Daughter Is over 21 - West Mifflin,PA

Is this question for real??

Your ADULT child is dating someone & you're concerned that she'll marry him despite you disliking his mother because she's a gossip & have decided the possibility of that makes your child disloyal...? Have I got everything right there?

Get over yourself. Whenever you feel the need to talk to your adult child about this, bite your tongue & walk away or risk her cutting you out.

If she loves this guy, and HE is not the issue, what do you expect her to do? Not be with him? If all of us had not married the men we loved because of less then appealing In Laws, alot of us would be single!

You have no right to make her choose. YOU are being disloyal. You stick with your daughter, and support her. You like the guy, there is no rule saying you have to be BFFs with this lady.

Your daughter is an adult, time to cut your cord. You can't control her. You are choosing a battle you will lose. It's not about you, you don't get to make these decisions. You sound very immature...let this go.

You have a problem with the mother not the boy. Don't do this to your daughter. You are going to make her choose and you may not like her choice.

Are you sure your problem is with the mom and not the fact that your daughter is grown up and making decisions on her own? This must be a very difficult adjustment for you. Its been you and your daughter and now you have this boy. You are going to have to share her with someone eventually.

Unfortunately, we don't have a say in who our kids love and marry. Look at it this way, at least this woman won't be YOUR MIL! Keep your opinions to yourself or you will not have a daughter.

From the perspective of the daughter (i.e. my perspective) you shouldn't add your feelings about the boys mother to the situation. Should your daughter give up a potentially happy marriage and life with someone she loves because you don't like his mother? You've been dealing with her for 40 years - why should your daughter end a good relationship over this?

Your daughter is quite young. You say she is over 21, but probably still in her early 20s. Chances are it won't work out anyway. Honestly, your disapproval may be encouraging it. Your daughter is probably at an age where the worst thing in the world would be to be like her mom (we all go through it - didn't you? - but we grow out of it).

My mom does not particularly like my mother in law, nor does she like my sisters mother in law, although each of them like my mom. Sometimes you just have to grin an bear it and think of your daughters happiness first. Sorry.

This is not about you.

This is not about his mother.

This is about them.

You said that you even "kinda like" the guy. She is dating him, not his mother. I think it is completely unfair of you to expect your daughter to not date someone because you don't like being around his mother.

I doubt you are alone in your thoughts and feelings regarding the gossipy woman. I'm sure all others in the group are fed up with her ways too. You can only control how you interract and respond with her. Don't be a wimp....speak up and tell how rude and gossipy and condescending she is and how it ruins the gatherings...And then remind her of the cardinal rule that "If you don't have something nice to say, DON'T say it." And this mantra will have to be repeated many times...so don't go and think that once will magically work.

However, you are completely alone, and wrong, to set absurd boundaries about your future mother in law. Your adult daughter does not need ultimatums from you. She should not and should never choose a life time partner based on YOUR inability to set boundaries with this woman. I would imagine the son is fully aware of his mom's shortcomings. It is probably one of their connections...your daughter knows how you feel about her, chances are the son feels the same way.

Use this relationship as an opportunity to teach your daughter how to treat her. I'd even recommend you do a couple of therapy sessions, together, with a trained professional, to give you each tips on how to manage this woman.

But honestly L., you will lose this battle and will lose your daughter if you set such unrealistic avoidance patterns.....

BTW, is this how you treat all people you don't get along with??? You just go into avoidance pattern, shut down, stay away?

Your daughter's relationship isn't about you. At all.
And really, it's selfish of you to think so.
From the sounds of it, you'd rather your daughter give up a potential husband that she loves, than for you to learn to deal with an unpleasant woman.

Bottom line, you will lose this battle. Don't try to fight it.

You're an adult. You don't have to be best friends with this woman, and you don't have to stay in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. If the converastion gets bad - leave. This is not your daughter's problem, it's yours. Don't put this on her.

This is not about you. This is your daughters choice. SHE is the one that would have to really put up with this woman..

Just stand back and let this woman hang herself.

If you say anything, it will just make your daughter want to defend her.

L.,
Your daughter is an adult now. Don't do this to her, she's not being disloyal to you. She loves and adores you, does that mean she has to agree with you? You are entitled to your beliefs and opinion and she's entitled to hers. So you don't care for her maybe MIL, that's okay, you don't have too, but don't be mad at your daughter for being. That's not right to do, you are trying to control her to do and be how you want her to be.

Please don't do this to her, it's just not right. She does love you and I know you two probably have a very close relationship since she's an only child and you are a widow.

