Daughter Excluded from Family Time

Don't forget that this can happen to full sisters as well, especially those so close in age. I would explain to your daughter that sometimes people change, and this often occurs during this time in a young woman's life. Just tell her to give it time, and give your boyfriend's daughter a break. If the other girl does not want your daughter around, that is her right, and your daughter has to be respectful of that - just as sisters have to be. Explain to your daughter that it is NOT a reflection of her or of her personality, it is simply a change in your boyfriend's daughter. Given enough space, she'll eventually come around. This is a perfectly natural progression of events for girls.
Good luck,
A.

Hi C.,
I don't have any direct experience with this but I know my cousin had a little bit when the two families blended into one. the two oldest girls seemed to have nothing in common. Is there anything that you can think of that they might like to do together...scrapbooking, baking, maybe one is good in a school subject and the other could some extra help (that seemed to work for these 2)...anything where they could spend a little time together. Spending time together occasionally and then moving in together are two totally different things. Maybe your step daughter is feeling a little smothered. Try to give them each a little space but then do things as a family were they will be able to get to know each other better. You mentioned that you like the outdoors...maybe there's a 'girls' weekend available through the DNR...Although i think most of the "Becoming an Outdoors Woman" are only open to 18 years and up...you could look into it though. I hope this helps a little.

I would caution you against telling your daughter that this is about her being too energetic, as she sounds like a delightful spirited child who haas done nothing to warrant this type of exclusion from her "new" sister. What a bummer for her, especially since she is so enamored of your bf's daughter! If you excuse the bf's daughter by telling yours that this is because of her energetic nature, I think you are doing a huge disservice to your daughter, who may start to believe that her personality is somehow flawed. Of course I am not sure in what context you told her that, but it just caught my attention and I felt like i needed to respond. This is an issue, from what I can tell, that needs to be addressed with your bf and his daughter and what type of behavior (respect, house rules, etc) are expected at home as you become a family. You not standing up for your daughter and instead putting the focus on her energetic nature will only complicate things between you all. I apologize if this sounds too tough love and acknowledge that I am only getting a fraction of the picture, but I couldn't help but chime in. Good luck!

You can't. Sorry. I would be your boyfriend's daughter and my sister would be your daughter in this situation. I love my sister dearly but when we were that age (19 months apart) I just couldn't stand her. She was too much. After a few years we started to get along a lot better. Preteens/teens are going through tough times and to try to force a friendship is irresponsible. Sometimes people just don't get along. However, you should discuss this as a family and indicate that while it is ok to spend time with friends it is not ok to be rude to each other and that during family time (which should include you, the girls and the parents not just the girls) you will behave as a family. But don't try to force them to be BFF.

If your two daughters have different personalities and can't seem to get along - don't force the issue. It will only make it worse. At this age (I have a 12 yr old) girls have a hard time getting along with girls their age if they don't have something in common. Something may have happened where your step daughter is upset about something and if you can try to find out what it is it may help but you really can't force them to spend time together. They may appreciate each others differences later on when they are a bit older but for now make sure they act decent to one another but don't force them to spend time togehter. Your daughter may be hurt but if she's energetic she'll find a way to adapt. Good luck

I would encourage your daughter to get her own friends and move on. Trying to make his daughter to spend time with your daughter when she doesn't want to is only going to open up more problems then you are ready to deal with. Maybe eventually they will find a middle ground and become friends again, but I would let them find it themselves.

Sometimes a more introverted person (I cringe to hear anti-social) just feels overwhelmed by the energy of the more extroverted types. You can't change personality types, and you can't value one type over another - both have their strengths. What you can do is help each girl respectfully take care of their needs. The quiet one needs to kindly let the other one know when to back off, and the more talkative one needs to respect that request. If the quiet one isn't given the chance to "protect" herself from the onslaught of talk from the other one, she may very well become rude out of desperation. An introvert gets her energy from within - others drain it from her. An extrovert needs other people to recharge her energy - and gets drained being alone. These are inborn characteristics.

Lots of siblings go through a time when they don't want to have much to do with eachother. Even though they are close in age and both girls doesn't mean they are going to be close all of the time. I wouldn't pressure your daughters to spend time together, but I would try to do things as a family like making dinner or going out or watching a movie, just make sure everyone comes.

Please don't put the blame on your daughters enegentic nature. It is personality differences and the boyfriends daughter liking the power of making your daughter react. My sister use to do the same thing to me. She is a year and half older and would always tell me I wasn't old enough to do this or that with her, but she always included my cousins who were my age or younger. First of all you need to sit down with your boyfriend and make rules to be followed by everyone in the household about respecting each other and what happens when you don't. Next you need to sit down with the family in a family meeting and talk about what the rules are and what happens if they don't follow it. It isn't pointing fingers to either girl this way. Next, remember if you make the girl play with your daughter, she will resent your daughter and you and then life for both of you will be horrible. Instead of doing that, get your daughter involved with other people. Surely she has a best friend or some friends to hang around with if she is outgoing. Let her develope her own interests while his daughter develops her own interests. Explain to your daughter that nothing is wrong with her if she gets pushed away, she is perfect the way she is. By telling her that her nature can be too much for anyone is only going to make her self conscience and insecure.

