall when there is life there is hope. I have not been in your shoes exactly as I refuse to do any of the trimester screenings for chronic abnormalities and deformities. I always told my doctor I would take any child God chooses to give me ( I am muslim by the way and it is a sin to terminate a pregnancy unless it is a danger to the mother's health) so I don't need a test 'cos regardless of the result, I am keeping the baby.

I have been pregnant 9 times and I only have 3 living kids, the rest were miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies that had to be terminated, so I do understand the emotional aspect of losing an unborn child. Whatever decision you make, my prayers will be with you and I pray you make the best decision for you and your family. Goodluck!

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R.,

If you have not aborted yet please rethink your decision. I aborted at the age of 22. I am now 53 years and have regretted that decision every day. You never know what God might have done. My 3rd live birth by all ultrasounds should have been a girl. However God knew the desires of our heart and we had a boy. He is now 26 and happily married. I encourage you to go to www.familylife.com. They have a new book “A Symphony in the Dark”. The book is about Molly who only lived 7 short days. Allowing a child to be born gives you time to celebrate that life no matter how short. You will have time to say good-bye and most importantly you let God decide how that child will be. Doctors are human and have been known to be wrong.

What ever you decide to do, know that there are people praying for you. As for notifying your friends and family, I would send out a birth and death announcement in one. Remember at 10 weeks they have their little feet with toes.

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Hi dear R.,
I am really sorry about this news. I really loved what one mom said about choosing to deliver and then having a funeral. I had some friends who did this as well. It was extremely helpful for them in the grieving process because their baby had a name and a place of rest. I don't know how far along you are at this point but if it is possible to let the pregnancy progress and then deliver, it may help you down the road with the grief. It could help to rule out the what ifs. I also agree with the moms who say miracles do happen. I will pray for you and your family and I just send you hugs and love whatever you decide to do. Hang in there.....

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May you always have an angel by your side.
Watching out for you in all the things you do.
Reminding you to keep believing in brighter days.
Finding ways for your wishes and dreams to take you to beautiful places

Giving you hope that is as certain as the sun.
Giving you the strength of serenity as your guide.
May you always have love and comfort and courage.
And may you always have an angel by your side

May you always have an angel by your side.
Someone there to catch you if you fall.
Encouraging your dreams.
Inspiring your happiness.
Holding your hand and helping you through it all

In all of our days, our lives are always changing.
Tears come along as well as smiles.
Along the roads you travel, may the miles be a thousand times more lovely than lonely.
May they give you the kind of gifts that never, ever end.

Someone wonderful to love and a dear friend in whom you can confide.
May you have rainbows after every storm.
May you have hopes to keep you warm.
And may you always have an angel by your side

God Bless You, S.
-

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R.,

I am so sorry you are going thru this difficult time. I know that sometimes doctors think they are GOD, but they aren't. I also know of a situation where a lady had an amniocentisis and was told that she was carrying a severely handicapped child and that if she wasn't prepared to raise a severely handicapped child, she should abort the baby. Well, she told the doctor that if God wanted her to have a severely handicapped child, then she was going to have it and raise it. Well? She had a perfectly normal baby girl.

It is a hard decision to make, but you need to get close to the Lord and rely on his love and wisdom to do the right thing. Sometimes God causes miscarriges to take care of abnormal babies. You have to do what is right for you. Whatever you decide, don't fret. Even though I love babies I do believe in abortions if necessary. That decision is between you and God. He knows our hearts and is a forgiving God. You have to do what is right for you. Don't let other people talk you into doing something that isn't right for you. Some people can raise handicapped children and some people can't. Pray and do whatever you do for the right reasons. Bless you.

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R.,

I'm so sorry for the news you have received about your baby. I don't know the details of your situation and I can't say that I have "been there" because I haven't, but I will say that I have known several people who were told that their children had severe brain deformities and other issues that would limit their lifespan to only a few hours after birth and their children were born perfectly healthy and are to this day. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but I will tell you that God is in control of this situation. Again, I don't know the details of your baby's condition, but if you have the option to wait it out a bit and get a second opinion, please do so for the sake of your baby. I am so sorry that you're going through this. I cannot imagine how agonizing this must be for you and your husband, but please be sure this is the right thing for your family before going forward with a termination. I will pray for your family. I had a miscarriage before I had my first child and that was a horrible experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I hope that things work out for your family and for you. Praying God's peace and comfort on you during this difficult time.

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Dear R.,

I am so sorry. I can not imagine your emotional pain right now. You have faced one of the most difficult decisions of your life.
I pray for peace for you and your family and wisdom to know what to do and the strength to follow through.

J.

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Be sure to pray! The Lord will guide and bless you in your descision making. Are you sure you need to terminate? I know someone who was told her child would have severe health issues and not live but she chose to keep her baby and he was born healthy. The tests were wrong. So I ask you to pray and be sure! God bless!~

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I am so sorry you are having to deal with this and my prayers are certainly with you and your husband. I am begging you to reconsider taking the life of this baby. I have a very dear friend and the entire time she was pregnant the doctors told her that she needed to terminate. She continuously told them it was not an option. They told her this child would never be more than a vegetable. Well, she is now 9 years old and she does have some learning problems in school but other than that she is normal. She runs, plays, laughs, is a great kid. The doctors are not always right. I pray you will leave it in The Lords hands.

