26 answers

Daughter Dating Loser Boyfriend!

I have a beautiful daughter who is 24 years old and ever since high school she has dated one needy loser after another. Her heart gets broken every time and each time she meets someone new, they always seem to be nice at first but then she finds out they lie, they cheat, etc. The last guy she dated on and off for 3 years. His mother and father both have died, so I know she feels sorry for him and beleive me,
he uses the guilt trip on her and it works. This guy is 28 years old and has even admitted to her that his Dad (when alive) always told him that it was easier to lie than to tell the truth. (Great advise, huh!?) My daughter and I are extremely close and always have been. She knows and has admitted to me that she realizes this guy is not what she wants, but she said he is a comfort to her for some reason and she finds it hard to break away. He can't keep a job, he doesn't own or rent, he now lives with a cousin, he doesn't have any money, he continues to lie to her.. I mean, I asked her " what do you see in him? He can be charming but come on, you need more than a heart, you need a brain too - remember the wizard of Oz? I throw a bit of humor in there, but truly, this situation has really taken its toll on me. I want so much more for her life than this. I encouraged her to start counseling, which she has begun. I am praying so hard that this helps her and that she realizes her potential and doesn't waste any more time with these type of guys. Has anyone else experienced this type of situation with their daughter(s) and if so, did they finally come around and realize that they could do so much better and did they finally see the big red flags? I have had many talks with her and have exhausted all efforts but will never give up on her. My daughter is a very smart girl, just
not when it comes to dating, obviously. Any advise?

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I was alot like your daughter.Finally at age 27,after a string of one loser guy after another I finally made a change.I finally gave up Mr exciting- bad boy and went for a stable nice guy.I guess,I had to get in enough pain to try the nice guy. Almost 18 years later we are still married. We have two little boys 7 and 5. We started out as friends first because he was just too nice, no drama. Big change for me. Your daughter hopefully will come around.She just needs to be sick and tired of being sick and tired.Counseling will help a lot.She is lucky to have you as a mom.

3 moms found this helpful

Have you thought that she may have some underlying problems with her self esteem or lacks the confidence in herself and just does'nt want to be alone?
I have 3 daughters and each has had errors in judgement. They will come to their senses eventually, so stick with her and keep encouraging her to choose wisely. I did ask my girls why they thought they were'nt worthy of a decent man and that made them start thinking!!! Two out of the three are now married to good men. So just keep telling her she is worth much more than him and maybe she will finally get it!

2 moms found this helpful

Some of our 8 children have stuggled with this problem in the past. I also help woman like this, or their concerned parents, through the work I do. The first thing to realize is that you can never change someone else. You can only change yourself. By doing that the people around you respond differently to you and start to change also. I work with people everyday who come in wanting to change someone else. It is so freeing to them to learn to deal with the fears on their own level and to give responsibility back to the person who they wanted to change. It is good that you are close and can talk. Knowing your fears can be a important part for her to figure out this problem. But it is her problem to figure out. If you do it for her she can not learn what she needs to learn. Counseling is a good thing if you have the right counselor. There are also more alternative methods that can help speed the process along. Let me know if you want to hear more along these lines.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't think there is any real good answer or advice for your situation, not that there is not a light at the end of this tunnel. My sister is in EXACTLY the same situation and she has four beautiful girls with this idiot. She has been the soul support for her family for the 13 yrs they have been together. In that 13 yrs he has worked probably a total of 3 yrs! She was going to kick him out and then his dad got sick so she said she would wait until he was thru that to leave, then he died, he was a saint. So now his drinking probably is worse and he always using that as an excuse. So anywho there is the back story. . . The more I pushed my sister the more she resented me. She even went as far as not speaking to me for 3 yrs even though she agreed with me! She did the same to our mom. Now I have learned to be gentle in what and how I say things and now she is ready to leave him again and all we can do is be there and support her and give her whatever she needs. It is a human flaw that the more people tell is something/someone is bad for us the more we want to prove them wrong, even though we know they are horrible for us. I did the same thing to my mom growing up. Then when I pulled my head out of the sand I met my WONDERFUL husband now of 12 yrs. Sometimes the harder we push for something the more we get the result we don't want. Just be patient, supportive and trust that she is the smart and loving person you know she is who deserves better.

2 moms found this helpful

I can imagine how upset you are because you want what is best for your daughter. Talking her into counseling is the best thing in the world for her. If she stays long enough, she will find out what the underlying facts are that cause her to keep picking this kind of guy, time after time. When she unlocks this emotional problem, she will start looking for different types of men.

I hope this comes soon for you and her, then she will feel strong enought to dump this current loser.

Best of luck

2 moms found this helpful

My guess is that she is/was not close to her dad. Girls that grow up longing for a relationship with their dad often date losers. If there is a dad, or an uncle, or a grandpa that can step in and mentor her, spend time with her, and tell her how special she is, that would help. Something my mom always taught me was to never be with a man that treats his mother in a way I don't want to be treated, or a man that has a father that treats his mother badly. A boy learns how to be a man from his father, and how to treat a wife from his mother. He may be able to change for a little while, but they usually go back to the bad behavior. Something I learned from almost marrying a guy I KNEW was wrong was to treat every dating experience like a job interview. If at any point you realize that you would/should not marry this man, GET OUT! Staying with someone because they are fun or comforting even though you know you don't want to marry them is dangerous because you get too comfortable to leave. It is also essential that your daughter learn how to be without a man and who she is without a man. She needs believe she deserves better.

My philosophy is that all girls need to date at least one jerk so they recognize a good guy when he comes. They key is not to marry him.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't have a daughter this age yet, but I do have 2 girls that will be this age soon enough! I have however, experienced this kind of thing with a very close friend when we were in our 20's. A lot was insecurity and self love and respect. She didn't feel like she was worth getting a man that showed some independent strength and success. The other thing was she needed to be needed and needed to have a boyfriend. I think that she equated the being needed with love. She was searching continually for a fullfillment of some type. I think the fact that your daughter is seeking counsel is great. I hope she can grow to love herself enough to expect the love she deserves from others. It is so nice that you can talk with her. I hope for the best for you two.

2 moms found this helpful

My daughter was the same way! There was nothing I could do or say. She was just an absolute loser magnet. One day she decided to join the Marine Corps which has been GREAT!! She is surrounded every day now by people who are doing something good with their lives. She is working on her education while she is learning a new career while in the Corps too. Now the guys she brings home are very nice, very well mannered and every last one of them has a good job as a US Marine! She has built self confidence she never had before and now attracks winners in the civilian world too!! It has been amazing and I couldn't be prouder of her!!

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