Daughter Will Not Participate in Any Activity

T.,

I'd have to say it is hard to let go or to see your child struggle when it comes to being social or having to be somewhere where you, the mom, can't always follow.

My son is the same way. My husband convinced me that he needed to go to daycare/pre-school because it would be better for his social development. It has worked wonders on him because about 2 years ago, I couldn't even go into the kitchen without him whinning and following me in there. It was really stressful to see my son act in this way. Now that he is in day care he is more independent.

She may be just like her dad with not wanting to be around big crowds, I'm the same way, but it doesn't stop me from going places. I think DAD needs to assure her that everything is alright in these places and that she is safe no matter what.

This is normal behavior. I doubt the doctor will have any advice about this. He just might state that she does need more social interaction.

Have you ever left her with a babysitter? Has anyone ever watched your girls while you and your husband went out? How did she do? Try a home day care first before pre-k...get her to meet new children her age and their parents too of course.

I don't really agree with a lot of the advice. She's 3. Cut her some slack. If she's uncomfortable in big groups, don't make her go to big groups. She's got lots of life left to be in structured atmospheres and schools. Let her be a kid and don't stress about it. They grow up fast enough as it is. Don't rush it.

T.-

I have a 3 year old myself and I am discovering (unfortunatly) that the 3's are way worse than the 2's. I assumed that this was justmy child but I am finding out it is all 3 year olds. My doctor told me that at 3 a child is finally fully developing their to be personality and that this means a lot of resistence when it comes to following directions. When they were 2 kids tend to go with what Mommy says or not based on their mood, however at 3 they have the cognitive ability to make a judgement based on their own personal agenda or feelings. He also said, that though the choice may not be what I would choose, to my son, it seems like the best choice. Dealing with it is stressful and frustrating, however he assured as he nears 4 that this will die down and being involved in Pre-K and structered activities where I would not be present would be fine.

T.-

I can understand your frustration - but I don't think there is a quick fix. Some children just seem to be more sensitive to loud noises and lots of people - they get overwhelmed. I would venture to say that the gymnastics coach caused some damage as far as her willingness to participate. Three year olds need some structure, but we can't expect them to behave perfectly. As far as her finger sucking - that's something that she does to comfort herself and the fact that she was sucking her fingers at the class should lead you to believe she was unsure of the situation and needed comforting - not criticism from her coach - someone she was supposed to trust and feel comfortable with. I believe three is a great age to begin doing some structured classes, but some children probably aren't as ready as others may be. I think that gymnastics coach probably needs to take a class in child development to see that their approach probably isn't the best. It almost makes me mad to read that. It's your job as a parent to help her feel more secure to where she doesn't need the fingers (have you tried a satiny lovey blanket?) not the coach's... We have a gymnastics program for kids at our local church and the coach is wonderful with them. There is some structure, but I say that very loosely. She never forces the kids to do anything and knows the importance of letting them feel secure enough in their environment and selves before moving to "do this like this.."

As for preschool - It would probably benefit her tremendously to attend one. Are your standards something that can be adjusted (like preferring a christian one to secular? - if it was a good one?) I would definitely send her to pre-K because by delaying that kind of thing you may just encourage the problem. Pre-K will give you a good idea if she's ready for kindergarten, though. Dr. Kevin Lehman encourages parents to make the decision whether they think their kids are ready to move on in school. (he's a great parenting resource, look him up). You could discuss this with your dr. but I don't think anything is wrong with your daughter. Some of us are introverts and others extroverts -

As for personal experience - My daughter is opposite, but one of our close friends and playmates fits the way you described your daughter. In my opinion I think it's her mom more than her daughter - as the times she leaves her at moms day out she eventually does fine... (not that you're the one in your situation) But time has really helped in this situation. Since our daughters go to the same class, I always ask the teachers how the other girl is doing because in conversation I hear my friend say how she thinks things are going horribly - when in reality her daughter is actually doing ok. She definitely still asks where her mom is and wants to go home, but with gentle reassurance and redirection from her teachers she makes the adjustment better and better each time.

