Daughter Caught Reading Sex Web Iste - Desperately Need Advice

You are not a failure and you did over react. You have probably scared her to death and made her feel ashamed for a natural curiosity. I understand that you raised her in the church, but people in the church have sex also.
My biggest fear is that you might have just shut down any open dialog that you might have once had. Just because you have the sex talk with her, doesn't mean that her questions were answered. What 13 year old can ask their mother the REAL questions? I'm 27 and I can't.
By becoming so enraged that you wanted to hit her (even if you did not) you where not thinking clearly. Maybe sending her to her room and counting to ten, and praying for help and strength is a good first step, before banning things and putting her on lock down.
I also do not believe that a parent (or anyone else) should MAKE a child go to confession. Confession is a sacred sacrament that is between that person and God and no one else. Explaining why this is wrong is one thing, but forcing repentance is another. You can suggest it, but forcing it is not what the sacrament is about.
Would you rather her read about what she really has questions about, or find herself in a situation that she cannot control because of her curiosity? I think that she did act as responsibly as a 13-year-old can.
I would suggest maybe apologizing for you’re over reacting and explaining why you had this reaction. Parents don't often apologize and this will go a long way to repairing your communication.
Yes, you should monitor her computer use, and you should monitor the relationship with this friend. I think that the allowance is unrelated.
Good luck and let God lead you through this.

I can understand why you freaked out. I am sure she is a good girl, but she is also a curious girl. She is looking for information or is curious about things other people may be talking about and she does not understand.

Others have responded that you need to have an open door to her. She needs to hear from you about how you feel so that then she can tell you how she feels. My mother was very open about sex and about her expectations (wishes & hopes) for me. This made me feel like I could ask her anything. I did speak with her about sex. My mom told me that my aunt was pregnant when she got married and ended up dropping out of school. I was shocked. She told me how the whole family came together to help her and her teenage husband then raise my cousin. But then she told me how they had to work many jobs and have always struggled.

Have an open conversation with your daughter. Ask her what she knows. Ask her if she has questions. Ask what her friends say about sex. Do not ask their names. Try not to judge. Tell her about how you have learned about choices and how it can affect your life. Then ask her what she would like out of life. If she wants to go to college or play sports or has dreams, speak with her about how getting pregnant or catching a life altering disease can throw that all out the window just from sex. Talk about reputations. About trust.

You are a good mom. Your daughter is having normal curiosity. Tell her your disappointed but that you still love her and want her to speak with you about this subject. You can do it. I am sure she does not want to disappoint you.

At this age, in this day & age, and I do apologize, but, you probably have to accept that some of her friends have experiemented already. I do not believe that her being curious and reading this was anything more than curiosity. You raising her in a church, teaching her not to, or, being harsh about sex will not keep her from doing it if she feels pressure from her friends doing it. But, you cannot keep her from her friends either unless they are making her feel like she has to do bad things herself.
Tyra Banks did a survey of teenage girls around the country, and, the statistics were very suprising about what these young teens are involved in these days. Many of them raised just like your daughter. It does not mean you are a bad parent if your daughter does things, it just means that this is a different world they are living in. It is very scary (I have two daughters myself who will be teens one day). But, sheltering them is not the way to handle it. While I understand it may have been very nasty stories on this site, she must be desperate to learn more about the subject. I was curious myself at a very young teen age, but, raised with enough morals to not do the deed until I was with someone I truly though I loved, and, out of high school just about. I had too much respect for myself thanks to my parents that I wanted to save that about me. But, it did not stop me from being curious still. I found books, (we did not have internet back that), that had nasty stories, and, I read them. It was just me simply being very curious about what all the fuss was about since I was not interested in doing the act myself.
I do think that forcing her into confession is a bit harsh, but, we do not do that in my denomination so I am sure it is something I would not understand. I just feel as if it should be something that she makes the choice to do if she really felt it was wrong. But, being curious is not wrong in my opinion if she is wanting to learn more about it all.
I also think that you need to have a true heart to heart with her about this. Ask her what she is curious about, and, do not be afraid to give her real answers, and, be open with her.
I promise you that this is not the same teenage years we had growing up, and, we will be forced to have talks with our kids that our parents didn't have to have with us.
The only way to help prevent your daughter from doing things SHE may regret (not necessarily what you do not want her to do, that will just make her want to more), is to understand and know her. Make sure that she feels comfortable enough to talk to you about everything she is feeling. And, last, but most importantly, DO NOT punish her for being curious, or, having feelings that she cannot control. Remember being a teenage girl yourself, and, I'm sure you will understand what she is going through.
Here is the recap page from that Tyra show:
http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/showrecaps/archive/111408.php

I think you are over reacting just a bit. Did you not read the Judy Blume books when you were a young teenager?.. I am sure in this day and age the reading material is a lot more explicit, but as a teenager once one friend starts reading this stuff and tells their friends, with peer pressure and just plain natural curiosity, they are going to want to read it themselves.. I am sure she didn't understand 3/4 of what she was reading.. The more you shelter her and punish her, the more she is going to want to rebel and her curiosity is going to intensify. Taking away computer rights was smart, considering she went beyond what her set limitations were and purposedly broke the rules... I would calmly and openly discuss this reading material with her, and ask her how much of it does she really understand and have the sex talk with her again, explaining that sex is a very important act of life, but not until you are much much older, and all this stuff she is reading is not really true and really not what sex is about.. That someone likes to make this stuff up.. The harsher and stricter you are, the more she is going to rebel and her curiosity is going to get stronger.. Best to be so open with her. I have a friend who is a social worker and has a 12 year old and she talks to her about EVERYTHING so that when her daughter does get curious about something, she is comfortable talking to her Mom about it... and her Mom never lies...

Good luck,
J.

