Dating

I'm so sorry to hear what you guys are going through but try to look at this as an opportunity to show your daughter how to overcome obstacles. Life is full of unpleasant things. In these situations, you have two choices: 1) Look back at think about how things could have gone, how they went and how they should have been or 2) You can look forward by learning more about what happened and focusing on how you can make it right.

You are your daughter's role model. She is looking to you and counting on you to make this right. She is watching on you handle this and you need to find it in you to show her *how* it's done. We,as Moms, don't always make the best decisions but we make the best decisions at the time. Hindsight is what it is and she needs you to show her how to come out on top.

In terms of dating, I would make efforts of going to places where you like to do things- churches, book clubs, coffee shops, parks, etc. You may even talk with some friends about trying to meet more people. Make yourself available. Open up to the possibilities and it will happen.

As for your daughter. You are smart not to involve your daughter into this dating stage. Try to wait until things are really serious. Have a conversation with her about what type of "guy" she thinks would be good for Mommie. Start talking with her about healthy relationships and involve her in the idea of finding a nice guy. Talk with her about unhealthy relationships too and talk with her about what "unhealthy" is. It is so critical for young girls, especially that have been exposed to such a bad situation, to talk wtih them about the difference so that they know how to handle situations going forward and so they don't put themselves in a similiar position.

Another suggestion is that you might consider counseling for both of you to help put the past in the past. I feel bad for both of you but you sound like you have your head on straight and will be able to get both of you past this time.

Best wishes to you both.
N.

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Hi Felicia,
I realize that you may want companionship now for yourself, however if your daughter is that traumatized ,you should not even think about another man until she feels more secure. The best place to find a kind, loving gentleman would be at church! A man that puts God in the fore-front will respect you and your daughter. How long he's been a "Christian "is the first clue. Ask him why he follows Christ, and how has
it changed his life. Above all get started praying, for healing for the 2 of you, and thank God that you and your daughter made it out alive!!!!!
God bless you and your future.
In Christ, J.

P.S. Remember, friendship is the foundation you want to build on , not physical or emotional!

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There are many wonderful men out there. I know several who have recently been married. You should try eharmony.com. I know several people who have found someone wonderful on that site. Do not look in bars for a man...go to church and find a wonderful guy. Get to know the man and date him for longer than a year before deciding if you want to marry him. Sounds like you have been doing the right thing by going to counseling. My roommate from college married an abusive guy and after they divorced she was very cautious and her 2nd husband is an awesome husband and father. Take things slow and use good judgement, there are great men out there to be found!!!

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Wow I can't imagine how hard that would be for you. Try to keep positive. If it were me I would start out slowly. If you're not ready to date there isn't anything wrong with staying single. I would try to make some guy friends first and get used to a few guys who are decent in a platonic way. You can work on dating later. That's how I fell for my husband. I thought all guys were complete jerks and refused to date anyone. My husband was married when I first got to know him and we became very very close because he was "safe." (No married guy would hit on me!) We became almost best friends - and later when his marriage fell apart I was the shoulder he cried on. Eventually we started dating and got married a few years after that. I say start slow. Work through issues one at a time. Good luck!

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A very sensitive issue here. First and foremost, you have to let go of any blame for being in that relationship. We all do things for our own reasons and often times, mistakes are made. Forgive yourself first, learn from that mistake and move forward using what you have learned to be better prepared to make better decisions. I have been in situations like that in the past and I had to accept my part in them and figure out what I was doing or should do to improve my life. I have learned that I didn't love myself the way I should have and the low self-esteem played an intricate part in me looking for the best in the worst kind of men. It took me years to finally love myself and build confidence in myself in every way from the way I dressed, to the decisions I made. We attract people to us who are like us. Figure out who you are and embrace that. Make the changes you need for you and be totally comfortable with you before you seek a mate. When you know what you want, you will only look for that and nothing unsavory will get by you. Remember you control what a person does to you. People will only do to you what you allow them to. If the man you meet isn't meeting your new and improved standards, let him go. Life is too short to deal with the wrong for so long. I think it's best you keep your daughter hidden so to speak until you know for sure that someone will be a permanent fixture in your life. You don't want her to meet a bunch of different guys until you meet the right one. You just want her to meet the right one. Take your time. If you are a God fearing woman, ask your God to help you in this process. You are beautiful, exceptional, wonderful and purposeful. Find someone who compliments that. I don't know you, but I'm absolutely sure you possess all of those qualities. You deserve the best. Be the best you first, then go out and find the rest.