I'd just encourage you to find the right activity to help your daughter find her confidence in a group setting. Have you considered something like Kindermusik or a moms day out program that is just once a week for a few hours?

Good luck!

I too want to stay at home with my children but I realize if I ever did it I would have to incoorporate certain things into my kids schedules so they socialize with other children and are not just use to being with me. It sounds like you never did that. Your daugther needs to learn to lisen to other adults and play with other children without you being around. ALso, when things are new kids are scared and there first reaction is to quit. Don't promote this behavior in your child because she will do that with everything that seems hard or she doesn't like at first. When I switched daycares for my daughter she cried most days for the first 2 weeks when I left, now she loves it and tells me to go. She has friends and enjoys it. You need to take her back to the gym class and give it a month. If after a month she still doesn't like it then find something else. Her first reaction was out of fear of something new and you not around. She is probably missing out on something she would love. You need to help her be able to be without you around and to play with other children . Join a mothers group or other activities right now especially for your youngest one before you have this situation with her too.Also, get your oldest one in a preschool program for half a day that way she would be learning and developing social skills and learning to lisen to teachers. It would do her a lot of good and would be in the best interest of her. Sometimes you have to realize that daycare is in the best interest of some children (i.e. shy ones, ones that aren't socialized etc). I would suggest part time so she gets the extra time with you and can develope some skills she will need for the future.

Terry, I went through the same thing with my son. He is very shy. So, last year I put him in preschool and yes we had lots of mornings where he cried and I cried after I left him, sobbing his little heart out. But I have a fantastic preschool and they really helped him. This year his is going to the same private school for prekindergarten, and it made the adjustment much easier. we still have our days that he doesn't want to go, but I have informed the teacher and the aide and they will get him interested in something as I leave. He won't be going to the same school next year for kindergarten, but I am hoping that these two years will help us make the transition. I had talked to his doctor and she said that it is a stage most children will go through. And at our last appointment, she couldn't believe what a difference it made, because he told her about things they do in school.
Good luck!!Let me know if you need any more advice.

Hi T.,

Every child is different and this is not unusual. Don't fret over the fact that your 3 year old still wants you there. She is used to your rules and other people giving her instruction at this age is new to her. She knows to trust you, she doesnt know to trust a gym instructor. Comfort and trust go hand in hand. When you were there, the comfort level was also. My youngest daughter wasn't comfortable in settings like that until she was around 10. She is a complete social butterfly now! This is all a matter of teaching her what you expect and not expecting her to be like all the other kids. I celebrate the fact that my girls are very independent thinkers and at 12 and 15 still trust their parents more than anyone else.

If you really have to send her to pre-K there are programs in the schools that allow parents to volunteer in the class. This might make her feel more comfortable. And who says you HAVE to send her to pre-K? You'll be home with the little one and she can learn at home. Either way or any way you think it's necessary for her well being is what Mom is supposed to do.

I started about the same time you did with this parenting thing! It's great! Enjoy them and don't let people around you dictate what you give them.

Good luck with everything!

M.

T.,
Talk to her doctor and see if he/she has any suggestions. She's young and new situations might be very scary for her. Just keep trying to include her in activities and find ways to distract her when she starts freaking out. For big classes, maybe you should wait till she's four. As for preschool, find one with a small class and give it a try. My daughter is shy when she first encounters people but she quickly warms up. I also do everything I can to make the situation exciting. I talk about what she's going to do in an exciting way or tone, so that she looks forward to it. If you dread taking her, she'll sense it and dread it to.

J.

It is more a stage, and she could handle the crowds and noise when mom was there because it was time with you and you were a comfort but now they took her comfort away. as for Pre-K i'd say jusy enroll her next year, the public pre-k's are great and mostly they are small. there is an assistant and a teacher and she will be able to socialize with more children her age. my 6 yr old is autistic and had sucker her thumb since birth. the way we are weaning her is to simply remove her thumb when we see it in her moth during the day except extreme stress when she is freaking or bedtime. mostly about 4th grade they wean themselves to fit in. the 3 yr old we're not worrying about ATM. unfortunately with the 6 yr old she is potty training and thus regression is expected. she is also now playing in the potty which make that hard because to keep her from playing in the toilet we have to lock the bathroom door:( anyway she is probably shy and pre-k will hwlp prepare her for kindergarden.

