Daughter - Miami,FL

Welcome to the teen years. Get used to the new normal. :)

I'd start involving her in some of the decision making, but helping her undertsand the process of making choices. For example, if she wants to go to the mall, don't just say yes or no. Ask her what she has to do for that day and talk about what the family is doing that day. Write it all out and ask her what needs to be accomplished so that she can go to the mall. Then ask her what she thinks should happen (I mean, if you have a doctor's appt. and she has band practice and has to practice her flute for 30 minutes, study for a history test, do chores, you have to drive son to soccer, etc.) and see if it makes sense.

I think being socratic is a good way in these years, when possible, because the real goal is to teach them how to be independant, thinking adults who make good choices. She wants choices and needs guidance. It's a new paradigm, but you can do it.

Good luck!

You have just described the typical teenage girl!!! A bundle of hormones, perfectly logical one moment...hysterical the next!!! Your job Mom is to remain calm, rational and loving...and most of all remember that she isn't doing this just to tick you off...she is simply going through one of those tumultuous changes that all of us have to deal with. Her brain is trying to re-hardwire itself...from child to adult...and sometimes it just doesn't go too smoothly.
You said that she is upsetting you...don't let it happen...keep telling yourself that this too shall pass...one day you will wake up to a young woman who has weathered the passage from child to adult and you will be SO relieved and proud!!! Remember that you are still her chief role model...she depends upon you to keep her on the right track...and learning the things she should learn. Don't let her pull you into the emotional warfare that is going on inside her...you need stay above that...and help her steer her "ship" through that storm!!
Good luck...you will survive..and so will she!!

Hi Inder, I have a 13 and a half year old daughter too, in the 8th grade.
I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but she and I have become something of a management team in the business of her life.

Make no mistake, there IS a line, and I AM in charge.
But I've noticed there are SO very many bonding opportunities everywhere, that often start out as potential conflicts.
For example, if there is something she does not feel like doing, putting her laundry in the hamper (putting those freakin' straighteners in the cabinet uder the sink!)brining her dirty dishes down, cleaning up a mess she made (MAN can she spread out!) and she blows me off a little or stalls, I will hover, I will say something with humor, I know I get lazy too sometimes, here's what I do to make the task better, faster, easier, etc...definately sucks, but it's gotta be done, right?, I ask her. I wiil pick up a folder and motion to her backpack, generally she will sigh and just get busy.
There, now we are together, collectively disliking a certain task, but understanding it's just got to be done anyway. I will not do it for her, but I AM on her side.

I do not sweat the small stuff. I let her have her hair the way she likes (although she knows I DON'T like it. She's an excellent student, which is a constant subject of conversation, in the manner of praise of couse, but I ask VERY specific questions about her day, classes, assignments, consistently. I let her vent, whine, complain a little about most things, I say, I KNOW JUST what you mean! And then tell something that happened to me. I think she has a lot of self respect fueled at least in part just by my showing non-threatening interest in her life consistently.

She is a normal modern american teenager, always texting, on the laptop, too many friends, even a boyfriend, a whirlwind of emotions and opinions, which change from conversation to conversation.

I am NOT crazy about the boyfriend thing, but that too has become a bonding opportunity. We have had very serious conversations about the choices she makes will have to make...but mostly we giggle together about how DUMB boys can be!

I DO piss her off from time to time, and this is her thing. She gets a SHOCKED look on her face, throws her arms up, stomps loudly up the stairs, and slams her bedroom door (on the rare occasion I have to say NO, not because she's spoiled, just because she really doesn't ask for much!). A little time goes by, and honestly just when I'm about to go up and talk to her about it, maybe elaborate as to why I said no, she will come skipping down her normal jolly self and the thing is never mentioned again. I see no point in reprimanding her for stomping away/slamming the door.

Try to look for ways to keep your daughter close. Engage her in conversation, doesn't matter what about. Ask her everyday, who did you sit next to at lunch? Did you have gym? What did that english teacher wear today?! Something anything specific so she knows you are into her. If she answers snotty, just drop it. Ask her something else later. Brag about her on the phone, to neighbors, so on.

Anyway, sorry so long, I'm just rambling. Lastly I agree with a lot of other posters, phases come and go, she WILL get nice again!! Good Luck and enjoy her!

That sounds like all the 14 year old girls I know. We are just about to have our 14th birthday here, and that what mine has been doing for the last year or so. What kid would not want to get out of everything hard, phsycial, or tune out the people who are making her do stuff she does not want to do? Then, what imature person would not hand back the resposiblities when the going gets too tough to manage alone? It is so typical for her to swing in between the compliant child she used to be, and feel out of sorts with the adult-in-training life that she tries on so frequently. Neither one fits very well, and she is moody.

Just be strong, continue with the dicipline that has always worked with her, and temper that with some understanding that she is probably more worried about who she is than you are. You might try saying what you mean, and meaning what you say, because now, more than ever, her smart mouth will spill over and she will let you have it about things like saying that she did not "listen" when you mean that she did not do what you asked her to do. She has no problem thinking how dumb Mom is (we are dumber than stumps from now until she is around 20, when we suddenly regain our smarts!) to think that it is perfectly OK to not do what you asked, since you just changed it to listening, and not emptiying the dishwasher. She "heard" you, she just did not do what you asked!

