DAYCARE :Good or Bad???

Hi F.,

I am no expert, but I wanted to share my similar experience with you. My son will be two in Aug. and has been going to Mothers Day Out once a week since he was four months (he doesn't go during the summer). I think he is about the only one that only goes one day a week, but I did it partially for the same reason you did....to help him socialize, etc. and to give myself some time. It took him forever to get comfortable with me dropping him off, mainly because of him only going one day, but they always told me what an angel he was the whole time and that he calmed down almost immediately after I left. However, I also started dealing with some serious tantrums when I would pick him up (after they said he was perfect all day). I have had similar experiences when friends of mine with children would watch him for an evening, or even overnight. They said he was great at playing, eating, sleeping, etc., then he would come home and act like a mad man. I pretty much figured out that I think he is holding in any and all frustrations and anxieties where he is, and when he gets home in his safe environment, he lets them all out. If you are taking your son to daycare full time, that is a serious adjustment. Regardless of the time there it is an adjustment and he very well may be holding in his frustrations too. And like you said, twos are just hard. I'm getting ready to have another in 9 days, so it's going to be really hard! If I could suggest anything, it would be to maybe cut back on the days (if he's going a lot) and to be ready to give him some undivided attention as soon as you get home from picking him up, asking him about his day, etc. I would be really interested in you sharing any other feedback from other moms regarding this issue. Best of luck to you!

N.

My son has been in childcare/daycare since he was 6 weeks old since I am professional working mother. I think it all depends on the environment, staff, etc. My son will be 3 in October, and he has those mood swings too sometimes. It is just their age. I have a close friend who stays home with her 3 year old and 1 year old and the 3 year old throws the same tantrums, gets cranky, etc tjust like my son does. However, not all daycares/childcare is the same. When my son was with La Petite, he didn't want to be left in the mornings and was ready to go when I came to pick him up. They had too much teacher turnover. After being at Cambridge Academy for 10 months, he is ready to go to school everyday and I have a hard time getting him to leave in the afternoons! He knows his ABC's, his numbers, colors, etc and has a massive vocabulary. Plus, he LOVES being with the other kids. He talks about them at home. My advice would be to discuss your concerns with the teacher and/or the director of the daycare. They are usually very open to parental concerns and if they are of quality will try to address your concerns and accomodate you. And maybe even come in and observe while your child is in class. This can sometimes help you make a decision on whether your child is in the right place or not.

Hi F. -

I'm so sorry you're going through this rough patch. It's so difficult to make these decisions for our kids and know if they're right. I have an 18month old. He's been in daycare about a year. But about 3 months ago, he switched classrooms. It was horrendous. He screamed, cried, kicked is legs, hit the dogs, trouble sleeping, etc. I spent most evenings in tears! I set up a meeting with daycare and found out he was nothing like that there, he was great. So I did a lot of research, talked to my pediatrician, and also with his teachers. It seems he was having transition trouble and was taking it out at home. I learned 2 things that made me stop crying (and him!). 1 - this is a phase that WILL pass - it usually takes 6-8 weeks for toddlers to adjust. 2 - create a ritual that is done right after you pick him up. He has been stimulated all day long and needs to "relax" - taking walks worked for me. I also would go to the grocery store. He liked having me "one on one" but without having to interact with me necessarily.

He outgrew this stage in about 3-4 weeks, but it was really hard.

Don't give up - it is important to socialize your children, and if you can do it before they're thrown into a school environment, he'll adjust better.

I was concerned about something you said....the teacher yells all day. This is not normal. If they can't control the children, then they are doing something wrong. I would consider doing some surprise drop-bys and seeing how the class is conducted. You may consider finding another provider with maybe smaller teacher to children ratios.

Good luck!

S. B.

F.,

Daycare is generally perfectly fine for small children. It seems to me you should be asking what kind of daycare is this one that allows the children to yell and throw temper tantrums. There is obviously no discipline, a true lack of an authority figure (very important), and a loss of control that's really unacceptable. The daycare you've currently got your son in is terrible for him. I'd advise you to change daycare services immediately. Once you find a good one, you'll see a swift change in your son's demeanor.

You're right to be concerned. I hope you take your son out of that daycare as soon as possible!

R.

I went through a similar situation with my son at several years ago and he was almost two then. If your child has only been there a week, I would give it a little more time before making a hasty decision. Yes, it is likely that the inappropriate behavior is being taught by the other children, but it may just be a phase. When my son started preschool, we went through several of these so-called "phases". Children at age 2 are constantly learning (good things AND bad things) and by attempting to mimic the other childrens' behaviors, your son is just demonstrating another thing he has learned. I guess we, as parents, just have to take the good with the bad, although I know it can be frustrating! As long as your child is in a nurturing learning environment, I believe in the long run, you will look back and realize that preschool was one of the best decisions you have made for your child. Good luck to you!

