Daughters Friends Writing Very Hurtful Notes 12 Years Old. HELP

Dear S.,
I am probably going to make some of the other posters here angry for what I am about to say, but I feel compelled to say it. So here it goes..........

Like Mother like daughter. Where do you think these young ladies learned this kind of behavior? From their mothers of course. They overhear their mother lambasting one of her own friends to another of her friends, and then watch as their mother turns around and is then kind to this persons face. I think I said that correctly. Two faced daughters come from two faced mothers. Because daughters imitate what their mothers do. Just as sons imitate what their fathers do. Talking directly to these girls mothers will not work, because it will be a rather fruitless conversation, you'll hear things like "Oh, my daughter wouldn't do that", or "your daughter is my daughter's friend why would she do that", and lastly "your daughter must have said something that hurt my daughter's feelings, otherwise she wouldn't have said those things". Ultimately it will be turned around on you and your daughter and it will end in frustration. I speak from experience. The story is way too long to tell here, but if you like my e-mail address is ____@____.com you can contact me and I can tell you about it.

This note is a form of bullying though, and should be addressed with in the school system. If physical bullying is not allowed, neither should emotional bullying, or any other kind. It is counter productive to any kind of learning institution and environment. You should keep the note, and show it to the principal, and counselor at the school by making an appointment to speak with them. They then could possibly make it school policy that this kind of stuff is not allowed and will have harsh consequences for anyone who participates in it. And since they know all the girls names (they signed it themselves) they can speak with them personally. Or make copies of the notes and send them to the young ladies mothers, with out explanation, just send it and let the mothers speak with their daughters. And trust me on this what goes around comes around, these girls will get back just what they gave out tenfold. And your daughter having been on the receiving end of it will most probably never do it to anyone else because she understands just how it feels, so it's a life lesson learned, treat others as you wish to be treated. And she will learn that these girls are really not her friends, and she WILL find some girls that are TRUE friends.

Now here is where I'm really going to step on some toes. 10 years ago we were transferred to Utah. I have known LDS people all over the world (we were military) but there is a big difference between them and the LDS people here in Utah. We are not LDS by the way. But you will find that there are nasty clicks like this in any church (ward) affiliation, be it LDS, Evangelical Christian, Catholic, Methodist, or whatever. It's not just limited to the LDS. Though it can seem that way, because the LDS pretty much stick within the confines of their ward and can be rather exclusive, but I have seen it in all churches to some degree. Now having said that I want to say that I know some AWESOME LDS folks, great people, just as I know some that are not so kind. No particular church is immune to pettiness. But in my experience the LDS can be particularly good at it if you are not LDS. But LDS girls do NOT by ANY MEANS have the corner on cruelty. That's my experience anyway. And Trust me I've seen it all.

O.K. enough on that. I would talk to your daughter about her feelings, love her, be there for her, love her up (I know you do all that) and continue to do so. I would tell her that if she would not pass notes like that in church, then she shouldn't participate in that kind of stuff AT ALL. Preteen and teenage girls can be the cruelist beings on the face of the planet, just make sure that no matter how hard it is, that your daughter NEVER becomes one of them. I hope this helped. You and your daughter are in my prayers and keep on keeping on. And as the Psalms say "Weeping (mourning) last for a night, but joy comes in the morning". Take care and God bless.

A.

3 moms found this helpful

Unfortunately this is probably just an age related activity. I was the recipient and participant in mean girl games like this. We did it back and forth to each other and it got old and eventually ended. Having said that, I think that if someone had told my parents about my behavior at that age, it probably would have put the kabosh on it. I would have hated the "snitch" that got me in trouble for a while, but I would have thought twice before doing it again.

My other thought is, I would dare to say that these girls' parents don't know what their "good LDS" daughters are doing. Kids, LDS or not, act differently when they are away from their parents.

Regardless, the parents need to know what is going on. Hopefully they are receptive to you and take this seriously and act accordingly. I am LDS and if I found out that my daughter did something like that we'd definitely have some talking to do!

2 moms found this helpful

When I was in the 5th grade. There were two groups of girls - "The Group" and "The Nerd Herd." For a while my best friend and I belonged to the later and decided to change that by sitting with "The Group" and lunch time. They accepted us right away - impressed by our guts to sit with them. As time went on, leadership for "The Group" came into question and when one of the girls went out of town, another saw it as an opportunity to take charge. She decided in order to do that, she needed to kick me out of the group. They all had a "vote" and decided I was to be kicked out. I knew that there were several girls that were pressured into voting the way they did, and I don't (and never did) blame them, luckily I was able to see it for what it was.
When I told my mother about it, I don't remember what exactly she said to me to make me feel like I could face them, but I know she told me that I was loved regardless of what other people say about me. When I got to school, there was a note taped to my desk "ILAC" is all it said. My teacher came and told me that my mom had called and asked him to put it there. I didn't know what it meant, but it felt good that my mom didn't brush it aside. Later I found out that it means "I Am Loved And Cared for." Having that note on my desk somehow gave me the strength I needed to keep going.
I found the courage to sit with "The Nerd Herd" at lunch and they accepted me right away - in fact were amazed that I chose to sit with them. I made friends with them - they were the kind of REAL friends that I should have had all along. Eventually, I was asked to come back into "The Group" and I declined and suggested that we not have groups - I wanted to be friends with everyone.
When I got to Jr. High, most of us moved on and found other friends. That is what often happens when kids move to new schools or even grade levels.
I know that your daughter is older than I was and the situation is a little different. I just wanted to let you know that, from my experience, I never wished that my mom and talked with the school or with the other mothers. It was an amazing learning experience for me and a great strengthening experience! I would not have had it any other way. I was able to see my own value and that girls will be girls - which means cruelty some times.
Later, in high school, when we all go through such hard life lessons, I found a scripture that I loved and really taught me who I am. Moses 1:12-13 are the verses that I like the most, but the entire chapter tells why. Moses had just seen God and knew his worth and value - he was a son of God. When Satan came tempting him, he says, "Who art though? ...I am a son of God..." We can all say that. When we are faced with those who would drag us down, those who would want us to not see our true potential, we can say, "Who are you?? I am a daughter/son of God and I know who I am. I am of worth - regardless of what you think or say! I am a daughter/son of God!"
Helping your daughter know her real worth and helping her see past the bullies of the world will help her get through many hard times in her life. This is a wonderful chance for her to learn her worth - she is a daughter of God! Teach her that, help her understand it and it won't matter what is said. Be glad for her chance to learn this lesson! She will be able to look back at it as a defining moment in her life - IF you can help her get through it and help her learn her real worth, she may even be glad for it too.
Good luck! Let us know how things go.

