Daughter VERY Unhappy at School

Updated on February 16, 2011
S.C. asks from Cleveland, TX
6 answers

Help! My second grade daughter is VERY unhappy at school! First, some background. This is only our second year at this school, as we just moved a year and a half ago. My daughter made good friends last year and was VERY happy! I was warned at the beginning of the year about the teacher she had gotten for second grade. She's old school, yells a lot, etc. Also, none of her friends were in this class. I knew this was going to be a hard year as my daughter is very sensitive. To add to things, she doesn't play with any of her friends from last year. She has some new friends, but they are not what I would call good friends. May of them are bossy and down right mean!

I know my daughter in many ways needs to "toughen up". Girls making faces at her and the like are things that are going to happen. She's going to have to find a good way of dealing with these things. But here's my question: How do I TEACH her to handle these things instead of crying and being unhappy all the time? It truly breaks my heart! I want her to grow up to be a strong woman, but I'm at a loss as to how to teach this to someone who is so sensitive. She just cries all the time and shuts down. Looking for some good advice!

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

When my Daughter was in 1st Grade, she didn't have any of her friends in that class. AND in that class, were a bunch of overbearing trouble makers. Sassy and mean kids.

My Daughter, did fine.
She had a good time.
She said it was fine.
At recess she would play with her friends, from the other classes.
She knew, it was only temporary. And said she'd probably have a better class next year.
She would stand up for herself. She was fine, playing on her own.
She was self-reliant.

I would tell my Daughter, that SHE was fine. That each year, things/classes/Teachers/classmates are a different mix. She knows that. So I think that is why... she doesn't take it in a hard way. She adjusts.

My Daughter is a very feeling individual too. But she also rolls with the punches. Not being 'timid' about it, although she can be shy. But she will speak up with difficulties or with other kids.

It is 'skills' that is also taught to a child. Since she was a toddler, I just sort of taught her things... about people, differences, being her 'own' person etc. To value 'herself'.

My girl, will not engage with 'mean' kids. And/or she stands up to them, or will report any trouble to the Teacher. She knows, the 'process' of what can be done, what to say etc. I role-played with her since she was young. So she feels by now, a 'competence' about things.

The school year will end soon.

Or, make a meeting with the Teacher. Speak to her.
See how your daughter is in class....

Teachers, good ones, know the personalities of each child, and what will work or not, per the child and their disposition. And they adjust accordingly. That is how my Daughter's 1st Grade Teacher was, although she was an 'old school' veteran.
ALSO, my Daughter's Teachers, WILL speak to the ENTIRE class, about behavior. NOT tolerating "meanness." My Daughter's Teachers have always done this. No matter what grade she was in. Or, I have also told the Teacher... if certain kids were MEAN to my daughter or if she was Bullied. (She was bullied in 1st Grade). The Teachers, DO NOT Tolerate that. And will, deal with the child(ren).

The thing is, you teach your Girl, how to manage. How to speak up. How to tell the Teacher if she is getting picked on and bullied. AND as the parent of a young child, you also talk to the Teacher. By doing this, in my daughter's case... she LEARNED how issues are solved. And that, a person can be an advocate and how to do it. I try to be an example, for my daughter in people problems.

As her Teacher told me, UNLESS a parent makes a complaint about mistreatment upon their child by bullies/other MEAN kids... they cannot really do anything. My Daughter's Teacher, commended me for saying something... she then took care of it swiftly. She KNEW, which kids were mean and bullies. They were chronic, that way. She spoke to the children's parents as well. Because, as she put it... it has to be stopped. Nipped in the bud. Or they will grow up to be MEAN middle school kids.

The thing is, EACH school year, kids are in different classes/home-rooms with different kids. They will not always have their friends in class with them. And each year is a different Teacher.

If this Teacher of your Daughter, is really noxious though and inappropriately "mean" to the kids, you need to take note of that. And perhaps speak to her. Who knows, if anything can be done.