Hugs going out to you!

wow, I was expecting something worse than shes gossipy...I don't think you have the right to even complain about her bf's mother to her. It seems by doing that you are being gossipy and immature. Its not like you will have to be best friends with her if they marry J. cordial and mature? I think you should be more concerned if he is husband/father material, if so then be happy for her

This is your daughter's decision to make. Her relationship with her boyfriend has nothing to do with how you feel about his mother. You need to sort this out and respect your daughter, and be loyal to your daughter. She's not being disloyal to you.

If this young man is treating your daughter well, loves her, she loves him, and he doesn't behave as his mother does, then what more can you ask for? Isn't that what you would want for your daughter?

Wow. Your daughter is an adult and has found someone she cares about.

Your feelings on that person's mother are irrelevant and it is completely unfair of you to accuse her of being disloyal. You are completely wrong here.

Don't hang with them. You're way too old to be "hangin" with your daughter and her friends anyway. If he asks her to marry him, then play the role of mother-of-the-bride and attend things you need to attend. Enjoy your shared grandchildren and see her only at family functions. If the conversation "turns", leave.

You sound very selfish. Who cares if you have an issue with his mom, that's your problem. It's not your daughters obligation to avoid anyone's kids you may have a problem with. No one said you have to hang out with anyone you don't want to, you are an adult so act like one and don't hang out with the woman if you have a problem with her.. what that doesn't mean is that your daughter has to rearrange her life to make it more comfortable for you and hopefully you don't say anything else to her about it and drop it really quick.

YOur daughter knows your reservations.
She is also an adult.
You do not have to be involved with this woman except for the wedding, if there will even be one.

Ok - I totally get that you love your daughter, but I think you have made her the center of your life because you are a widow and she's your only child. For the sake of both of you, you really need to let your daughter go.

The fact that you call her disloyal for not breaking up with someone she cares about because you don't like their mother is, honestly, not rational. It is NOT your choice, nor do you have any right to come between them because you don't like the mom. If the young man is not abusive, horrible, etc., you need to let her be her own person and have whatever relationship she likes. YOU MUST LET GO.

If SHE can deal with this woman, and she loves the young man, you're just going to have to be polite with the woman. It's not like you have to live with the woman. You'll see her at family gatherings and misc. events. You don't have to "hang out" with them.

Just try to be as civil as you can. You can't choose who your daughter falls in love with. If you meddle or let this bother you, you will mess up your relationship with your daughter.

I think that you need to accept that the son is not the mother and if he loves your daughter and treats her right, that's most important. If she is also able to get along with her potential MIL, then that's her business.

I'm a stepmom and I know that sometimes it is hard to have a mutual person you care about that you share with someone you don't. Focus on your daughter not her MIL.

And think of it this way - what goes around comes around. If she'll hang out with his family, encourage him to hang out with yours. BUT don't be the kind of MIL whose son-in-law will avoid her, either. If you are truly open minded, be open minded about the man your daughter loves.

Don't expect your daughter to "choose sides" between you, and her boyfriend. She's 21, she's an adult, and she is free to make her own choices. If you don't like her boyfriend's mother, don't spend time with her. If they end up getting married, your daughter may end up not liking her either. It's the boyfriend you daughter is getting involved with, not the mom. My feeling is that after years of it being essentially just to 2 of you (widowed, no other kids), you are having a hard time coming to terms with her becoming more independent and making choices that you may not agree with. Maybe you should ask yourself if you are letting this bother you this much for reasons other than you just don't care for this other woman. Maybe you are afraid of having to give up control and your daughter separating from you and you being alone. Don't hold your daughter back from growing up and living her own life. It's about her, don't make it about you. Find other friends or focus on other people that you enjoy spending time with.

I know it bugs you, but I really wouldn't worry about it. She's still very young. While it may work out, there is also a very good chance it will not. It's completely natural to be thinking in terms of the two of them making a life-long commitment, but it's too soon to really worry about it.

Be there for your daughter. Do what you can to have a good relationship with her. Support her and her relationships. Mothers who are supportive, even of the boyfriends they don't really like, are the ones who have the best relationships with their children in the long run.

My parents have confessed that they really did not like some of the people my siblings and I chose to date. They kept their opinions to themselves and we all figured out in time that those relationships were not the right ones for us.

Be there for her now. She will thank you later.

I believe their is only one person in this life we get to choose to call family(besides friends) that is you spouse. Their family is part of the package. If she can handle it so should you. You may not in the end spend that much time with her. Life takes us different places. Do not risk ruining your relationship with your daughter over Her mother n law.