2 moms found this helpful

I know you’re stuck somewhere in between wanting to make it stop and not wanting to make it worse. Here’s what I think… First, I’d involve the school. Most schools these days have bullying policies. Also, this puts the principal in the authority position so you don’t have to go around to the other parents and confront them one-on-one. It would be very difficult for you to enforce any changes, but very easy for the principal. Any normal parent would be horrified to find their child acting this way. But if the girls did get it from their parents, the principal can also set that parent straight by letting them know this will not be tolerated. Peer pressure will then be on your side. No one, not even an adult, wants to get called to the principal's office. It's socially embarrassing given that kids are a reflection of their parents - especially embarrassing in a religious setting. This will be a wonderful opportunity for these girls to learn to walk-the-walk and it won't stop unless their parents are involved.

The parents of the “best friend/ring leader” will no doubt be very surprised, but they need to know who they are raising. She obviously has some issues that need to be addressed! There will be other girls, who signed the letter, that will be relieved not to have to follow this girl anymore (and most likely don’t really have an issue with your daughter anyway). Plus, the parents of the girls who did feel pressured to sign will not be happy about their children being made to feel that way and will see the ring leader for what she is - a bad influence. If the ring leader is taken out, all the other pins fall too.

I would make it clear to the principal as well as the other parents that YOU found the letter (cleaning or however you did) and that your daughter did not bring it to you. In tween world, this does eliminate some of the snitch aspect. Also, it lets them know you’ll be on the lookout for anything else. They need to know this will not be tolerated and consequences will follow. They (mainly the one girl) have targeted your daughter because, for whatever reason, they see her as vulnerable. Show them (and your daughter) that she has an army of support behind her!

2 moms found this helpful

Wow! I don't even know where to start... What a terrible thing to have happen to your daughter. I agree with many of these mothers and here is my two cents. I think that this letter needs to be brought to the principal and the school counselor together in an arranged meeting, not just spur of the moment. When you make the appointment, just say that you have some issues that need to be resolved and that you would like to discuss it when you are there, they usually want to know whats happening over the phone and you can't give the whole story that way. Also, I would be calling her YW's pres and asking for a meeting with her. Just because these girls are LDS does not make them perfect. I am LDS and have seen some of the horrible things that girls can do, I have also seen how a larger number of these girls are upstanding and wonderful individuals and if they knew what was going on would definitely be on your daughters side. If you don't feel that this will resolve anything, maybe its time to go see the bishop. I also agree that your daughter should have some professional counseling, it makes a huge difference and the counselors at LDS Family Services are really great, (I have a son with a mood disorder and have used the service in the past). Remind your daughter that she is a daughter of her Heavenly Father and that she holds infinite worth. A priesthood blessing would also be very helpful. As for the girls parents, I think that the bishop would have a better time dealing with them and it would also take some of the pressure off of you, he would have a way of dealing with it with love and dignity whereas your situation is so emotionally charged that it may not come across that way, even if you think it is. Same thing with the school, let the principal deal with it. Ask him to keep you posted on what is happening with the situation, and keep very involved with the school so that you can get a good idea yourself of what is happening. I have had to deal with my share of bullies, I have 4 sons, so I can relate, and I think that the boys can be just as mean but more physical than the girls. This has always helped me in the past and currently with my 9 and 11 yr old's. Try not to get angry with the principal, you need the school on your side for the sake of your daughter. That part can be really hard. I am sorry that you and she have to go through this, nobody deserves this kind of treatment. You are in my prayers...

S.

SAHM of 4 sons... 11, 9, 7, and 2. My husband is the YM pres and I am Second Counselor in Primary.

1 mom found this helpful

First of all, if you haven't done so already, please contact the school principal and make them aware of this immediatly. I also have a daughter just shy of 12 and things like this happen. They haven't happened to her personally but the other girls in her grade have had to deal with it, not quite to the extreme your daughter has. At my daughter's school they meet weekly as a group with the school counselor to discuss things related to girls this age and it as been helping all of them. It's hard to say why this is happening but definitely notify the principal and the girls teachers at the school...maybe then they can notify the other parents of what is going on, what their daughters are doing. A very sad situation. Obviously, continue to support your daughter and remind her that she can't control what the others will say and do but she can control herself---she doesn't need to take part in the "game" they are dragging her into!

1 mom found this helpful

S., I am LDS and was the target of bulling at church from several kids. I am so sorry your daughter has had this happen. I was spit on and pushed around on the bus and at church even kicked out of my tent at girls camp in a storm resulting in a neighboring pitbull attacking me and sending me to the hospital. My mom tried to talk to the boys parents that were involved and they did nothing. But from a childs point of view who has been there we need advocates. Talk to school officials, church officials, these girls don't need to be friends but that is down right evil. As a parent I would want to know if my child were being mean. I would do something...ps bulling is against school poilcy now these girls could lose all rights to try out for any extra correcular activities.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey S.,
My daughter has been going through the same things ever since she started junior high (she is now 14 and almost done with 8th grade). Sadly, this is a case of kids being kids, and it will continue no matter what you or your daughter do. I went through the same thing at that age and I still feel the effects on my self esteem at 33 years old!
My advice is to have your daughter make an appointment with the school counselor or principal. They will help her talk through her feelings and give her some insight as to why children this age act as WRETCHEDLY as they do! Also, by talking to a person of authority, they will be aware of what is happening at the school and may take preventative measures before the insults and threats get out of hand. My daughter's school has mandatory peer meetings for children caught bullying, abusing substances, vandalizing etc etc.
Another idea is to have your daughter write a letter in response. Have her explain how unfortunate it is that those girls have so much extra time on their hands and that she would appreciate if they applied their energies elsewhere. If you think the parents would be rational (some are just like their naughty children!) feel free to discuss this issue and the hurt it has caused your family. Parents also need to be aware of their child's bullying.
Keep encouraging your daughter to keep her head up and be the better person. If she continues to struggle with these so called friends, see if you can't get her into a counselor to help with her confidence and sharing of feelings.
Best of luck, these are the toughest years of all!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

S., I too have daughters. They are much younger and I dread the teen years for this very reason.

