Dating? - Chesapeake,VA

Well first things first. Don't freak out on her. Ask her questions, talk to her, show and interest in what she is doing. But don't freak out. You want to keep the lines of communication open. You could ask her what she thinks "dating" means and why she likes this boy.

But 11-year-olds should NOT go to the movies alone together, even if it's all girls. That's too young to be unsupervised in a theater. And especially if she is thinking this is a double date. Tell her group dating is for high school. She's still a little girl and you simply won't allow it, even if the other parents do.

My girls are 12. They've never gone to the movies without me. Neither of them have ever had boyfriends.

I would ask her what it means to her to have a boyfriend. If her idea of having a boyfriend is the same as having a girlfriend...only it's a boy, then by all means. If she's getting to the point where she thinks a boyfriend is all about holding hands, kissing and whatnot, then go with her and her friends to the movies. Just sit behind them and keep an eye out.

Oh, hell no. I'm fine with my nearly 11 year old daughter having friends that are boys but absolutely no boyfriends until she's 16 years old. She's well aware of this rule and teases me about it, but she has also said that she's relieved that she can fall back on, "My mom doesn't let me date yet" because the whole idea scares her. It's too much pressure for her. I see her anxiety skyrocket when she tells me about her "friend boys" and her girlfriends talking about "dating" and going on their version of dates and kissing. As soon as I tease her about not dating until she's 16, she grins and I see visible relief.

For those that think that at this age it's just about innocent hand holding and a peck on the cheek or innocent first kisses, you're fooling yourself. My best friend taught at an inner city middle school for years and there were several 11-13 year old girls getting caught giving their boyfriends BJ's in the stairwells and even more girls that age that were pregnant each and every year. These girls thought it was fine because it was "just with their boyfriends" who they were holding hands with.

I'm just saying to be realistic. It's not innocent like it was when we were little kids (I'm 36). Things are much more sexualized now. That's just a fact. I plan on keeping open communication with my daughters and empowering them, which means teaching them to become women that don't need to have a boyfriend in order to be complete or to be valued or special. I want my girls to value themselves before they start dating.

Therefore, hell no to dating at 11.

Kids want to grow up quickly, it isn't healthy. I would never have allowed my older daughter to date before 16, as it is she decided to not date until 18 but didn't actually date until 19. I guess I am lucky because if my ten year old came home with a boyfriend I will have backup. Her sister would be flying back here in record speed to make sure she understood how stupid she was being.

11 is beyond waaaayyyyy too young!

"Dating" in her words just means boyfriend. It's not like real dating the way it was when I was younger.

A lot of the Middle Schoolers have a boyfriend or girlfriend and it is nothing more than sitting together at lunch, etc.

When my daughter was about 12, she did go to the movies with groups of friends which was coed. She did not have a specific boyfriend at the time. It was just a large group of friends, dropped off at the movies by parents and picked up by parents.

I never made a huge deal about it because I have seen other parents who have made a huge deal of it end up with their girls sneaking out, etc.

My policy from day 1 was side open communication lines with daughter... no topic is off limits. We talk about EVERYTHING.

Of course on these friends to the movies outings, I made sure she was aware of what some boys are after, how to handle herself, etc. My daughter is a black belt and you just touch her wrong and she will lay you out cold.

I don't think it is that big of a deal as long as you are both open and honest with each other, including your fears for her and your expectations of her.

My daughter is 16, all honors, AP classes, cheerleader, very driven to excel, responsible young woman. I have been known to comment when she now goes on dates with her boyfriend who is attached to her hip basically that goes like this "you guys be careful, you know how a baby would throw a huge kink in your plans for your studies in Italy and your college". Of course, I get the "oh MOOOOMMMMM" but the message is out there..

They have to socialize so when the day comes when they do date one one one, they can get along with and relate to others well. We can't let them live under rocks all their lives and then expect them to not rebel when they are let out!!

Communication and Moderation!

First off, do you know this boys parents?

Second, it's puppy love! AWW!!

Third, boyfriend/girlfriend stuff at that age is like sweaty hand holding. My BFFs daughter is going through the same stuff. My BFF was having a heart attack until she literally made me go super sleuth and 'check' on her daughter and friends at the mall. It was totally innocent and super cute (I happened to already be at the mall, so I figured I'd see what all the fuss was about, really, it was nothing).

Safety in numbers! If they want to go with a group, awesome. I have 2 daughters, but they're still at the age where gender is nothing. I'd go ahead and take them all... as long as someone is chaperoning, no big deal!

I would sit down and talk with my daughter about what she perceives "going out" and "dating" to be.

It should have already been decided between you and your hubby at what age dating was/is acceptable in your home.

When I was 11 - aaaahhhh those years!! :) dating wasn't like it is today. I wasn't watching MTV (it hadn't been invented yet) and girls like Brittney Spears, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan weren't in my face every day making me feel inferior for any slight pre-puberty pudge I had. I also didn't see condom commercials nor did I see TV shows and movies where sex was EVERYTHING....

I couldn't date until I was 16. Prior to that - if I wanted to go to the movies with friends - especially with boys - my sister or a parent accompanied us. If I didn't like that - I was welcome to stay home.

I feel 11 in too young and my daughter wouldn't have tried it, thankfully she was satisfied with competitive softball and figure skating at that age. She also knows that the whole "going out" stuff is pretty stupid because they never really go anywhere that young. It sounds like your eleven year old is pushing it rather early for a double date.

I sell laboratory testing including testing for sexually transmitted infections. The average age now (across the US) is twelve years old for their first sexual encounter!! That is crazy! I would do my best to minimize this and guide my daughter to make good decisions without putting her on lock down.