M..
Ok, you might not like what I have to say, but put your pride aside and just listen with a logical mind-set for a minute.
You are perfectly validated in your discussed for what your daughter did ~ I would be shocked and hurt as well.
BUT...you really need to read the book Boundaries and apply it here. I don't know you so please forgive me. but it sounds as if most of your anger is coming from thinking that you do not have complete control over your daughter. Yes, she did wrong, i agree. Yes, she should be punished, I agree. But if you handle this with anger instead of sitting her down and finding out why she did it, then there will be feelings of resentment, abandonment, unacceptance and conditional love that she will feel from you which will only lead her to do more rebellious stuff. While 13 is still young, and I don't think that parents should be their kids "friends", they are vulnerable to their peers. If she goes and tells her friends at school what your reaction was, they will probably only highten her insecurities and anger towards you, and you don't want that!
Remember what it was like to be 13? The confussion, the wanting to be accepted????? It is a rough time. My mother alienated me and made me feel ashamed for everything I did when I was a teen, and I was a really good kid. She did this in the name of God, but really it was because she didn't want to relinquish control over me and my individual-ness. Love and respect your daughter for who she is. She knows what she did was wrong, she knew that while she was doing it. Obviously she is either curious, confussed, or under extreme peer pressure to have done that. Sit her down, let her know you love her UNconditionally no matter what, and ask her to explain what it is she needed to find out. Don't judge her by her answers. Don't put her on the defense. Don't display fear or shock by her answers...let her talk. Talk to her like a person and pray for guidence ~ and then give her some. Do not EVER hit her out of anger. (I realize that you didn't hit her. I'm just sayin')
You mentioned trust. Give her a reason to trust you too. Perhaps you have made her so afraid of you by your reactions that she feels she cannot go to you with her curiousities or problems. You will win this battle best by BEING square with her, not squaring OFF with her.
One more thing, you said you felt ashamed of your daughter and that YOU were hurt and that SHE took the trust away...think about these things you feel and take them to God. A parent should always be proud of their kids no matter who or what they are or believe. You should make your children understand what is right or wrong and let them feel ashamed on their own for what they do that is wrong, but it is not your job to feel ashamed OF them or FOR them. That is conditional love, and there is no fixing the situation, or any others that will surely arise, if you can't fix the conditions you have over her. I might be wrong, but it sounds as if you are more concerned with what others will think of YOU rather than forsaking all others and their judgements for the sake of your daughter. Take this to God, ask Him to show you the way and to open your heart in a loving way towards your daughter's needs. HER heart needs to be your only focus here, not yours.
I'm sorry this is so long, I feel very passionate about this. Please understand that it was written out of love and a Christian heart.
God bless, I will have you and your daughter in my prayers.
D.
M.,
I did not read your section on "So what happened" or the other responses first. I am very sorry. Understand that I am trying to connect with you mother to mother and mother to daughter ~ I am not judging. I was going to delete this, but I want you to have the choice to take from this what sounds right for your situation and to discard the rest.
God bless. It sounds like you handled it brilliantly!

I think she's just curious. And I know that your reaction is a natural one but so is her curiosity. This isn't a trust violation issue. To punish her for this is somehow not really fair to her. You may have had the "sex talk" but she may have more questions that HAVE to be answered. All she is going to learn from punishing her is that sex is somehow dirty and a bad thing. Don't give her a complex this early in life that she will carry to her later years. If she doesn't get the answers to her questions from you, you can see where she is going to get them from, right? Instead try sitting down and talking to her about what she read. She might just have some questions in her head that, while they may be embarrassing to you, are just simple and normal ones for her. It might be hard to get her to open up since you probably scared her a little with your initial reaction but you need to keep talking to her. Let her know that what ever you talk about during your conversation(s) is a safe topic and she won't get in trouble for talking about things that she's previously been told were bad. She's going to read your emotions and reactions closely during this conversation so be ready to count to 10 a lot. Be honest with her about what she is reading and make sure she understands that what she probably read is just fantasy. Explain about loving relationships and how important they are and how sex is suppose to be a part of that kind of relationship.

Trying to force her to keep her head in the sand when sex is staring her in the face everywhere she goes, when your not around to block it, isn't going to work. All the faith and confession in the world isn't going to work either. Don't give up on that because it's a great foundation for her but don't believe it's going to fix this problem for you. Only your honesty and willing openness with her will. She's going to get this information from somewhere. Better you than the internet or some hot under the collar boy sniffing around her.

Take action but stop punishing her. She didn't lie, cheat, and steal. She read something she shouldn't have read. God will forgive her for her curiosity and so should you. GIve her back her friends and allowance and tell her you overreacted. There is nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake to your child. It teaches them the art of admitting when they are wrong. Might be another good lesson in there for her. I would still monitor her computer activities more but let her know you are doing this but not to punish her but to protect her. She may not like that but she will have to deal with it. And lastly I would talk to the parents of the girl who passed around this info. They may not know she's been reading this stuff too and might want to.

Take a deep breath. Open your mind to the 2008 teenager. You'll be fine.

Good Luck.
Jen
http://www.mommysjoy.com

Wait a minute! You've already taken this way too far! yes, it's inappropriate for a 13 year old, but she's getting curious and is going to find out about it somewhere! If not on the computer, there are PLENTY of books out there, easily available, for her to read the same things. Have you ever read a Dean Koontz book?! Yes, ground her from the computer for a while and if you feel you need to, take her to confess, but taking away her allowance and banning her friends is too much. You're teaching her now that sex is bad. PERIOD. If you ever hope to have any more grandchildren you need to teach her that sex in a marriage is not only good and right but enjoyable. (Oh my God, how could she say that?) Coming from someone who was scarred at 9 years old by parents telling her never ever, it's not ok - it's really difficult to have a good marriage if you think sex is bad and forbidden. TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER. Tell her it's inappropriate and you're disappointed, but back off a little. Don't you remember being a kid?!