What if you invited the moms over for lunch and asked them what they would do if it had been thier daughter receiving the note. Don't point fingers at thier daughters but work together to help all the girls.

I keep thinking of the young girl who hung herself after getting email from a neighbor acting like a boy. The neighbor wrote notes pretending to be a boy interested in the girl. The neighbor said very mean and hateful things to the girl after getting her trust and the girl hung herself. I think that this is a super extream case but something to keep in the back of your mind.

Bullying is common these days but I think it needs to be nipped in the bud. If my child had signed the note, I would want to know! This is a teaching opportunity for all involved.

Good luck and much love to you and your beautiful daughter!

1 mom found this helpful

That is a very volatile situation. You can't just let it go. Maybe you should talk with the principal of the school about it. I really think the parents of these girls would want to know about it, too. Any reasonable adult would see the evil in this kind of a letter. The girls need to know how serious it is to send hate mail. If the girls get in trouble, though, I can see your daughter taking the brunt of it, as you said. Perhaps it would be best to let the school in on it and handle it. My son was traumatized once and the vice principal called all ot the children involved in and talked some sense into their heads. They all apologized to my son and that was that. You need to find an advocate like that.

1 mom found this helpful

S.,
I have boys and it really isn't very different my oldest comes home from school the kids are being mean to me, even my friends. Like another mom said, I made the decision to let my kids grow and I am their safe place, they come to me to vent, a hug or a cup of love. I send them notes to school or stop by to say HI just cause I can. But when they have issues like kids bullying them or being mean, I tell them then they really aren't your friends and to stay away from them, My middle son had a real issue with a bully this year to the point he came home with a few bruises and I told him use your words if that don't work knock him down. I also went to his teacher and told her if you can't do your job to keep my child safe at school he has my permission to keep himself safe and from physical harm.
Kids are cruel and it don't matter what religion you are. Remember back to when you were that age and how hard life was.
We can't protect our kids from everything and some lessons they need to learn the hard way so that they can grow. Lessons of life are hard and hurtful sometimes but thats what makes a strong adult is having learned the harder lessons early and not later.
Your daughter sounds like a beautiful yound lady who has had a rough road already and is stronger than most for it. My mom used to tell me at that age life is only going to get harder and it's life is like a track with hurdles on it, if you skip one, it will always come back around, it is better to face it head on at the time and then move forward. Remind her you are always there for her and that if those girls were really her friends they wouldn't be treating her like that.
The best friends are the ones you keep through out your lifetime. I have had the same friends now for almost 20+ years. My friends kids are my kids friends and life has started to come full circle.
Good Luck and constanly remind her you will always be right there for her.

1 mom found this helpful

At maybe 9 going to the other parents can be extremely helpful, but at 12 it is more likely, like you said, to create a huge backlash.

Many schools have a 0 tolerance to bullying and all the girls could get suspended from school which could really band them together even tighter against your daughter.

Only one person wrote the note, and to be that mean and nasty is a cry for help on her part, getting her in trouble isn't going to get her the help she needs but may give her enough attention that it encourages more of that type of behavior.

Also it will create 'sides' and if all the girls who signed it are in trouble too, they're more apt to side against your daughter. Girls at that age are so fickle, tomorrow all the girls who signed the letter may turn against the one who wrote it.

This can be a huge learning/growing opportunity for your daughter. She can learn through this not to allow anyone define who she is. That's such a valuable lesson that will help her thru out her whole life. I might want to work with a professional experienced with adolescence to help with that. I would start by going line by line and illustrating how absolutely untrue it is... so ridiculously untrue that its funny.

Another thing you can teach her through this is empathy. To explain to her that it takes someone in a lot of pain to be so mean and hateful to someone else, that the author must feel really threatened if she needs to turn others against one person and that probably most of the girls that signed it are really just trying to belong themselves, and some may even be fearful that if they didn't they'd be excluded too. When people say mean things to other people they are really saying the things they think or fear about themselves. Explain this to your daughter. Also, explain that the person who wrote this is still in pain and will most likely turn on someone else, or have already hurt others in similar ways.

One more thing that she can learn through this is that forgiveness is a selfish act. She doesn't even need to share that with them. If she can pray for the willingness to forgive them and use the new empathy to help her achieve that she will not have to live with the pain of being a victim or the burden of shouldering a resentment.

It takes two opposing sides to have a conflict if she doesn't participate the conflict will cease.

I've been amazed at the things my 16 yo was able to work through on his own when he was that age. If you give her some insights, encouragement and support she just might be able to find solutions.

If it were me, 12 again, with all the wisdom of my adult years I'd figure out the most approachable girl - could be the one that signed it last, could be one that was hurt by the author in the past - and ask her if I did anything to offend her - and apologize if they say yes otherwise just leave it at that... no accusations no anger. I'd do that with a few of the girls. Then wait.... before long they'll start apologizing to her.

1 mom found this helpful

S.,

As a Mom I would want to know if my beloved child wrote such a horrible thing! Especially if I wear my religion like a banner.

I absolutely think you should go with your first intuition. I think you should gather the parents together with the principal at school and present the letter OR individually in their homes and have the girls each read it out loud to their parents repectively withOUT your daughter.