Yep that's about the age it starts. I would be okay with group dating going to the movies, skating or spending time at each other houses doing homework or for family get togethers. No solo dating until 15-16.

I am sooo glad I am past this stage. My baby is 20.

I don't know about the going to the movies, but my daughter has been "going out" with boys since kindergarten. all it really means is they like someone. At that age I am not sure that I wouldn't sit in the back of the theater when they went out, even with same sex friends. but I guess times have changed a lot.

A bunch of kids going to a movie together? I don't see a problem.

My oldest (a girl also) just turned 11 this week and right now I'm glad it isn't me facing this situation lol. I obviously have no advice for you but want to thank you for asking the question. I will be reading your responses and keeping them in the back of my head for when the time comes that I'm in the same situation. Good Luck.

I don't allow my kids to have boyfriends/girlfriends or date until age 16. There is too much drama associated with this. Girls get their feelings hurt and drama, drama, drama. Boys are immature and don't know how to treat a girl right. LOL I just saved my kids some grade school heart ache and told them early on no boyfriends, no girlfriends, no dating, no going out until they're 16. My 16-year old had her first boyfriend right after her birthday. Needless to say, she broke up with him after 2 months. On the other hand, if your daughter likes a boy and you don't mind this, then you can monitor them and make sure it stays innocent, fun and appropriate for her. They grow up too fast, huh? Good luck!!

When I was 11 "going out" with a boy meant we held hands & talked on the phone. Kids these days are bombarded with sex everyday, and most of the messages they see are saying casual sex is normal & OK.
I really don't want to freak you out, but an 11 year-old is could be making out & thinking about (or being pressured into) more. My sister was 12 her first time- 7th grade- she really wanted to be "popular". That was 20 years ago! Luckily for her she turned out to be a normal adult, but anything could have happened. Again, sorry, hope I didn't scare you. You know your daughter best.

I agree that her idea of dating could be very different from yours. But find out what her definition is!! And let her know what yours is. And keep the lines of communication open. I read a book about children ages six to nine and it said if your child asks about sex to answer them. In an age appropriate way of course. But don't give them the birds and bees story, and don't hold off til they're older. The reason being if they get comfortable asking you from the start, they'll still ask even when they get to the age where it's embarassing. There's also a book called The Princess and the Kiss, about a princess who realizes her first kiss is a gift and she's not going to give it to just anybody. Be sure to stress to her how important she is and to not give her heart too quickly.

WAY too young.
They don't even know what dating is.

But yes, keep open communication with her. So that she tells you things, in the future.

If I may say: when I was in middle school.... kids went out in mixed gender groups. Friends. Some of them, were "couples." Once their parents dropped them off at their outing... the "couples" split up away from the group. And made- out/groping each other, etc. But... by the time the parents picked them up at their designated spot, well, the "couples" were already back with their friends/the group. And yes, the parents did NOT know... these "couples" split up, away from the group.
These were normal "good" typical kids who excelled in school, and were from normal good everyday families. Not delinquents.

So, keep that in mind.

Kids, pre-teens and teens... will say what their parents want to hear. Or make light, of their "boyfriend."
So that they (the parents), yes, 'calm down.'

Personally I think too young of a group to go (unsupervised) to a movie. Now, if they don't mind sitting in the back of the theater, driving them there and back.....maybe OK.

first you need to decide whether dating is allowed in your house and if so then what age can they start. this should have already been determined (in my opinion) but if not you and her dad need to discuss it. i personally wouldnt want my kids to "go out" or date but we can't exactly stop them from this while they are at school all day. i like the idea of her going in a big group and i'd be the mom that would take them where they are going and either see the same movie a few rows away or at least another show at the same time or walk the mall if that's where it was so that i'd be there when they were done to take them home. at this point in time in their lives a future spouse isn't something they need to be worried with and if that isn't why you are dating/going out then there is no valid reason. that's my honest opinion. i know she won't agree and will think it's not fair but these are the facts of life and i wish i'd followed them myself at that age. my daughter is 11 also and she has boys she thinks are worthy of her attention but that's as far as it goes. try not to push her too far though or she'll do it anyways out of spite if anything else. make your feelings known and go from there. hopefully she will choose to listen more than not:)

My oldest is an 11 year old girl who thankfully still thinks boys are gross. Dating isn't going to happen in our house until much older and I would have a hard time letting her go into a movie theater at 11 without my being there even with just a group of girls.
Good luck with your preteen.......set up the rules now for boys!

At 11 and 12, kids are "going out" with each other but that pretty much means they like each other. Solo dating I think they are too young for. My daughter dated at almost 14. Group dates and supervised dates are a little different but I feel like 11 is a little young. At that age, most of this "going out with" lasts a few weeks, then they "break up" and move on to someone else and typically no actual dating is going on

oh good grief. I have a twelve year old cousin that is "in love." Yeah, right. My mom said I could group date at 14 and single date at sixteen. I had stupid little boyfriends at that age too. They each lasted oh....a week I think? Have you had the dating talk with her yet? By 11 my mom had already told me I couldn't date till 14, that didn't stop me from having "boyfriends" at school. I am going to say you already have a plan of attack on this, go with your gut. If your gut says no, then no. Don't freak out, but you have every right to tell her you don't want her dating till she is older.

I'd say it is probably innocent. But I would want to know the boy and his parents, and the other friends as well. I also think it's never too early to talk to your kids about sex. I highly doubt she is thinking about more than a hug or a kiss from this boy, but you never know. I would make sure she knows you are open to discussing things. 11 does seem a little young for no parental supervision, though. I mean wouldn't they have to go to a PG or G movie? I think I was at least 13 before I started asking my parents for things like that. Go with your gut!