Dating Again?? - Maryland Heights,MO

I am 60 years old...have 2 failed marriages....dated the 2nd time for my son's sake to find a dad. BAD IDEA!!!! concentrate on your son. Find other single moms. Be content. Unless you are totally attracted to a guy...do not date. Even if he is super nice. Your time is too valuable to waste like that. Look into "Parents as partners". Find a good church in which to get involved. Have you ever heard of MOPS????(mothers of preschoolers) I go to Morning Star church and volunteer at the MOPS programs there with the 3-5 year olds. Look on our website : MSCwired.org It is on Feise Road close to Highway N

Best of luck. I am praying for you, K.. Trust that God can direct you. Have patience...He has a plan for you

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i have to slightly disagree with the other post, although many may call me old fashioned - if you're seeing someone, going out to eat, coffee, movies, etc, like they mentioned, with a male, then to them that's dating - to me too. i have never been able to be "just friends" with a man, especially one i did these things with. i may have thought we were only friends, but "he" always endedup up thinking otherwise. even if we were going dutch the whole time! just my experience...maybe i was "friends" with the wrong kind of guys lol...

but i have some thoughts on your question, too...first, there reaches a point in some of our lives (especially single moms!) where "lust" and "attraction" become a lot less important. as we get older, things like security, stability, and loyalty become a lot more important. i have a girlfriend who got a divorce, and spent the next several years dating lots of different guys, cheating on some, bouncing around quite a bit...then she met a somewhat older man than herself, who was all those great qualities i mentioned, and she said, "you know what, he grew on me. and now i'm in love!" it wasn't magic at first sight, but as we get older and more mature we are attracted to different things other than just physical chemistry. you may or may not be at that place. some women are never at that place, some start out that way. everyone is different. just be as honest as you can with him. but take my advice - if you "go out with" him, he doesn't see you as just a friend. good luck...and have fun!

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K.,

I've heard of several marriages that in the beginning one spouse wasn't even attracted to the other spouse, but after they somehow spent some time together they became attracted. I don't know which would be worse being attracted to somebody who isn't good for you...finding out about bad character traits later and having to break up with them, or not being attracted to someone initially but discovering later that he really is a great guy but now he's moved on.

Maybe just to get to know him a little better you could do things together with him and your friend? Or a group setting? If he truly is a nice guy...you might want to take a chance.

If you do give him a chance, check him out carefully. My hubby and I dated for about a month before we were engaged and then were married 2 months later. I am very fortunate that he wasn't a creep and he was totally honest. The worst thing I have discovered about him is his Momma let him grow up sleeping on the couch! As newly weds this didn't surface, but after a back surgery it did and it stayed. However, some guys hide things and change quite a bit once they've got you "hooked".

Sorry about whatever happened with your little boy's daddy. Don't rush into anything and let God lead you to the right one for you.

Blessings!
J.

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I'm going to play devil's advocate and say why not give him a chance? He may not be your "type" and that can be a GOOD thing! Take my husband for example...SOOO not my type. I always dated a particular kind of guy - if he was tall, skinny and really good looking, then I was all over him like a cheap suit. I changed it up and went out with the kinda dorky nice guy and you know what? We're a perfect match. It won't matter what either one of you looks like 30 years from now - when you're old and gray can you still hang out, talk to each other, feel like he's got your back and you've got his? What matters are things like a good character, sense of humor, kindness...these will carry you through with someone you love, not how hot he was in his youth. Anyway, if you're SURE you're ready to date at all (and you may not be) why not give the nice guy a chance?

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it sounds to me that a) maybe you aen't ready to date anyone yet. Having a child on your own is HUGE and takes up a lot of your life, and you are right to be hesitant about who you bring into the lives of you and your son and b) maybe you aen't actually attracted to this man. no body ever said we will like everyone that likes us. Personally I think the guy would get on my last nerve if the feelings weren't mutual haha!

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I figured I would share my story. My son's father decided he didn't want to be a dad when I was ~7 months pregnant, I would have an abortion, so we split up (PS he was fine with it when we first got pregnant). I decided I was going to be single and focus on my son and we did well together, but I know what you mean, we want someone to share it with. My boss and her husband set me up, with a guy that worked with her husband, it was a surprise to both of us, but no one else. As soon as I met him and figured out the set-up, I was like NO WAY, I was not attracted to him AT ALL!! They forced us to hang out all night (until 3am), then I never heard from him though they gave him my number. About a week later it was my birthday and she took me out and forced him to come to lunch. He came and she really pushed he should join us for drinks that night, he did. He was fun and a really nice guy, but I just didn't feel the attraction. Well after that he called me and we started seeing each other, and I don't know when but the attraction grew. About 3-4 months after we were seriously dating he met my son and they bonded instantly, I never expected it like that (my son was 16 months old). We just celebrated our first anniversary and I couldn't be happier. My husband is an amazing father but he's a wonderful husband and I'm very attracted to him now and find it funny sometimes that I wasn't in the beginning. So it can happen, I say if you think it could be fun, go out a few times, there is more than looks, trust me, I think I fell in love with who my husband is not his looks but as that person developed to me, that love made him attractive to me. If in a few dates you feel nothing and aren't looking forward to seeing him, just tell him your not ready, but that you've had fun hanging out. Good luck and as my husband's boss told him before our fist date, you don't have to marry him (well he said her and we did get married, but you don't have to, it's only a date)!! Good luck and have fun!!

