Daughter Just Doesn't Care!

I think the teacher is telling you something. Who we are or become has a lot to do with who we hang with. Sounds like she is getting into some undesireables. encourage her to have the friends over and watch and learn. My daughter hung with some real losers and they hurt our relationship as well. You can always go to College at any age if you can afford it but drugs will change behaviors and also make them not care. Maybe have her tested for drugs? Every one of our four kids tried drugs. Only my son is hooked on it and the rest are doing great.It was about 13-14 when it started. I just will not give my granddaughter a cell phone. They warn about computers and cell phones kids are getting into addictive behaviors. Also why we have obesity among kids. They need excersize and interaction face to face. I am so sorry, I went through hell with three at home and one having babies in High School and never lived with us when I married her dad.Learn and practice Tough Love all it is good parenting and looks like you are. God Bless G. W

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Part of this is normal... i went through this myself from 7th-9th grade... thankfully I snapped out of it and began to really care-- I made straight A's from the 2nd half of 10th-12th grade and saved my GPA and salvaged my chances of scholarships. Some kids never do-- though.

I am trying to be proactive in this... my kids are a bit younger. But, we have started a homework ritual (since Kindergarten). When it is "homework time", our whole house stops. The TV is off, and my husband, myself, and my 2 daughters are all in the same room, all focused on homework. Yes, this does take time away from "us"-- takes away TV time-- and we do pick up food most days during the week rather than spend time cooking, which helps. I keep a bunch of fruit cut up as our side servings. Anyway, the girls know the routine, and they appreciate that we are involved (we're all in it together), and I want this to continue all the way through their school years. There are days that my oldest does not want to do homework or read her book... but she does it-- it is just a part of her daily routine! And we also do reward good "grades" and good "efforts" through weekend activities-- and friends are a great currency! Sleepovers and friend time is something you could use as a reward system. Good luck!

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Hi R.,

Well I can give you my opinion and I haven't been out of school for that long. It has been awhile but I can tell you what my parents did to me when I was in junior high(this was a long time ago) and my grades were low. One six weeks I beleive I got a 68 in math and they took my door off the hinges for an entire six weeks. If my grades were up the following six weeks, then I got the door back, if not it stayed off. They also would ground me from any friends, games, etc. When a kid really likes friends this might be the only way to get to them. You could also take her somewhere to see what happens if you don't take school seriously. I.E. a terrible job. Hope this helps and good luck.

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One tactic that we have used is to have a talk with her teacher or teachers, tell them that you want a note each and every day stating that her work is done, or if she has homework, what it is and when it is due. Kids hate to have to get a note sent home every single day from the teacher to tell their parents how they are doing. By getting the note, you will know what she has to do at home at night, and you can sit her down at the kitchen table and watch her do that homework while you cook supper, do dishes whatever, just dont let her go to her room to do it, because then you aren't sure if she is doing it, make her read the chapters out loud to you while she is sitting there. The note also helps by making her look like she isn't grown up enough to do her homework on her own, she wont like this part, because she doesn't want her friends to see she isn't a big enough girl to to things on her own. I like the taking the door off the hinges thing, and I'm glad you took the cell phone, does she have a computer in her room? that could be a problem too, she could be on there while she should be studying. Keep up with the note thing, for the entire remainder of the school year, then maybe next year she will have the incentive to get her work done and get those grades where she should be, and maybe you won't have to do it again.

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I have been where you are. I don't know much to tell you. It is a phase but you have to nip it in the butt now. You are on the right track by giving her consenquences for her actions. My last reaction was threatening to go to school with her if I had to just so that I knew what was going on. She didn't want to be humliated so of course she was like "NOOOOO!!!!"

I check grades almost daily online. I contacted all the teachers made sure they were all aware of the situation and did this all in front of my child so she knew we were communicating regardless good or bad. When there was a bad grade or something missed I would make her a list of what teachers to go to, to make up her work, at the same time emailed the teacher and told her I except to know if she didn't show up. That alone was enough for my child.

I then took away cell phone, sleep overs, tv, radio and any favorite clothes she had. Being popular or into your friends isnt about all of that materialistic stuff. Call me a cruel mom but I know have a child that has A/B honor roll and wants to be somewhere in life and she is almost 15.

Good luck with your issues.. If it gets worse contact your childs guidence councilor

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I must admit that I was the exact same way when I was that age. School for me became extremly boring- therer was nothing really that held my interest. She needs something that will help her get involved with school again. I didn't gain interest in my studies again until I was in Choir, but by then I was way behind in some subjects like math. I wish I had kept up with my studies because it took a long time to catch up!
If there is a peer tutoring program- see if she could sign up for that(to help other students with what she knows) See if there is a way she can help out in the class room, maybe helping the teacher correct papers or something, or maybe she can volenteer in the school libreary- just something to get her re-involved with learning so she is not bored.
My son was getting bored a couple of years ago in school and his teacher put him next to some other children who were struggling and he was able to peer tutor them- he loved it!
Hope this helps!
~C.

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What good does having all these friends if she's not going to make the grades to pass to 7th grade along with the friends she's so focused on? You might take that approach every so often and try to make her see that there are other reasons to trying your best in school...not just that Mom is making her do it...make her think it is her idea to do good in school. I think a little rebellion starts after a while and you can turn that into you favor with a little "mind games" if you'd call it that.

