Daughter Is 16 Going on 30. - Twin Falls,ID

you need to find out exacly what she means by taking her relationship to a diff level. That could be very scarry. Her dad might think it means one thing and it might mean another. Ya know waht im sayin. if it means she wants to get pregnant and start a family that might get him to have her live with you again but if she thingks she wants to get married then let it ride out. She is young and it will pass.

I am so sorry that you are having this problem. The next few years, no matter what you choose will be very difficult! If she is wanting to take her relationship to a "different level", how old is the boy? You may have to unexpectedly and unannounced go and pick up your daughter and drag her home. Any relationship that is worth moving to a "different level" is worth waiting until you are mature enough to handle the responsibilities and 16 is not that age! You are right she needs to finish her education in a class room, not in real life. You may also need to get the police in Colorado involved to help get her back. She will not like you, but she doesn't have to. But give her even 5 years and she will thank you for stepping in! If she is willing to come back on her own, give her phone time to talk to her boyfriend, but encourage her to get involved in school and she will soon move on to better situations.

Be strong, hang in there, and GOOD LUCK!

My daughter is now 30 and she made the choice to go and live with her mom. With every push we made to get her back the farther away she went. Don't push just listen. Be there. It sounds like you have a lot of sticks in the fire. Two jobs and a fulltime student. I don't mean to be rude but when do you have time for her or the other two? Maybe at this time Dad is giving her more attention. I mean two jobs and a student with study time leaves not much time. Husbands are demanding so when do the kids get any? I would try talking and listening. I liked that response from a few of the readers. You only get your kids for so long are you spending all that time doing something else? Do you even know what she is doing at home?

Who has legal custody? If you do you can make it a legal matter. However they will have a 16 year old decide too or possibly let her have a say so. You can bring it up that you know it is in her best interest that she comes to live back at home with you. If you can prove there is reason to truly be concerned that will be in your favor. All I can say, we all were teenagers once. I know I was bull headed, stubborn and refused to listen to my mom's advice. Like all teenagers I knew better, or so I thouhgt. You can only hope you equipped her with the knowledge and some common sense so she can make the right choices for herself, if she doesn't, well then you did what you could. I am surprised her father isn't more concerned about the situation. I have a feeling too your daughter is trying to push your buttons, very rarely do kids go upfront and tell their parents about what they are going to do beforehand without just wanting a reaction. My advice, let her be, however just really let her know how much you love her, want her to be happy, give her the confidence and love she needs, tell her you will support her choices however hope she is aware that when she makes big decisions for herself there can be consequences beyond her control. Tell her you know she is smart and that she will do what is best. Put it back on her to be the person making good decisions. Don't nag, harp on the negative because deep down she already knows this stuff. If you are really worried, do it through the legal system and get her home!

M., Dad is right. We don't understand. But we have time on our hands. Even if you don't want to, make sure Dad gets her to a doctor and on "the pill". You don't want her to come home pregnant.

This is only February and she is 16. When she and the boy break up, then bring her home then. If you wait till school is out in May or June, she will have found another love of her life so you tell Dad that when she breaks up, she is coming back home.

When you talk to her let her know that you will be there for her when the romance ends. Now that has to come in a conversation that is about how wonderful he is, how she loves him so much etc. You keep telling her that you are so happy for her, but if something happens and they go their separate ways, you are there for her and she should then come home.

Good Luck to you but it won't happen if you don't get her on birth control.

M. b

M., i feel for you...it is a very frightening situation for a mom, because you are picturing the worst, and know what 'could' happen. sixteen is a hard age for parents; parents are still trying to shelter their kids and kids think they are grown-up enough to make decisions. you say you want her to come home, and i can understand that, but you need to do some soul searching. is it what is best for YOU or for HER?

there is education in colorado you know. :) unlike college credits, high school credits work the same in pretty much any state. she can easily finish her diploma in a colorado high school. make sure you and her dad are on the same page about the importance of that. for her to give up finishing high school with her friends, something big (other than a boy) is happening. is she being picked on or harassed at the school in idaho? is it difficult for her to make friends or a change in who her friends were? is she bored in school? is school hard for her?

there is nothing you can do if she is going to take her relationship to the 'next level' with this boy. it sounds like you are not talking TO her so much as AT her. you can make her hide it and sneak around or you can make sure the lines of communication are open when she needs you. you need to think back to your first love (not about the part when you got your heart broken, but the first feelings that this was forever). this is a situation that, depending on how you handle it, will draw you closer together or drive a wedge between you that will last years. tread carefully.

you, your daughter, and your husband will be in my prayers.
D.