The only thing I can really say is- think back to when you were 13 years old. The friend proabably put alot of peer pressure on her to know about these things. Now days it is so much easier to obtain information via the web- but kids are curious....If you make this really embarrasing for her- she will just get better at hiding things from you. It is not the end of the world- I understand that you are mortified- but kids now days are so much more de-sensitized (sp) to violence and sex. It will be awhile before you can trust her again- but these are the years where you have to be careful to not make her afraid to communicate with you.
I would talk to her and just explain that you freaked out at first because she is your baby- and you just can't believe that she is looking at sexual material online. That what she did was wrong- but that you still love her and if she ever needs to talk to you about anything you are there for her. Please do not make her feel that sex is dirty- because that will surely cause her to clam up in the future. You can tell her that sex is reserved for marriage- but don't put fear into her about the situation....

You are not a failure! You did the best you could- you were shocked! Kids will be kids- just like you and I did things that we look back on and can not believe we did.

Just pray that God will keep His hand of protection on her- and that she will learn from this.

you are doing fine! Hope this helps-

I agree with all your other responses here, in one way or another. I think the biggest challenge you have is to keep the doors of communication open. Let her feel free to ask you anything, and dont silence her or make her feel guilty for wanting to know more than she knows. That's natural. If she feels she can come to her mom for information, the one person in the world who loves her unconditionally, without fear of judgement, you have achieved more than most moms can ever expect and she will be less inclined to look for answers in other sources that could be harmful. I was raised in a very strict Christian home and I didnt ask mom enough because I didnt feel comfortable with those questions. When my daughter started asking questions, I did everything in prayer asking God to give me the words to tell her and the patience I needed to calmly answer some of those 'tough' questions. She is an absolutely amazing young woman now, and at this point in our lives, we are not only mother/daughter but she has become one of my best friends. And yes... there can be a time when that is healthy too. You and your daughter are in my prayers as you seek guidance in this situation... and all those still to come!

Well, I am so happy to hear that you went to God for direction.

Girls will get their confidence from their fathers - the first man in their life. Try and get your husband to tell her how special she is, how much she is adored. Have him be very honest with her about some boy's intentions and why sex is so special between a husband and wife. Even though he is out of state - he needs to have date night with her every week for 30 minutes over the phone. Just the two of them. Have him pray for protection. His presence is critical... even if it is letters that he sends her, calls just between them, etc.

Have him show here how to be treated like a lady. Have him build up her expectations of what a good Christian man does.

If she feels like she can't come to you with her feelings, then she may stray again. It is more important that she developed a different mind set about sex vs. being punished for what the world has shown her she should do.

the most important thing is to pray about this. So often we react, get scared, and try to control our children but when we get on our knees and listen to God's direction, we can come with Mercy and Grace that the person needs... especially our children in this confusing world.

I hope this helps - it sounds like you are doing great and I encourage you to keep going!

First off, you are not a failure! You have a teenage daughter with hormones that can do things to even the best kid that makes their behavior a total surprise. As a friend of mine said, at this time in a kid's life, it's like the left side of their brains have fallen out. It's a tough stage for any parent (and child) to deal with and I think the best thing you can do is to constantly reinforce your morals and values. I believe your discipline was a bit much though.(maybe only the computer use and only that in a highly visible place with supervision?) I think your daughter needs to understand that it wasn't so much that she went on a website she wasn't suppose to, but that she found a way around it knowing that you had blocked it. I agree with the other responses.. you have to keep the lines of communication open and since she seems curious regarding sex, discuss what she read with you. I talk about sex when ever there's an opportunity.. watching tv etc.whether my daughter response or not. After four years of doing this (she is now 16), she feels comfortable enough to ask me any questions she has. Just make sure your daughter understands that once trust is broken, it has to be earned and it won't necessarily take a few mos.I've also found that disappointment in them is much more effective over anger.
Hang in there~ it will get better!

Hi, I pretty much agree with everything written so far. I just wanted to add that this is just the beginning of your daughter finding out about the world. She's going to have a lot more decisions to make ahead in her young life. We all want to raise our children to have good values but we also want them to feel like they can talk to us about anything. We want to be a soft place for them to land when they make their mistakes. Reading a pornographic site has to be a pretty normal thing for a teenager. You are not a failure because your daughter has a natural curiosity about sex. She's 13! Instead of banning her from everything that she loves, you might want to have an open conversation about why it's not a good idea to give yourself away indiscriminately. That although many messages we see in the media show women who are empowered by sexual liberation, sometimes all of that "empowerment" leaves you feeling used, alone and empty inside. She is precious and should treat her body that way. Sexual feelings are natural and normal and let's face it, FUN but only when you are really ready. Your values may require marriage for a sexual relationship. That's great and a really safe way to approach life. But your daughter may make other choices. You might want to give some thought to the idea of helping her to feel safe and protected and loved, even when she makes decisions that go against what you personally believe. We don't own our children and we can make them believe what we believe. We can just try and help them become the best version of themselves that they can be. And sometimes, to learn, you have to make a million mistakes! Good luck to you! You sound like a wonderful caring Mom who is doing her very best.

Darn it is hard to be a parent! I totally understand your anger with your daughter! I am the mom of 3 grown kids and my daughter made some interesting choices as a teen. Long story! But this I can tell you. You do not have to agree with what she did. Telling her about your disappointment in her is important. She should want to please and respect your values. BUTTTTTT! She may not - as she in entering that please myself and my friends stage. Don't loose her now and you can! Punishment is what I used and I think it did push my child away more than I knew. Don't go there for the sex stuff she looked at but rather for the misuse of the computer. TRY,TRY to keep anger out and just relay the disappointment. Of course there should be consequesces for her action but don't go to far, it will push her away. I really think that one of the teaching moments from this will be when you tell her that you were so shocked that you LOST IT and that you have gathered your thoughts and would like to modify your punishement or ask for her understanding and take time to explain a bit about who these people are in the movies or photos. Most were abused and most are taking drugs to get through the day and few are happy with themselves and how you do not want that for her! Take her to lunch. Spend time with her and do not discuss this at that lunch. Play and laugh. Win her back-NOW! Then please bring her dad into this and have him spend some time out with her. He should take her shopping for your Christmas gift and then do lunch or dinner. Maybe he can let her buy something a bit fun and silly for herself that you would not get her! This relationship will SOOOOOO matter over the next few years. He can guide her the most in what she should expect from guys and not to give herself to freely to these hormonal boys. Do tell her that she is worth more than what these girls and guys are doing on the sites she saw.