We have had similar problems with our 13 year old this year, and have tried everything. What we have finally come up with is this: he earns computer and TV time each day by bringing home an assignment sheet signed by each of his teachers. We had been grounding him from these things until he brought his grades up but after awhile, it just seemed like he grew accustomed to being without them. This way he has a daily goal and if he messes up, he gets to try again the next day. He is also goes to tutoring each day. He is a very bright kid, but the tutoring gives him a chance to do his homework around the teachers who know exactly what work he is supposed to be doing. The only other thing I could suggest is asking your daughter what she may want to be when she grows up, then researching it on the internet, showing her how she would have to get good grades to accomplish it. Also, maybe looking at some college websites together would help. You could show her all the cool things there are to do in college, then show her the requirements to get in. I don't really remember a lot about Jr. High/Middle School, but now having my own child, I can imagine how hard it must be to understand how at such a young age how all of their school decisions are effecting their futures. Good luck, I hope this helped.

It sounds a lot like peer pressure and trying to fit in. It is something new now days that if you are smart no one wants to be around you. They do not think in the future about what bad grades can do to hurt your chances of getting into good schools or jobs. Try to find out who her friends and their parents are and have them over or hang out in the mall or rinks with them to get to know them better. Peer pressure can do a lot of things to self esteem. Is she well developed? That will also cause some problems trying to fit in. Do your best to find the root of the problem and work on it. If she has any kind of idea of what she would like to do in life work on finding a way to explore what is needed to do that. Good luck and be there for her.

My daughter had some problems with this in junior high. It seems that the popular "rich" kids thought that clothes make a person whereas intelligence does. They picked on my daughter and we found out what the problem was and sent her to school with ammunition to back her up. We were a military family coming back from Germany and the kids didn't think mom or dad owned a BMW so we sent her to schol with pictures. They backed off and realized that she did fit into their little group better than they did. As for the clothes, we changed them up into a different style that they became jealous. Just stay patient and be there for her and keep the door of conversation open and going both ways. My daughter is now 32 and I am her best friend. The day she told me that I was very honored and very humbled at the same time. It will all work out. The other S.

You have some great responses already, I love the door hinge idea and may implement that one myself if my dgtr doesn't get her own grades up! We've done the cell phone, myspace, social life grounding this year and it seemed like her grades were lower, so she gradually got it all back. She has missed a lot of school this six weeks due to the flu, so we're cutting some slack right now, but I'll start locating my tool kit for report card time, with the door off the hinges, maybe she'll even clean her room! HA!
Good luck with your dgtr, fortunately you guys have a couple of years to straighten it out before HS GPA's count. One idea may be to start a list of colleges she would like to go to and look online for their GPA requirements, it could be an eye opener.

I have walked this path before. I tried all kinds of rewards and punishments to no avail. There might be a temporary improvement, but that's it.

Then I found a wonderful book. The title is "Bright Minds, Poor Grades." Please read this book. It's about making your child's grades HER responsibility, not yours. It's an easy read and will encourage you. Another great book is love and logic.

In my opinion, as well meaning parents, we have tried to stop our children from suffering consequences of their behavior and choices. It's hard sometimes to let your kids suffer the natural consequences of their choices, but it's also necessary to help them understand that's not the path to take.

My niece in MS did the same thing your daughter's doing in 7th grade. My sister in law told her I guess you'll repeat if you don't get your act together. I thought at the time how horrible, I can't believe she's not helping her any more than that. Sure enough, she failed. Guess what, the next year she was on A/B honor roll and has been ever since. She graduated high school and was enrolled in college courses while in high school. It took her failing one year to straighten herself up. I decided my sister in law was a lot smarter than I gave her credit (and also 20 years older and had raised 2 boys). :)

Another possibility is to go to school with her. I know some parents who have done this with GREAT success. Tell her if she can't manage to bring her school work home and get it done well you'll have to come to school with her to help her stay organized. I personally know one Mom who did this with her son on a skipping problem and it ceased immediately. She dropped her son off, let him go into his first class and then showed up. She was beside him every moment of his day. From then on if there was any problems at school she'd just ask him if he needed her to come and amazingly he would straighten up :)

I feel for you and know this is a hard time right now. You are a good parent and this is NOT a reflection on you. You've raised her to make good decisions and you're not through raising her yet. She obviously knows what it takes to be a good student because she's been one before. Just know you're not alone.

Blessings!
L.

1. Rule out a physical barrier. I have extreme scoliosis and almost failed because I would not carry my books; to class or home.

2. Look into her school and friends. She may be feeling pressured tp fit in by not making good grades and being labeled a nerd? Just a guess, but I did a bit of that too.

Good luck!

Hi R., I went through this when I was a kid. My dad cured my laziness real quick. He required me to bring home a book from every subject I was doing poorly in and I had to sit at the kitchen table and study each subject all day every day from the time I got home from school until it was time to get ready for bed until I brought home reports from each teacher saying that I had a B average or above. I can promise you it only took me about a week to get those grades up and I never let them slip again! Nobody wants to study all day every day when they could pass the classes with much less time and effort!