Blessings,

T. C - single mom of 2 of the fiesty girls in the world. I feel sorry for any weak minded guy that encounters these tough cookies

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I think both of you should get counseling. together and seperate there are special groups for children who can get together with kids their age and talk about there feelings etc. once you feel strong and independent you will be able to trust your gut with the men you meet. good luck

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Try a singles group at a local church. A dear friend of ours went through a messy devoice and he started going to the singles group a Willow in Barrington. He ended up meeting a lovely woman on a missions trip that they attended together. Two years later and they are getting married in August. He was in an abusive relationship with his wife before there divorce and was not ready to start dating either and this worked out very well for him. Just an idea.

S.

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Hey Fee,

I was a woman that had trust issues because of a man who cheated on me constantly. You have to let go and let God sweetie. My daughter and I was very happy with it being just us at home, but God has sent a man that not only loves me but her as well. Have faith and trust first but don't give your all in the beginning. The right man shouldn't suffer from what the wrong man has done to you. Continue to put God first and pray consistantly. We all deserve happiness and it's out there for everyone.

A.

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F. - Agree with all the responses. Counseling, therapy, etc. Take advantage of all the tools available. As for the dating, I also agree to not involve your daughter. I've been solo for eight years, having dedicated all that time to working to survive and my daughter. Last year I realized at some point I will want to date. So I told my daughter we need to come up with a name for my "boyfriend" - the point was, I wanted her to get used to "talking, laughing, etc." about someone besides the two of us.

So we came up with the name "Thomas O'Malley" - he's the alley cat from the cartoon the Aristocats. He ultimately saves the day for the mom cat and her kittens. Well, there is still no "Thomas O'Malley" in our lives, but we do talk about him from time to time. How funny, safe, and nice he is. How maybe he likes to paint or sing.

Again, this is for later on, but it seems to really have opened both of us up to the potential of having a kind, nice man come into our lives.

All the very best to you and your daughter. Trust me, it's been eight years and I'm so glad I put her first!

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Hi F., Maybe you may want to be ready to date but maybe your not. Have you tried counseling with your daughter. It would be ashame if she goes around her whole life afraid of men she needs to hear from someone other than yourself that all men aren't bad. I had also been in a bad marriage for 10 yrs and even though I am remarried 18tn yrs I still don't trust men very much. I like them but as soon as a man yells near me or says something rotten about women I have anger or great anxiety. I recently went back to counseling because of a really bad past. So anyway I wish you luck. Take care A. P.S. Sometimes I wish there was a planet just for women to escape from men for awhile Hah Hah!

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I understand your not trusting anyone, its hard after you've been hurt. I'm not sure of your religion, if any, but church would be the way to go. You atleast would be able to trust them better.

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I wholeheartedly agree with Nicole. You and your daughter have been through a very difficult time but you also have a unique opportunity to teach your daughter how to move past the past and forge ahead with strength and confidence.

She definitely takes her clues from you so be conscious that you don't project your fear or unability to trust onto her. Obviously this is much more difficult to do than to say so perhaps counseling for the both of you is a good idea.

I just learned the other day from my daughter's psychologist that up to the age of about 8 is a very critical time to mold and cultivate children and prepare them for the next stages in life. Don't wait, talk with your daughter and teach her that not all men are bad. The idea Nicole had about talking to your daughter about what a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship is, as well as "involving" her in determining what a good man for mommy would be is, I think, a great idea for you to help her with these issues as well as strengthen your bond, and maybe even prepare her for a future male bond with that someone important in your life.

Good luck. I really hope you both find happiness and peace.

Jen

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I believe if you can start and maintain a healthy relationship for some time, then it is okay to introduce that person to your daughter once you are comfortable. It is healthy for every child to have BOTH parental figures in their life. If that cannot be your ex, than another positive example (a boyfriend, your parent, uncle) can be a suitable alternative. Do not deny your self the beauty of meeting someone who could fullfill theis role for you and your daughter. If your heart is open, you will meet the right one! Call me a romantic, but that is what happened to me.
My single neighbor LOVES Adventure Singles group. She goes to Cubs games, hikes, skydiving, white water rafting, even went on a European vaca last year with the group. She seems to love it and you are meeting people outside of a bar.
Best of luck--
R.

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