Daughter Broke up with Boyfriend of 4 Years

Here is a response from my sister, who's boyfriend, of 3 years, committed suicide last year:

..."she's not responsible, she should seek therapy at college. there is nothing her mother can do as these are transitions that kids need to go through to become adults.
if the daughter is really worried that he will harm himself, then she needs to alert the campus counseling group AND the boys parents, then she's really done all she can do.
in California, there is a law called 5150, which one can use to call authorities if they are very worried that the boy will take his life. not sure how it is in other states.
have her read their articles on our site: http://www.divinecaroline.com/public/user/profile?user_id...

now is the time for women to show men that they can be supportive, but they can't save men from drowning in their own depression.

(if i had a dollar for every man who put his emotional needs into the hands of a woman, i'd be a rich woman.)

2 moms found this helpful

L.,
My advice is to explain to her that he is an adult and he is responsible for himself. She can't be responsible for anything that he does or doesn't do to himself. If you both feel that he is capable of harming himself then contacting his family or even the college maybe the help he needs. Ignoring his text messages and phone calls as in not reading them or listening to them may help her completely seperate herself from him as well. It's nice to hear that you two have a relationship where she can still share these situations with you. I wish her the best of luck!

I too have a daughter in college.

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds like he needs some help with coping, but that's not yours or her responsibility. I would say that you need to help her recognize that he's an adult and makes his own choices, just as she does. If he does anything to himself it's not her fault, she needs to focus on herself and take care of herself first.

1 mom found this helpful

It is a difficult situation to say the least. Especially since she isn't currently living with you. I would encourage her to get support at school, ie. counseling center, christian campus house...And emphasize the only one she has control over is herself and the best thing she can do for him and herself is to cut off all contact with him.
And to take things one day at a time.

C. T

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FIRST: SUGGEST YOUR DAUGHTER TO SEEK COUNSELING BEFORE
SHE INTERNALIZING ANY BELIEF SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS
DECISIONS. SOUNDS AS THO' DECISIONS WERE MADE BY BOTH
OF THEM FOR SOME OF THE LEAST DESIRABLE REASONS. MANY
QUESTIONS TO BE ASK OF YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT THE 4 YRS,
WHAT THEY WERE LIKE AND IF STORMY, THE REASONS SHE
CONTINUED. I HAVE LITTLE INFORMATION, BUT THERE SEEMS
TO BE A 'POSITIVE' SIDE, THEY BROKE UP BEFORE THEY
WORKED OUT THEIR DIFFERENCES, AND DID NOT MARRY UNDER
THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

THERE IS ALWAYS REASONS BEHIND THE BEHAVIOR. AND, IF
YOU FIND THE REASONS YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THE BEHAVIOR
AND COMMENCE TO CHANGE SAME.

AGAIN, AS A PRACTICING PSYCYHOLOGIST I SUGGEST YOUR
DAUGHTER COULD BE HELPED WITH COUNSELING.

IF YOU WOULD WANT TO CONTACT ME AGAIN, I LIVE IN GRAIN
VALLEY, MO., E MAIL ____@____.com
TELE: ###-###-####. GOD BLESS, N. J ANDREW, PhD

1 mom found this helpful

My advice would be to put a hedge around her with prayer. When our children are grown and out of our hands we still can cover them with our prayers. "Do not be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God and the peace that surpasses all comprehension will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:6

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He is obviously got problems, and trying to drag her into his misery. I would notify his parents or someone that he is threatening to harm himself. Think of how you would feel if your daughter had suicidal thoughts and no one told you until it was too late for you to get her help. And I would advise her to stay very far from him. I would tell her to ignore his messages, she is not a professional and runs the risk of getting hurt if she deals with him. She could suggest going to a counselor, but he is dangerous to be around if he has turned to inducing fear to control her. That relationship has no future, he needs to realize it without terrorizing her.

1 mom found this helpful

She has to really think if she is happy or not if she isn't she needs to go on with her life to make herself happy. If she goes back to him just so he won't hurthimself than she will be miserable for the rest of the time she is with him. Alot of times people say these things just so the other will feel sorry for them and be with them. If he hurts himself its his own fault maybe he needs mental help. Need to pray about it and let god handle it.