One year, my daughter had a regular Sub-Teacher who was real old school and yelled a lot at the kids and was really, mean. (I witnessed it myself). I told my Daughter's Teacher. MANY kids/parents were complaining about her. Some kids even getting physically stressed by this Sub-Teacher. And not wanting to come to school. They even cried.
So after I told my Daughter's Teacher... she dealt with it. And it improved. MANY parents came forward and thanked me. They were too scared, to go up against this Teacher.
Teachers..... SHOULD NOT BE BULLIES TO THEIR KIDS.

all the best,
Susan

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K.S.

answers from Miami on

I feel for your child. Its a hard age to find where you fit the best. Its hard to make new friends. I know it breaks your heart. I've been there and still am sometimes. The best you can do is tell your child every day that you love her and that she is fine just the way she is. To tell the teacher each and every time somethinghappens. To tell you so you can document it with emails to the teacher. Get her in outside activities that she can make other friends. This helped me greatly. As a good example when my daughter was having problems with a girl at school when she spoke to the guidance counseler she could mention yes she has this friend or that friend outside of school. Helps her deal with the mean kids at school. And there are many of those. Also if you can find an activity she is good at you can foster so she feels good about herself.

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E.C.

answers from New York on

If you plant a tree by simply putting it in the ground, it will not flourish.

Make an appt now with the principal and make it abundantly clear that your daughter needs a teacher like the 1st grade teacher she had or you will move her to another school. It's all about funding and they can assign your daughter to whichever teacher they want. Most parents don't put in requests, so she should get the teacher which is best for her. You know your daughter and are her primary advocate.

Also, write a note and have your daughter give it to her friends from last year. Include your tel.no. and ask for the parents' tel.no. if you don't have it. Make play dates on the weekends for her with her friends from last year.

Also, remember family is more important for strength of character than friends. Have time with gparents, aunts, adults whom you admire, families from church or other places where people are who you respect and want your daughter around.

You are doing great.

1 mom found this helpful
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G.S.

answers from New York on

You've got to make it an issue with the teacher. If she pays no attention then you must go directly to the principal and have it taken care of.He/She needs to contact the parents of the students and bring them up for a meeting. If this continues then you must make an official complaint at the school district. File harassment charges, and tell them how you might even go public. That should definitely shake them up a bit.
Please don't yell at your daughter telling her she has to toughen up etc. It's not right. She is who she is, and she will resent you if you make her change the person she really is. She is strong in her own way. Best of luck

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M.B.

answers from Rochester on

Mama. your daughter does NOT need to toughen up. Your daughter is a unique creation and her expression is her own!

You are your child's first teacher - rahima baldwin dancy - recommended even if you don't homeschool your child.

Attachment parenting international is one place to go.

consider home schooling another.

waldorf education (for you and her) would be a wonderful way to teach HER what she needs! Even if you do it in addition to public school. many do this also.

Sensitive is any child under 7! Your child is herself and she has her own way of seeing and understanding! Don't force her to become someone else.

if it is breaking YOUR heart, imagine what it is doing to HERS!

in toughening her up, you may close her down, maybe even hurt her in ways you will never be able to calculate.

she needs YOU to teach her. it is heartbreaking to hear more and more about school systems and how children are becoming peer-socialized instead of family socialized. So heart-rending we are planning to home school our sons.

What I have learned in my 3.5 years as a Mom has amazed, astounded and frankly FRIGHTENED me so much!

good luck and I pray for her and so many others like her,
M.

S.D.

answers from Phoenix on

I totally feel your sadness and concern. We have had our tough years. My advice is to get her in an outside activity and make a very special point to invite the old friends over for playdates after school and weekends and get them connnected again. That is very important tool that I see in this situation.

Lots of prayer and encouragement, lots of love just as your doing. If there is opportunity for you to come and have lunch with her, do that. I think she needs to end this year bright and full and strong. Together you two can accomplish that with a few tasks in mind. Good luck.

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