Dating! - San Clemente,CA

L., I have boys and I wouldn't let them date at 14. Any "dating" you are letting her do should be in groups, him coming to your house for dinner and TV, and you shouldn't let them go into her bedroom.

D.

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It's incredibly naive to trust a teenage boy with all your heart. I don't care how long you've known him. Same goes for a teenage girl, even if she's your daughter.

Fourteen is too young to be dating. These kids should never be left alone together, or be allowed to go places as a couple. They should be able to do things with friends at school or at a school event, period. Aren't they in 8th grade? I have an 8th grader who is 14. I wouldn't in my wildest dreams consider letting her date. I also have a 23-year-old so I've been through this before. You need to hold off on allowing dating for a few more years.

A good quick book to read on this is called "I want to talk with my teen about love, sex and dating." Get it and read it and start communicating with your daughter about your expectations.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dating-Want-Talk-about/dp/0784...

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My son is 15 and has his first girlfriend. What I am learning is that dating at 15 is very different from dating at 17/18. My son and his girlfriend hang out at school before classes, since she is in band with him, they hang out at competitions and on break at football games. They text constantly, but they never go out. I took them once to McDonald's on lunch break during practice on day, and he joined her and her family at a matinee another day - other than that there have been no dates.

They do not go to each others homes and hang out, though he brought that up last night. I told him she could come over for dinner one night and then stay and visit and watch TV in the family room, but she will not be allowed to take the bus home with him, nor spend the night - the stuff that his guy friends are occasionally allowed to do. Bless his heart - he doesn't see the difference as he is committed to abstinence, but I am way more realistic and believe in avoiding temptation. He is so naive. LOL

Anyhoo, you have to decide what defines dating. Having the boy over for dinner and tv and games while well chaperoned is, I think, appropriate for this age bracket. Movies with the family - maybe letting the "couple" sit in a separate area of the theater - is fine. Goofy golf, go karts, things with groups of others are all fine to me. Being alone? without adults or peers? Not okay by me.

I want my son to enjoy having his first girlfriend but I also want to instill age appropriate limits and, through this first experience, teach him dating guidelines for the future.

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I recently went through this with my now 16 year old daughter. I say definitely hold off on dating. There is no reason for a 14 year old to be dating. DO NOT TRUST TEENAGERS! Even the good ones, if left alone for a few minutes, can have sex.

Been there, done that.

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My mom had me wait till 16 and I did the same with my boys. It's up to you. When in doubt, dont let them be alone.

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Wait as many years as you can.

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Well, I may be the minority but I think it DOES make a difference that you've known him so well and for so long. More important, I think is to set good rules for "what" constitutes dating for now. Maybe you decide he can come over, she can go there, common areas only--no bedroom access, no closed doors?

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They are already dating. You said so yourself. If you try to pull them apart now, all you'll do is drive them closer together and send them into sneaking and hiding what they are doing. The best thing to do is limit their alone time. Make sure they are chaperoned or monitored when they are together - discretely...
Don't make a giant to-do about all of this. They might just decide that they'd rather be the good friends they were before all of this dating stuff started. Definitely talk to your daughter about sex and pregnancy and tell her what your choice would be for her.

LBC

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I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. My daughter wasn't allowed to date until she was 16.

Wouldn't matter to me if I knew the kid all of my life - it's called raging hormones and at 14 are they really going to exhibit self-control?

YOU are the parent...YOU are in control. YOU set rules and boundaries.

If you are "worried" that is your gut telling you to wait. Listen to it.

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Let's be realistic here people, kids start "pairing up" in elementary school even. It just looks different at each age and you have to decide what you are comfortable with and what the limits are.

Starting in later elementary school, kids will "date", "go out", "go together" or whatever they want to call becoming "boyfriend/girlfriend", but to them this is nothing more than a title and maybe some goofy internet chatting or texting. They don't actually go places together, and usually don't head into the physical realm (maybe the more advanced couples for that age are hand-holding, I don't know).