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GET HER SOME PSHYCIATRIC HELP!!!! I watched this with a niece of mine and the boy did actually commit suicide. That was 5 years ago and she still hasn't recovered...In fact the whole family is sick! She and all her sisters have a pictures of him in their rooms... Please let her know that she has nothing to do with whatever he does to himself. That he himself is sick and needs help. Good luck and keep us posted!

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I was in a similar situation and it was absolutely devastating for me. At one point, I even got a suicide note via email and had to ask his mom for help in tracking him down. My self-image was completely destroyed. I felt worthless and hated myself for a long time.
No matter what, even if she still loves him, she needs out. Now. As for the measure that need to be taken, that depends on the situation and is for her to decide, but I might consider getting a new phone number. She needs you now more than ever, even if she doesn't show it. And the boy needs help. She should not be the one to try to help him get it though. If you have a means of communication with his friends and/or family, make sure they understand what's happening and the seriousness of the situation and then leave it at that. If he were to follow through and do something to hurt himself, even though it's not your daughter's fault, it would most likely feel that way to her and no one needs that kind of a burden.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear L.,
First of all, You and your daughter need to realize that NO ONE is responsible for someone else's behavior. There cannot be a healthy relationship if it is forced no matter HOW LONG they have been together. Perhaps they made some wrong choice together and there are issues that they both need to deal with that have caused hhis feelings. However, your sweet daughter needs to know that she is FREE to move on and no one else can make ANYONE else do anything. Can she get some counseling? SHe needs support in this.

Secondly, have her NOT take the texts. "DELETE" works!! Yes, it is hard, but if she wants to be healthy and have a good relationship someday, she needs to do it. It is tempting, but I KNOW from personal experience, that they need to choose to move on...including not letting the phone control them. He is trying to manipulate her, and he may try something to get her attention. IF he does not HAVE her attention, he will not be so threatening. AND IF he does try something, she cannot accept responsibility because HE NEEDS HELP. Obviously anyone who does self harm needs compassion and care, but SHE IS NOT THE ONE who needs to give it now. He can seek help on college campuses there are counselors.

I have four daughters, two married, now and one son. We have been thru some difficult things and it takes work to move out of an unhealthy relationship!

If you can't convince her that HE is responsible for his choices not her; and that our happiness isn't dependant on another person - we are responsible for our own happiness = as is he. Ask her if she is supposed to sacrifice HER happiness by feeding his insecurities? Of course not. Then maybe she could talk to one of the college counselors or she could go talk to a psycologist - just to help her handle this and to assuage her guilt. And maybe she could convince him to go talk to a counselor/psycologist to help him get over it. Sometimes it is hard to be firm

Number one she needs to realise that she is not at fault. So many times girls believe that they are in the wrong. Number two she needs to change her cell number. Number three if you have a good relationship with his parents maybe a conversation is at hand. Hope this helps.
Deb Kelley
Long Lane MO

I would advice for her to keep on with her life and not feeling guilty about what he says.

hello L. my name is A. and i got married when i was 17 i was married for 4 years to the most wonderful man in the world him and i are now divorced but the funny thing is, is we are still together lol anyway i just wanted to say no one person is responsible for someone else's actions. if her ex hurts himself its not her problem he just wants the attention my advise would be just to file a report with the police, and to stay away from him if need be get a restraining order. i hope everything turns out ok for all of you

A. W.

sounds like he is trying to control her and definately is not the guy for her. Although suicide threats aren't something to take lightly he may need some professional help but her going back to him by feeling sorry for him isn't going to help. That would just prolong the problem. She can't take the blame of his actions on her shoulders. Sounds like he needs a lot of prayer.

Any man that would threaten to take his life because of a breakup isn't the type of man any woman needs! Your daughter needs to CHANGE HER PHONE NUMBERS, EMAIL, ETC. immediately! The sooner she makes a clean break, the sooner the healing will begin. She's so fortunate that RED FLAGS are flying! Tell her to RUN AND RUN FAST! She'll thank you one day!
Should he actually take his life, that's his problem, not hers!
PS....My daughter broke up after 8 years, and 3 of those 8 years, they were engaged! TELL YOUR DAUGHTER TO CHANGE ALL HER NUMBERS AND RUN! I know what I'm talking about!