Dear M.,

Glad to know you are a Christian. May I ask, do you make time for God? Do you have a church home? That is where I would start. As for your mature 15 year old, sounds like she has lacked supervision, and has too much opportunity for "social time." Have you asked your daughter what her plans are for her future? What her BF has planned for their life together? Have you or your ex met this boy?

My advice is that because she is a MINOR you are STILL IN CHARGE! She is under yours or your ex's roof and should be made to abide by a set of rules until she is 18. If not there is always boot camp.
Take charge of her spiritual life as well. In my home, everyone attends church every week. My teens !5 and 17 do not have a choice, they DO NOT make the rules. My 17 y/o (now 24) left home with a guy, and now has two kids (4 and 2). He decided he does not want to be married anymore. Now she has no home right now. He does not have a job, so no child support. Are you ready for that?

A friend of mines daughter is rebelling (she is 16) and she is threatening running away. Your daughter sounds as if she does her own thing without any direction whatsoever. This is so wrong. If need be, since you don't need the money, let loose of some of your jobs and make a home for your kids. For a Christian, God says "He is first, and your ministry is with your family!" If your daughter rebels, sign her up for Christian counseling, or put her in boot camp. If you don't, then unfortunately, she could end up tragically like so many young girls we see in the newspaper and news.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but these are the facts...I hope you will heed if not my advice someone else's.

If you need a church home Southeast Christian Church on Jordan Rd.in Parker as a great Youth Group.

Blessings,
C.

M.,
oh to be young and in love...yikes...is there anyway that you could go out to colorado...meet the young man and his parents...maybe sit and talk with the young couple about opportunities to visit one another on school breaks...??? Many times long distance will eventually help to fade those intense feelings, but sometimes it lets a couple see that they really are meant to be together...i think if you can talk to your daughter face-to-face and share about your own adventures in young loves and really let her know that you are indeed listening to her...then perhaps you could come to some agreement...also a good discussion on teen sexuality and consequences of early pregnancy/std's/emotional heartbreak might be in order too!...
Good luck...this is a tough one to handle for sure
about me: i'm a tenth grade teacher and a counselor at a crisis teen pregnancy care center...i'd suggest that both the teens see Pam Stenzels video "Sex has a Pricetag"

M.,
It sounds like you really love your daughter, and that would be my advice, if I had any... just to make sure she knows you love her... no matter what decision she makes. Of course, make sure she knows how you feel about it, but also make sure she knows, without a doubt, that her mom loves her no matter what choices she makes, for good or bad. I wasn't that young, but I was the daughter in a similar situation many years ago. My mom realized (she told me this later) that I was going to do what I wanted regardless, she loved me, and wanted to always be a part of my life... so she focused on making sure I knew she loved me, instead of what I was doing. I'm so grateful, and so is she, that she did that. It sounds like you are already doing that... but that your heart aches for her to make the right choice. You are a great mom! And if you're a person who prays, pray for her like you've never done before!

Wow, this is a tough one...as a parent to a 15 year old, and also a woman who at 15 years old met my first love on a summer visit with relatives back East (I didn't want to go home either), I can clearly see both sides of the coin. I didn't have a choice - my mom let me stay an extra two weeks but it was very clear that there was no way I was staying any longer than that! It was really painful when I left, and I cried for weeks after coming home, but I did move on eventually. They guy actually came out to visit me two years later and asked me to marry him...I was so not into him or that idea at that point, but it makes for a good story!

The question is, how do you force a 16 year old to come home if she's happy where she is, especially when her father is supporting her decision? I'm just going to speak about what I think/hope I would do in this situation...I'm not telling you what you should do, because only you can make that decision. All I have to offer is my perspective, so I'll share it with you here.

