September 09, 2011,
J.P. asks from Tucson, AZ on September 08, 2011
Daughter's Friend Is Stealing from Her
Hi. My daughter just started middle school this year. She has a pretty solid group of friends, and has also been making a ton of new friends in the middle school. Over the summer, my daughter was unable to find some of her belongs. Little things like, tinted moisturizer, bras, eyeshadow, etc. She doesn't wear a lot of make up, but the tinted moisturizer I bought for her was not cheap. I figured I would get her something that would block the sun and moisturize and tint her skin instead of buying her powder or foundation like other kids are doing her age. Anyway, we couldn't find it and I just told her she probably misplaced it and left it at that. Well, she was at her friend's house this weekend, and she saw it in her friend's room. She asked her friend where she got it, and her friend just said it was hers and that was it. Along side this, this particular friend will never give my daughter back things that she's left over at the house - like clothing, hair accessories, etc. She will tell her that she "lost"it, or that maybe one of her 2 sisters took it. I really like this family, but this is a set of parents that are "believer"parents. They tell a story as if they were right there in the lunch room cafeteria, and basically believes everything their kids tell them. This particular child is a middle child, and she looks up to her older sister in high school like she is a god, and doesn't get along with the younger sister at all. I know there is always weird stuff with the middle child - I've seen it with friends I grew up with. I have not confronted the mother about it yet, but just in the past couple of days my daughter has come home upset bc this "best friend"of hers has been saying really rude things to her. My daughter is NOT a fighter. She will either completely ignore the person bc she doesn't know how to be mean, or she just says, "Thanks for that mean comment, I thought we were friends". This child is actually telling the mom that my daughter is doing the things that she is actually doing to my daughter. Now there is the stealing and I'm on leary to let this parent know bc I know that it won't be resolved and could potentially make things worse since these girls all have the same circle of friends. I know there is some jealousy going on bc my daughter is one of those kids that all the boys and girls like, but that comes with a price. It's just so hard to sit back and watch. I listen to her when she tells me and I don't tell her what to do bc she doesn't want that from me - but it's just difficult to stay neutral without telling my daughter how I really feel. Any advice from other moms would be appreciated! Also - my daughter is an only child and doesn't get all the sibling rivarly bickering. Thanks!
So What Happened?™
Thank you for your replies! I am right along the same page. Immediately I knew the friendship needed to end. I think my daughter has already started to do this, and she hasn't said it outloud, she just removes herself from situations (i.e. sitting at a different table during lunch) but this infuriates her friend. This is when she makes the rude comments. **I know there are some moms who are questioning if she really stole it, but we're almost sure it was since I ordered it online ( it is a very small line of cosmetics that is NOT sold in stores). The girl will never admit it and my daughter knows that - that's why she dropped it. And she doesn't want me to interfere as she thinks it will make things worse, so I am. I have not ever known something like this to go over well with the other parent - nobody likes to hear their child is doing hurtful things**
M.L. answers from Houston on September 08, 2011
It's time for your daughter to move on. Don't go over there and don't have her over. Problem solved. Not only is she stealing and lying, but now she's making rude remarks. Bye bye, little girl. They may still be acquaintances at school when with the circle of friends. but nothing more.
10 moms found this helpful
K.P. answers from New York on September 08, 2011
Time to end this friendship. No more sleepovers at either homes. Do what you can to foster and nurture her new friendships.
7 moms found this helpful
T.N. answers from Albany on September 08, 2011
Friendships in childhood come and go. Guess its time for this one to go.
5 moms found this helpful
S.B. answers from Redding on September 08, 2011
My friend has a daughter who went through this.
The girl lived across the street from them and it was really none of my business, but I'd known my friend for many years before this family moved in.
I flat told my friend that I didn't like that girl. I felt bad for saying it, but she wasn't even subtle about being shifty.
The girls were in middle school and that girl got my friend's daughter in so much trouble. Now, granted, my friend's daughter should have been smart enough not to go along with her, but only one of the girls ever got punished.
My friend thought that being grounded and in trouble all the time would be enough for her to learn her lesson.
My friend's husband got a job transfer and they moved. About a year had gone by and the girl started calling my friend's daughter. Against their better judgement, they agreed for the girl to come and stay with them in the summer just before it was time for school to start.
The parents came to pick the girl up and take her home. Told her to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything. She assured them she hadn't.
That night, it was discovered that all the new school clothes that had been hanging in the closet were gone. The tags had never been taken off. And, a whole bunch of music CD's were also gone.
My friend didn't want to jump to conclusions. She thought maybe it was a mistake of some kind. She had her daughter call the girl to ask if maybe she had accidentally gotten some of her clothes and CD's mixed up. The girl said no.
Well, no one else had been staying at their house so my friend called the parents to ask.
The mother told my friend that yes...her daughter came home with new clothes with the tags still on because her daughter had bought them with her own money. As far as the CD's, they were ones she said that my friend's daughter had "stolen" a year before and she had every right to bring them home.
When it all boiled down to it, the mother was as much a liar as her daughter was a thief.
That was the last communication.
Oh....I take that back. The girl called wanting to come visit the second half of Christmas vacation. Like inviting the Grinch in to steal Christmas? No way.
Now...I raised a daughter and I had a strict rule about sharing things. Not that sharing is bad, but this pair of pants are lent out and never seen again or this pair of shoes.
When it came to my daughter, I taught her to neither a lender nor a borrower be.