By the end of High School they go out a lot, alone and in groups, talk daily and can become very devoted and even start to be part of each others families.

So age 14 is going to fall somewhere in between there. You're not going to stop them from "dating" (whatever that means to them), but if you're talking actual dates, like what they are allowed to do and where they are allowed to go... I would not to leave them alone together just yet! :)

When you say "should I wait one more year?" I'm not sure what you are asking... one more year until you allow them to go on a date alone (yes, I would wait) or one more year til you even acknowledge she has a "boyfriend"? I don't think you can stop the romance now, they are sweet on each other no matter what you allow her to call it. But you do control what you allow them to do and how often they can see each other and in what environment.

Are they both in High School? If so, I say go ahead and let them be a couple, just monitor it, create the boundaries, and encourage your daughter to take it slow. Crushes, falling in "love", and trying out relationships are all normal parts of teenage life! If they are still in Jr. High, however, I would hold them back a bit longer and try to keep it just a cute, superficial kind of thing.

Well does it have to be super official? I mean, they have known each other a long time so that is great, you know him, all good. Do you know the family? Maybe he can come to some family game nights sometimes or she can go out with him in groups (like with the church youth group) etc. Or with a chaperoned group of young people. I think if you set the rules of what dating is, that would be good. I don't think you can help when your child becomes interested in someone but you can control the parameters of that relationship. No going in the bedroom ever, group or family outings only, no going to his house unless you do know the parents and know the standards are the same. I think that is what I would do in that scenario. Just don't provide opportunity for them to have exclusive alone time, and no major dates like on Valentine's etc. No being on the phone every second etc. I think that is how I would handle it, rather than tell her she could not have feelings for him now. Good luck!!!

Hi L.,

Since I see you're near (in) South County, there is a company called "Birds and Bees Connection" based nearby. They offer classes for tweens, teens, and parents dealing with this sort of thing. I have talked with my tween, but we took a class that BaBC offered and I felt it was a good starting point for us, with lots of good tips. The manager, Leslie, has a very down-to-earth, easy approach method of teaching. While I can only speak about the class my daughter and I took (body changes), I can say that I was pleased with the class and how the information was presented. You may want to check them out to see if a tandem class for you and your daughter might be helpful.

Take care,
L.

if you forbid it it will encourage it...BUT with that said, you're naive to trust them at all. Hormones make them diferent, and the feeling of falling in love is so much stronger at that age than any other age, that mixed with their maturity and ability to think things will last forever makes it very dangereous to trust them. I was 15 on the dot (my bday) when I started dating my ex who i was with til i was 26, and I can tell you that we werent as innocent as you'd hope, although from the looks of it, we were straight edge, no drugs, drinking, or anything else, but yea the whole dating wasnt innocent. BE CAREFUL and educate them NOW=) GL

Set the bar, then stick to it! I like to consider the poss. of pregnancy. Is the couple old enough to own up if it should happen? Then, no dating. Sometimes parents say, "You can't have a cell phone until you are 16." The child says "All the kids have them at 11" So, the parent says, "OK, I go with 14." No, it's ok to say 16, if that is what you believe is right for your family. Stick to the bar you set, no matter what other people say or do. Trust your gut and what you know in your head is right. Are they going to be mad? Yes, probably. Are they going to rebel? They may. But you have to do what is right and not what is popular. We teach them right and wrong, and then when they are older they will decide for themselves. A great book is "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. That is if courting is something you might think is healthy. It is rough to be parents of teens for sure! The more you put in though, the more fruit you'll bear.

I dated at 14. My older daughter did so too. My younger one wasn't ready. I decided to have serious talks with my children about birth control rather than hope for the best.
It is AIDS and pregnancy I cared about as well as the emotional health of my children.
Lucky me my trust paid off. I raised them as spiritual God loving human beings and so they are to this day. Mothers both and not before their mid twenties.
The time a child begins to date depends on their emotional maturity.