As long as she plays with other kids fine and just struggles with organized group activities I totally wouldn't worry about it. I think we put our kids in organized group settings way way earlier than ever before. I tried putting my daughter in gymastics @ 3 yrs old, and soccer @ 4 yrs old. Both attempts ended badly, haha. (She was in daycare and socialized well with others, had friends, etc). I pulled her out of both groups, and waited...now at 6 years old she goes to a pretty challenging gymastics class once a week and absolutely loves it. So, it may be just that your daughter is pretty young, and shy on top of it. Yes I do agree that having her in a preschool to ensure she's getting enough socialization with her peers is a good thing.

My daughter who is now 4 was a lot like this. She has gone to daycare since she was two and this year was the first time I dropped her off on the first day and she didn't freak out. I started her in a gymnastics class in January and she did not like that I was in another room from her. She said she didn't like because "it took too long to get out". However she has now stated that she is ready to go back. So, the best advice I have for you is to be patient and keep trying things and talk about activities that involve a lot of people in a positive and exciting way and she will come around. For example a week before she started Pre-k I started talking to her about it and expressing that I was really excited and talked about her teacher (who I went and met before hand) and discussed what it would be like and she was totally excited on her first day.
Also, I would like to recommend the center where I take her and her sister. Her sister is 2. I'm not sure where you live, but I can say it is pretty far from my house, but definately worth the drive. It is called Chutes 'N' Ladders (in Punta Gorda across the Caloosahatchee Bridge on SR 776)and they are an exceptional facility. They have a classroom atmosphere and not a lot of children go there (that would be nice for her). I think there is no more than 12 children in any of the classrooms.(the pre-k only has 5 students). They also have a low student-teacher ratio.
I hope I have been helpful, and wish you the best of luck.

PS - My oldest did the finger sucking thing from about 9 months until 2.5, and my youngest started about 18 months and is still doing it. She'll grow out of it.

Hi T.,

I agree with Mimi H... let it ride as best you can, and don't press. I was incredibly shy by age 5 and focusing on it made it much, much worse. And yes, I am not at all shy today! ;) I think if no one makes it a big deal, it usually isn't.

Hi T.!
I think the best thing for you to do if you want her involved in social activities is to start out small. Since she has displayed a lot of shyness, it would probably be easier for her to get involved with a group of say 5 or 10 kids as opposed to 30. Once you start, its important to stick with it, or else she will learn that all she has to do is complain and you will let her quit. That won't be good in future situations as she grows up. You want her to develop a good, strong sense of self, and the motivation to give something her all.
With the pre-k situation, I don't think you should keep her out. Definitely work to find one that you trust and have confidence in, but I think pre-k is one of the best ways for kids to develop self-confidence, and the ability to do things without mom. You can be sure that she will probably throw awful fits about it in the beginning, maybe even for a couple months. But the important thing is to continue letting her know that it will work out and she will grow to like it eventually. If you give in to her crying about it, and you get upset, she will see that as you believing its not good for her. Be strong! =) I went through a similar situation when my son was 2. He would cry everyday when I brought him to daycare. This lasted several weeks, but soon he came to the point where he would leap out of my arms and run to his class, ready to play. And you know the daycare teachers say the kids usually cry while you're there and as soon as you leave, they calm down. Just find a preschool that you trust, maybe look for a small dance group or playgroup, and believe in yourself and your daughter. She'll get the hang of it soon enough. Its best to get her used to it now, because it will be harder and harder the older she gets. Good luck!

I think I was a lot like this when I was young. My parents said I used to panic at birthday/holiday parties and not want to particpate in any of the games. I just didn't like being around more than a few familiar faces. I think they just kept trying different things without any pressure, and eventually I found some things I really enjoyed. Strangely enough, I took ballet when I was 4 or 5, and I LOVED being on stage. So we stuck with that.

good luck.