Daughter Seems to "Like" Me More than Daddy.

Hi,

I'm glad I'm not the only one!! My son is 1 1/2 and he prefers me over my husband as well! It started at about 1. It's gotten a little better, like he'll give him kisses and hugs but goes right back to me. My husband too was getting frustrated, and he's actually said that our son doesn't like him, but I trully think it's a phase! I've just kind of forced them spending time together, ALONE. My husband picks our son from day care a few times a week. I clean my house or just do something by myself so that they can get they're "bonding" time. My husband wasn't always the most helpful guy when I had my son...so it was just easier for me to do everything for him. NOW, I think we both regret he didn't play a "stronger" father. Anyway, stick in there, and maybe have your husband so what I made mine do?! Sorry not much advice...but I know what you're going through!!

My name is D. and I too am 23 years old. My husband Luis and I have been married for 6 years. Our son Cole was born DEC 2006.

My husband felt like a piece of furniture for a long time too. My daughter is 4.5 and still prefers me, which sometimes annoys me a lot too.
I have started saying "no" when she wanted to sit on my lap and told her to go and sit with dad. Basically with everything she wants from me, I directed her to ask him. It is getting "better", or different.

I do have to agree with another poster, if he does not engage with her, and does "his" things, there isn't much excitement for your daughter to be with him. He needs to realize that he has to work on their relationship, and it is not the other way around.

kids go thru this phase a lot.. have him spend some quality time with her.. do something fun, play in a pool or go to a park.. she'll come around..

Hi A.,

I'd encourage your daughter and her daddy to have fun one-on-one time together. This will help them continue to cultivate their own unique relationship which will change and mature as time passes. I would also try my hardest to accept and not be critical of the different ways he handles situations. I know this is so hard when our ways usually seems best! However, it took us moms a while without anyone telling us what to do to figure it all out. Daddys can figure out a lot of stuff on their own too, it just takes some time. Daddys and their different ways of interacting have great value for the children in the long run.

Good luck!
S.

I think the important thing to remember here is that your husband is going to love his daughter in his own way. His relationship with her won't be exactly like yours, and that's ok. He will need to figure out for himself what he is comfortable with as far as connecting with her, and your suggestions may not work for him because he's not you. If he's not the 'hugs and kisses' kind of dad, then she's not going to do that with him (whereas you are obviously the 'hugs and kisses' kind of mom, and she knows that). It's not bad, it's just different - she senses that he's not comfortable with the cuddly stuff, and if you ask her to cuddle with him she won't (kids are veeerrrrry perceptive).

If he enjoys taking her places, then I would encourage him to do that - take her to do stuff. When my kids were little, their dad took them to 'water babies' and out on special trips. The class was their time with him, and I actually never went to swim classes with them (not until later when they were old enough to go on their own and we'd go work out while they were in class). Anyway, I think that the important thing is that she has some special time and activities with her dad. Give him some ideas of the kinds of things he can do with her, then step back and let him pick what he wants to do.

I also found that my daughter became 'daddy's girl' around the age of 3. Both of my kids had their periods of wanting one or the other parent exclusively - it was mostly based on their stage of development and interest in exploring who their parents actually were. . .

Good luck!

Aww, sweetie. Your husband IS a good daddy. Here's THERE. Your daughter will benefit greatly from the ying and yang that is Mom and Dad.

My Dad was like that too. His Dad was a hard core farmer and Irish immigrant. My Dad was never told he was loved by his Dad until his Dad lay dying. My Dad was much more loving than him but didn't have enough experience to know quite what to do and yeah he yelled sometimes, didn't do what was right by the text books 100% of the time but he was there for me and continues to be and I know that he is my biggest fan. I go to my Mom when I want sympathy but when I just want a quiet strong hand on my shoulder, I turn to Dad.

I read somewhere that kids are extremely resilient. There are some horrible situations that kids go through and end up being OK in the end. Your home might not be text book but it sounds to me like a happy home with 2 available parents.

Embrace your differences. You are a soft-hearted woman, your husband is a hard core man. Your daughter will grow up with balance and everything will be fine!

Hugs to you and your family!

Here is an article from one of my fave child development columnists:

"Does your 3-year-old like daddy more than mommy?"
Children play favorites, that's a fact. But probably not for the reasons you think.

The Boston Globe- July 17, 2003

CHILD CARING /BARBARA F. MELTZ;
WHEN DADDY'S LITTLE BOY ONLY WANTS MOMMY

As a child psychologist at Children's Hospital, Marcus F. Cherry may be better able than most fathers to shrug it off when his almost-3-year-old son, Alex, insists, "Mommy! Mommy! No Daddy!"

As a father, he admits, "It can be excrutiatingly painful."

Showing preference for one parent is something children do throughout childhood as they struggle to understand more about the complexities of relationships and about themselves. It's normal behavior, but that doesn't make it easy for any parent to live through, even when you are the one in demand.

The rest of the article is here:
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/family/blog/2007/10/does_...

Speaking from personal experience, my hubby was 3rd on the totem pole for about two years (1st= me, 2nd= my mom!), as our daughter got older, they did bond over special activities. Good luck!