My 15 year old daughter (also going on 30) is very responsible, mature, grounded, makes good decisions, etc. and I trust that she knows what's best for her - yes, I really mean that. If she said she wanted to stay, I would need to hear that and consider it as a real option. I'm not saying I'd be happy about it, but it is her life and I can't live it for her. My main concern would be that if she's "taking it to the next level" that she was being responsible about it, taking care of herself in it, and communicating openly with me about any questions or concerns she might have about the situation. In other words, I wouldn't force her to come home against her will, I would create a new relationship with her that told her very clearly that I trust her to make the right choice and that I'm here to support her in any way I can. I would plan to visit her and have her visit me on a regular basis, do everything I could to stay connected with her, and most of all, let her know that I love her and support her in her decision.

I hope this helps...it's a really difficult situation and I pray that you will find your way to the solution that brings peace to both of you.

T.

Oh how I pity you.....I could consider myself your daughter. I think I would have (maybe) listened and heard if someone would have said, "This might be the person you are going to marry, it might not. Either way, you will compare this person and any other to your future husband (in more ways than one!). Of course this needs to be said lovingly and best face to face. I know miles play a huge factor. She needs to be rescued for everybody's own good!! I have 12, 9, and 7 1/2 year old girls and so pray that I will be saved from such circumstances. I wish you the best of luck, and will keep you in my thoughts.

This may not help at all, but I think that it is important to remember when dealing with teenagers that they actually have no ability at all to forsee the consequences of their actions. It is not for any reason other than their brains are just not developed enough to allow them to do this. It is unfortunate that they are forced to make such adult decisions without this ability, but such is life. Just make sure that she knows that you love her and will always, even after many other boys to come break her heart.

Such a horrible position to be in! How about allowing her to finish out the school year with dad? But making it clear that she will come home for the summer, you miss her and want to see her! This might still allow her her "love", but while she is back with you during the summer, things can cool down between her and the boy, as they usually do. Make no promises about the next school year, keep it non-commital, so that you can play it by ear. You are right in not wanting to force the issue, teenager girls will just run the opposite way, It is such a fine line to walk, You know the whole " I am mom, you are daughter". Compramise with her, let her feel she has a little say in the issue, I hate to say manipulate the situation, but sometimes parenthood requires a little. Good luck no matter which way you decide!

I totally sympathize with you. My daughter is 17 and has lived with her dad for the last 5 years. I have had pretty much no control over what she does. I live an hour away but I do not get to see her that much she has a very busy schedule. 2 years ago she was seeing this young man and I was not too happy about it and I tried to reason with her but of course got no where. Her dad and I did disagree on a few things. It seems like the more I pushed to reason with her the worse it got until she said she was not coming up to see me anymore. A friend of mine who went through the same thing told me to just back off for a while. So I did. It was one of the hardest things i have had to do. but eventually she saw the "light" I am not telling you that will help in your situation, but I think that the comment that was made in one of the responses is correct that our child may be very upset with us when we make tough choices for them right now but I do beleive that in the long run they will thank us.
hang in there.

It sounds like it is time for some tough love, both for your daughter and your ex.
What are your legal rights? Do you have official custody? A letter from your lawyer may get your ex in line. Saying a 16-year-old is going to take her relationship to "the next level" sounds just too dangerous!
What about your daughter's friends back home? Can they send her letters and emails to remind her of all the great things that are waiting for her?

I hope this helps.

Hi, I'm G. and am 40 years old. I have a 15 year old son and a 19 (almost 20) year old daughter. I am also a grandmother of a 3 month old. On your current situation with your daughter this is my advise (which I give because of what I have experienced); Your daughter is going to do things her way since it sounds like her dad will not give you any support. I would not push the issue and make sure she has gotten protection to prevent any disease and pregnancy. The reason I say this is the more you push her the more she will go the direction you don't want her to go. If you tell her you don't agree with what she is doing, yet will help her get the protection she needs it will open up her communication with you. It won't be perfect but it will be better. These times will be the hardest on you because of what you know as a mother and a woman. You might explain to her that her virginity is a gift and the man she gives it too should be completely worthy of that gift. Once it is given, she can't get it back. I told my daughter that and she was 18 before she had sex. I also got her set up with a doctor to get the pill. On the flip side of that, you can't make them take the pill either. That is why I am a grandmother. Remember, they make better decisions when they have all the information possible, but it doesn't guarantee it. You can only do what you feel it best for you and your daughter and know that no matter how much you do for them they will still make their own decisions and mistakes. Just like us. She just needs to know you have her back and that you love her no matter what decision she makes. My daughter said that was the best thing to know. How much we love her and how it is unconditional.