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There is a lot of differing opinions here, you need to go with your gut and just be open and honest and completely up front with your friend and this guy if you choose to go out or be at the same places again. If your not attracted, your not attracted, there is no wrong in that feeling. But maybe this guy would be a good guy to get your feet wet and get your nerves back up to date or the possiblity of it.

Good luck with your choice.

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Think about what you want for you & your son. You may be young & settling down is not a priority right now. Or you may be thinking you want to be in a healthy stable relationship sooner rather than later. Also if he is a great person with good character & can be an awesome father to your son, it would be easier to get involved while your son is young. Being attracted to someone is important but luckily for woman being attracted to a man can come later after we get to know them. Best wishes.

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A couple of things to consider:
1. don't introduce any guy you date to your son for a while. He might bond with them and if you don't then it will be a huge let down for your son.

2. Regarding your friend's roommate, I would make her and him aware that you're in the early stages of considering dating but for now you'd like to just be friends and I think you should consider just hanging out with him a few times, maybe even invite her too so that you can get to know him better. Attraction at first glance is highly overrated. You might be around him and feel nothing then he say something that strikes you and those feelings can change. There are a TON of couples in the world who started out as friends then it grew into more. I think those are the best kind. Then if nothing grows, you still have a great guy friend. Just keep your intentions clear from the start so he won't be hurt.

3. When you do meet someone that you're attracted to, don't get SO caught up in the attraction that you forget to ask some real questions about him and his beliefs, intentions, history, finances, children and all that good stuff that will come up down the road. So many people think that just because they are attracted, it's going to be a great relationship. WRONG! Believe me, that will wear off from time to time and all the other realities of life can wear your relationship down or destroy it if you don't have some other things in common or you're not on the same page. The main thing is he should be respectful of you and your son, treat you and your son good, be financially stable. If you start catching any "red flags" then listen to those instincts. Make sure he knows that your child comes first in your life no matter what.

You deserve to have a partner in life so don't feel guilty or bad about wanting to date. Just be careful and smart about it and don't try too hard. The right guy could be just around the corner or standing right in front of you.

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As someone who was in a similar situation until I met my fiance a year and a half ago, my personal opinion is that if you're not interested, don't date him. Hanging out as friends is one thing, but if you already know you don't want things to go further, make sure he knows that so that later he doesn't feel like he's been led on. Good luck!!

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Why not go some places with this guy and others and just let him know you will get to know him as just a friend and then if you later feel like you'd like to go out but otherwise if he 'really likes' you it could be not too fair to him. On the other hand, like some of the other said in posts, you may grow to like him after being around him more. I would be very careful though or you could end up hurting him if he thinks you are attracted to him by dating. 'Nice' is good but that's not all there is to a lifetime of raising a child and building a marriage down the road.

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My thoughts:

You may not be completely mentally/physically ready to date, which is why you may have not been attracted to him.

I would look for friendship first, don't focus on the word "dating" yet. Let him know that you aren't sure if you are ready to hit the dating scene, but enjoy his company. Only if that's true, if so keep it simple. Lunch, movies, local events, always offer to pay your way or just go ahead and pay your way. Just make sure you keep it on the friend level. If you don't really enjoy his company but just you missing a guy's company, do him a favor and just don't pursue anything.

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Good Morning K., you have alot of sound advice from the other Mama's responding. One thing that is very important in any relationship is Your Son. He is the most important person in your life and always will be. So fellas if you want to get to know me You most definitely need to Know my Son is my Superstar. He will not be placed behind or in second place for anyone will always be foremost in my heart.

It's strange but in HS I had more Guy pals then Gal pals. I never dated any of them, but they were guys I could talk to easily, joke with and just hang out at school with. Same when I got married. Don't misunderstand I have some very close gal pals and we share alot of common interests etc. Just seems like I can talk easier to guys sometimes. I never feel uptight or weird talking to our friends. I was so shy in school and growing up, some friends mom's thought I was a snob cause I wouldn't talk alot. I was just shy and thought I wasn't as smart as the other kids to be able to talk in groups.