Most of all, laugh a little. We are all there right now, if we have that age girl. This too, shall pass. If it makes you feel any better, talk to people who are not her mother about how delightful she is. You will be astounded. I am often struck by this reality. I lead a cadet girl scout troop, and my girls are terrific, but for my own! And, teachers and my child's friends Mom's tell me all the time about how terrific my daughter is (and I think, gee, who in the heck are you talking about, because I would LOVE to meet her!) That may make you feel a lot better to know that when you are not there, she is really "listening."

M.

Put the two of them on a schedule of "physical work".
This week M W F she does dishes, he gets T TH, next week it changes. MOm does them on the weekends. Put it on the calendar with bright marker. You will have to teach him how to do it but eventually he'll get it.

Decide right now what is nonnegotiable, sexting, tattoos, dating at 14, driving priviliges, etc. What are your rules where you will not budge. ON other things you can negotiate the rules, going to the movies with friends, sleepovers with girlsfriends, etc. Everything has a natural consequence and that could be her phone, or computer time, going out with friends on the weekend.

Treat her the way you want to be treated. THis is soooooo hard, but remember to ask her to please wash the dishes. Say Lisa, will you please wash the dishes tonight? I'll dry.

Sit her down and show her the new calendar, tell her you want everyone on the same page but there are rules she must follow or she will lose these things.

I have a 15 year old and she sounds very similar. THey are always right you know, and we as moms know nothing. :o)

Welcome to the wonderful world of teenagers. She is going to be sullen, argumentative and sometimes downright bitchy. This should level out and start to improve in a few years.

Have there been any changes in your family or in the normal routine? Small changes can throw kids off at that age. Could something upsetting have happened to her, and perhaps she's reminded of it sometimes?

If you feel something is wrong, trust your gut feeling.

It sounds like an evaluation would be appropriate. If there's a problem (sometimes physical conditions affect behavior in indirect ways) it can be diagnosed soon and treated, and if there isn't, then you will be able to rest a little easier and perhaps get some advice.

Don't give children a choice in whether or not they get a medical or psychological evaluation. Inform and prepare them, but don't expect a child to choose it. (Many grown men won't choose it, either!)

Let us know how things go and what you find out.

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NEW ADDITION:

I READ THE AGE WRONG! I thought it said that your daughter was 4-1/2.

What you're describing is very, very normal for girls who are ages 13-17ish. Most are worst to their mothers. Hang on tightly, because the peak age is 15. It gets better with nearly all of them around 16-17ish and much better by 18-20.

I've done academic research studies on mother-daughter conflict with adolescent girls. Many adolescent girls are feeling conflicting desires to:
(1) Be independent and be dependent
(2) Be bonded with their mothers and separate
They can't do both at the same time, and feel inner tension that often gets dumped on the parents. Boys are different. They do not feel inner conflict about separating, because relationships are not their main focus as they are with girls.

One of my favorite quotes from a long-time family friend during the time her daughter was a teenager: "When she was 14, an alien abducted my sweet little girl and left this THING in her place!" (said with comical disdain)

Get a book about teen girls or read internet articles. It will be clear to you that this sort of behavior is to be expected of teen girls, even though it is the parents' responsibility to teach them to handle their frustrations, anxieties, etc., in a more appropriate manner.

Your daughter, as a teen, is in a place where she's neither an adult nor is she a child. She herself is confused about her own behavior. Her hormones are changing which adds to the difficulties.

You, also don't know whether to treat her as a child or closer to being an adult. Perhaps she doesn't know how to make decisions. Perhaps she's afraid to make her own decisions. She wants to be taken care of at the same time she wants to grown up.

I suggest that you get the book, Parenting Teens With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Faye. The title may be worded a bit differently but that's close. The authors will help you understand what she needs and how to provide it.

I also suggest reading the book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. How we say things makes a big difference in how others feel about what we say. Knowing how to talk with your teen will help you to have better communication and thus better understanding of what is happening with them.

I don't know what you mean by physical work. Are you telling her she has to get a job and be on her own? Please don't go that direction. She still needs you. Learn how to talk with her so that both of you will be able to manage this difficult time.

Both of these books will help you get along with your son, too. By learning how to talk together with him now, you may have an easier teen time with him.

Welcome to the world of being a mom of a teenage girl. This is just a phase BUT if you dont get a handle on it now she will only get worse. She needs to understand there are going to be things in life that she wont like doing because they are boring or whatever but the sooner she learns to just do it life will be good again. I have a 19 yr old girl & am soooo glad the teenage yrs are over but just let me say it will get harder before it gets easier TRUST me. My daughter & I are finally talking more & she is becoming a very good conversationalist which is nice. I like that she has her own opinions about things that we may not agree on but now at least we can talk without so much arguing not that we dont on occassion. Godd luck with this & just remember to pick your battles.

We have been helped greatly by YokaReeder, and her common sense approach- she is amazing, and I always think- gosh why didn't I think of that-
YokaReeder.com or get her dvds- I watch them over and over just to have that commomn sense around, helps.
best, k