20 answers

Daughter That Punishes Mom

I have a daughter that I have to be very careful what I say around her or she gets mad and right away takes the grandkids away. I am not allowed to call, write, e-mails (will not be opened). I have a granddaughter in St. Cloud Childrens home as she is Autistic and needs help, my daughter wanted me to tell her face to face that she could never live with (as she does not to live with her mother and Step dad) and I refused as I could never do that to her. Daughter immediately took all visiting, writing, calling privilages and then she took the other two grandkids away to. This has happened four or five times They are instructed not to talk to me on the phone "and they will not defy her wishes". This last time she told her brother that I was dead to her. Previous bought with her lasted 6 months and then she called me and said "I forgive you". HUH? This is very hurtful and it seems she has a need to punish me. I am very careful what I say, I rarely give an opinion and never do anything without asking her first. I give her her space and don't interfer, I never raised my voice to my mother, their father and I divorced after 20 yrs, and he never paid any attention to any of the four kids. Being almost 70, I can't take this anymore, I feel I should just walk away and wait for the grandkids to be of age to make their own decision.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

All of your answers have been great. To explain why my granddaughter does not want live with MOM is that she does not like her mom, I believe if they could work it out that would be great. She feels comfortable with me and always tells her mom she wants to live with me, I don't encourage it because a child should be her parent. Her step dad and her do not get along. They wanted me to go to the home, tell her to her face that I never want her to live with me, but that would crush her and I was the only one visiting her, but can't anymore. I suggested talking to her alone but daughter wanted it her way, I just could not do it. So sad. I don't expect communication with daughter for a very long time.

Featured Answers

I suggest reading the book "Boundaries". It helped me tremendously when dealing with people that don't have any.

1 mom found this helpful

I don't want to be harsh or anything, but where do you think she learned these behaviors? Did you model something similar to this for her as she was growing up? Is there something festering between the two of you that you need to go to counseling for? My first impression is that this is something she learned somewhere along the way. Maybe it wasn't from you. I have no idea, but it's worth looking into and trying to straighten out if you can.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

I am also confused by your post.

The only thing I can say is you cannot make other people happy. They have to find their own happiness.

You can love a person totally, but that does not mean you have to do everything they ask (or demand).

Do what you can do to help, but make sure you want to do it.

I have a family member that always thinks the worst of me.. I have told her, "I love you, I only want you to be happy, I am not trying to hurt you in any way. If I have somehow offended you or hurt you I apologize." And yet she continues to read bad things into everything I do or say that pertains to her or her kids..

Even though it has broken my heart, I am giving her what she wants, space. I no longer call, email or have contact with her.

This person has always been "high maintenance". She always blames others, blames the past... I say she has a choice. She can stay mad, or she can move on. It is her choice..

2 moms found this helpful

I think some of you are being terribly unfair. It seems that there are a LOT of very angry woman towards their mothers on Mamapedia. Every day someone complains about their mother or mother-in-law on here. Most people just take whatever is said as gospel without even considering the other side. But the one time a mom comes in here to talk about how she feels she's being treated like she has to be in the wrong and she's automatically told that it has to be her fault.

The truth usually does lie someplace in the middle and I've said on here many times that the daughters complaining about their mothers are not being very loving and that we are only hearing one side.

I am also a bit confused by this post. It sounds to me like the daughter is asking the mother to tell the autistic grandaughter that she would never be able to live with the grandmother. But I'm not sure I got that right and if so, why it would be so.

2 moms found this helpful

I am also so sad to hear this for you. I second the suggestion of reading the book Boundaries. Definitely a good resource. And for anyone suggesting whose "fault" this is - that is asinine and unimportant at this point. The point is leaning how to deal with this, heal it, and move forward. I think the book will help you be able to do that. However I will agree with those who say you cannot control others' actions. I have seen my own mother go through similar issues with my older sister. My sister seems to feel my mother is in the wrong and my mother has no idea what she is doing to get my sister so angry. As usual, the truth his somewhere in the middle. They both need to give some. If your daughter is not in a space where she can do that at least you can learn to set your own boundaries and be content with knowing you did all you could. Best of luck to you and your daughter!

2 moms found this helpful

I'm so sorry. Has she always been so manipulative and hurtful to you? What was her childhood like? Where did she learn this behavior? How did you treat your mom? I'm not saying it is your fault, I'm just trying to figure out how to help. It's so hard getting just a couple of sentences and trying to figure out what is going on. I guess all you can do is play nice. Count the costs of not doing what she wants. When she "forgives" you, does she want something from you at that time? She has serious problems! She should be more grateful for you.

2 moms found this helpful

Well, I have a different view point on this may be.I am also having a bunch of problems with my mom in law that does say a lot of stuff without thinking(At least I hope she is not thinking or it is even worse if she purposely say the stuff she say). I am however not redrawing the grandkids from her .She can come to our house see them and preferably stay in a hotel or camper whenever she wants.I am just not going to go out of my way to go see her.
1) Because it is hard with 3 kids under 7 and one on the way.
2) She still does not know i pregnant .My husband wants to wait until the birth to tell her.I personaly feels this is wrong.But it just that neither of us wants ALL the bad comments she had made with our other children while i am pregnant with them(ie my children are mistake ,errors ,or accidents only because they were unplanned ).This is SO HURTFUL to hear ,even if the child was indeed unplanned and arrived at a bad moment financially and or morally.No children will ever be a mistake to me.They are ALL blessing and surprises.
Like right now we are pregnant with number four and last and we do not want to hear how we do not have money to raise this child(which probably true but who cares ??? )it is there and it is too late and he or she will be love like all the others.
Plus if you want to spend time with my children then they are not mistakes right?
So, i don't know what you said to Your daughter .
But if it was bad enough like mom in law to me.(wether you were right or not those not matter but the fact that the things said might be so hurtful does.My mom in law is often right,it does still hurt and i think she should shut up).
So, for me ,You could say that i am punishing my mom in law by not going out of my way to go to her place with the kids during the summer vacation for instance.But i am not punishing her ,i am just trying to protect myself and my family and avoid all the hurt.
So, i don't know if it is the same for your daughter but may be she is not trying to punish you but just trying to protect herself and her family.
Just a different point of view.
And also try to be the first one to apologize.I am always more willing when i see that my mom is law is trying to make this relationship work out,even if she often fails ,at least she is trying and that 's count for me.

2 moms found this helpful

Your daughter is trying to manipulate you and she's using the grandchildren as collateral. What a SHAME to use children as pawns. Sounds to me like your daughter NEEDS to GROW UP!!!

2 moms found this helpful

Read the book Boundaries for your adult children. You will get everything answered there and then make a promise to stick to it even though its going to hurt for awhile, your daughter will see you arent carrying any of her guilt anymore.

1 mom found this helpful

Get busy with your own activities and friends. Let your daughter come to you.

1 mom found this helpful

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