Daughter Going Through a Defiant Stage-help!

Hi C.
Well, my take on defiant is that that is a book term not a life term. The books in my opinion want us to try to correct all the things that are happening to our children, instead of realizing that they are growing up.
So each age where you might see or hear or experience what might be called defiance -- my mom reminded me if they didn't go through that stage they would stay a baby their entire life for it is through testing the boundaries that we grow in wisdom and strength. So told me to call it the next phase of growth to independence. Wow! What a difference it made, because I could then guide them into a new independent stage without "beating them up" for being defiant.
My one son was particularly argumentative and I decided to take the same approach to it calling it debating. When a teacher told me he argued with her I said "oh are you seeing some of his excellent debate skills?" She agreed and set up some dialog and debate classes where he could state his opinions without backlash. That was such a help!!
Sometimes parenting is seeing the negative in a positive light, we do that with friends why not our kids.
Just a thought from the past generations, perhaps it will help you too
God bless you and give you peace
K. --- SAHM married 39 yrs== adult children --- 38, coach; 33, the debater, lawyer, married with our 2nd grandchild on the way; and twins 19, in college after homeschooling one for fine arts and one for journalism & so far both have made Dean's list each semester.

Good for you, your little one has discovered her own mind and the art of debate. Get used to it. LOL Seriously, this is very normal for that age. You need to let her express her opinion, but remind her to be respectful at the same time. Does she fight you about what to wear to school? If so give her choices the night before so she has some control over her life. Let her decide when to do her homework, provided it is reasonable. Give in to some of her debates and if you say no to others, explain to her why. My Mother NEVER explained why, it was always 'because I said so' and it drove me crazy. I tried to always explain why to my kids and sometimes it worked and other times it didnt, but at least they werent left wondering.
Your pre-teen daughter is just beginning her journey to adulthood and you have to learn to pick your battles and to give in on inconsequential things, like one purple sock and one yellow one.

You didn't really give any examples of what is going on that displays defiance. So I will gage my answer in light of your response.

At 7 she should be beginning to formulate her own independent ideas and thoughts. She is able to be cooperative in the other settings because she may have more choices, options and may be a better team player than flying solo. Find other opportunities to create a more harmonious environment in your home by allowing her to make more decisions in her little world. Give her more responsiblities with choices. She can help sweep, dust, pick out her own clothes, choose her snack and breakfast items as examples. Please don't be afraid to let her make mistakes while she is under your protective umbrella. We learn more from our failures than our successes. Continue to encourage her in the positive parts of who she. All of these things will help her and is are great life skill for her to have with the understanding that some things may need to be non negotiable like disrespect and blatantly telling you what she is not going to do. She needs to learn how to respectfully explain her position and live with your decisions regarding her life.

Hi C.,

I think this is a time when she is trying to have some control over her day to day routine. There is nothing wrong with her having an opinion as long as she does so with respect and in a nice tone. She may want some say on what she wears etc. In that case then I would try to have her take part in the decisions as long as it is reasonable. If she is having a hard time at bedtime is it possible she needs a later bedtime? Maybe change up the routine a little. Allow her to read for an extra half hour. That usually will help her to wind down. There is nothing wrong with getting her input and listening to what she is requesting. I find that when you communicate when you are not in the heat of the moment you can accomplish more. On the weekend talk to her about what changes she would like you to consider and discuss them. By giving her some say she will also be responsible for what does not work. I don't think it is giving into her unless you do it when she is being argumentative and talking back. That is when you tell her I will not listen to you unless you talk to me with a proper tone and walk away. I think she just wants to be heard. Communication is really important especially with the upcoming teen years which these days is getting earlier and earlier. Good luck!!

I was having trouble getting my kids ready and out the door for school in the morning. My son is 11 and is able to help, but he dawdles and stalls. My daughter is 3 and has been known to be more helpful than her older brother!

I made a schedule. The hour we have in the morning, from wake up to out the door, broken into 10-minute increments. Wake up. Get dressed. Eat breakfast. Make lunch. etc. There is a column for each of us that shows what we're all supposed to be doing at any given time. My kids wear uniforms so there's no discussion about what they'll wear, but if they did wear street clothes they'd be set out before bed the night before.

Then I set my Pampered Chef digital timer for 10 minutes and it goes off, *stop*, *start*, repeat. It's not like one of those wind up timers that might count nine minutes or 11 minutes because it's not that accurate. 10 minutes is 10 minutes on a digital timer.

I also sometimes dangle a carrot. If we're out 5 minutes early I'll let them have one mini-donut (did you know there's actually less sugar--by weight--on a mini-donut than in a serving of cereal?). 10 minutes early, two. Two is max.