I think if she stops getting the reactions from your daughter and isn't made to spend the time with your daughter, she will be more willing to. This is an age where you tell them they can't do this or they have to do this, they will fight it just because they want the choice instead of being made.

Good luck.

I had a similar issue with my sister at times. It happened the most in Highschool. We were only 2 grades appart and her friends liked hanging out with me. My sister didn't like that and tried to exclude me as much as she could.

On one side, I'd say, be happy, they're acting like real sisters.

But on the other hand, I can completely understand how your daughter feels.

Has she tried talking to your BF daughter and asking if there's something she did wrong? Not that she did, but it might open the lines of commmunication a bit.

Do they attend the same school? Are they in the same grade or are they year apart? If so, there may be peer pressure issues at play here, but you just don't see it because the playing field is at school rather than home.

If the girls already belonged to "cliques" or there is "playground" politics at play, your two daughters may never be friends.

While parents like to believe they know what their kids are like (behavior wise) when they're away from home, there really is no way to be sure. Perhaps one of the girls is into a "faster" lifestyle such as experimentation with boys and drugs, or is more focused on social climbing, and the other girl isn't, gravitating more toward academics, self-development etc. What you are witnessing maybe a battle of wills and values...or a power struggle for dominance in the pecking order of cliques at school. Only the two girls themselves really know the answer to that question. They may or may not freely share with you if you bring it up for discussion. But don't count on it. They're probably biding their time while trying to spare you and your boyfriend undue angst until they know where your relationship is headed.

While what I present is just an example of one possible dynamic, whatever the differences are, such a varience in lifestyle goals can really be divisive. And to force the two to be friends will only cause the girls to feel resentful and possibly in the longrun sabotage your relationship with your man by creating an atmosphere of divisiveness.

To add complication to the issue, because you do not mention if marriage is a possiblity or in the works, there is no incentive for the girls to take the living arrangement seriously or to feel a need to work at making the relationship work. While you have chosen to live together as a family, it might still not seem to be "permanent" enough of a move to make them feel obligated to work together as a traditional family might.

There is also the melding of two developing value systems to consider too. Your girls are at that magic age where they are starting to decide "who they are" and "what type of person they want to be." Remember prior to the one girl becoming your "stepdaughter" she has been influenced not only by her clique of pals at school, and her father(your boyfriend, but also her biological mother.

There is no way to know what the girl and her mother talk about when and if they are together...and no way really for you to know if she's less than happy with this new living arrangement. The one thing you can count on is her loyalty to her own mother. Short of her mother being the biggest witch in the world, she's going to probably hold her mother and what her mother values (morally, friends, life choices etc.) in high esteem. Don't discount the possibility that she's sized you and your daughter up, and has decided she might just have the power to put an end to a situation she and possibly her mother don't approve of.

I agree with another poster. Encourage your daughter to make her own friends and put little credence in the ill-treatment and exlusive behavior of the other girl. Do not put pressure on them to be friends.

From my own experience in trying to bring two opposites together (growing up, I had cousin who had to come live with me because her parents went through a very nasty divorce) it is nearly impossible to bring two ideologically different people together. Especially in a situation complicated with issues such as divorce or separation which was me and my cousin's case.

We never got along since birth as her mother had a very different value system than my mother. She resented my mom and me... she thought we were "boring and geeky" since my mother was very into her faith, very strict with us morally speaking.

While with us, my cousin lived a "secret" life and had all of our common friends turn on me. She too was sullen and moody. She never talked in full sentences to anyone. I'd hear about what she thought of us at school where I was labled and treated like the goody-goody thanks to her because I didn't agree with, nor find any interest in the activities she was into.

Our extended family couldn't understand our relationship which was wrought with tension and fights. Though her mother asked my mother to help out, her mother and her made my mother and I miserable...it boiled down to ideology. It was a turf war but on a mental level.

While there was no battle for the affection of a man in our situation such as yours, there was a power struggle between the two moms as to who was living "right" etc. I think aunt felt guilty that things in her life got to a point where she needed to send her daughter and son to live with my parents. A loving decision, but she wasn't happy about it.

In your case, your boyfriend is the central focus of this struggle between the women in his life. The girls may be wondering `Who is going to win him and his affection..permanently?' Remember it is the nature of children to want their biological parents to be happy...but happy together. Even if separation and divorce were unhappy..they always hope someday their parents will work it out. Perhaps your boyfriend's daughter is threatened by the move in...because now reality is sinking in. Even if her mother has moved on to a new relationship, she could still have issues.

In my story, it was a long miserable relationship through high school for us. We didn't even talk to each other at holiday gatherings! We only talk once in a while now. But it's strained.

In your case I say save the family building exercises for when and if you know this is arrangement will lead to a permanent decision. It will be easier (emotionally speaking) for everyone involved. Mostly because then you'll know the emotional investment is worth it. Otherwise, expect the girls to go their own way, and just remember to be your own children's best champion, though you mean well to show love to the other girl. I just say be wary and keep an open eye for your own!

You have no way to really know