20 answers

Dating - Stockton, CA

Ive been dating someone for the last almost four months now, he is 35 yrs old a hes a school teacher and also a student...oh and a dance instuctor, he has a four year old daughter mostly full time. Hes a great man and very goal oriented but then theres the daughters mother who cant let go and when he wants time for himself or with me, she doesnt want to keep the daughter as per there arrangements on the weekends.I am very glad that he is a responsible father dont get me wrong but he gets upset when we make plans together and then he gets a call that his daughter was dropped off with his roomate unannounced, Theres always an excuse with the daughters mother oh and they were never married either. I really like him and am being very patient with him and his busy schedule because i am also very busy i want him to fullfill all his goals, but i am beginning to get frustrated because the mother does know he is dating me and just makes excuses of why she cant keep their daughter for the time that they have worked out. We live about 40 minutes apart and we arrange when we can hang out together i just dont know what to do, if i should say something to him regarding that he needs to put his foot down regarding that she also needs to take responsibility and stick to there arrangements, i KNOW its not my problem but when hes upset it makes me upset.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

For times that he has his daughter and you want to go out is it possible to hire a babysitter? You may not be able to change his ex wife but you can change how you deal with it.

1 mom found this helpful

If he really wants to spend time with you, he will have a back-up sitter. Maybe you even have a sitter that you can suggest to him.

More Answers

Honestly, You shouldn't even be dating at all until your own children are 18. Let him spend as much time with his child as possible because that is what's important. The chances of it working out between you two are slim to none given you have 4 small kids of your own. It's too hard to mix families together. You both need to focus on your own kids and stay single til their out of the house. The ex is always going to be there so it won't do any good to say anything, with any luck they will get back together for their childs sake.

1 mom found this helpful

There is absolutely nothing you can or should say. This is his situation and his life. If you find you cannot live with that then you need to find another guy. His ex-wife is HIS issue, not yours.

1 mom found this helpful

Having been in this situation I have to say that I admire a man who will keep his kid when the other parent is being a pain.

Others are right - it is his issue to deal with. If the other parent is not sticking to court orders and parenting time, it is his responsibility to take that up with the court. He might do what I had to do: If you are not willing to keep your child on 'your time' then I'll have the order adjusted so that I keep the kids ALL the time. That settled it 100% for me. Now he keeps them on his time and all are happy.

Now, you have 2 options: You can continue to feel resentful and frustrated at his excuses, OR you can see him as a parent who puts his child first...not all that common these days but a very good trait in a parent. You can choose to let him go or you can embrace him and his daughter with open arms and welcome them into your world. How would you feel if you felt put in the position of needing to choose between your child and someone you were dating?

It sounds as if this guy has some very admirable qualities...look at them as positives not negatives. :) Not always easy to do, I know. :) Doing family activities, give you two a chance to see how the kids are together, how he is as a parent - and help you make a choice as to whether or not he is a good option for a long term relationship...or perhaps marriage. :)

Good luck!

Warmly,
J.

1 mom found this helpful

For times that he has his daughter and you want to go out is it possible to hire a babysitter? You may not be able to change his ex wife but you can change how you deal with it.

1 mom found this helpful

Why is the mother the only plausible sitter? If their court ordered arrangements do not involve her having the child on the weekends, then he needs to find someone else to care for his daughter if he wants to go out. If the orders do involve her having the child on weekends, then he may need to take her back to court. The last thing you want is to give the ex the power of being the one who decides how often you see each other!

If he can't find a sitter, couldn't the three of you stay in for the evening together? After all, dating with children is very different than dating before children. When I met my 2nd husband (happily married 3 years now!) we both had children (then ages 4,5,& 6) and nine times out of ten our "dates" involved the whole gang! It should be about getting to know one another, not about wining and dining. Of course, when the opportunity arises to get some time alone, you should jump on it! But in the meantime, if you really want to see each other, you may need to adjust your idea of what a date looks like.

1 mom found this helpful

Are your children patient with you while your dating is cutting into their time???

Dearest L.,
First of all, congratulations on all that you do to be a full time single mom. I have been a single mom for 12 years. By choice. My ex-husband had kids and an ex-wife who made my life so miserable that I will never be with a man again if he has children. I know that sounds extreme, but I had a little daughter when I got married and I was promised all was done and okay between them and I trusted it. And it was a mistake. The other woman would not let go and my husband did nothing about it. It got even worse when I got pregnant. Our marriage only lasted a year after the baby was born. If you can believe this....10 years after our divorce....22 years after his FIRST divorce....my ex-husband took my son to a thanksgiving "get together" with his first wife.
I'm all about people remaining friends or whatever....but while you are single, you have the chance and the CHOICE of deciding what you will and will not tolerate down the line for years to come.
I tried to be first wife's friend and cooperate due to the fact the boys came to stay with us and my daughter and I were treated so horribly that I had to get out.
Don't get married and THEN have to fix it.
As far as cutting in to "your" time....
if the man doesn't designate it as your time and work to make that happen....it isn't YOUR time.
You have boys and you can't put them in a position to get hurt. I say find someone who is a little more available for you or just stay single for a while. Being single...figuring things out for yourself and being there for your children is the best gift you can give yourself and your babies.

What should you say? "I will do nothing that isn't in the best interest of ME and MY children. You can be a healthy part of that, or it was nice knowing you."

Key word.....HEALTHY.
You have to take care of your own children's interests first. You do not want to get in to a stand off with another woman who is looking out for her own kids and hanging on. Even if you mean them no harm. You will not win.

Be good to you and your sons. Raise them to be good men.
Enjoy your blessings and good luck.

Have I got a book for you - It's Called HOW TO GET A DATE WORTH KEEPING! IT was change you perspective on dating and who's a keeper - after reading this book, my friends have definately gotten better quality guys without a doubt!!

R.

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