First and foremost go to God and ask him for help in this decision but most of all ask God to bless your unborn child created of love between you and your hubby. Then do a lot of reseach and ask for the top doctor in this area that 1.treats your specific type of prego problems and is close to TCH and then find the best doc for the potential problems you might be facing at Texas Childrens Hospital and talk to them about survival chances. I'm telling you all this because with my last pregnancy I was super high risk and they said there were problems so I was sent to a specialist. He did a super high defination ultrasound and we were able to walk across the street and go meet some great docs at TCH. It helped ease our mind and today I have a super high energy wonderful little boy who just celebrated his 5th birthday. We got everyone praying for him we could and he truly is our miracle baby. I guess also remember 2 things doctors can make mistakes but God never does.
I will pray for you, your hubby and your baby and of course all your doctors. Good luck.

I don't know where live but my church has a huge loving extremely well equipped Special Needs department. I encourage you to call, they and/or some of the parents would be crucial in helping you make a decision. The church number is ###-###-#### (The Woodlands United Methodist Church) Even if you are not in the area they can educate you and provide you with help and options for taking care of that special gift. God will bless you mightily.

Please go to tangle.com or youtube and watch a video about a couple who were in your situation - "99 Balloons" - perhaps that will help with your decision.
God bless you ~
P.

Dearest R.,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please read the following blog site - this woman went through the same thing and I think you will find alot of comfort and hope here. You need to start at the beginning - she lost her baby over a year ago. I will be thinking of you and keeping you in prayer.
http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Sincerely,
M.

All I want to tell you is that people are not always right about this stuff. I knew a couple just a few years ago who were scared out of their minds with horror stories about how sickly their baby was going to be, the whole pregnancy they were told he wasn't going to make it and that he would have severe retardation and be extremely deformed...the tests were horrible. At 41 weeks she gave birth to a completely healthy and normal baby boy. I also had a friend who's baby was born brain dead...they grieved together and she died 3 days later...but the wouldn't trade that special time with her for any thing.

I do not want to make you feel bad, but terminating a pregnancy can cause such on going harm to the mother emotionally. The loss of a child naturally is far less painful in the long run.

My heart is breaking for you. And if you don't mind, I will pray for you that you'll have peace in this horrible time of pain.

OH, and one last thing...terminating or natural death...go ahead and name your baby, say your good-buys, have a cerimony if you need to...but let yourself grieve because this is a real loss!

Hi R.,
I had experience with a similiar situation at 20 weeks into my pregnancy. Please email me directly if you'd like the details of the decisions we made and the way we dealt with the news. Hopefully, I'll be able to offer you support that will help you in this difficult time. ____@____.com

What type of birth defects? I'm sorry you have to go through this, i have nothing to compare it to, but i have heard of other parents just going through with it(keeping the baby) and it has turned out just fine. i say god provides.

they told me when i was pregnant with my 3rd child(yes 3rd), that i carry the gene for cystic fibrosis, but there was no way to tell if the baby would get it or not. This one was my girl(she is the only one in the family) and me and my husband decided to have her and just deal with the consequences. I am happy to say she is a perfect brat right now and we would not have done anything different.

Hello R.,

I haven't had to make the tough decision you are/were faced with, I just wanted you to know that my prayers are with you and your husband! God Bless!!!

Dear R.,

I am so very sorry. My son died just prior to birth in March and that's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

I don't know if you've already terminated the pregnancy, but just some things to think about

1) if the baby dies naturally before birth, then it may happen with less pain and fear then death by abortion. Why go through an abortion if he will die anyway?

2) I have read many stories where a mother decided to not terminate the pregnancy that was not expected to be viable and enjoyed a few minutes/days/weeks with their baby. Having lost my baby during birth, I do wish I had the opportunity to hold a living breathing baby, to see his eyes open and look at me. They were so fortunate to have that and they were very grateful as well.

3) I have met children who were not expected to live and are doing wonderfully. On such baby was born without a brain. She had a brain stem. She's about 6 or 7 now and her brain has been growing! Texas Children's said they've never seen anything like it. She has been learning to talk and walk and do all the things no one would have thought possible- as they didn't think she'd even live. She is so precious, just a joy.

4) I have also met children who were diagnosed in utero and were born completely fine- did not have the condition they were diagnosed with.

I know that for me, having miscarried 4 babies and lost one at birth, I treasure the time I had with him at the end. I got to know him while he was inside me. We took pictures and I have a scrapbook and a memorial video. I held him in my arms for hours. What a gift! A week after he died we had a funeral. We go to the cemetery often. If someone had told me that he wold die prior to birth I would have still made the choice to let him live out his life naturally.

Hugs and prayers,
S., missing Benjamin Isaiah since MArch

I would send out an email/letter/postcard to ask for their prayers.

Please note the possibility that the doctors are wrong and if not, be wrong in the severity of the situation. I've seen that happen before.

I also know that you feel overwhelmed right now with all options or lack of presented to you. It may seem hopeless. But, with God, your future is not a hopeless end, but an endless hope. Jesus made that possible for us. What a blessing that is. Put your hope in Him. He will not allow you to go through something you can't handle. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life to all those that seek Him.

My prayers are with you. I would have a difficult time with this as well.

i just wanted to let you know that you and your child will be in our family's prayers.
I cannot imagine how difficult this situation must be for you. I will echo some of the other responses and let you know that I have 2 friends who had similiar situations. They did not terminate their pregnancy. One child was born perfectly fine. the other child was born with abnormalities... but is now a happily married woman. she does have some growth abnormalities and medical issues... but she has found a life for herself.
My sister was born with CP, but misdiagnosed with something more severe. My mother was told she would be severly retarded, pracically a vegetable, and would die by the age of 3... she is now 26 years old... and has some fairly mild learning disabilities.
I know that this is not always the case. It is just something to consider.
I can only say; remember to follow your heart. In the end, You are the one who will be living with the memories of this decision... I pray that you find peace and comfort. May God be with you during this time and always.