Daughter Lying - Altamonte Springs,FL

Nobody likes to be lied to, its disrespectful. My parents used to make me write lines. I don't know how well it worked for them at the time, but I think it made me better. Also it gives the child a time out, while doing something. My dad would make me start over when I tried drawing a straight line down for all the 'I's. lol...the things we think we can get away with. I also believe that stealing should be paid back with chores. I had to clean up dog poop if I got caught eating out of the kitchen, yuck I hated that.

Oh I can't stand liars! Both of my kids know this. We have an iron clad policy on lying in this house. If my kids screw up and tell the truth the DO NOT get punished. No matter what. My son broke my neighbors window with an errant baseball. I was furious as I had told him a million times "do not hit the baseball in the back yard use the wiffle ball". He came into the house told me exactly what he did said he would pay for the window and that he was very sorry but he needed to go next door and speak with our neighbor. I never said a word. I wanted to believe me but the policy has to stand or it doesn't work. When I calmed down I was so proud of how responsible he was about the whole issue especially since the window ended up costing him 150 and he is only 9. If our kids do lie (because they are human and mess up too) the punishment is always the same. No help from the person they lied to for a week. Example- Son lies to me on Tuesday. Until the next Tuesday he cooks for himself, cleans for himself, is not driven to any activities he is enrolled in unless someone else takes him, does not receive help with homework from me (Dad or grandparents can still help him he just won't get it from me) etc. By the end of the week he is a tired and sorry kid and I am not being lied to. Yes it's a harsh punishment but my kids are respectful children who rarely try lying and wouldn't even think of stealing. For us it's worth being tough. Good luck!

I understand your worry about the lying and I will tell you what always worked with my kids....I told them when they first started lying that trust was like a bank account and every time they lied it was like making a withdrawal and every time they did what they were supposed to do it was like a deposit. I then set them up with a "bank account" using pennies and nickels. They quickly learned that the withdrawals were usually more than the deposits and that worked like a charm and taught them some math at the same time. Having said all of that...I am amazed at how few of the previous posts mentioned the fact that not only did she LIE to you...but she STOLE from you and that, at least to me, is far more problamatic than the lying (which, by all means, needs to be addressed). I completely understand the moms who talked about spanking (which we did with our kids but I can count on two hands the number of times it needed to be done) because we had the same type rules....it was reserved for extreme offenses (we believe that the shock of the spanking has far more of an impact than the spanking itself). Stealing needs to be dealt with quickly and no matter what punishment you choose it needs to be shocking and quick. I say this because stealing is one of those childhood behaviors that kids will repeat if they think they can get away with it. They need to know that the consequence far outweighs any risk they might take....if you know what I mean. I didn't mean to write a book but as a behavioral therapist...I far to often see the results of the parents who don't take action early on when their children start lying and stealing. Good luck!

We have separate punishments, one for the behavior and one for lying.
Example: ds (8) lied to me about hitting his sister. He was not allowed to play with his friends because of the hitting and he lost his DS for 2 days because of the lying. We made it very clear the punishments were separate; we explained the hitting punishment first, then explained that because he lied there was an additional punishment. It works relatively well.

We also give him warnings when we think he's lying. We tell him he will have an additional punishment for lying and give him one chance to come clean. If he doesn't, he gets both punishments.

To encourage honesty when ds was going through a particularly troublesome lying phase (like your dd, lied about dumb little stuff) we gave him a month 'free pass' if he told the truth; in other words he wouldn't get in trouble for lying if he recanted and fessed up. It worked two ways; one he got used to telling the truth so it helped break the lying habit, two it helped us use the lies as teaching moments by telling him what his additional punishment would have been and praising him for telling the truth.

I tend to think that what is going on is not at all about lying but something deeper that is going on her life. Children do tell little white lies to get out of doing things here and there but they do copy the adults around them that lie on the phone to ppl or family members to get out of doing things to. The thing that sends up red flags for me is the money thing. Neither one of my girls who are now in late teens has EVER taken money or played "tricks" about that. I would investigate further and see what the root of the problem is. There is ALWAYS a cause for out of bounds behavior.

