Daughter Is Having a Major Attitude Change

Hi J.,
I'm a 48 year old mother of an only 12 year old girl. Don't worry too much! At 9, believe it or not your daughter is experiencing hormone changes and mixing with other kids going through similar changes who are all trying new things out. I wouldn't punish too much. Just make clear what your expectations of respect are, for example if my daughter says something in a rude or snappy manner, I repeat back to her what she said in the way I expect her to say it. So, if I ask her a question like "Have you finished all you can eat?" and she just responds with a curt and surly "yes" (which she did just 10 minutes ago), I'll say straight back at her "Yes thank you Mommy", and 9 times out of 10 she'll repeat that back to me! Try taking deep breaths and slowing your responses back when you feel like snapping or shouting at her.

I don't know how much TV your daughter watches, but I found that if my daughter was watching certain types of programs where children were sassy and "cute" towards adults I would get a lot of that behavior from her. I told her that if she continued to behave in that way she would not be allowed to watch those programs. I also pointed out that those shows seems to indicate that adults are stupid and kids know it all, which is NOT how life really works.

Like I say, it's a matter of telling her what your expectations are and how you want her to behave. I also know that if you want to be treated with respect you do have to live that way yourself. Children learn so much from the environment around them, and if they see their parents behaving disrespectfully towards each other or towards others they pick up on it. I'm sure you don't roll your eyes at people, but it is useful just to check in with yourselves and think how you behave to the world.

I have found the books of Anthony E. Wolf very helpful. I know your daughter is a little younger than mine, but it may help you to understand what is going on with her if you read his book "Get Out of My Life, but first could you take me and Cheryl to the mall?". His other book "The Secret of Parenting" I also found useful. There are lots of other books out there, but those are two that were recommended to me that I found good.

Hope this answer isn't too long winded and that it's useful. You are at the beginning of quite a roller coaster ride with your daughter, but I can tell you that the years of 10 and 11 with my daughter were really quite lovely. Enjoy every moment of the good - it provides a great foundation for the rocky road of adolescence which lies ahead.

V.

Your 9 year old daughter must be getting some kind of pay off or she wouldn't roll her eyes. Maybe she's trying to get attention? I'd roll my eyes back at her and make an awful face and tell her thats what you look like when you do that. What do you give her for punishment? Just courious?

So glad to hear it's not just my daughter. She'll be 9 in April and her mood swings started a couple months ago.
Friends and family have guessed hormones. I'm hoping we have a few more years, but puberty started at 10 for me.
I think she's having a hard time deciding if she wants to be a little girl still or a big kid/teenager/grown up.
Her meltdowns occur almost daily and are over usually as quickly as they begin, but there is no reasoning to be had.
When did all of you have "the talk"? Mine is also having so many troubling thoughts at bedtime...death, afterlife, how the world began, babies - where and how, etc... A lot to ask and absorb, especially when you think she's already asleep.
So any advice on those subjects too? Thanks.

Sounds like one of two things:

1. Pre-puberty is kicking in and the hormones are a bit confused! Thus a talk is in order.

2. Something outside of home is spurring this on. Did someone say something negative to her or did they say something that she doesn't know how to process? Did an older boy come on to her? Did a friend dump her?

Have a heart to heart chat with her over hot chocolate and see what is whirling around in her head!

It seems like a lot of girls are maturing earlier these days. Don't rule it out - hormone stuff is ahead! Try to limit the stuff she sees on t.v., too, as it's "cool" these days for kids to be snide to their parents and your daughter may be trying it out! Everyone's in a rush to be a teenager!

I also have a daughter that is 9. She is the youngest of three. She also has a bad attitude. I think they are just testing the waters. Hopefully they will turn out to be good teenages.

have you tried to have a mother daughter night out? like one suggested over hot chocolate, but maybe over shopping and a dinner to make her feel special and make sure her self esteem is still up there, 9 is defaintly a tough age, theres so much going on, they are experiencing new things, and definatly trying to understand their body. she's defaintly testing you, I think every age is a true test, and defaintly DON'T back down and not worry about it, be their for her, not in a negative punishing way but as supportive as you can like, 'go clean your room', if she comes back and says "no, you do it' or , NO and stomps away, say, xXxX listen, your father and I buy you nice things so you can be comfortable and all we ask is that you take care of your things we buy for you, or help around the house, you will get more from being nice, but you won't get any if your mean. I don't know if this helps or anything but, a great talk helps and understanding that you are their for her

Hi J..... Oh yes... My daughter is 10... They are really coming into it.

The first thing I do is make sure she's had enough sleep. Many times this attitude is due to fatigue. (Yes, I know, puberty is coming.) I know it is for me - so why not her?

I have also always closely monitored her friends and influences. This is big. Different houses have different rules and therefore there can be a wide range of acceptable behavior accepted at friend's houses.

Stick close to her. Make sure she knows she's safe with you - that she can bring anything. Again - another huge one.

Good luck!