Please don't get sucked into the fear of MORE pain, that's something children learn to bank on.

Normally, I don't advocate getting involved because by the time we get to it the girls (or boys) have already gotten passed it and moved on and we tend to allow our own personal feelings get in the way of them learning how to draw their own boundaries. However, there are some things within that letter that need to be addressed. You don't have to cross boundaries and become hateful toward the other girls, infact this could be a very valuable learning lesson for them. This is a time for them to be expected to learn compassion, boundaries, and self-control.

Also, I'd be very clear with the parents that if this continues in ANY way, that particular note will find it's way to the authorities along with any other threatening distraction to your daughters learning...(that includes going to their clergy)

You don't have to be mean to be clear and protective...but you must be proactive.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, and you're doing a great thing to tell your daughter she's strong and brave and that you know she's an amazing person.

1 mom found this helpful

How terrible for "friends" to say such hurtful things to another human being. I agree that you are in a hard spot. If you speak to the girls parents it may come back on your daughter at school. But if you don't say something to someone it will continue or get worse. These girls need to be taught that saying terrible things to other people is NOT acceptable. This should maybe something that the school Principal, resource officer, councilor or safe school personal should handle. If these girls are doing this to your daughter .. they are most likely saying terrible things to other kids as well. It needs to be addressed & soon !!! Contact the school tomorrow or better yet today .. If the girls then try to make life hard for your daughter at school .. you know that they will be watched & talked to there. I feel for you & your daughter .. kids can be so mean sometimes. Take heart that everything will turn out & your daughter will be a better person for not stooping to their level & handling the situation like an adult.

1 mom found this helpful

How awful! It would be easy to tell her that they don't matter, that she is beautiful and wonderful and not to listen to them. Of course, we all remember what it's like to be a teenager or pre-teen, and the truth is, what your peers think means everything to you. I would encourage her to find other friends that have better values and wouldn't treat people that way; maybe there is a club or after-school activity she could join and meet people with similar interests? Or, maybe tell her she can ask 3 people to come over for pizza that she has wanted to get to know better (but not those girls!). And, of course, most importantly, continue to reinforce her positive attributes, and keep telling her you love her! Obviously your daughter trusts you enough to talk to you about this issue, which says a lot about your relationship--congratulations to you for that! Keep that going, and support her through your instincts; it sounds like you've been doing a great job so far!
S.

1 mom found this helpful

You need to contact your daughters teachers, counselor, principal etc...this is bullying and is not acceptable under any circumstance. Be sure to show them the note so that they have the evidence they need to handle the situation correctly. If you don't get anywhere with them, then go the next step higher to the Superintendent and even the School Board. Yes, girls this age can be so mean and hurtful, but in this day and age, bullying is no longer tolerated. Does your daughter's school have a Bully Hotline? That would be another avenue to persue. Try to involve your daughter in whatever decision you choose in rectifying this bullying issue, it will help her learn to advocate for herself. School is supposed to be a safe environment and your daughter is no longer safe, and you need to stress this to those in charge. It is so hard to see our children hurting and not know what to do to help them. These bullies need to find out that what they are doing is not right and that what they are doing is just as damaging if not more so than physical damage. Hope that this helps you. J. M.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree completly with Courtney, That is the course of action I would take. Girls are so mean to each other and both of my older girls have gone through this at about the same age, they are now 15 and 14, as they changed so did there friendships, sadly this is the age where everything starts to change and the girls start to jockey for "position" my oldest girl had it worst, and I rememeber her crying for weeks on end when her bestfriend just up and dumped her at your DD's age, 3 years later and they can at least have a civil conversation now (small school, not much choice). But she did survive and now has a good group of misfit friends. My 14 year old is still having issue's but they aren't so much mean as catty. Good luck, I hope your DD can move past this and know that she is an amazing girl, just because she is loved!

1 mom found this helpful

Wow - that is HORRIBLE!!! I don't have advice based on personal experience, but if that happened to my daughter (who is 8) I would talk to the school counselor for advice on how to deal with it. Girls are well-known to be VERY mean at this age, and I'm sure the school has the best information and resources available to help you with this. I DO think this is behavior that should be addressed by the other girls' parents and teachers, since it's simply unacceptable. However, I agree that it may make things worse on your daughter if handled the wrong way. Also look at how you can reinforce positive with your daughter - find ways she can find friends who are true friends, loyal, loving, etc. She needs to be loved and understand that the world is full of hurtful things but she can counter-balance that by surrounding herself with love and friendship... and by giving love and friendship to others. Good luck, and thanks for bringing this to all of our attention.

1 mom found this helpful

you have such great advice on here already--I did just want to point out that I agree that the school needs to be involved. It is bullying, and it is also a form of harrassment which could lead to criminal charges, do I think it needs to go that far? not yet...but there do need to be consiquences for their behavior. I think that needs to come to them from the school, not from you--if you go to the parents it can be seen as finger pointing your child isn't good, but coming from the school it will be forced to be taken seriously. Most parents would work to rectify the situation, unfortunately we don't live by the same moral codes in our society anymore that used to prevail years ago--it isn't like when we were kids. In some ways that is sad and in some ways it is good because at least now we know to talk about issues! Thank you for sharing this, it can't have been easy--and what a great mom you are! Good for you. I think most mom's on here have been thinking, my kid...has my kid done this? And hopefully will sit down with thier kids and share this experience and take an opportunity to discuss with them this issue. I think the healthiest approach is to make a copy to take to the principal (keep your original in case you need it later) and ask that he/she do something to provide a safe learning environment for your child. It WILL be taken seriously worded in that way. The Vice Principal is over the discipline of the children but the Principal needs to set the tone for this with your childs school. again thank you for bringing this up, obviously by the number of respones you have gotten this is an issue we moms are concerned about. my heart is with you...you might want to consider sharing some of the responses with your daughter and see that there truly is an army as one mom put it--behind her right now.

1 mom found this helpful

S.,

I am with you.
This is a huge challenge for you and your daughter.

