Daughter Rough with Family Cat

I would never allow it. I wouldn't allow my child to play on a busy street, touch a hot stove, play with sharp utensils, or harm animals. The child gets punished. The pet doesn't have a choice. The child and you do. And yes, a 4 year old is old enough to teach kindness to animals. For that matter, even a 1 year old can be taught!

I can see a two-year-old doing this, but four? She really needs to learn how to obey the rules. That would be not hurting the cat. Make consequences for her if she does it. Send her to her room and/or take away something. There is no excuse for a four-year-old to treat an animal badly. She's plenty old enough to know better.

I've had many cats since before my children were born. They were never allowed to treat the cats roughly. Starting at toddlers I would take their hand and do gentle pets on the cat saying "Gentle. Gentle." They were not allowed to be by the cats unsupervised.

At age 4 your daughter is old enough to know how to behave with the cat. If she can't treat the cat correctly then you need to have a no touching rule. You are allowing her to terrorize that animal every day leaving the cat to fend the only way it knows how; biting and scratching. What an awful life you've given that cat. Fix it now.

The only thing you can do is separate the two and not leave them alone together. This is for the protection of both the cat and the kid. The cat should NOT have to put up with this child hurting it, and if she REALLY hurt it and the cat retaliated, your child could be severely hurt. Imagine if she scratched her eye or something instead of her arms or legs. If you're going to have a pet and a child, you have to be responsible.

At 4, she should already understand these rules, unless this is a new pet. Have you all had this cat for years or is this s new pet?

Repeat these over and over. Pick 1 per interaction.
"Only soft and gentle touches"
"Gentle rubs, no pats"
"We do not pull the cats tail"
And "do not pick up the cat."

Call your daughters name, tell her "look in my eyes and listen with your ears. Do NOT PICK up the cat"

Then have her repeat this rule back to you.
Do this each time she does these things to the cat.

If she cannot follow these rules, you may need to keep the cat in an enclosed area of the house, so your daughter cannot get to the cat.
Or you may need to consider finding a new home for the cat. This is not the way an animal should have to live.

She needs supervision when interacting with the cat. The poor cat needs to be protected. If she will not listen, it is time to find a safe home for the cat.

We have two cats and I put the fear of mom in her about being rough with them. I told her that if she continues to be mean to the cats she'll get a spanking, pain for pain, and if she continues after that... I'll give the cats to a NICE family with a kid who isn't mean to them. I told her that if she hurts the kitty too badly inside, mommy can't fix it and the kitty will die. I told her she's so much bigger and stronger than the poor little kitty that she has to be especially gentle with it so she doesn't hurt him. I explicitly pointed out all the things the cat doesn't like so there's no question. I rolled the cat over when he was being lovey and gave him a belly rub. I put her hand on his belly and said, "Feel how soft and squishy that is? All the parts of his body that let him breath and live are there in that little squishy part of him. If you smash him, those parts won't work anymore and the kitty will be broken. Once you break a kitty, they die and rot like that dead bird we saw on the road that one time. He will not get back up. He will not purr ever again. He will not rub his head on you and give you love. He will not curl up on your bed and sleep with you. He will be cold and rotten and we'll have to bury him in the ground. Don't. Hurt. The. Kitty."

Get real with her. She's not too young to understand what dead means.

"You do not lay on the kitty. You do not sit on the kitty. You do not pull on the kitty, fur, tail, whiskers or ears! You do not pick the kitty up even though you've seen mommy do it. Mommy can pick up the kitty because she is bigger and can support the kitty properly. You can not. You will wait until you are older before picking up the kitty. You will not try and dress the kitty. Kitty is NOT a dolly. The kitty has feelings. Dolls do not. You will not chase the kitty even if you want to pet it really really badly. You let the kitty come to you. If the kitty doesn't come to you, that means you are being too noisy and wiggly and the kitty does not like that. You must be quiet and still to attract the kitty. You will not throw things at the kitty to try and make it get down from his tower. The kitty is up there to get away from you. Leave him alone when he's up there, that's his quiet time.

This is where the kitty likes to be scratched. This is how you pet the kitty. See how his ears go back and his tail flicks? That is not a happy kitty. That means stop. You're petting too hard. If the kitty scratches or bites you, it means you REALLY hurt him and he can't say, 'Ow! Please stop! That hurts!' Can the kitty talk? No! But he can show you you're being too rough."

Unfortunately since your daughter has sustained bites and scratches but still doesn't stop, she's going to need your swift and immediate intervention. Make her stop. You have the power.

A friend's daughter behaved the exact same way at 4. In fact, I found 4 to be an interesting age in playing with cause and effect. Seen in this way, your child is engaging in scientific experiments. Totally inappropriate, but I don't think it's out of the normal range for 4 year olds.

No advice, just wanted to say it's normal for 4.

You have my life lol. WE have two cats, and have a similar problem, my daughter just can't seem to leave them alone. We give them a safe spot, which is under our bed. If they go in there, she is not allowed to get them out. She is 5, and always impulsive, it's hard for her. She doens't mean to hurt the cats, but its "lets see if kitty can be dressed up" or "lets see if kitty can be stuffed in my shirt so I can be pregnant with a kitty and give birth to it out of the bottom of my shirt" etc. We just keep on reminding her not to hurt the cats. I'm thinking when they get older and sharper in the claw and tooth, she will get better!