I guess it depends on how you define "dating". At this age, they can't drive themselves anywhere so they are going to have to depend on you guys for rides. I would be fine with dropping them off at a movie and then picking them up aftewards. Or letting them sit by themselves at a casual restaurant while you guys sit near by. Or them doing things as a group with other kids. If they do something as just the 2 of them, it needs to be in a public place. If they have been friends since childhood, talk to his parents and make sure you are all on the same page. I would not allow them to spend any amount of time alone in each others house or at a gathering at another friends house that didn't have direct adult supervision.

I would not allow my daughter to go on a date with a boy in a car out somewhere on their own until she was able to drive herself.

I think if you have some clear rules in place, and certain limits, it can be okay. But while he might be a really good kid, that doesn't mean something can't happen. You might have known him all his life, and that's GREAT, but they are teenagers now, with all the hormones that come with being teenagers. If you haven't already, I would also sit down with your daughter and have a talk with her about pregnancy, STDs and protecting herself. Make it clear what your expectations are of her. Talk to her about her future. If she is planning to go to college and/or has other long-term goals in mind, she doesn't need something like getting pregnant to get in the way of that. My cousin raised 4 sons and always asked them, when they were getting more serious with a girl, what they would do if they got the girl pregnant. And if they were not prepared to take care of a baby, or have to make a difficult decision, they shouldn't be having sex - because while kids need to know about birth control and protecting themselves, they also need to know that nothing works 100% and anything can fail at any time. Keep having these conversations with her and let her feel that she can talk to you and come to you with any problems or questions that may come up.

I think for actual dating 14 is to young, teenage pregnancy is over the top. I have seen baby's born to teenage couples who the girls parents trusted because of how long they have know him or he's a good kid, and then you are using the word kid and dating in the same sentence. My kids are grown so we have been through the dating years, school provides enough preasure forv our teens with out adding dating on to it. J.

You are already allowing her to date. There is no waiting one more year.

Just keep talking with her and listening to her. Answer all her questions. Set consistent rules. Then, a young girl needs caring parents, knowledge of sex and contraception and all that, the self-confidence to say "no", and mostly needs plans for the future, to get through high school dating.

I started dating when I was 14. He was 16 and owned his own car. I was given no rules, curfews, or anything. I did have plans for college and a career, and this helped me make reasonably good decisions in dating.

Our philosophy, so far, is that teen years are best spent exploring your interests, passions, and call from God. That is hard to do when you're distracted by another young teen who probably hasn't done those things yet either.

Are there exceptions to the rule? Probably. But at our house there just has not been a pull in that direction, and I'm thankful. There is plenty of time for that down the road.

If I were going to allow it - it would have to be supervised at ALL times.

What do they mean by dating? In my experience it means that they hang out at school and in groups after school. If this is the case it's fine. If it means going out in the evening alone, then not its not fine. Good luck though, this is the sort of thing you should have evaluated when they first started dating. If you need to pull the plug now be prepared for a whole storm of ugliness from your daughter.

I suppose it depends on what you mean by "dating". Nowdays that can mean anything from a platonic friendship which might include just saying "I love you" and holding hands to things even consenting adults shouldn't get up to! I think you're lucky that your daughter is "testing the water" with a boy that you know, like and trust. Age and maturity are 2 different things, but my experience has taught me that if you try and "forbid" dating you are pretty much going to guarantee that she'll start sneaking behind your back or lying to you! My daughter is 15 years old. Her first "boyfriend" was last year and lasted 3 months (she broke up with him). The reason that she got rid of this guy (who, for the record, I didn't like) was because he was too possessive and tried to control her. I have learnt that it's best to be nice to whoever your kids fancy until they don't fancy them any more! Unfortunately we can't protect them from broken hearts, but by always reminding them that we're there for them and they can tell us anything, we have the best chance of being able to help them through the tough times. Hope this helps!

My daughter is currently 12, but I have already told her she won't date until she's 16, and then only in groups. I don't trust any teenage boys, even if I have known them forever. Hormones always get in the way. Better safe than sorry.