Daughter's Dad Not Living up to Promises

I know nothing about the military but I would get a lawyer & take him to court it is his legal obligation to help support your daughter. There are many things the courts can do to make him pay. I don't think your daughter should suffer for him being a jerk & not automatically stepping up & doing the right thing. I know if I were in your shoes I would go after him for every penny that my daughter would be entitled to, not that I would ever have to worry about that because my husband makes sacrifices now so our daughter can have whatever she wants/needs. Good luck & I hope everything works out.

Contact his command. He will not get into trouble, but he will get the help he needs.

S.:

Hello and good morning! I am sorry to hear you are going through this.

Okay - if your daughter's father is AD military -

1. His pay can't change until he makes rank or goes over another year in service.
2. If he is having financial trouble (depending upon where you live AND his rank (I will assume he's enlisted and not an officer) he should be able to live on-base
a. If it's really bad - his 1st Shirt should already know about it.
b. If he is NOT paying his child support, his 1st Shirt should know about it.

Think long and hard before you go to his 1st Shirt. You could harm his career and therefore his ability to make money - if he was dishonorably discharged from the military that won't bode well for future employers.

3. If he's making allotment payments - I am assuming you mean auto-pay on credit cards and such.

While I understand your desire to have your daughter go to a private pre-school, you might need to re-think your decision and see something that you can afford. Private Pre-School is considered a luxury and not a necessity. If he is not providing support (child support, food, health benefits, etc.) his 1st Shirt should know about it. If he can't afford a private pre-school - that's not what you need to go to them about.

If you know the two of you have money problems - why are you trying to make it worse by putting your child in private pre-school?

There are many wonderful counselors (even on-base) and financial advisors (on-base as well) that can help the two of you through your hard times. I would recommend that the two of you TOGETHER and separately go to a financial counselor to see how you can fix the problems that you are having financially.

Separating because of money issues is a big deal. Financial responsibilty is a very important issue. How you deal with it is somethign else.

Think of your own financial responsibilities and how you handle them.

My first marriage to an AF Enlisted man was filled with money issues. But it really wasn't until I took a step back to accept my responsibility in the financial fiasco, did things change. My expectations as well as my own spending habits (our daughter had ballet, private pre-school, etc.) I had my nails done every two weeks, pedicures every two weeks, etc. things that I didn't feel I could live without. What a wake-up call! I couldn't believe how much money I had when I scaled back my own spending. Money wasn't ended up making us divorce. However, in our earlier years, it played a HUGE role in it.

Marriage is something that one shouldn't enter into lightly nor leave lightly. It's a full-time job where the rewards and payment don't come for years down the road.

Take a step back, pray about where God wants you to be on this path that you are on and how you should handle things.

Make a list of your expenditures and see how you can change your spending habits to help with the situation. Maybe if he sees you trying - he will try too.

Find a financial counselor (not an agency that will pay your bills for you or reduce your debt - but one that will show you how to make the most of the money you have (coupons, investments, savings, 401K, etc.) I can guarantee you that it will NOT be easy. It will hurt. But setting long-term goals and getting there aren't always mutually exclusive.

God puts speed-bumps in our path when He believes we are going down the wrong path. It's a matter of how we deal with them that will either make or break us.

Marriage counseling might work for the two of you as well. Communication is key. If you work on the problems together - you will be showing your daughter that hard work does pay off and a marriage and being a parent IS hard work.

If you need someone to talk to - I'm here. You are not alone.

God Bless.

C.

I would suggest going to a lawyek and getting things legal if you have not. You can have a speration agreement prior to the divorce, so that you have recourse if he does not follow through. And if money was the issue before the split, chances are that is NOT going to change. He is not all of a sudden going to say to himself " hey if I stop spending my money here or there, I could help support my daughter better". There are guys who would do anything to meet their child support agreements, but if he is making excuses now, he IS NOT ONE OF THEM. Don't keep fooling yourself that that will change, and hte longer you let it go, the more behind you will both get. Believe me, been there! The only way I got my ex to take notice that I was serious was to hit hit with court papers.
If you have a legal agreement, tell him straight out that if he does not straighten up, you will go to his command. Then if he gets in trouble, it is all on him, not you.
Best of luck,
K.

If his money habits were so bad that you left him, I'm not sure why you would expect them to be any better now that you're apart. He has a legal obligation to support his children. Period. I am a family law attorney in practice for twelve years. You didn't say where you are located, but I am licensed in Virginia and we handle cases throughout the state. I may even be able to tell you in an initial consultation how to get started on your own to keep your legal fees down. There is also a child support enforcement office in every state that will assist you for free. Let me know if you would like to talk further. We are located in Tysons Corner and provide telephone consultations as well.

If he's in the service and he's having money problems like this, you would be doing him a favor by contacting his command. This is one thing that the service will help him with w/out a doubt. Don't look at it as getting him in trouble, look at it as getting him help. They'll help him fix things now and make sure he does better in the future ... and he'll learn to manage his money and take care of responsibilities first! I would contact his command ASAP - before his irresponsibility affects your daughter.

I would go ahead and contact someone. Your daughter is both of your responsibility and if you all agreed to the childcare aspect, then it needs to be taken care of. You may have to go to court, they may have to garnish wages. He can be forced to make his payments. I hate to think that it has to come to that, but your daughter is your priority and so is her care/education. You should not be forced to pull her from somewhere that she is comfortable being and that you feel safe having her at. Good Luck.