Hi A.!
I know what your going through- I had my first child when I was 20(he's 5 now.) Anyways, I too stayed home with him and he favored me over his dad. At one point he has a phase where he wouldnt even let his dad hold him. He got over it before he was 2 and now he loves doing everything with his dad. My other little boy turned 2 on Saturday and he still is attached at the hip. Both of my boys seen to favor me under certain circumstances-I think because Im home with them they trust me more, and are definately more secure with me. It also took my husband time to actually WANT to bond with the boys, when they were little, he sort of just followed my lead, and did things with them here or there, but he was sort of clueless. Now that he sees my 5 year old admires him, he really has changed and he tries to spend a lot of time with him, and be a role model, as for my 2 year old, he is just starting to have an interest in daddy, and daddy isnt so sure what to do with him, he still thinks that he can put him for 3 naps a day! It just takes longer for guys to get used to the whole parenting thing. Longer than most of us prefer. Hang in there, Im sure once shes a little older, they will be unseperable!

I'd reassure your husband that favoring one parent over another is 100% normal. At the same time, I'd tell him to just take the kiss rather than ask. My husband used to ask and he'd get a No too. I didn't ask if I could kiss my kid; I just did it. Also--something we didn't think of but our daughter finally told us when she could speak--my husband's face was a little rough by the end of the day and it was hurting her when he hugged and kissed her. So be aware of stuff like that too. He might have to shave again-or we initiated "nose kisses" where he'd kiss her on the nose so his face wouldn't rub hers. She started to love those because they were special kinds of kisses only the two of them shared. He also undertook bath time, which is such a bonding experience. I didn't bathe my daughter at all for her first two years of life. That was his and her thing, and she and he loved it. It was nurturing and playful and a good way to bond right before bed time. She'd be bummed if I had to do bath time because I was not as much fun as daddy.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing; helping him to take the long view of things. The other thing we've had to remind adults in our life (grandparents who got insulted if she wouldn't kiss them) is, "you can't have your feelings hurt by a 2 year old, okay?" Developmentally she has no intent to hurt your feelings, really has no concept of you even having feelings, and doesn't operate with your feelings in mind. So you have to switch off the part of your brain that tells you to feel hurt when dealing with little kids. It makes life a whole lot happier. I'm also wondering if you all have any friends where the daddies could get together on Saturday mornings or whatnot? That is also a great bonding experience--and a good chance for your husband to see some other fathers interacting with their kids.
Good luck. It sounds like you have a pretty full plate!

I agree with an earlier responder--your husband needs to focus more on the love he gives rather than the love he gets from her. She is just a little over 1 year old and he's an adult. I understand that it hurts when she prefers you but you can't force a child to demonstrate affection. If he is patient with her and cares for her, and engages with her, she will bond with him, too. And once he gets that positive feedback from her it should have a snowball effect. When our daughter was an infant, my husband was more apt to say things like "let her cry; she needs to learn to put herself to sleep." Now he rubs her back to get her to sleep and is the first one to pick her up if she cries. The difference is simply time--he has bonded with her.

I don't mean to sound harsh, either. There is definitely a learning curve. No one teaches you how to be a parent. And maybe your husband plays video games because he just doesn't know or doesn't feel comfortable playing "baby"games. But he needs to try; the rewards are worth it. Maybe you could get a couple of books or toys that can be just for Daddy and her? (It could relate to something he's interested in; for instance my husband loves trucks and tractors, so we have books about those, and he made her a little wooden tractor.) As for the meals, maybe you could leave something prepared for him to give her? Good luck; I'm sure in time they will develop a special relationship.

It drives me nuts to hear people say that their husbands play video games!! What is he? 14??Throw the thing away- then maybe he'll spend some quality time with his daughter and she'll feel more happy with him.
It's impossible for your child to bond with a man who is plugged into the television!
Throw out the video game system and maybe he'll wake up and realize that he needs to earn his daughter's love and affection. It doesn't come free. It costs time and effort.
Good luck,
S.

Umm, I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with everyone else. Yes, children prefer one parent over the other, then it tends to switch. However, the thing that no one else mentioned is that he doesn't seem to be very nice to her when you are not home. You said he tells her to "shut up" and ignores her while he plays video games while you are gone, and doesn't bother feeding her. That would be my concern. No wonder she doesn't want to give him kisses. Rather than impose more alone time on them, I would talk to him about how he treats her. Maybe if he gives her kisses and patiently gives her supper, and plays with her instead of his games once in a while, she may want to give him more kisses more often. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am just a little concerned by his behavior when they are alone.

Hi A.,
Maybe if you run towards your husband when he gets home and hug and kiss him and say how happy you are to see him, your daughter might follow your lead.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope that your husband is able to stay state-side to become an even happier little family.
(: N.

I have said this to other moms who hav eposted this recently, your hubby and daughter need some special time together. Be it every Saturday morning out for breakfast and a playdate and make it their time out. She needs to see that he can take care of her and trust him and you need your alone time too.

They will build a special bond having some Date Time and you will let him parent her without you there (he needs to learn that too) this should be a special time w/o a ton of 'teaching' just sharing and playing..a happy itme for them to get to know each other w/o mommy right there.