I hope that helps and doesn't offend you. Good luck and have a good day today. I am sooooo in your corner cheering you on!!!!

Oh, M., I would be very careful. My daughter is 17, she found her love for a lifetime also, they both dream of the eternal life together, all planned out: studies, land, house, how to earn, how to build, and everything, I only pray for it all to work.
I also have several couples i know from my childhood, when they met in their schooltime, and still stay together, one family like this in NYC, two great kids, thy are in their late 40ies, extremely happy family.
My own school-love still writes and calls me, although we both have own families, we're still great friends.
WHAT IF THIS IS A REAL RELATIONSHIP for a lifetime for your girl?
It may be!!! And if they will be taken apart, maybe it won't happen... I would not take such a responsibility to my shoulders, that they'd regret all life, and blame you for their not so happy life.
I'd give this chance to develop on its own.
I'd invite them over to visit, more often, and see how things will go.
In case if your girl's father is fine with her living there, and takes a good care of her, she has school there also, correct, and if he cares, he'll make sure that she does not forget to study even if totally in love.
Please consider seriously your decision, thinking of her like a young lady whose life is not yours but hers, and you are the loving mom who is a supportive and hopefully best advisor and friend, as your relationhips with her will last for a lifetime also, and you do not really want to lose all her trust and respect, only because you want it to be like YOU AND YOU ONLY believe it to be right.
There is a life of two young souls in your hands right now.
I'd first see them, and talk to them friendly, and look at thje situation not as "She is mine" as she is yours anyway, even if half a world apart, if your souls communicate, yet she is not a single bit yours if she lives in the room next to yours yet all the soul-communications quits. You will only see her physical body close, with no real closeness at all.
I'll tell you one more example from my life:
my son was 13, and invited to USA to study computers, programming. We lived in postsoviet territory, in Estonia then. I was cetainly against my son at 13, going anyplace but where I live. We were given 2 tickets there and back and I was told: go see the situation, the family, and if you believe all is well, then you may allow him to stay there. If you don't like the situation after you've seen it, then just both come back home.
You know what happened? My boy stayed here, I allowed, and now it is 12 years later, he is 25, a webdesigner for a huge company, bought a house in Oakland, Sab Francisco, very happy and all is well. On top of it, I am here in the USA also, in Montana now, as both my other two kids wanted to follow after my eldest son. The whole life has changed, only because I stepped over my "mine, my son, won't go nowhere without me at 13" deepest maternal feeling, and trusted the situation, life, people around, and it all turned out the best. In Estonia, we barely started getting computers then, and my boy ;earned there all he could, and had no more options but liked it all so much...
Think about it seriously, dear M., it is a huge step to take right now.
Kids mature much sooner than we'd wish...
Even in case if your girl and her boy won't stay together forever, she will have a great experience of love, and big hopes also, and if it won't work out, you will still forever be her best friend, as you arre the mom, who understood her and supported, and in future there is a big chance that she will again accept you as a friend.
You set up not only her future right now, but your on also, as if to have a daughter for a lifetime, or not, as she may become very frustrated, and so on...
and also consider the fact that frudstrated teenagers are in a huge danger of meeting gangs, joining those groups, taking drugs, alcohol, and such... I am not into scaring you, but I know as i raised two boys and I have a girl just like yours, 17, so this is LIFE, and we need to remember the reality of life, it's best and worst parts included.
Goo luck, all the best to you and your dear girl!!!
I pray for you.
Here are some pictures of the 'heroes' of my story, M., so you can better imagine:
my son, webdesigner:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/niravameen/1777933473/in/set...
he came here in 1996, I saw him in 1998 next time, and then in 2002, we moved all here also,
so now we meet twice a year, and all is really very well.

here is
http://www.flickr.com/photos/niravameen/2148362628/in/set...
my girl, in love, with her boyfriend, he is 21, she is 17,
I know well his family, as I made sure I will be introduced to them, and they are really good people, so there is a hope that they might stay together for a lifetime.

Make a GOOD choice, M.-Mama, dear!!!!