First of all you get to reassure your daughter that she is a beautiful girl
(so the note isn't the truth).

When you get to the point where you can be calm about the situation I would talk to the other girls parents.

Remember to approach it from wanting to assist the other girls to be more loving and kind. Only talk to the mothers when you can come from that space.
I realize it might be some time
before you are able to do that.

Trust that these girls were not raised to behave like this.
I don't know any parent that would wish for their
children to be so cruel and hurtful.

My prayers are with you and your daughter in this
time of trial and deep hurt.

With Love, C.

1 mom found this helpful

Well, although you are right if they get into trouble they may be even madder at your daughter, this kindof thing may be bulling, and is not tolerated in most schools. I would take the note to her school and have a meeting with her counseral, princable and maybe even teacher. it is very important this gets stoped now, as it could become violent if someone does not step in. my prayers are with you and your family.

1 mom found this helpful

I have to say I agree with Courtney L on how to handle this, but I do want to add a little more. I realize the things these girls are saying is hurtful, but I think, and please don't take offense to this, that you as mom need to be the role model for how your daughter needs to handle this. Crying over what the girls wrote, especially in front of your daughter will only teach her to let it bother her. If she sees it bothering you so much, she will let that nonsense get to her. And, I would definitely look at putting her in some sort of martial arts class. She will be taught how to handle her anger in a positive way, and thus will be able to shrug these girls off. She may even meet a really nice girlfriend who she relate to there. I know some moms think karate is just about teaching to fight, but if you have the right teacher, it is more about controlling your anger, being respectful, learning discipline, and learning how to defend yourself only when you need to. My son is 6 and my daughter is 3 1/2, and they both want to start karate this Summer. I offered dance for my little girl, but nope she want karate. I'm actually glad for that because I'm not big on dolling my little girl up with make-up and this way she will learn early how to handle bully girls like the ones you speak of. Hang in there and keep being a positive role model for your girl. And of course do as Courtney says and stay on top of it at school. Your daughter will eventually learn who her real friends are. I remember that age, and I lost all of my "friends" because I wouldn't join their violent gang. I soon made better friends.

1 mom found this helpful

I had to laugh a little (sorry) about your reference to good LDS girls. I know that it must seem like an inappropriate response, but let me tell you a little about my experiences. I have been LDS all my life and have seen the devistation that good LDS kids can level at each other. I have seen "good" LDS kids break into the church building and using the copy machine to photocopy private parts and then they left the pictures all over the chappel. In that same instance, they urinated on the walls. I had an upstanding priesthood holder "good" LDS boy slap me clean across the face for standing up for my friend. Another upstanding priesthood holder brought a gun to my house and held it to my friend's head and fired it...luckily it was not loaded (but we didnt know that at the time). I was about your daughters age when all of these things happened. As I got older, I had multiple problems with good LDS girls. My senior year in high school I spent mostly alone because of the actions of these good LDS girls. But the silver lining was that I had one good friend that stuck with me in spite of what others did or said.

The first thing your daughter should realize is that this too shall pass. There is life after this (even if it doesnt seem that way now), and even if she has to spend some of it on her own, she will be better for distancing herself from this toxicity. It is also probably true that this letter was the product of one or two of these girls and not the entire group and that the rest were probably pressured into signing the letter. The other thing she needs to understand is that she cannot choose the way other people treat her (this I also know from experience) but she can choose her reaction to the way people treat her (you choose your reaction too and hers will mimic yours because you are her example). Dont play down her hurt feelings because she should be allowed to feel what she feels, but dont let her dwell on it and dont let it own her. For ten years I have been allowing my mother in law to dictate my feelings as she has treated me badly, and it has taken this long for me to learn that lessen. Talk to your daughter and let her share her feelings, even her thoughts on why. One other thing is that girls do things for a reaction, and if your daughter can come up with a viable reason why, then she can avoid giving them what they want...

I understand the feeling of telling these girls parents, but you may not get the reaction you want. It may be better to teach your daughter to stand up to the girls than to involve the parents. I am the kind of mom that if you showed me the letter and told me my daughter was involved, my daughter would be in a lot of trouble, but I am a rare breed of parent. I remember one time where one good LDS boy was hurting my brother (he picked him up and body slammed him among other things) and my brother and I confronted the mother of the boy. She ended up threatening me with her large family (13 boys), so I can see why her son thought it was ok to hurt my brother. The boy who slapped me was not punished either, so you may not get the reaction you want from the parents.

The best advice I can give you is to support your daughter, encourage her to find friends who as my PB says "have an eye single to the glory of God" and she will soon forget the hurt these girls have leveled at her. She will be happier in the end than these girls.

Keep your chin up, and your daughter's as well.

PS, you may want to involve her YW leaders...they may be able to give you a perspective you dont have and help gear activities and lessons to the problems within the group. That helped some in my situations.

1 mom found this helpful

S.,

I would definitely take it to the school principal. They can and should do something about it. I am a teacher, and unfortunately see this kind of behavior in girls as young as 8. In many schools this kind of behavior is not tollerated and there are consequences for the mean girls.

There is usually a ringleader who is somehow bullying the other girls into following along. They follow along out of fear of being the next target if they stand up to the ringleader.

You may want to seek out the book "Girls Will be Girls..." It is a great book about just this type of behavior. It has great stories from girls who have gone through it. It also will give you some advice on how to help your daughter.

My own daughter's friends were very mean to her and pushed her out of their circle when she was only in 2nd grade. I went to the parents first. When nothing changed I went to the school. They did help her a lot, plus they let the other girls know their behavior was not acceptable. In the beginning it was very hard on her and we spent many nights with her sobbing in my lap while I told her how great she was. She is now a very social, happy 5th grade girl with a lot of fantastic friends. The girls who were mean don't have very many friends at all because they are mean and the other kids don't want to hang out with them.