Hi F.,
Well, I worked in daycare for years and specifically with two year olds. The teacher does not have to yell to get the children to listen---my first thought is maybe he is not in the right place. Socialization is very important and he is at a prime age to start him in that process. His behavior at home could be a few things:
1. he may be plum exhausted from the routine and stimulation. Make sure the home routine is calm and unbusy for a while to give his body and mind time to adjust.
2. he may be feeling the negative energy from the teacher if she/he is yelling all day. This builds up and he has to release it somewhere.

Daycare can be very good or it can be bad depending on the experiences the child has. The teacher should be focusing on WHAT she wants the kids to do instead of yelling what they are doing wrong. A major key to 2's and 3's is to keep them busy busy busy.

I don't know if this was helpful; I just wanted to share some insight from an experienced daycare worker. Let me know if I can help with any other questions.

K.
____@____.com

I have just recently retired from day care after 11 years. I cared for children from 0 - 3 years in my home. I was very successful and have many happy memories of those years. I also have many sad memories of those years. I would never recommend that a child attend daycare if they have a mom who is at home to care for them. It is not a natural situation for several 2 years olds to spend so much time together and there is no way that they can receive the love and nurturing they need during their early years - no matter how good the caregiver is. A weekly playgroup with mom would be okay if you really feel that your child needs to be socialized, but there is no way that being in a daycare situation is better than receiving the attention and security that he would get from you in his own home.

Hi - This is what I told Sharon:

I would definitely address it with the teacher first. If her response is anything but satisfactory AND you don't see immediate improvement then go straight to the director and discuss your concerns. It does not require screaming to controll preschoolers. It may be that you have a good teacher with very poor classroom management skills and that can be a lack of training. I hope that is the case and not that you just have a screamer. yuck.

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It has been only one week for your son to get adjusted to a new environment and it will be hard enough for him to adjust without having to put up with being screamed at. If you have the option, then you would probably get more of the kind of social development program you were looking for in a faith based mother's day out program instead of a daycare.

-A

I had trouble responding to your message so I hope you already received many answers telling you that this is NOT normal. The school should have a written discipline policy (and I can guarantee there is nothing written about yelling in there) and they should follow it. Experienced workers have so many tools for getting good behavior that they never need to resort to yelling. I think this person is in the wrong job or needs training. I have a strong-willed child so I educated myself on how to handle her. I currently use 1-2-3 Majic, timeout and limited choices. The school reinforces good behavior so I think she is better behaved than she would be with just my influence. Consider a church MDO program or a school that starts with young children (so half the staff are teachers).

F.,

How many days a week do you have your son in daycare? If it is a full time daycare maybe you should consider putting him in a mothers day out program where they only go a couple of days a week. Part of the problem may be him adjusting to being away from you so long. I put my first son in a MDO program when he was 18 months (he is now 3) and have been very happy with it. I plan on putting my 2nd son in one also at around 2 years also. I was worried about the behaviors my son would learn, but have been pleasantly surprised that he hasn't. I think part of the reason is that the teachers only have the children 5 hours a day (my son goes 2 days a week), so the teachers don't get so frazzled.

Most churches offer a MDO program, and they are very reasonably priced!

Hope you find the option that works for you,

T.

I have to respond in defense of daycare (I work outside the home). My 3-year-old son has been in day care since he was 3 months old and my experience has been great. He has developed excellent manners (at the table, with other kids, with adults) and settled into a very reliable, very sustainable routine. He plays well with other kids and plays independently during 'table time'. He reacts well to structure and picks up after himself. He knows letters, dates, months, and Spanish.

Some of the issues you are seeing may have more to do with his age. Two can be a difficult time and it sounds to me like he is just learning his boundaries and learning self control. Plus, I really don't think you would see such a dramatic change after only a week.

I hope your situation gets better. As I've said, I've been very pleased. I am not saying full time day care is for everyone, but a few hours in alternative care can be so good for both parent and child.

Good luck.

dear F.,
don't give up on daycare - it IS good if it's the right place, with warm and giving teachers. It sounds like this particular place is not a good match, I would try another one! My son went to Primrose at ____@____.com (across from Walmart) and was happy there. They hug the kids and are very realxed. There is no yelling and the atmosphere is friendly.

all the best,
T.

Dear F.,

There are better ways to fulfill your child's need for social interaction and discipline than sending him to a daycare where the teacher yells and he comes home out of control.

As a former teacher, I know you do not need to yell in order to get your point across to a 2 year old or to teach him how to follow rules. Also, I realize that discipline starts at home and we can't rely on schools or daycare to teach him that, only to reinforce.

Social interaction can be accomplished through playgroups, childcare centers at gyms/clubs and attendance to the numerous camps in the area. I can almost guarantee you'll save money, too.

Discipline does not have to be loud or aggressive. There are lots of ways to teach your son rules and limits. Your local library can help you find bookson the various ways of disciplining without yelling but still being firm and in control. I

think the key is to show your child you are in control at all times and yelling is not needed to accomplish this. Not only will this make him feel safe but you can also be teaching him not to use a loud voice to get what you want.

I really hope this helps. Please feel free to contact me if I can be of assistance. ____@____.com