L.,
Be supportive of your daughter. Let her speak but also let her know she is in no way responsible for his life. Breaking up is hard to do and when arguments and manipulation(he's going to harm himself) enter into the relationship, then a break is needed. 4 years invested is a long time but does she want to spend the rest of her life in this kind of a relationship? Listen to her and help her be strong and think of herself instead of worrying about him.

Hi L., I can tell you that I've been in her position before and it does suck! But she can not be liable for the boyfriends issue's. Of course he is going to say that kind of stuff. That's what they do when they want to gain control again. My situation was bad like her's 13 years ago except I was young and pregnant and he was a BIG loser. I had to get out and move on if I wanted a life for my child. She can do this!! Keep talking to her and remind her of the bad times that they had together and the reason why they broke up. I hate to be a negative person but she needs to know that this man is not someone she needs in her life. It's hard but she can move on and get past this. Stay away from him and don't respond to his text messages. I doubt he's going to actually do anything to hurt himself, but she needs to keep herself safe and stay away from him. We'll say some extra prayers to help guide her though this tough time. Keep in mind the serenity prayer. That has helped me out in the past. Keep keep in mind that everything in life is temperary. Nothing last forever! Best of luck!!

Your daughter needs to break off contact with this boy. By responding to his messages and text she's encouraging him to continue with his attention seeking behavior. I'm sure she's worried about him, but people who truly want to hurt themselves don't usually make a big drama scene before doing so.

L.: If he is threatening to harm himself, please call the police. Your daughter can also get a restraining order. I'm sure there is a counseling center at her college that has experience with this situation and can give her advice. Just keep reassuring her that she is not resonsible for his actions and not to go back to him based on his threats. Good luck to her.

I would remind your daughter that he is responsible for his own actions and encourage her to seek additional support. It sounds like he has some control issues. I would suggest having her talk with a counselor. Good luck!

let her know she is not respondsible and everything is going to be okay. just cont. to be there show her lots of love and caring. the main thing to remember is there is always more fish in the sea and you got your friends and family.

from,M. stanfield
olathe,ks

I know this sounds harsh, but talk to his mom and tell her what he is doing and what his threats are. Then have your daughter completely discontinue any contact. Don't have her answer his calls or text messages. If she sees him at school tell her to avoid him and go the other direction. If he is in school with her then tell her to talk to one of the school councelors also. It will be beneficial to both your daughter and her ex to have someone at school know what is going on. Good luck and God bless.
Oh, and then tell her to get a restraining order.

This situation needs to be taken very seriously. Your daughter needs to see that this boy has problems with using guilt as a control and manipulating practice. I bet it's not the first time he has done this to her. She needs to realize that this is his problem and it's not her responsibility to help fix it. Anyone that is threatening to "hurt themselves" or making suiside threats need to be taken seriously!!! Someone needs to notify his family ASAP! My heart goes out to all concerned. The best thing that could happen is for the boy to get help and perhaps your daughter to if she continues to feel she is responsible for him. Best wishes! V.

I was in a similar situation when I was in highschool. She probably won't want to talk to you about it but you might try to ask and make sure he isn't hitting her. Unfortunately nothing anyone told me made me want to quit seeing by old boyfriend. It just took time and maturing for me to realize what a bad relationship I was in. I would say just have lunch with her and maybe go shopping and try to get her to open up about it. Try to relate with her and give some advice without sounding too motherly. Do you know any of her good friends? Maybe you could get their help.

I've gone thru this with both of my daughters.(22, 24).
She has to stop taking his texts and phone calls.If needed change her phone #. Yes there is the risk of him harming himself but that will be his decision. SHE is NOT responsible for his happiness. Anyone making her try to think otherwise is trying to control her. By taking his calls she is giving him hope.
I finally found a good female councler for one of my daughters. All colleges have that available.
Also , don't make the mistake of you talking to the boy. If they were together that long I'm sure you had a relationship with him. He will use you as a pawn. I accually contacted the parents of one of the boys to tell them of his desire to harm himself. They got him help.
Good luck! This too will pass! Pam L

