Daughter of a Mom That Is a Foster Parent

I am sure many have already said this: talk to your mom. Don't make any judgements or harsh accusations. Just let her know how you miss her and are hurt by her limitations. How wonderful that she has the energy to still take on more kids and care for some kids who did not have their own parents raising them and caring for them... many moms at that age and stage in their life feel a bit spent by the time their kids have left the house. So acknowledge that but lovingly ask her to see if she can find a balance in order to share her life with you and still be involved in the lives of you and your siblings. You could consider talking to your dad first (are they still married?) to see if he can give some insight on how she might react.

You might be surrpised... but it will all depend on how you approach her. She is doing a good thing by caring for these kids, but may also need to be enlightened in a loving way, how it affects you and your siblings.

Best of luck!

I'm wondering if my sons felt the same way about our new family members as you are feeling towards your new siblings. My boys were only 11 and 9 when I met my husband, who had 2 children of his own. Within a couple years we were married and starting to have children together. All told we ended up with 8 children (biologically) and 4 sons (ex-step sons) from our previous marriages that we kept in touch with and continued to help raise. My point here is that for generations large families were the norm, and that being the case, meant that the older children's roles had to change. They had to become more involved with mom in the group setting and there was a lot less one on one time.

I also understand your wanting your mom to be very involved and excited about your new little one. That just might not happen in the way you've always envisioned. Just remember how desperately these foster children need someone in their lifes like your mom. It's not everyone who can handle the responsiblities and potential problems that can come with foster kids. Just look to the news to see what I'm talking about. These kids are sometimes going thru hell from the moment they're conceived.

I wonder if your resentment about your mom's lack of one on one with you, might not be keeping you from developing your own relationship with these kids. Remember that as long as they are in your mom's home, they are your siblings as well. Perhaps trying to find a common group with the kids, get to know them and mentor them, would help you to see in them what your mom sees. It also might help to open your moms eyes to the fact that you still need her too.

Good luck to you all. I will be praying for you.

You might start out by asking for scheduled quite time to talk to her. Ask her what drives her to foster so many or at all? Then maybe tell her how you feel about her missing out on you & your children's lives. Try to be open & flexible and simply ask her to show some interest in your life.

Hi K.,

It sounds like your mom has a lot of love to share. What a wonderful thing to do for so many children. Have you tried talking to your mom about how this is affecting you? Maybe she does not realize how you are feeling. I would say just talk to her and see if you can set up some time to spend with her. If this is an issue that more than one person in the family is having get everyone together and just discuss it. The most important thing you can do is keep the communication lines open. It is such a huge thing. If you do not discuss it, inevitably it will fester and cause resentment and anger which is dangerous to your emotional and physical health if not addressed. Be so grateful that your mom is alive and so loving and giving to these precious children. I don't know if you are spiritual, but praying for a positive way to dicuss it has always helped me, when in these situations. I bet that you can work it out in no time with your mom before it begins to affect you and your own family. Blessings to you.

Katherine

Have you talked to your mom about it? Maybe write a letter if it's too emotional for you? Maybe you can ask some key questions as to how you can get her to attend some of your functions and what would be a more suitable set up to get her involved in her grandchildren's lives. I feel the same way sometimes when my mom is running around with her activities and feel like I could use some mommy and me time, but you have to think about it and feel glad that you're mom is still very active, giving and caring for someone else, instead of being the needy and demanding care type of mom. Sometimes we have to look for the positive in some situations instead of reflecting on what we don't have. Hope this helps.

Be HONEST with your mom and let her know how you feel. She may be busy with the kids, and have many concerns that she doesn't know that you are hurting. Talk with her. And try to find time to spend with her.
Love,
M.

Another idea. Perhaps you and your sisters could arrange family time which includes you looking after the older kids while your mother looks after the grandkids. You could take the older kids somewhere and leave the grandkids with your mother. Or perhaps you could break up your mother's kids into smaller groups for different activities so that she doesn't have all the children and you at the same time. I don't know the ages of her kids and so I can't think of ways to do this.

I've also been a foster mother, once with two girls but the rest of the time with only one. Foster children have different and in some ways greater needs than most birth children. They are definately more difficult to parent. I couldn't manage the two let alone 5. She needs a break. Could you and your sisters arrange for respite care for the foster kids and have your mother visit you at your houses? There might be respite care available thru the agency which placed the children with your mother.

I agree that you definately need to arrange a time to talk alone with your mother to let her know how you're feeling about this and try to problem solve together.

I understand that your mother is necessarily too busy with her own children and the household responsibilities this entails to be available for much interaction when you visit. But if she knew how much you wanted to spend time with her in a more personal way they might be a way of arranging that. My first thought is for you to visit when the kids are in school, if they're in school. Perhaps help your mother with chores while she plays with the baby.

You are a new mother with new feelings of love for your child. You naturally want your mother to be more involved with your baby than she's able to be at this time. It's true that you and your baby are having to give up much so that those children can have the nurturing and care that they need.

I understand why you'd be hurt and resentful. I suspect your feelings are getting in the way of a better relationship with your mother. She feels your resentment even if she hasn't acknowledged it. I think that you will have a better relationship with your mother if you can talk with her and find a way to accept her children. She didn't give birth to them but they probably still feel like her children to her, especially for the ones she's adopting. It doesn't mean that you and your daughter are less important. It probably means that she also feels responsibility for these children and hasn't found a way to include you and your baby.

I have confidence that you and your mother can work this out.