Wrong, for sure
and did you ask her why?
More than 50 years ago I got something I wasn't to have, and my dad sat me down and asked me why- not mad he talked to me- and here I am remembering it now-oh believe me I learned my lesson- but in a way that still surprises me.
best, k

Please don't reward her by taking her to the movies.
She's also old enough to know better; and write 100 times:
"I will not lie to anyone"..it's old fashioned but this gives her the time to think about the repercussions of lying.
It's hurtful and just plain WRONG. Having her do chores won''t reinforce this.
Having her do chores because it's a family obligation is ok.
Good luck. Hang in there and stand your ground!!!

my seven year old just started this too......odd, silly little lies. I consider it her testing her own will, and looking for what boundaries she can cross now that shes a little lady. I am severe about the lying punishment, its grounding, even for a little white lie, or i take something away she loves. later on i offer her chances of redeeming herself and shortening her grounding by doing chores, or if she does something really nice ill shorten it and tell her why.

My daughter who just turned nine pulled the same stunt 3 weeks ago. She was grounded for lying to me about the money and then she had to give me all the money she had saved for an american girl doll. I did this so she would understand how it felt to have money taken away that you worked hard for. She was very sad and her money went into our vacation fund. I did think about call the cops to talk to her but in the heat of the moment I was so appalled that she would steal from me, i just sent her to her room for the day and loss of all priveledges till I cooled down, then we delt with the punishment.

I know your question was about the lying but what about the stealing??

If that was my daughter this is what I would do: Get her all excited about going to the movies, drive there, pull through the parking lot, and go home. When she asks why you guys didn't go to the movies, say you were just kidding. When she gets upset (which she obviously will), ask her how it feels when she is lied to and that lying is not a joke. She is old enough for the disappointment of not actually going to the movies.

I agree with almost everyone here about consistancy, punishment, and discipline with lying. It seems that she needs to experience it first hand and talk about how she would feel if the shoes were on her feet. Tell her that lying affects both people on both ends and not just trying to get out of punishment.

I have a feeling that after doing that, she will think twice about lying.

Make it clear that there is no need to lie. We all forget things, like washing our hands or cleaning up or homework. You do not mind if she forgets. This creates an environment where she will not be afraid of punishment or your disappointment if she needs a reminder.
Go with her to the bathroom. Let her know that hand washing is important and you trusted her to do it on her own before, but she lied. Now you will go with her and check on her until she has earned back your trust.
Do not create situations where she needs to lie. Kids do not want to disappoint you and they do not want to get in trouble, so, when asked if they did or did not do something they will lie. Stop asking. If you know she did not wash her hands, just tell her to go back and do it.
As for today. Go talk to her. Tell her that it upsets you that you cannot trust her. If she needed money or wanted to buy something, she just needs to talk to you about it and you can work something out. She can earn or save for whatever it is that she needs. Let her know that if the lying continues she will loose some independent privileges since you cannot trust her to make positive choices when left alone. If you are cooking in the kitchen, she will have to read or color in the kitchen. If you are working on the computer, she will have to bring something quite to do next to you. Kids do not want to go backwards, the want to keep gaining privileges.
Lastly, take note of how often you, and other grown ups in her life lie. If someone calls and you do not want to talk, do you tell the person who answered to say that you are not home? Do you say that you have plans (which you do not) because you do not want to hang out with someone? Do you tell someone that you like a gift, then say you hate it when they are not around. Kids pick up on that stuff.

I would love to hear how it all turns out,
B.

http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

Dear L.,

For starters, no movie! It's summer and she's out of school, I would give her regular daily chores, some extra chores for lying and STEALING. In addition I suggest enrolling her in a local vacation Bible school session. You could have a talk with the teachers and they could discuss lying and stealing in a open forum.

Blessings....