If a girl spent the night and wanted to wear some of my daughter's pajamas, fine, but they better be in the hamper in the morning.
Kids can't keep track of their own stuff in their own house let alone remember who borrowed this or that.
The other thing is to make your daughter work to earn some of her own stuff. When SHE has to pay for it, she will stop appreciating "friends" who help themselves.
The sad thing about the scenario I mentioned with my friend's daughter's school clothes, the elderly grandmother had taken the girl shopping and bought her those things for payment for all the chores and work she'd done helping her over the summer.
She had earned those clothes, her grandmother bought them for her, and they walked right out of the house without ever being worn.
I hate to say it, but some kids see other kids having things and they figure it can easily be replaced if they take it.
That's not how I raised my kids to be. And you better believe if they came home with something that didn't belong to them, I didn't just believe someone gave it to them.
Anyway, I'm probably rambling.
Long day, sorry.
Your daughter needs to be protective of her things and if she knows someone who might take something, she needs to make sure there is no opportunity for it.
None of us need friends that bad.
Just my opinion.
2 moms found this helpful
C.M. answers from Chicago on September 08, 2011
Sounds like an expensive lesson! If they have the same circle of friends then just icing the girl out of her life is the best solution. Chances are she isn't just stealing from YOUR daughter and sooner or later something else is going to come out!
2 moms found this helpful
R.B. answers from La Crosse on September 08, 2011
Personally... I would send my daughter over there and have her get all of her stuff that she see's, put it in her bag and come home. From that point on the friend is not allowed over to your house. If your daughter is to go to her house, before walking out the door remind her if you forget something you know your not going to get it back. I get tired of seeing kids being able to do this and not have to pay a price because of stepping on others toes. If my child would do something like this then I would want to know asap! As for the comments, she needs to decide what she wants to do. Keep up this friendship and be treated like this or walk away, only she can decide. Good luck!
2 moms found this helpful
S.B. answers from Dallas on September 08, 2011
Although you suspect her stealing, you have no proof. It's not like you can prove the makeup was yours and this mother will probably not believe you even if you could prove it. You stepping in and making accusations will not help.
I was a middle school teacher. Middle school is a rough transition, especially in the friendship department. Seemingly overnight, these kids transform into something or someone completely different. This is her fight mama. Her decisions to be made. As hard as it is to watch and see your child hurt, I don't think you should interfere. It will only make things worse. (If your daughter's safety is threatened, all bets are off. Interfere away.)
2 moms found this helpful
K.F. answers from Salinas on September 08, 2011
Welcome to Middle School with a girl! I do not know a single female of any age (including myself) that was able to escape the middle school years without their dose of drama.
If I were you I'd talk openly to your daughter about the situation but otherwise stay out of it unless SHE wants your help. She's getting to the age where she needs to start figuring these things out for herself and if you jump in it will likely make things worse. I mean what are you going to do call the parents (who you just said will beleive their daughter no matter what) and say their daughter is stealing things from your home? Trust me it will not go over well.
Help your daughter to figure out on her own that being close to someone who steals and lies is not a good idea. Help her to gravitate towards the more positive social relationships and away from the negative ones. She will need that skill in the years ahead. Some kids steal and lie at this age, it isn't right but it is not like an adult doing the same thing. You daughter has to decide who she wants associate with. One of the most important things I've learned is young girls are not like adults. They are still so immature, they say and do things that we would find crazy and then get over it in a minute. This is a learning opportunity for your girl, listen to her, support her and have confidence that she'll make the right choice.
1 mom found this helpful
A.V. answers from Washington DC on September 08, 2011
We had an issue with one of SS's friends and it culminated in a mutual friend asking SS if the pokemon card this other kid was selling was a good deal. Guess whose deck the other kid was selling? Yeah. DH went with SS to confront the boy and talk to his mom and in the end the kid or his mom bought back the cards that SS had had stolen. Similarly, while SS wanted to try to be friends, we said nothing of value taken there, and the boy could not be here. The friendship did not last long and as a teenager the boy was incarcerated.
If your child is losing items and not willing to let you talk to the other mom or confront her "friend" then maybe it's time to put limits on their friendship. Like she can't go there with any items she would miss, or she can't loan anything to anyone. I would not be neutral. If it's your hard earned money she is losing then you need to be frank. When my SS also had video games stolen from him, it also came out that he'd left them unsecured in the locker room and let boys sift through his bag. DH and I refused to buy replacements. SS had to buy his own and thought twice about taking his games to school thereafter.
If the other girl is bullying your child now at school over this, then your child should consider talking to the teachers. Otherwise, she can walk away.
1 mom found this helpful
J.W. answers from St. Louis on September 08, 2011
Not excusing the girls behavior but there are two things. One is finding the moisturizer at her house isn't actually proof she took it, she could have thought it was great and had her mom buy her some.
Which brings me to two, does she have a mom that buys her what she needs. I know when I was that age there were girls who's moms wouldn't buy them bras until high school even though they clearly needed it. makeup falls into this too. I doesn't excuse stealing but it would explain the strange items that are going missing.
1 mom found this helpful
K.R. answers from Phoenix on September 09, 2011
In my very humble opinion, you are too involved here. Your daughter will learn how to choose her friends, and will gravitate toward those that are kind and don't steal from her or lie to her or about her. I would keep an open dialogue if she wants to talk with you about it, but as far as you getting involved in talking to parents, etc., I think it would be a mistake. It would just make things more difficult for your child.
Good luck, Mom.