All turned out ok at our household but it took a long time and I know over all that we did good parenting but messed up sometimes with over-reactions and punishments that I can see clearly now and could not have seen during the run-away days that we went through. Standards are OK-don't give them up. Consequences are great but don't go to far.

MOM of 3! 2 were adopted and then the 3rd was a surprise and is home grown ages 25,23,20. Grandma to a 3 yr old. Two of my kids served in the Marines and my oldest has been recalled and is in Iraq now. 3rd child is away at a private university and will become my third Marine and an officer when he graduates. So watch out! I seem to turn out Marines.

HANG IN THERE M.! YOU DID WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS RIGHT! Feel free to write me if I can hold your hand in any other way!

D.

I think its hard when our girls turn 13 and all of a sudden the influence of their friends and the curiosity they have towards things "teenish" temporarily blind any good judgement we think we've instilled in them. A friend said of her son, "I'd wring his neck if I could reach it." So I'm going to say this as if I never been exasperated beyond the boiling point (and won't ever be again:). I think she probably got the point that you are angry about the deception and about the fact that she went on the web site that she shouldn't have been. You are the one who has to gauge whether you did enough, but if she thinks that the punishments are all about you being angry, and not about her bad behavior, no punishment in the world will keep her from doing it when your not looking again.
At some point you need to spend some heart to heart time to reconcile this.
You were right to to try to correct the behavior. I wish I could share an article I just read in a Mom's mag. I just read from Above Rubies (www.aboverubies.org)October 2008 entitled "Help! How can I have Peace in my Home?" A wonderful verse Hebrews 12:11 says "Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but grievous; nevertheless, afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Nancy Campbell writes "If you have to have a little war before you have peace, don't be afraid. Covering over things will not bring peace. It is like a festering sore that will not heal until it is totally cleansed."
I won't share the whole article but one more quote: "Seek Reconciliation: You cannot have peace if you have estranged relationships. To enjoy peace you must seek healing and restoration. Sow seeds of reconciliation. You won't have peace until you do... (Ephesians 4:26-27) When you regain her heart you can trust her again (not to say we don't keep our eyes open :)
Sorry if this rambled and comes off as preachy. I know as we get closer to 14 my daughter is starting to talk to me more and we're having less conflicts (with occasional hormonal flares from all parties involved) Hope you find encouragement!

i think you did too much. lashing out at her outwardly will make her resitant. i think banning internet use was enough, its punishment specific. when our children do things like this that hurt us so bad, we sometimes feel like we ant do enough, that dont get the message of how disapointed we are, and that theyll do it again unless we make them suffer for it. shes only going to do a better job of hiding it next time, and mean time youve prob made her very ashamed of herself and her sexuality. something like that even though its wrong is like catching someone having sex. its curiosity, and its normal. and theres no need to damage her sexual image over something like this. shes not perverted or filthy. : ( i know your shocked and horrified and disapointed, and antone who tells you you did too much or reacted wrongly is going to get the colder shoulder. i apologise, but try letting her know you have faith in her choices and she wont want to disapont you. : ) good luck

I think punishment is enough. If she feels any more guilt and has more restrictions, it will likely make her more rebellious. Sorry to hear that you are ashamed of her. I thought it was natural for a kid to be curious. It is good that you had the talk, though. Don't feel like a failure. You're doing the best you can.

why would u punish her so harshly? she is only most likely trying to figure out why sex is a big deal.punishing her is only going to make her more likely to do things behind ur back. u have to talk things out calmly. ask her why she was reading the website and what was so fascinating about it. trust me on this, my mom did not do much in the way talking about sex. it made me curious and i ended up having sex in my early yrs, around 14. please try to make it easy to come to you to talk about this.

Well I know that peer influence is huge at her age. Her friend told her about and her curiosity about it won over. Not to mention that her hormones have probably started to kick in making this topic vastly more interesting. I don't think you have done anything wrong as a parent, these things do happen some times. I would probably read the site myself and address the things that were wrong and sit down and talk with her about that. For example if there were naked pictures I would explain that pornography is a huge business that destroys the lives of those who watch it and those who preform it. Or if the attitude towards sex was very casual I would talk to her about the fact that sex is for marriage and that it comes with much responsibility and that it is holy, just take what is bad in the site and use it as an opportunity for teaching. Of course I would ground her or give her some form of punishment for be deceitful and looking at this site, but definitely take a moment to get in some more good teaching about what sex is and what it is not. Even though she is young she has to make a decision about what kind of person she will be, one influenced by peers or one who is an influence on those around her. I would encourage her to be the latter. Try to take yourself out of the mix, it isn't about you not being a good parent and she didn't do this to hurt you. Now is a time to focus on how to get her right back on course, kids are just hit with so much these days. Deal with your own feelings, forgive your daughter in your own prayer time with God, and help that girl be all that God has planned for her. Hang in there!! God bless:)

I'm not certain what you said to her, but I would go to her now that you've calmed down and explain that one of the reasons you said and did what you did was because it's something she'll NEVER get out of her mind. Just like looking at pictures is something that will NEVER go away. What would Jesus have said if HE would have been sitting next to her - and then tell her, HE WAS!! How does that make her feel. God knows EVERYTHING we do. Is it something she'd be proud of? What we read, look at, hear others say is our responsibility too. It was wrong for her to go to the site. Curiosity maybe expected at this age, but it doesn't make it right. Telll her you're disappointed in what she's done, but you still love HER and since you're her mother, God's given you the task to raise her to HIS standards, not this worlds. Good luck, it's hard, and know I'll be praying for both of you.