Thank you Lord that everyone is different and we all don't see things as some do. I am not out spoken but I don't hesitant to join in conversations with anyone.

I guess in a round about way K. I am saying put your son First. I know some people think you shouldn't introduce your child to someone you are dating or thinking about dating for a while. In some ways this is great thinking, in others it's not. Suppose you really like someone then they meet your child and its like water and oil? They said they loved kids but when meeting them you see signs that they really don't care that much about them. Then what?
Then there is the guy that really does like your son, they play together interact great but your just not clicking.

Relationships are difficult in any stage of life, they take determination and alot of work to make the mesh.

Whatever you decide K., your son is first.
*Laughing* One Mama said something along the lines of
(Nana Paraphrasing here) Guys will do anything to get ya, then they stop doing those extra things, They GOTCha now they don't have to work as hard. HOW TRUE!!!!
I think they should just keep on Working on it.
:)) Hubby promised when we moved to TX in 91 they had opera, symphony, stage plays etc.. alot of really awesome things I had always wanted to see and We would do and see them all. LOL WE DID NONE OF THEM!! *Laughing* I remind him of that often still and we have been back to Ks for 12 yrs. We go to plays and theater more since we've been back then ever. Just saw "Wicked" and I would see that Over and Over again.

God Bless you K., pray then pray some more. God has the Perfect Life partner for you and your son.
K. Nana of 5
Sorry I got off topic some.

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K. although being attracted to your mate is said to be a factor in a potential relationship it should not be the factor that decides if you should or should not date someone. It is your heart that decides if you love someone- not your eyes. Your eyes can't tell if a person is a good person or not....but your heart does. Honestly what I would do or what I have done is prayed about it....and I am blessed with a wonderful husband of 8 years.

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I would say give him a chance. Be open with him and tell him you would like to take it slow. Friends first and no kissing until you feel comfortable. Guys can grow on you. Even if he is not super attractive, it really is what's on the inside that counts.

Good Luck!

If you are content merely to give it a try and put yourself out there on the dating scene, this is a perfect opportunity. You know up front that you don't run the risk of getting too attached because of the lack-of-attraction thing, but you need to be honest enough with him to tell him you want it to be casual. But if you're looking for serious dating material, I would say, don't waste your time or his unless he has enough characteristics that have made your "list". (And attraction is on everyone's list, girl! Maybe not right at the top, but it at least makes the list...) It will only lead to disappointment in yourself to have realized you "settled" later and disappointment for him if you let it go on too long and the feelings don't ever become mutual. Not that you have to date only Mr. Perfect, good luck finding him by the way, but you should know yourself enough to understand that you absolutely deserve what you want, not who happens to be pursuing you at the moment.
On the mommy front, you also don't want to example "settling" as the norm for your child because they pick up on the subtleties more than we give them credit for, even at a young age. Think about the message you want your kid to receive- a strong independent mother who goes after what she wants and loves herself enough to let only the worthy into her life. Your son will respect and accept the men in your life to the extent that you do, and if you can't see yourself doing that with this guy, maybe you shouldn't concern yourself with how "SUPER nice" he is.

I say don't do it. Just by your inquiry I can tell it wouldn't be a good idea.

You know there is something to be said about the show "Beauty and the Geek". The not-so-good looking ones usually are smarter and more saavy to taking care of their women because the women don't come to them as easily as they do the beefcakes!

I would certainly give him a chance. I had a friend like this in college. I KNEW he wanted to date me (and badly) but we remained friends for better than a year before I even broke down and gave into dating him. Bottom line, what if you were blind? Would you go out with him? Looks are shallow and although it is a pleasant asthetic to have a good looking guy on your arm, you will always be looking over your shoulder to see what other women are checking him out...who needs the competition?

Give him a chance. Be upfront and tell him what you need first and foremost is a friend. The best husbands are your best friend! If he can't do that first then there is no future no matter how much he, your friend, or you may or may not want it. Frankly, the fact that he is interested in you and willing to date you with a 2 1/2 yr old tells me a lot about his moral character...how many guys do you know out there willing to take on a child that's not theirs in a relationship? It adds a whole new level to the playing field. If you found one of them, I'd say you need to re-evaluate what EXACTLY you are looking for in a man, husband, and father for your child.

Don't go out with him just because he's nice. If your not attracted to him go out as a group a few times first but be honest with him.If he CAN grow on you,it'll happen whether your on a date or in a group setting. Within a group your at least getting to know him and can figure out if you can be attracted to him or not.

My thoughts are that you gotta live life. Go ahead go out once with him. Then you will now if you had fun are not. Sometimes attraction is later to develop. Good luck.