1 mom found this helpful

Try taking the letter to the school principal, counselor, and teacher. Don't go to the parents of these girls until you have talked to the school. Let them call the parents.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with Miriam. Take the note and go talk to the school counselor or classroom teacher. This is happening at school and school bullying is a serious thing that can have tragic consequenses. Remember Columbine High School - extreme example, yes, but it started with a little ostracism and bullying, and this is what is happening to your precious daughter. It's a concern for the school and I feel sure they will handle it.

When my 22-year-old son was in ninth grade, he was being bullied by a fellow student. I advised him repeatedly to not let it get to him, be the better person, remember the other kid is the one with the problem. However, it hit the point my son wanted to transfer to another school. We lived in a rural area, so going to another school could be easily arranged but would have been a major hardship on a family headed by a single mom who worked long hours. We actually set about the process of a school transfer and I phoned the school principle that morning to say my son would not be in school that day because we were making arrangements for transfer to the district in the next town. He asked me to come meet with him. When I did meet with him, I found that the school did indeed take the situation very seriously and intervened so that the bully stopped short in his tracks. There was never a bit of retribution toward my son because the school made it clear to the bully that every teacher in the facility would be watching him very closely until the day he graduated.

Problem solved. Let the school handle this thing with your daughter. She needs it to stop, and more important, these bullying girls need someone to stop them so they become responsible, caring adults who are able to have good relationships with the people around them.

1 mom found this helpful

I just want to say that if you are unsure of whether to talk to the parents or not, try looking at it from the other side. As a parent I am raising my daughter with expectations of her behavior, and I WOULD want to know if she were ever involved in bullying. If the tables were turned would you want to know? I think most parents would. But as others said proceed with caution and in the same manner that you would want to be approached. Best of luck.

1 mom found this helpful

First, I don't think you should specify "good lds girls" like that. Whatever religion they are does NOT matter. They are human like everyone else and no matter how hard a parent teaches their children to be kind to everyone kids do their own things, by choice, when their parents aren't around. The fact is kids can be cruel and 12 seems to be a time when it really kicks in. My son comes home and says things like "Everybody was mean to me today, even my best friends". I try to encourage him by telling him if they were really his friends they wouldn't be mean to him and not to hang out with those kids anymore. When I was 12 I had 3 girls who were extremely mean to me. I tried to ignore them but it was really wearing on me. I knew I couldn't talk to them face to face so I wrote them a note. I pretty much just said that we were all being silly and that I couldn't figure out why we were fighting because they had done nothing to me and I had done nothing to them. I said we were wasting our times fighting when we could be enjoying each others friendships. We were all friends from then until even after graduating high school. That was 22 years ago and that may not work in today's world. I also just made sure I surrounded myself with MY friends. Hopefully your daughter can surround herself with friends that are good to her and just learn to let what other people say go in one ear and out the other because she should know that she is wonderful. Kids will always say mean things and hopefully she can just live her life surrounded by people who love her and think she is awesome and not let what a few people say affect who she is. Good luck!!!

1 mom found this helpful

This is so heart breaking - I have 2 young daughters and I know there are rough years ahead. As much as you are concerned about revenge, I agree with some of the other advice on here - I would meet with the girls and their mothers. They are 12, and although they like to think they are invincible, when faced by an adult(s) with their unacceptable behavior, they will probably be chastened and remorseful - they are doing this because they think your daughter is a weak target and that they can get away with it - if they are confronted in front of their parents, they will realize they can not do this and get away with it - they need to be told that their actions are unacceptable and wrong.

If my daughter EVER participated in such a horrible letter, I would want to know immediately, and I would take severe disciplinary action with her. Too often kids get away with bullying because they think they can. You would be doing all involved a service by showing them this will not be tolerated.

I also agree your daughter needs a lot of TLC right now - some spoiling wouldn't hurt. Also, perhaps it is time to get her involved in some activity outside of school (a sport or art class) where she can meet new friends, and have a little space from these so called "friends"

Send your daughter lots of love and hugs - I am heartbroken for her, and remember those hurtful years well myself. Let us know how it goes.

1 mom found this helpful

First of all, girls can be very mean, especially around this age. This is the age when being popular is all important and if you can get popular by putting down someone else, they will do it, unfortunately they don't think of the people they are insulting.

Secondly, this is a form of bullying. I would talk to the parents of the girls involved and be as tactful as you can. Bring the letter with you. No one likes to hear or read that their kid is involved with something like this, but they do need to be told that their child is being abusive.

Write out what you want to say before you go see them. By all means vent and rant all you want. Then edit it. Remember how you would feel if someone confronted you about your step-daughter doing something like this. You need to let these parents know, but you don't want to say something that you may regret later.

I'd also talk to your daughter about you going and seeing these girls' parents. If she knows about it, she may have questions you can ask on her behalf, like why are they doing this? She will also be able to prepare herself against any possible retaliation from these "friends."

Get the school counselors involved too. The more the school is aware of such bullying incidents, the more action can be taken while at school. Be proactive about it too. If you feel like you've been brushed off, ask to speak to someone else.

Lastly,(sorry this is so long), I'd explain to her that sometimes people change and it isn't always a good change. It sounds like her "friends" have changed and that they no longer appreciate her. Perhaps there is someone else she could be friends with. I know that's a hard thing to suggest, but if she has a peer she can turn to, it will be easier for her.

Keep being a positive role in her life. She will appreciate that a lot more than fair-weather friends.

1 mom found this helpful

In my humble opinion there are many reasons for you to take this note not only to the mothers, but even to the principle. Bullying is a serious thing. And if I were the mother or father of one of those children I would want to know that my child is becoming a cruel and hateful human being. I would want to nip it in the bud. Also, though I can understand you not wanting her to have to be in this confrontation mode, not addressing it could also setting her up to let people run over her all through life. So what if they don't like her even more. Why would she want to be with emotional vampires starting this early. People that make her feel less than what she is , people that drain her self esteem and her self worth. Don't even just look at it as you would be helping her alone, look at it as you would be helping those other children and maybe even future children they would harass.She obviously has a loving mother figure in her life, you, and that will go a long way.