J.,

JUST KNOW ITS NOT JUST A GIRL THING. I HAVE A NINE YEAR OLD BOY with an only child mentality. He was an only child for 7 years.
1st accept that they are reaching pre-pubity age (that one is hard for me).
2nd Make sure you know everything that is going on in school and with her friends. My son has been bullied for about 1 1/2 years and everything is coming to a head now. And the worst thing is he is a pretty popular and confident kid.
I have had to take him to his Pedi and other doctors as well as get him into counsling. Althought I don't allow this behsvior I do know where it is coming from and it makes it easier to deal with.
3rd if everything is ok there then think back to what we did to our mothers and brace yourself because they say its payback X10

I have an only child also she is only 6 and diong the same things as your daughter. I recently started watching a friends new born and am having more difficulty than before. This week I sat down and talked to her and told her that she was treating mommy badly and it didn't make me feel very good.at the end of the conversation we were in agreemant that for every day she had an attitude she would loose something ie time in web-kinz world which she really enjoys.Also if she had more than one attitude she would loose for 2 days etc.She is now starting to realize that she does not rule the house and we all work together she is also helping with the baby and on occasion she now helps with dishes and laundry.I also try to get her with other children as much as I can
D. D. 42 year old stay at home mom business owner and now part time nanny.

Hi J.,

What wonderful responses!! I too have a daughter who's turning 9 this month and I'm experiencing this new "attitude change"! My son who's 11 however is giving me and my husband an even harder time! Wow! (I don't quite remember being like this...but I'm sure my Mom could fill me in!!)
Anyway, seeking advice from friends and family, I was given a particular book that has been VERY helpful with what may be going on...it's called "The Everything Tween Book - A parent's guide to surviving the turbulent preteen years" It's written by Linda Sonna, Ph.D.
It's fabulous!!! You must check it out!

Good luck,
C.

Hi J..
I have a daughter who is 15 now, but went through the same troubles you are describing. Keep in mind that at this age the "hormones" may be affecting her . I know it seems early, but it is true. Try keeping a record of her moods---Are they all the time or are they occasionally throught the month? Also, "belly" pains may occur at this time too. I took my daughter to the doctor at the age of nine because she always complained of a low belly ache, but it usually was once a month. The doctor thought I was crazy, but at the age of 10 1/2 she started her period. Listen and watch for the signs.
In the mean time, stand your ground and continue to keep the boundaries clear with her, even if they may not seem to work.
I learned later on in nursing school that it is indeed a biological fact that girls start dealing with the hormone issue at this age. Hang in there---M. S. Senior nursing student and mother of 1 girl and 3 boys (all teenagers-yikes).

Might be hormonal. My daughter started menustrating at 9. Check breast buds.

Maybe it's time to sit down with her & mutually arrange expected behaviors,misbehaviors & consequences.

Often, when they've had a hand in the mapping, they find it easier to maintain good behavior, or accept consequences.
Good luck.
Cato

She's normal. 9 years old is like 3 years old. Really. She is individuating in similar ways to how she did then. So ramp up the warmth. She needs to feel her family as a soft place to land but not as confinement. Lots of snuggling times--reading, warm baths, back rubs. Don't push her about little things like being afraid of the dark (if she is), but instead walk with her to turn on the light. Ignore the bad and support her with warmth, and just wait it out. It'll get tons better very soon. Keep your eye on the prize, which is a good relationship with her in later years. Build that in the warm times.

One more thing--just double check that school is okay. If she's being bullied or experiencing some bad social stressors you'll want to know about that & see if you can support her through it.

I don't have any first hand experience since my little girl is 4 and my sons well are boys. But I did as my girlfriend whos daugther that is now 15. She told me to tell you that she had the same problem with her dauther and guess what she got her period just before she turned eleven. She also told me to make sure her Dr is aware of her attiude changes. When she spoke with her dauthers Ped. She received alot of help. Good luck Kindly B.

hey J.~~
man can i relate to this. i have twins and they just turned 13 and i'm dealing with the same thing. My daughter is acting the same way at times. I though maybe it was due to puberty?? Im not sure but im getting the attitude from both of them. they are good kids 95% of the time but its the other 5% that can be unreal & i dont know about you but i've about reached the end of my rope at times. If you get some good advise please share it--i could use it too. good luck

R.

Unfortunately I don't have alot of advice but I am in the same boat. My 8 year old is acting the same way. I've tried everything. I am hoping it is just a phase and it will go away as quickly as it appeared??? She is no fun to be around these days and it makes me sad to think she is so unpleasant.

Congratulations, you are the mother of a pre-teen. Hormones are starting up and she is no longer a 'little girl'. Even if she does not have her period for several more years, she will be starting changes. You can't take her attitudes personally. But you can sit her down and explain -very emotionlessly - that back talk or rolling of the eyes are not appropriate. Choose your battles or the teen years will be nightmares.

I have gotten 3 girls through this. They had the right to express themselves, but not to do so rudely. Sometimes a raised eyebrow was enough to show them it was time to back off. This is not a time for punishment, but a time for talking.The next years are going to be different, and if you keep communication open, even when they don't want it, you will both get through the teen years alive and well.

i think its pre puberty.good luck my daughter still has attitude and shes 17 now. i bought the book its perfectley normal at barnes and noble it did help i bit because she knew it was a hormonal thing, but good god the attitude still kills me!!

As a teacher for 16 years now, I can tell you that the attitude change is pretty normal for a 9/10 year old girl. It ususally coincides with the 5th grade issues like catty girls on the playground who are learning how to be mean and how its feels to be on the other side of that mean-ness. I have found it successful to tell the child that the looks and snaps are hurtful. Then I ask if someone is talking to them like that and how it feels? Unfortunately the rolling eyes will probably continue, but it is an opportunity to keep communication lines open with your daughter so that as even more difficult situations come into her life she feels safe telling you about them. It is not easy for either of you. Remember that.

K. L