In my opinion, as I'm sure you feel in your gut as well, your daughter needs to seek the advise of a school counselor or someone in the professional field she trusts if for even one second she believes that she is in any way responsible for the way HE is handling the break up. Too many young people don't have the self-confidence and self-esteem to be able to push the "guilt trips" back onto the people delivering them. She needs to understand SHE is NOT responsible for his feelings or his actions and if by some stupid chance he is the kind of guy that would hurt himself...BEWARE...it's not someone you would want your daughter involved with anyway and HE really needs to seek professional help. If she desires to be rid of this troubled young man and he won't leave her alone, insist she seek the help of the police....too many unpredictables nowadays. I have a young son (his senior year in high school) and is a really nice guy! He is always listening to his "female" friends talk about their boyfriends and how "crappy" they are to them and he just shakes his head and is wondering why these girls are so attracted to the "bad boys"...Your daughter deserves better and remind her there are nice guys out there without the baggage. It sounds like they dated in high school? Is he attending the same college? That many troubles in such a young relationship often doesn't end well. Remind her, that just because he calls, doesn't mean she has to pick up the phone, or answer the door, etc. The more she participates in the "conversations", the more hope she is delivering. Actions speak louder than words. Best Wishes!

Sounds like the ex-boyfriend is a bit controlling. This coming from someone who was in an abusive marriage for 11 months. When I left my ex-husband, he too, threatened suicide. Something very atypical for him during the course of our relationship. It came to the point that I had to tell him that he had to be responsible for his own actions. And regardless of what he did, I had to leave. I told him that I hoped he would not harm himself, but if he did, there was nothing I could do about it.

That may sound harsh, but when you are in the middle of an abusive relationship and you are ready to get out, you pull yourself up by the bootstraps and take one step at a time. Honestly, I was already suicidal myself in that relationship and was intelligent enough to know that he was not worth my life.

It is clear he is trying to control her. Your daughter needs to protect herself. And stay away from him. She needs to take control of her life and realize he is responsible for doing the same.

Hope that helps.

P.S. Once I got out the abusive relationship, shortly after I met my husband. We have now been married nearly 13 years. And I am glad to say it is and always has been a healthy relationship. Partly due to my attitude that I was not going to accept anything less, and not being willing to accept one slip up!

Maybe deep down she cares about him still - not in a I want to marry him way but in the I have a friendship with him. I mean they were together for a while. Unfortunately she is gonna have to do the tough love thing. I would say - maybe change her phone number, to prevent the text messages. Then contact his family and tell them what he is saying to her, guide him to get help or have someone else be it family or a good friend of his to help him get the help he obviously needs. Re-enforce to her that she has done nothing wrong and not to feel bad. Maybe even get her some help to deal with this as well. Step in as parents and protect her best you can but remember to try and stay emotionally out of it. Hope that makes sense! Support from family and friends is what they both apparently need right now, and you giving all you can give is the best you can do!

L.,

I would take the things the boy says seriously, while reassuring your daughter that the boy is responsible for his own behavior. She shouldn't feel trapped into getting back together because he is having a hard time coping. I have two daughters, ages 24 and 22, and the oldest has been through something like this with her first "real" boyfriend. He felt very much set adrift after they parted, and also threatened to take his life, etc. Here's my advice:

If they've been dating for four years, you probably know his parents. I suggest you clue the parents in, so they can care for the mental state of their son.

If you can't find the parents, ask your daughter which college the boy is in, and contact the advisor for that school (e.g. liberal arts, fine arts, business, etc). These days with campus shootings, etc, every college has someone assigned to make contact with a troubled student.

With your help, your daughter will feel support and relief. You might also offer her counseling, if she seems to need it. It's probably available through student health services.

I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. Four years is a really long piece of your daughter's life, and she wouldn't be normal if she weren't experiencing fall-out. Just remind her, one door closes, another always opens, and that her old boyfriend WILL get through this. She's lucky to have a mom she can trust and talk to.

Good luck!

Get a restraining order NOW, before he starts to escalate.
Get the paper work in motion.
J.