Role play with a stuffed animal.... about "gentle touches" etc.
Kids that young may not know, what is "gentle" or "soft." So teach her. Practice with her. Until she gets it.
They can't calibrate or control their impulses when young sometimes.
Your daughter cannot control her impulses.
And if so, and she cannot be nicer to the cat, t hen keep the cat away.
Tell her, the cat is not a toy.
It is a living breathing animal.

When my kids were that age, we already had a pet. A rabbit. And even my son at that age, was gentle with the rabbit and could treat it nicely.
Because we taught him. And, I was always there, when he was playing with the rabbit.
Teach your child, the "right" and "wrong" way to treat an animal.
And if your daughter will not listen, then, she cannot go in there and play with the cat.
I feel sorry for the cat.
It is defending itself.

Instead of just "running in there to save the cat...." reprimand her.
Give her a consequence.
Tell her NO.

I found a book at our local library called "how does a dinosaur play with her cat" that my kids seem to like. But you need more intervention than that. Never leave them alone in the same room together until you know your daughter can behave. Explain the rules for how to behave with the cat to her. Allow them to interact under your supervision but as soon as she breaks a rule breaks a rule she gets the same consequence/discipline technique you already do in your family. Consistency is key. My daughter is also 4 and she and our cat are really starting to be good friends, but I've been working on correct ways to interact since she first started to be mobile.

You might need to find a new home for the cat. It's great if you can teach your daughter how to be nice to animals, but if that is just not happening - the cat should not have to suffer to be a "learning experience". I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but I'd say if this situation lasts for more than a few months you should think about giving away the cat (at least have it live with your in-laws or something, til your daughter is older and you can slowly try to introduce her to the cat again).

The only way she will learn is for the cat to defend itself. If she is at risk of killing the cat by hugging it too hard or choking it, something innocent but harmful then the kitty needs to be protected from her until it's bigger. Then it can hide from her and defend itself. Once she gets a serious owie from the cat she'll decide she doesn't want to be around it anymore. But it has to be a serious owie.

we are also working on this with our 4-yr-old daughter. she is kind to every other animal she meets (to the point that people comment on her kindness and animals gravitate towards her), but she has difficulty with our cat. i have consulted developmental psychologists about this, as it is the one difficult behavior that we haven't been able to curb completely. and this is what we have learned:

yes, 4-year-olds are teachable about kindness, but also impulsivity is out of their control. the cortex understands the rules but their limbic brains don't care yet. so it is a contest between restraint and yielding to impulses, and as of now, the cortex cannot overrule limbic brain to manage impulses. by age 8, the cortex should have more control. our 4-yr-old, who has difficulty being nice to the cat is not a psychopath in training.

so what we have been doing is having her rehearse being kind to the cat. we tell her: "one of our jobs as parents is to teach you. and we are teaching you a value that is important in our house. this value is being kind to every creature, including the cat. what does it mean to be kind to the cat? how can you be kind?" and then she lists ways to be kind to the cat. then we ask her what are mean things to do to the cat? and she lists those. and then we ask her: do we do those mean things? she says no. and we ask her EVERY DAY and have this conversation with her EVERY DAY now. if she is mean to the cat, then she gets a time out away from the cat.

and this is how we "reward" her for being kind-- both in physical practice and in her ability to TELL us how to be kind. we compliment her on her kindness and are very specific ("i see how you are scritching the cat's neck so softly. she really likes that"). also, our daughter loves trains and matchbox cars, but yesterday she was mean to the cat, so i took them all away. right now, if she she both practices kindness and explains to us the value of being kind for one day, she gets one train and one piece of train track. so this will be a long, daily practice (she's the youngest of her cousins, so she has a lot of hand-me-down trains/cars :). if she is mean to the cat or refuses to explain the value of kindness in our household, then she gets the time out (for physical harm), we reiterate the values, tell her that everyone makes mistakes every now and then (remember, it really isn't in their control at their age: would you have a 4-year-old babysit or house sit or dog sit on his/her own?), and that we will try again tomorrow. and she doesn't get the one train and piece of track for that day. she knows what she did is wrong.

she needs to learn the value of kindness; we need to teach her the value. and yes, as long as the cat has a safe place to be in the house and we are on top of the behavior, the cat can remain. i am an avid animal rights believer and would never keep our cat in a harmful situation. but this is something that can be worked on.

good luck, mama! keep us posted.

My 2 year old does this, and since she's acting like he does I'll tell you what we do. They are never alone together, if he wants to pet the kitty then we will hold the cat while he pets him. If he tries to get rough then we stand up and kitty gets a break. The cats (we have 2) pretty much stay upstairs and avoid him, if you don't have a 2 story then I would keep the cat shut up in another room while she is up. She's too old for this behavior, but it's not the poor cat's fault. Give him a break!

Also, keep in mind claws can cause illness and scars. I still have a scar on my nose from a cat scratch as a child, and cat's claws are filthy from scratching in the litter box. They can carry diseases that are then transmitted by scratching a person. Imagine the ramifications of losing an eye from this type of behavior. For both their safety this should be a concern.

Ultimately, keep them apart until she shows that she understands how to treat the kitty nicely.