1 mom found this helpful

I would contact your daughter's school counselors. This is bullying and should not be tolerated. Most schools have a bullying program and can discreetly help your daughter in a way that won't cause more problems. If you don't find help with counselors, go to the principal.

1 mom found this helpful

Gosh, that is so hard, but as a mom, I would probably bring it up to someone's attention. If not the parents of the other girls, maybe the teacher or principal. I can just see these girls continue to bully your daughter and who knows what it can do to her self esteem. I realize sometimes it's ok to let them work things out, but if I saw a letter like that, it would be hard for me to watch it go on. I do the assemblies at the school my child goes to, so you may want to talk to even a PTA parent and see if they can put an assembly regarding issues like this. Good luck, I hope things will work out.

1 mom found this helpful

This is definitely not something to just let go - even if it means that you worry about the girls being more mean. I would go to the school counselor AND adminstrators and report this activity. It's happening at school and they're responsible for your daughter's safety while she's there. I would also request a face-to-face with all the mom's and girls at the school administrator's office (ask that the school resource officer be present). If they are forced to look at each other, all at the same time, and aren't able to bluff their way through with their parents sitting right there, but instead are made to explain their poor behavior maybe that would have enough impact. There might also be some help from the resource officer regarding harassment - it may qualify for the girls to be placed in ISS for a time, or like we have here there is a program called Alpha One and it's out of school suspension, but the kids are bussed to a location to spend their school day and do their school work and it's run by the local police department. Those girls, who were supposed to be your daughter's friends, need to be held accountable for their actions - with all the violence we've seen in schools in recent years, the last thing needed is to let bad behavior continue by ignoring it. Keep supporting your daughter as much as possible, but know that even if she's scared about something being done, the fact that you're taking care of it will be important to her. Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have any specific advice but just read your request and am heart-sick. I was almost in tears reading those terrible words. I know what it feels like to be hated for no real reason and it is so hard. I would just say to continue to stay close to your daughter and let her know often of your love and approval of all she does. I know girls this age do things like this and don't think they will get caught. That doesn't make it right but if the mothers of these other girls knew what was happening, I bet they would be mortified. You have some great advice here from other mothers and I wish you good luck in helping your daughter.

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have any personal experience with this because my kids are so young, but I disagree with the post about not crying. Sure, you probably shouldn't let your daughter see you crying about it too much because then she'll think that her world really IS crashing down around her. But seeing a tear in your eye on her behalf shows that you understand her pain. And teaches her that it's okay to have emotions, feel them, and express them. I'm coming from a unique perspective. My husband was taught that feeling and expressing emotions is "unmanly" and "wrong" and it precipitated a personality disorder (which is a mild form of mental illness). It nearly (and still could) break up our family.
My niece is almost 10 and I know that her school has a firm No-Bully rule. If your daughter's school has a policy on bullying, ask them for advice.
That's all the advice I have for you.

1 mom found this helpful

I would definitely give a copy of the letter to each mother, and ask to get together to talk about it. I found that talking about these types of situations really helps everyone see how hurtful it is to the person being "outed" and usually results in a peaceful resolution. With four kids, I've faced this more than once and have always made the parent aware of their child's behavior, then gotten together to talk about it with everyone involved - with very positive results. Perhaps you and your daughter could meet with each mother/daughter pair individually - you didn't say how many girls are involved, but if it's just a small group, then perhaps a group meeting could work. The point is, this needs to be discussed and the girls involved need to see the effect it's had on your daughter, and their parents need to be made aware of their behavior. This is how children learn - and it's our responsibility to guide children so they can be aware of the effect of their actions. Good luck to you.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with the other moms, go to the school counselor and perhaps vice principal or principal. Just ask to set a meeting with them. At that time they or you may suggest bringing the other parents in to talk. This is in no way acceptable and with everything going on in the news, we see how mean kids can be and how that can effect children's lives.
And to take it one step further, you may want to see if your daughter would be willing to see a professional counselor to help her cope with what has happened to her with these girls, but also what she has gone through with her bio mom.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm 40 now, but I remember when I was 8-10 years old and was making fun of another girl my age in the neighborhood. That mom came right over with her daughter and had a talk with me and my mother. It nipped what was just silly youthful and thoughtless behaviour in the bud. We said sorry and were able to move past it. We have been easy friends ever since. Boy, do I respect that mom. I wish my mom had done that later when I said something mean and thoughtless to my best friend (we were in 5th grade). I didn't really know how to undo the hurt. Her family moved soon after and I still carry sadness about that experience. 7th grade was vicious too; we had a 'queen bee' who determined who was popular and who wasn't. I wish I had been able to stand up to, or at least ignore, her.

I would definitely reach out to the mothers, and possibly the girls and their mothers. These actions are not acceptable. If they don't know it now, they will later, and any self respecting person will wish they hadn't been involved. Talking to the moms/girls will give them the way out now I bet they wish they had. "I'm sure your daughter was just playing along with her friends when they did this and I'm sure she never expected it would really go to my daughter, but it did . . . . and I'm certain you understand how difficult this age is and what impact even unintentionally words can have." Maybe that language is being too easy on them, you decide. But definitely call them on the carpet, and let them know grown ups are watching and they've crossed the line. Hope this helps.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a daughter who is about to turn 14 and a daughter that just turned 12 so I know how mean and nasty girls can be at this age. The one thing that works best for me is to just be there for my daughters. As mothers we always want to scoop in and right the wrongs and fix what's broken. I decided long ago that if I want my girls to grow up to be independent, smart young women then I have to let them learn the "life lessons." I am the one they get to come home to, the safe home. The person that hugs them while they cry, vent, scream or whatever it takes to feel better. I am thier safe place to land and I don't offer advice...I just listen. As hard as that sounds...I just listen. I hear so much about "good lds people" doing bad things but the truth is we are all human. We all have free agency to choose how we treat each other and I hope you realize that it has nothing to do with the religion itself and everything to do with the choices the young girls are making to try and survive in the craziness of peer pressure. Give your daughter a hug from me and tell her I will pray for her her to have peace and find some friends that will be true to her.