If he is in the military, then you and your daughter will/can become an allotment. The military does not play when it comes to taking care of family, especially children.

You do what you need to do for you and your child. You can't forsake any of your responsibilities and shouldn't be allowed to.

God Bless

if your daughter's needs are not being met, absolutely contact his superior. i don't think a private pre-school falls into that category, though.
have you considered homeschooling if you don't like the public schools?
khairete
S.

I would contact his command if he is not living up to his parental and marital obligations. Since you are still married, he is obligated to support you as parts of his pay are determined by his marital status. They can do many things to him including having him live in barracks/on the ship and take financial management classes until he gets himself under control. These sort of things also effect security clearances, so this is definitely something his command would be interested in nipping in the bud before he becomes a security risk due to over spending.

you might just have to find a public preschool. Or a preschool that has scholarships. Where do you live?

Hi S.,

If you are not being paid support, contact his command asap. He is getting paid a "with dependent" rate, which includes food allowances and housing allowances. Do NOT be concerned about getting his 1st Shirt involved with regards to ruining his career. I used to be a Shirt (I'm retired 3 years now) and our job is to guide people to success, assisting them where their challenges are. (lol THAT was worded in a very politically correct way!!) Yes, some don't view their jobs that way but if your husband is getting paid benefits for having dependents (you say "husband", not "ex" so you're a dependent, too) and not paying you at least that amount, he is fraudulently accepting this money and not taking care of his responsibilities. Yes, he can be reprimanded for it but he's committing a crime by military standards.

Since you refer to calling his "command", I assume you aren't AF, possibly Navy. I don't know what the naval equivilant of a First Sergeant (1st Shirt) is, but you certainly can notify someone in his chain of command. Definitely go higher than his immediate supervisor for your first contact.

If he is paying at least the dependent rate amount to you, and you don't have a court order that he will pay a specific amount, there really isn't anything else you can do for his past actions. To change his future contributions, you've got to seek legal assistance.

If he is paying, you will then have to adjust what you do with the amount of money YOU have and prioritize, just like S. advised.

Money is so powerful . . . but you can be more powerful if you manage it rather than vice versa. Don't let your husband rule you by getting worried about what you can't control. Do what you can for your daughter and if he's helping, fine. If not, HE loses.

Financial guru Suze Orman was just on Oprah and has offered her newest book as a free download at oprah.com. You can also find advise from Suze on Oprah's site, too. The free download expires Jan. 15th.

Good luck!
D.

Just a quick note. It you are seperated and not divorced then you should still have your id card. I wouldnt contact the command directly. They may initially help you but they dont stay on for the long haul and it is a lot of harrassing them sometimes to help you. You are better off going on base and going to the legal office. It is free and they will defintely help you! They will do everything officially to help you start an allotment for childsupport. He should also be paying you a large part of his BAH until yall divorce. He cannot just leave you with whatever he chooses. They will let you know all your options for the financial aspect of a seperation. Also, it will not get him in trouble with his job. If you call the command you may also run into the problem of them trying to protect his interests also. So go to legal. they are all for you!!! good luck!

You MUST contact an attorney and get child support issues set up IMMEDIATELY!!! Do not wait, do not give him extra time to work it out, and do not make an agreement with him without legal counsel. He has LEGAL responsibilities that the state will enforce, and child support is to be paid before any other financial obligations. That's why MD now garnishes salary for everyone, because it must come first.

Again, this is very important, get an attorney. Don't make excuses for him, this is his responsibility and neither of you have a say in how much he must contribute to his child's support.

Please listen to the folks below. Get an experienced lawyer (yes, it'll cost, but please do it), get to court and make every arrangement legal, written and formal. One term to use with the lawyer is garnishment -- you likely will have to ask that the court have his employer garnish his wages. That way his command will have to take out what he owes to you and his daughter before he gets the rest of his pay. Why are you worried about getting him into trouble at work? Employers deal with this all the time. He owes your child this support. She's his child too.

Don't wait for him to, as you put it "see that he's spending too much money on frivolous things" and straighten himself out. He won't. I've seen this situation (casual verbal agreements never kept) several times among friends and without a tough legal whack none of those dads would have "come around" on their own. Good luck and remember, it's worth the money you may have to spend on a lawyer to get your ex's obligations set up once and for all.

S.,
I work with male and female servicemebers everyday who are having domestic violence issues, marital conflict, etc.....Money issues are a big one. I can tell you if it is not court ordered for him to pay for his daughters preschool there is nothing the command can do. His LPO ( depending on his rank) my speak with him but they can't make him pay for the school, unless it is court ordered. I am assuming the child support is taken directly from his check and put into your account? Ai all the Fleet and Family Support Centers ( Navy) all the other services have the same program with a different name, they have a financial counselor that will set up a financial plan and help with getting his finances in order. Commamds support these programs and would rather see their servicemembers take action before it gets worse. There is also free counseling. Military one source is an excellent resource and I highly recommend it. Your daughter should be entitled to military benefits therefor you should have access to these services for her benefit. go to www.militaryonesource.com - there is alot of good info. and you can contact someone 24/7 for legal advice, childcare questions, etc....you can even get free counseling by a civilian provider through them.

hope this helps.

You need to seek the assistance of a lawyer, or at a minimum see if your local court has a self-help program. If the two of you do not want to divorce, you can file for separation and get a court order dealing with who pays for what. The court has the ability to order him to pay for various things and then there are ways the court or local child support agency can help you get the funds.