Wow, that is so tough! It seems like one of those situations where whatever choice you make might not feel right. I imagine that making your daughter come home to Idaho will only cause her to be very angry with you and to do some rebelling; I know that's what would have happened with me at that age. Still, you do want her to understand that she is still a child, and can't make grown up decisions yet. Are you totally against her staying with her father a little longer? You know how short lived teen romances can be; maybe she and this boy will be through with each other soon and she will be more happy to return to Idaho then. I wish your ex could be more supportive of you, and help you work this out together, making the best decision possible for your daughter. Good luck.

I had trouble with my daughter when she was that age. We had moved here from Florida, divorced, and knew absolutely no one.
It was very hard for her to make friends and she started to hang out with kids that were dropping out of school. She wanted to do the same, and be "homeschooled." I emphatically told her no. Then to our good fortune when she became a junior in high school, she had a great english teacher that changed her opinion on herself and gave her something to believe in--herself! Kids don't know what they want that is best for them. Now she is 22 and is in college, and thanks me every once in a while for standing strong on that issue. Another point in fact, she lost her virginity at a young age, and this is another thing that she mentions. She wished that she would have remained a virgin until she got married.
They don't realize the consequences of their actions when they are that age. If it were me, I would bring her home with me, and just take all the awful things that will be said to you. It is unfortunate that your ex does not have more wisdom.But I believe that a daughter should be with the mother, for only you know what it is to be a female. One thing that is very important, will you have enough time to supervise her? That was our problem, I worked everyday, and did not know what she was doing after school, as I did not get home from work until 6 p.m. Lots of things can happen to kids that are unsupervised. It's hard. God bless you in whatever you decide.

M.,

Wow, this is a very scarry situation. Who has primary physical custody of your daughter? Seek legal advice from your attorney first. If you do have custody, you might be able to go get your daughter and bring her home. You may have to take your divorce papers along with you and get a police escort when you go pick her up. The downside of this is that she probably will not understand right now. She might even fight you on this decision. Let her know you love her and want the best for her. Being 16 is an awkward age because she thinks she knows right from wrong. Just keep the lines of communication open with her. Spend quality time with her when you get her back home. But being a full time mom plus working two jobs and going to school, will you have time for her once you get her back home with you? This is question you need to think about. Or, will it be better to just talk to her and keep the lines of communication open and find out what taking her relationship to the next level with this boy means. And let her make the right choice. Because you don't want to lose her either. Hopefully you raised her right so far and she will make the right decision. And I hope her father knows what she means by taking this relatioship to the next level with this boy means also and your all on the same page.

I got married when I was 16 and had four children. I was married 17 years and it ended in a divorce sadly. He had and affair with my best friend. So getting married young isn't always the answer. If I only knew then what I know now...

C. C

Hi! Sorry, I can't see what other people have written, so hopefully this isn't too much of a repeat. I have an 18 year old sister who's very headstrong. Either you're going to have to go get her and deal with her "hating" you for a while, or you're probably just going to have to let her make mistakes. As much as we want what's best for our kids, she's to the point where she thinks she's old enough to make these decisions, even though you know she's not. Maybe you could convince her to come home for a visit or a trail period of no less than a month. If at the end of the month she still wants to go back, let her or don't let her. Ultimately it's up to you, but I think a month is long enough for her to back up a little and see things more clearly (and not through a haze of teenaged hormones).

Dear M.,

A sixteen year old is still considered a minor. I know that it is hard to be the parent of a 16 year old; however, you are the parent. If your husband and you agreed that she could live with him for a year, then if the year is up she should come back to you since you have been the one that has raised her for most of her life without the help of her biological father. Sometimes being a parent is to do what we think is right no matter how mad our children get at us.
It sounds like your ex is being more of a friend instead of a parent. Tough love is difficult - but it works.

My proudest moment was when my son told me that he was glad
that I made the decisions I made with him when he was a teenager, even though he did not like it at the time. Your 16 year old has no idea how hard it would be to get pregnant and then have that boyfriend leave. She still has many years of dating left before she really meets the guy of her dreams.
And if she thinks this guy is the guy then he will be there when she is old enough to make the decision to get into a real relationship.

You need to get legal counsel and see what your rights are. If it were me I would not allow my 16 year old daughter to stay with a man that obviously has no parenting skills!