A little about me:
Full time working mom of three girls ages 13, 12 and 5 years old. Just celebrated my 6th anniverary to the love of my life.

1 mom found this helpful

Middle school for girls is the absolute worst! I have three daughters. My second just completed middle school. I know you are worried about revenge, but please also worry about escalation!!! Make an appointment with the school principal. Tell him/her what's going on (bring the letter!). Ask if he/she would hold an assembly, read the letter (without names mentioned) and address bullying. If you live in Colorado, the bullying laws are pretty stiff. At the assembly, the laws can also be reviewed and the principal can state that the school has a "no tolerance" policy. Not that I would ask him/her to lie, but it can be said that the note was "discovered" so it doesn't look like your daughter ratted them out.

Blessings ... give her another big hug & kiss!
L.

1 mom found this helpful

This needs to be shared with the school counselor. This is the information the school needs to help control bulleying in the school to protect our children. The counselor will not make things harder for your child but able to bring support she may need immediately in the building,as well as address those that are bulleying. Those children, especially the one that wrote the letter, must be going through some problems to write such a hateful letter.

The counselor should be trained on how to handle matters like these in a professional way. I believe it is in everyones best interest if this brought to the school's attention right away.

1 mom found this helpful

I am a teacher and a mom. Girls at this age are so difficult and mean. You are not going to change how the other kids behave. All you can do is help your daughter deal. It's tough not to take it personally. Tell your daughter that the reason these girls are so mean to her is because something is wrong in their own lives. So, it makes them feel better about themselves to be mean to someone else. It doesn't make it right. It's just how it is. I would alert the school. There's probably not much they can do --- but making them aware of the problem is good. Have your daughter meet with the school counselor. Your family should do all that it can to build your daughter's self esteem. Sounds like your daughter needs a different group of friends. Get her involved in extracurricular activities, or clubs, or something that would help her meet new friends with similar interests. Talk to your daughter about whether this note should be shared with the other girls' mothers. Part of me feels that these parents should be aware of how their children are behaving. But I am also aware there would be some backlash. I guess my question is --- would the backlash be any worse than what has already happened? Another thought is to encourage your daughter to tough it out. That this will soon pass. This age group of girls will change with the wind. I would also encourage her to stand up for herself. Not sink to their level. Sometimes kids pick out the weak and pick on them continuously. Brainstorm things she could say. I particularly like "'You are entitled to your own opinions, but not your own facts.' What you have said simply is not true." Find someone to help you with strategies for bullying. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Kids can be cruel. Life can be cruel. It is important for you to teach her healthy conflict resolution and coping strategies. Most of all, love her, love her, love her.

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Kids can be soooo mean. Have you shared the note with their teacher? I am a teacher and would want to know about this so I could keep an eye on the kids. I would maybe even show this to the principal. I think the parents of the other kids should know as well. I wouldn't approach them in an attacking way. Kids are kids and this is a mean but relatively typical 12 year old girl thing (in my opinion)...but that doesn't make it ok. I would let them know you are just worried and sad for your child and want the kids to work it out in a way that would teach them all. Maybe a parent could be a facilitater to a get together with all the girls where they could talk out the feelings that brought on this situation and were caused by it. Hope this is of some help.

1 mom found this helpful

There is a group in our state that is fairly new called Safe to Tell to help with bullying issues, or any issue that makes kids feel uncomfortable. You can contact them at 1-877-542-SAFE (7233)or visit their site at www.safe2tell.org

Shirley, mom to 3, two of which are twins

1 mom found this helpful

I hate to tell you this but I have 4 daughters and they all went through this. I don't know why girls are so mean to eachother but they are. Some of my girls weathered this better then others. I did talk to the teacher as well as the parent when one of these wonderful poison pen letters happened into our life. I was so angry and hurt for my daughter. She still has a hard time trusting anyone and she is almost 20. She has been in counciling and she see no need to have any friends other then her sisters. She is now starting to branch out but it has taken a long time.

You make sure she knows she is loved and don't let those bullies get away with this!!! Fight for her because this is not right or proper behavior for young ladies.
I feel for you this is sooo very hard.
C. B

1 mom found this helpful

be tough. i would go to each of the girl's homes, show the note to their parents, tell them in your own words about how everyone has problems and how they shouldn't tease, and tell them if they ever do anything like this again, you will see that their teachers and the principle know what their doing. the girls need to be disciplined. as for your daughter, let her know that it doesn't matter what others think. she is beautiful and smart. if she struggles with weight or school, help her lovingly while making it fun.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with what most people have to say. I understand your worried about it coming back to your DD but think about what 12 yo's are starting to do now. Its insane the things they are coming up with to "deal" with the pain.

I really liked the idea of the person who said to hold an asembly and state the laws on bullying. Also, the person who said to talk with all the people involed with their parents & w/ a faculty member.
There was another point I liked but my DD came in and asked a question and now I can't remember it for the life of me!

I know 12 yo's are supposed to start learning how to fight their own battles, but it sounds like this is a war. I'm so sorry you both have to go through this. Gl and let us know how it turns out.
J.

1 mom found this helpful

Ugh, middle school girls are SO MEAN. I had a hard time in middle school too, because I was a tomboy. Does she have any other friends to spend time with and lean on? Obviously, these girls are NOT her friends. WHy does she refer to them as her "best friends"? She should not try to spend time with or around them if they are going to be so hurtful. It is terrible for her self esteem. Maybe she can get involved in a club or after school activity where she can find a different group of people to hang out with.

1 mom found this helpful

Please don't hesitate to get the school counselors together. they can talk to your daughter adn bring it to the attention of the girl's parents and perhaps have everyone sit down together and work this out. Don't turn your back on bullying of any sort. Help the school intervene on your daughter's behalf. This will also sset an example for your daughter on how to stand up for her self and her rights as a student. If it makes the girls mad at her so be it. Your daughter doesn't need frineds like that and perhaps no friends are better than these girls!