Tell her that pornography is an addiction, and it is extremely hard to break the habit. Tell her that if she does not "nip it in the bud" she could be dealing with a habit that she hates for a long time.
Move the computer to a place where everyone who walks by can easily look at what is on the screen. Our computer has always been back in a study, and now I see that we should have had it in a more open area.
Tell her that pornography is a sin, but that the good news is that Jesus died for our sins. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life."
Tell her that you love her and do not condemn her. To help her, though, tell her that occasionally you are going to ask her how she's doing in this area. Do it in a loving way.
One idea is to read Proverbs together every day. There are 31 Proverbs, so on November 24 you read Proverbs 24, etc., and that way you read through Proverbs once a month.
BTW, I personally do not believe that "freedom of speech" inludes pornography on the internet!

Actually, I think you've gone too far. Hit her? For being curious? Ok, she broke your trust. That's punishable. But I think you are being crazy about this. Yes, it's serious. Yes, she should be banned from the computer until she has proven she can use it again. But you've taken EVERYTHING away from her because you're ashamed. I wouldn't like it either, but she's a 13 year old girl, having feelings for the first time. Did you ever calmly ask her WHY she was reading it? If this is how you are going to react to everything, I can guarantee she will never come talk to you about things. You MADE her go to confession? I am Catholic, and I know that noone should make anyone go to confession. She should go of her own contrition.

How about you go back and discuss the danger of these kinds of things and WHY she felt she wanted to read it. Be open and honest with her. Discuss appropriate ways of fulfilling her curiosity. If you want her to come to you when she's curious about things like this (which is going to happen more and more) you have to be open and honest with her.

Then discuss with her appropriate punishment. You are making her feel ashamed of not just reading this site, but probably of her own feelings, and that's not right. I was raised in a church family, too, and I don't think the feelings she is feeling are wrong - they are natural. Don't make her feel bad for those. Her mistake was in going behind your back, disabling or going around your protection software, to look at the site. Help her understand that, and why IT was wrong. Tell her she'll have to earn back your trust. But in the meantime, you need to earn her trust by not overreacting to a situation. You need to show her that she can trust you with the way she is feeling right now and will continue to feel as she grows older and more aware. It has just begun. Walk this road with her, not running behind her yelling that what she's doing is always wrong.

She needs to understand why sex is reserved between two people that love each other. Explain that to her, calmly.

You are not a failure; she is a normal teenager. You overreacted on this one and if you go back now, you can possibly reverse the damage. Please do that - and explain to her WHY you overreacted, how scared you are. But don't make her ashamed of her curiosity.

You have raised your daughter with good morals. Tell her what she did is not appropriate for young girls and she has a lifetime to experience that when she is an adult and ready for it. I think that it is normal for her to be curious. The more excited about you are, the more she may want to look more at it or worse, experiment. The best we can do in life is give our children the tools to be be successful in life and make good choices. She is getting older and you are going to be able to control her less. Educate her and trust her. I cannot imagine how hard that will be though, so it was easy to give the advice. Hugs

I understand your dilemma religiously. Your daughter has a natural curiousity though and this is an opportunity to work through it with her. Try to find out what was exciting to her and see if you can give her info about it. There are many respectable books about sex that can be given to a teenager for info. These are facts and figures kind of books that truly explain stuff. Our bodies our selves comes to mind. Yes, it is specific! But, it is factual. Opening the door to communication may be better than slamming it shut. Good luck with this.

When I was your daughter's age, my mom caught me reading one of her romance novels. I would look through it to get to teh sex parts and then read it. I hid it under my bed, and my mom found it! I also had be given the sex talk as well-- I was just curious.. I was so embarrassed that my mom caught me-- I'm sure your daughter is embarrased too. These kids talk about sex all of the time, and they act like they know what they are talking about (when they really don't)-- she may be embarrased that she doesn't know anything about it-- and she thinks that these kids DO know something about it.. just like I didn't know anything about it. This is how I felt when I was her age. It's probably just curiosity on her part-- ( I was raised in church as well- my mom was the church secretary)-- Good luck!

I understand that this is something you are strongly opposed to, but my guess is that at 13, it's a natural curiosity. I think the punishment here has exceeded the crime. I am so thankful you didn't hit her. Violence is never the best solution & when done in anger, it's more to make YOU feel better than it is "teaching her a lesson". You don't want your daughter growing up with issues regarding sex, thinking it's something dirty. You want her to have a healthy attitude about it. I also think it is wrong to "force" someone to go to confession. It's a sacrament! That's not how it's suppose to work. I'm sorry if this is harsh. Simply stated, you should have told her that you disagree with visiting that type of website, asked her reasons for visiting it & had an open & honest discussion about it.

She's curious about forbidden fruit. Not good, but normal. You sat down and explained things with her, but did you do so calmly or scoldingly? If not calmly, then calm down and have the talk again. Also, let her speak. Explain that you can't have her doing this and why (all the dangers as well as the morality). Explain that if it happens again, consequences will have to happen. Then, if she agrees to the terms, let her back on with the guidelines you have set up. Nothing turns a teenager off than a scolding parent without explanation or mercy or second chances. Maybe you don't understand because you have never done anything like it in your mind. She does need rules and consequences. But, she also needs that guidance and feeling of security to go to you and that you will be reasonable with her. We tend to overreact with our kids when it is a sin that we don't have a hard time with or would have never done at that age. So, we don't fully understand and therefore overreact. It is wrong. Teach her so. But, try to stay calm about it. Also, be willing to forgive when she shows repentance/remorse and trustworthiness. Don't hold it over her head all the time. But, do set up new guidelines that she must follow.

Hello,M.