Wow! What a rough thing to go through. I also have a daughter away at college, and her roommate recently went through a very similar situation. One, she needs to refuse his text messages and phone calls. Two,keep telling her she is NOT responsible for other's choices and actions. And three, be there, no matter what time it is, for those long phone calls home for suport. Good luck! D. Jacobsen

Dear L.,

This must be terribly difficult for your daughter. I am sure the college must have counsellors and a chaplain. My recommendation is that she immediately see one of them. The path her ex-boyfriend has taken only prooves that she has done the right thing. He definitely should have counselling also, but until he accepts that there is nothing she will be able to do except protect herself physically and emotionally. If he decides to harm herself, there is nothing she can do to stop it and it is not her fault. If she gives in to his behavior, she will never be able to have her own life and will end up being miserable with him. When you are a caring person, it is difficult to feel like you are abdoning someone to do harm to themselves, but unless he is willing to change there is nothing she can do. Also, arguing this much prior to marriage only means it will be worse after marriage. One annot change another person!
J. B.

Instill in your daughter the fact that if someone harms themself due to a break up...it is NOT her fault, but that the person had emotional problems to begin with and that was nothing that she was responsible for and nothing she could have "fixed"...and then I'd be contacting the boys parents to inform them that he is threatening self harm...they deserve to know.

You need to let her know that if he harms himself that it is NOT her fault. I would contact his parents and his friends to be on the look out. Any break up is bad. Sounds like that boy needs some professional help.

Threatening suicide? Her boyfriend has control issues & will continue to try to control her life. She needs to RUN! By telling her she's ruined his life he's just trying to make her feel guilty and, apparently, it's working - THAT'S NOT LOVE! If he truly loves her, he should want her to be happy - even at the cost of letting her go! A TRUE ADULT takes responsibility for him/herself! Tell her to NEVER saddle herself to an immature boy - find a real MAN! I speak from experience!!

Someone needs to contact that boy's family or a college counselor. He could just be trying to make her feel bad, but if he does something to himself, although it is TRULY not her fault. She will feel like it. My advise is to really push her to get someone else involved that can actually deal with the situation. Therapists/Counselors know how to approach someone like that without letting on who told them. College is such a stressful (wonderful, but stressful) time for kids. That boy needs help, wether he is serious or not. I've personally been down that road with an ex, all you can do is reassure her that this is not her fault, push her to get someone else involved and keep in good touch with her. I'll pray for you, her and the boy.

Yikes. I have a 21 year old son and have seen this first hand. Your daughter needs to make a clean break. New phone number, everything. Try to let her know that a relationship like this is heading for disaster, and she'll never be able to truly make him happy no matter how hard she tries. He's responsible for his own actions. Help her consider giving at least 4 months without any contact at all, and see how emotions and feelings can change. Unfortunately, if there's been intimacy, it will even be more difficult to break it off, BUT it is possible. She's got to know she can have a healthy, mutually loving and respectful relationship. If there is a man in her life who she respects and will listen to, these suggestions might be better recieved from him. Best wishes, L.. L.

Hi L.!!! Your daughter has done the right thing in moving on, as has he. She is not responsible for anything that he might or might not do in life, that is his choice. My biggest advice would be for your daughter to change her phone number and not have any more contact with him. He will move on when he sees that he no longer has any effect on her. No arguments or words; just stop all communication. I hope this helps and I wish your daughter all the best in college!! May she find inner peace and, more than anything, a wonderful person who will love her no matter what.

I would contact his parents to alert them to his possible intention of harming himself. He needs some psychological help.

If she is at college, and he also, I would tell the school authorities. They need to talk to him.

There definitely needs to be intervention. Emotional trauma can put her into depression, and it's almost impossible to be a good student when you're upset.

Your daughter should not take on any guilt over what he does. He's emotionally unstable and she needs to have a clean break from him.

Believe me, there is someone out there who will bring her joy and happiness. She doesn't need this guy.

It won't be easy after a four year relationship, but she can make it through this with God's help. Pray!

Wow, what a difficult and heart-breaking situation. The advice I would give (from being indirectly involved in similar situations) is to, first and foremost, make absolutely sure your daughter knows without a doubt that, if anything were "to happen to him", it would NOT, for any reason or in any way be her fault. He is responsible for his own choices and decisions, only he can make that kind of decision. Second, if you knew contact info for his parents, I maybe would make contact with them to let them know what is going on so they may be able to try to counsel him, or convince him get counseling type of help. If necessary, I know it would be inconvenient, maybe get her a new phone or number so he cannot text or call her anymore. I hope this helps a little- but my first concern would be for the emotional and mental health of my "little girl".