Your daughter is looking for attention since mom works and dad is out of town she feels alone.Sometimes kids do things to get your attention and this is one way to do it.Please talk with her to make sure she has not been around someone that has put things in her head about sex.If the right person comes around and says the right thing she wants to here, it could be bad later on.If you feel that you need to stay home and keep a eye on your children because your husband is out of town alot then check out my website at
irenecandles.candlebizfromhome.com

I hope this can help you.Let me know what you think at
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I know you are upset and I hate the world that we live in where children do not get to have a childhood and before they even know the beauty of sex they are being shown perverted sex.The curiosity your daughter is showing at her age is normal, but the stuff on the computer is not. However, you do not want to cause your daughter shame. Shame does not bring about any positive behavior change it just forces the behavior to become more secretive. I have heard of a woman who has done alot of study on this subject, Brene Brown. She also has a parenting book. Her website is http://brenebrown.squarespace.com/.
I hope you can heal this breach in you and your daughters relationship because she needs to be able to come to you with everything and not feel that she is a "bad" person.

I would remember to explain to her that you realize that she's curious about sex & that's okay but this isn't the way to go about finding out more. Remember that it's not only your daughter who did this but the fellow classmate who told her about it. You need to have a discussion w/that classmate's parents as well as the school principal to let them know what's going on. Otherwise it'll just keep going on, which it may but at least you told them. Keep telling them if it keeps up. Good luck!

I'm sorry but if your daughter wants to find out she will. Its not that your a bad mother its part of growing up. Kids will be kids. If they want to know something they will find out. Its nothing bad. You did the right thing. As long as she knows right from wrong.

I agree with all the previous responses. Your daughter should not be made to feel ashamed of being curious about sex and wanting to learn more. I think your reaction was a bit harsh and she is probably feeling very confused and you should apologize and help her understand. This is not a trust issue, it is normal curiosity of a teenager (think back to when you were a teen). If she feels you are going to have this kind of reaction to something so trivial, she may start keeping really important things from you, things that she wants to talk with you about but is afraid of your reaction. This could cause major problems (pregnancy, drug use, acting out....who knows). I hope everything works out for you, take care.

Sorry Mom but I truly think that you may have gone to far, do you think she can't get that info from kids at school and more to the point if the kids have older brothers and sisters they will certainly get more info that a web site. she is just getting more curious every day. And there are things that she just won't ask you. As a mother of one daughter, I just tried to give her as much info as possible and trust her. You are gonna have to just trust.

I am certainly not a professional, and my girls are still very young. But I remember being very curious as an early teenager. I was a very good girl. I never rebelled like many of my friends did. I was very close to my mother and we had a very good relationship. She had the sex talks with me and was very honest and open with our discussions. Still, I feel that it is very natural to be curious about sexuality. As a 13-yr-old, your daughter is just getting to the age where sex is in the forefront of teenage thought--not quite a kid, definitely not a grown-up. As long as she was just reading, and not trying to do those chat rooms with the danger of sexual predators, I don't see too much harm in letting her learn about certain aspects of sex. Make sure she is aware of those dangers. If there's one thing I remember, my friends whose mothers were either too lax or too strict were really the ones who snuck around and ACTED on these impulses. Perhaps reading from the safety of your home is not so bad.
Again, I'm not you and I'm not an expert, just my two cents. Good luck!

M., Take a deep breath and relax. I suggest you re-evaluate how you want to respond, then sit down with your daughter (privately) and talk. If you now feel you over reacted, honestly just say so, but explain why you did. Curiousity IS normal but sexuality today can be very exploiting. It begins early and That is why you reacted. We all remember the very true saying - trash in trash out. You were understandably shocked to enter a new phase in your lives. Children are having sex younger, in part seeded because it's become acceptable for young girls to think sexy is cool. Who decided even a 12yr old should be so conscious of being sexy. Who will stop that cycle is another philosophy. Explain to your daughter the dangers of using ones body to get attention, gain favor, get something which is what many do. Talk to her about how precious her body is. Use visual terminology that leaves her with an image in her mind. You are ok Mom, now is the time to really sit down and talk. God entrusted you with this special gift - your child, but also gave her you - a Mom to love, help, protect and guide her. Smile, deep breath and take the next step.

How long ago was this? Keep her away from the computer for awhile, not because she was reading the material, but because she disobeyed you and found a way to get past your guard. She really needs to have her allowance back. You can't keep her a prisoner forever. Sit down with her and explain that those sex stories are just that-sex stories-made up to excite a person's imagination. Most of the sex acts depicted in those stories are not true to life. They're just made up. If she wants to read something she should get a good book that she can discuss with people because she certainly wouldn't want to discuss any of that trash with anyone. She might laugh about it with her girlfriend once or twice, but then itwouldnt be fun anymore. Did you inform the other child's mother what she is doing on the computer?

Sounds like she grew up in a great Catholic, family. I did too. I appreciate the way I grew up and as an adult think my mom's influence helps me be strong every single day. However, no matter who your daughter is, she is still 13 and curious. Try not to be too h*** o* her for what she did. I think I would have done it too at her age, or my age if my friends made it sound juicy enough!! If you are being a strong role model for her and teaching her wrong from right, it will sink in. She will make mistakes, but it will sink in. As religious as my mom was, I think her greatest characteristic is that she always realized we were just people and by nature people will sin. She always dropped it after the punishment or discussion and didn't act like we were horrible for what we had done. Because of that, I always felt safe with her, even to let her in on my shortcomings. She always let me know she had done things she was not super proud of either, but after repenting we are washed clean and she gave me the same clean start that Jesus would.

First of all you are not a failure. You do the best you can just like the rest of us. You obviously love your daughter and want what is best. That being said, she is 13. She is going to explore such things and usually its the result of peer pressure or just plain curious. You can let her know that it hurt you that she couldn't come to you first to talk about this. She is growing up in an era where if its not talked about at home with you, it will be brought up in school at such young ages. Only thing that I can say that also "looks at both sides" is that if you make to big of a deal...you may have her wanting to look again. Stick to your beliefs and know this won't be the last "challenge" You are doing a great job mom...don't be too h*** o* yourself.

I have to agree here that I think you took the punishment WAY too far. My mother conveyed to me as a child that sex was a negative shameful thing, although she didn't do it as harshly as this.. it was more of just a passive message I got growing up. And it has majorly affected my sex life with my husband now as an adult. You can really do irreparable damage to your daughter by shaming her for a natural pre-teen curiosity. As devastated as you may feel, this is not something she did TO you.. she wasn't setting out to deceive you in any way she could. She was curious, as she should be at that age, and she did what she could to find out more information. I suspect she does not feel comfortable coming to you to talk about it.. which is sad. That is when girls get in trouble later on, when their mother's aren't there to talk openly and honestly about what is good vs. bad about sex. You need to teach her that sex is wonderful when you're in a trusting loving relationship, that's it's normal and healthy and not a shameful sinful thing. But I think you may have already damaged this teaching opportunity with her. I hope you can repair the situation and set up an open communication line with her.

Dear M.,
First you are not a failure. I'm glad for you that you didn't hit her. The times I've been most upset that I wanted to strangle my kids, I found out there was more to the story than what I knew at that time. That still doesn't justify hitting them.

Your story with your daughter is so similar to mine. I was about 15 and had my first real boyfriend. I knew that my curfew was midnight and my parents believed that it was the boy's responsibility to respect the curfew. We were sitting on the couch kissing AND it was 12:30am when my mom burst into the room. My mother was furious. She told me she could never trust me again, wouldn't wake my dad to tell him, but would tell him as soon as he woke the next morning. They had a real rough talk with me about the shame I was bringing on my family and not to tell a living soul what kind of girl I was getting into that shameful trouble. My mother made an appt for me to go to confession the next day. I was grounded from seeing him for months. My parents sat on either side of me in church and when it was time to go to communion, they lifted me to my feet and guided me to the front. That was about 40 yrs ago.

This is what I learned. They were scared. I was mad. I became more clever and determined to see him. I began lying and meeting him secretly. I felt so violated by my parents constantly reminding me that I was grounded and warnings, that I was resentful toward them. I lost respect for church, too. Because I was trying to be honest and not go to communion since I knew I was being sneaky, yet being forced, I was one sore kid.

My parents always told us we could ask them anything, etc. When I asked how you get pregnant and when is the time that is most fertile, my mother freaked out and got my dad involved because they were then afraid that I was having sex and trying to avoid pregnancy. I was nervous about kissing my boyfriend. I wasn't considering having sex. I learned from them that if I wanted to know something, they were my last resource. Whatever I wanted to know about I had to find another way.

I tell you all these details to say, perhaps your daughter wants info and doesn't feel comfortable asking you or that you will be suspicious why she wants to know.

Taking me to confession was humiliating not healing. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong, just kissing. So I was supposed to be sorry, but wasn't. It was hypocritical of them to force me to go to confession and communion considering that they'd told me I'd go to hell if I died. So they didn't care if I went to hell, I thought. It was more important to them to be "right" than honest.

My folks loved us and wanted to be good parents; however, much of the punishment they enacted was for the benefit of friends/neighbors because they worried most about what other people thought.

Take a deep breath. Take a couple days to just calm yourself. Your daughter is probably just curious, not trying to find out how to do wild things. Tell her honestly that it scared you and you reacted out of fear. To train a dog to fetch a stick, you don't hit him with it when he doesn't retrieve. If you want your daughter to participate in church, don't use it as a punishment And a reward.

I recently read this quote: "Never cut with a knife what you can cut with a spoon." Harshness is not as effective as gentleness.

Love, C., mom of 4 grown children, married that boyfriend 32 yrs ago.

Hi M.. I read your follow up and it sounds like you're communicating well with your daughter. If I may, I wanted to add one more piece of advice that will help you now as well as in the future. First of all, I want to let you know that I have a son (almost 21) and a daughter (16). We are a Christian family but I will tell you that the only thing that will keep your daughter on the right path is a personal relationship with Jesus. The closer she is to Him, the more she will want to do the right thing. We can't be with our children all of the time but God can. We didn't teach our kids about religion, we have taught them to have their own relationship with the Lord, to read and study their Bibles and to pray and seek guidance from the Lord. This is true for everyone no matter what our Christian faith. God wants our hearts, not our sacrifices or rituals. All you can do is be an example for her by having your own relationship with Christ, read you Bible and pray (from your heart) everyday so you can grow spiritually. Keep the communication open with her and pray for her everyday and quote scripture over your family. Psalms 112 is a good one for that but there are several, just ask God to show you. It's hard being a parent isn't it?! God bless you!!!

I am a christian mother of one, a boy. and to tell you the truth i think you have done too much! taking away the computer for a couple of weeks, or not to use w/o supervision, keep her from the "one" friend who taught her , but other than that, you need to give everything else back! What she did was perfectly normal, no matter what her up bringing is! She is a child, a teen, and they are very curious, you can't take the whole world away for one discrepancy! You talked to her, lighten up a little or she will rebel severly in a couple of years and you either won't have any idea what she is up to, or she will be telling you to go to h***! Kids need to know that they can come to you about anything, you showed her that if it has to do with sex, you think it is a horrible and un-natural act and punishable by practically death! Please tell her you over-reacted a little, and that although you feel "very" strongly that she does not polute her mind with talk of sex in a dirty way, that you want her to be able to come to her about anything, and that you want to trust her, but she will have to prove to you that she understands and that she can have your trust back. Best of luck with your daughter.

I know you have gotten a lot of responses for this already. I read most of them and I think some of them were uncalled for. How you reacted might have been a lot who's to say you are wrong for that. These people saying how you are wrong for what you did is only going to make you feel more like a faliure. You are not a faliure as a parent. You did what you thought was right at the time. My mom growing up would have probably done the same thing. There was one response that I did like and that was the one that gave you real advise. Use it as a teaching tool. She was right she is just growing up and her mind is wandering. I remember that was one thing as I was growing up is I could ask my mom anything. And I would and she was honest with me in her answers. I would ask about sex and things I heard at school. My mom would answer the question and then try and tell me why it was right or wrong. You are probably shocked that it happened a such a young age. Now days kids learn about sex at a young age.

Just last year I had a boy tell my 5year old he wanted to do sex to her. I didn't even know it happen till another parent told me. At the time I freaked. 5 Years old how in the world is all I could think. So I talked to my daughter and told her if she ever got talked to like that to tell me. Not to be afriad of my reaction. I want her to be able to talk to me about anything.

I think you should just talk to your daughter and not say you were wrong just let her know she can come to you if she has questions.

Hope you are not feeling to bad about what you did. I was just so upset with how they were basically saying you were wrong for what you did. Your a mom allowed to make mistakes.

First off, you are not a failure. Your daughter is being a normal teenager. Your parenting skills did not cause her to do this. She is naturally curious about sex. Going online to an explicit story website may not be the approprite way to explore her curiosity and you do need to tell her that. However, you need to do it in a diplomatic way. She needs to be reassured that you have an "open-line-of-communication" and that she can come to you with any questions or concerns. You may have damaged her trust in that. Sending her to the confessional is probably not the best thing you could have done. Talking to her about what it is she is curious about and what questions she has would have been more reasonable. I think you are being too harsh and I think you have overreacted. I hope you did not tell your daughter that you are ashamed of her. If you did, you need to go to her and explain that you are not ashamed of her, that you love her and you are proud of her but you do not agree with what she did. Talk to her. Be open with her. Tell her that this embarrassed you and that maybe you handled it the wrong way. Love her and be there for her. Trust her and honor her and you will raise a beautiful, loving, honorable young lady.

Why are you beating yourself up about your daughter's natural curiosity about sex. She is being a normal curious teenager. We as parents try to hide things from our kids because we think that they are not ready to approach this subject. I bet her friend made it sound like this website would give her the low down on sex; things you are uncomfortable about discussing with her. I believe it is just an intellectual curiosity right now. It would be different if you caught her doing inappropiate behavior. Try keeping the lines of communication open with her and try not to be judgemental about her curiosity. Kids now adays start learning and talking about sex as early as eight years old. SharletB.

I think you did the right thing with taking the computer away. She needs to learn what is the right kind of sex ( between a husband and wife) and what is disrespectful. Let her know that she shouldnt be reading about other peoples love affairs that its wicked. Also let her read the bible for some intreasting reads. Palms gets pretty romantic , if I remember correctly. Let her know what sex is intended for. Also think about how she is courious and with sex everywhere she needs to know what is smutt and what is love. Your on the right track. I am comming from a Christian point of view not a worldly one. So I am sure most mom's wont understand and think they need to explore but I dont agree with what they want to explore. Its also really wrong she hacked her way around the passwords. I would be dissapointed there too. We all make mistakes and thats why we have forgiveness. Also if she is thinking this is what guys want or this is what sexy is then she might be looking for the wrong type of guy. Or displaying herself for the wrong type of attention. Best of luck. You got loads of responces!

Sorry to hear about your situation, but I am more sorry about your reaction then your daughter's actions. Sure we all have different approach to this subject and I cannot tell you what you should do. Since my daughter is almost 13, I can relate and tell what I have been doing. I do not want the sex information to become a forbidden fruit for her because that will only increase her interest. Lets face it, our kids are bit smarter than us at least when it comes to technology. They do have the right to know about sex and it is better that that information comes from us, the parents. You can punish her all you want but I do not think that will resolve the issue. She is curious and that is natural. Try to win her trust rather. Buy her books and try to find websites which are good source of sexual information such as http://www.scarleteen.com/. You read those books first and check the websites first and see if you want to share it with her. Just do not act so shocked as she has not done anything wrong or out of the normal.

Honestly, I think that we parents need more education as to how to deal with our kids who are soon going to be adults and have are showing interest in adult activities.
I am sorry Mariam if my opinion might sound too open or direct, but if our girls cannot be open with us and trust us then they might end up trusting the wrong kind of people.

Oh, and if you will believe me, I was raised in very strict environment where sex is still a taboo and I was a virgin till marriage(at the age of 22..ha ha ha). But I am trying to loosen up and evolve as a parent.

i agree that we dont want our children to read pornography - but i truly feel you over overreacted. i do not feel this is a "punishable" offense. Rather i think it means you are going to have to work as a parent to be creative and find ways to show your daughter why this stuff is not acceptable.

This stuff does exist in the world - and she does need to be aware of it in order to be able to avoid it. so when i say be creative, find a way to show her how being associated with anything close to that sort of stuff can bring pain and hurt in life.

The "punishable" offense is that she went around your security measures on the computer - so punish for that - but be clear about what you are punishing her for.

all teens are curious - if you keep too much from her - she will just learn not to trust you because she will feel you lied to her. the world is not always a pretty place - and being a christian does not always protect one from that- although when you associate with other christian people - it reduces your exposure.

So - although you say you "talked with her about sex" previously - you are going to have to take that talk to another level - because now she knows you did not tell her everything.....

good luck

about Me: A 54 yr old working mom of two grown children. Married 31 yrs.

Sounds to me like this "friend" is a little beyond her years and shes no friend if what this girl is into is "sex". Its probably curiosity on your daughter's part and pretty sure this other girl made it sound so exciting.
Please, talk to your daughter and find out the what and why she did this. Let her know you love her but she has made it hard for you to trust her, then give her gradually things to do that require your trust so you both can build the bond back that someone else gave the info to break. Just love her and help her to understand that what she did was wrong but you forgive her.