Dallas, Texas! Hubby's Job Opportunity, and Some Issues. Need Some Advice, Pleas

Updated on January 28, 2011
R.K. asks from Lewisville, TX
22 answers

Hi Moms!

For some time now, me and my hubby always talked about how pricey living in NJ is. I was always up for moving, if we ever decided...

Thing is... an opportunity came along at my hubby's job that would make him switch to their Dallas, Texas office. He has 3-6 mos to decide, since it's a pretty big decision. We both grew up in NJ, and all of our family are still here and close by. We see family every week or so.

The reason for this move is because my hubby is overworked at his job. His commute alone is 45min away (on a good day), so he leaves at 7 in the morning, and comes home around 7:30 at night. He can't leave work earlier than 6:30 during the week, because then he'll sit in 2hrs traffic. So when he gets home at 7:30, the kids are either in bed or being read to. He's also always doing work. When he comes home, he'll continue finishing up on work. The weekends come, and he does more work. He'll take a breather and come up to see and play with the kids, but then goes back to work downstairs. This annoys the heck out of me, and there have been stress b/c of his overworking. Because of his overworking, our relationship hasn't been that great. I think this is the real reason why I'm so hesitant on this move. We really haven't been that connected since he's not around that much. I suggested moving closer to work, but its North Jersey, and we can't afford living there now. If we did move closer to work, it would still be a commute for him, since we can't afford a place near his job.

My real concern is since my hubby works all the time, we really lost our connection. It drives me NUTS that our weekends are spent, with me playing with the kids, while he takes a break from work, and plays with them. They adore him, and always look for him, its just really, really sad for me to see this. But I cover it up, b.c I always think it has to get better, and I don't get how he could put his job first, and not want to be with his kids... (But this is what "I think". I never tell him this, b/c he ALWAYS tells me, he misses playing with the kids, and watching them grow up, that is the reason why he wants to move) But since he is ALWAYS working, we just really don't have much to say to each other. We joke around during the day, but the main conversation is always very light. I want to stay positive and think that if we do move, he wil be around more, and that our relationship will get better, and that he will be more involved with the children, but I'm just confused right now. I would not want to move there, and then have a disaster.

I appreciate all of your answers.

* Please no judgments either, thanks!

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone for all your responses. I truly appreciate them. And, I would have never thought to check out the commuting issue, and didn't realize it isn't the best city for quick commutes.

So, me and my hubby will take a week vacation to Dallas (during the week - YAA!), to get a feel for the area, traffic and housing. After doing that, we'll think more about what we'll do. My hubby is also in agreement about not sitting in traffic, since he already does it now.

Thank you again for all the positive vibes about a really hard decision.

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S.D.

answers from Dallas on

Dallas is definitely cheaper than NJ, so that is a plus. But depending on how far away you live from his office, he will still have to deal with traffic. Is the job here going to require less of his time? I guess that is really the big question.

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T.S.

answers from Dallas on

I think that moving is a good option for the two of you to have a fresh start, make new promises and rules to have a happier, less stress filled life once you get here. Enjoy life a little more. I moved to Dallas from Minnesota and I have to be honest, moving from a location that has such drastic weather changes is really an emotional lift that I didnt recognize I had.

I wish you guys luck and think its a smart move :)

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K.B.

answers from Tulsa on

Dallas may not have less of a commute, depending on where you live.
Plus, you would be away from your family and your support.
Texas is one place I have lived. I always enjoyed visiting Dallas, but I hated the traffic and crowds everywhere. The husbands of my relatives all commuted and put their kids into "the good school" so you would not see him more necessarily.
Texas, except for Austin, is conservative with lots of fundamentalists. I don't know your views, but that is something to consider. Kids still pray at sporting events in many places and that is offensive to some. And in many small towns, Yankees and outsiders are never really accepted.

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C.B.

answers from Dallas on

Well, he might have the same type of commute here in Dallas- depending on where you live(we are 30 miles S/W of Dallas, in a great area!) You two really need to sit down and talk about what this move would mean for his work schedule- would he have the same work hours he has currently? or would he be working less- like just at work and not at home?
Really do your homework and compare cost of living here vs there- look into the neighborhoods that you would like to raise your kids in- some cities south of Dallas- more north of Dallas- they are more expensive, but you don't have the crime and the schools are a lot better- Dallas schools are not very good at all.
If this is something you both are seriously considering- take a couple weekends (one now and one in a couple months after more research/talking about it) just you two and look around the area. See what you like and don't like out here and if it really is something you can live with out here. How long would this transfer be? Will this be home until he retires or just for a couple of years?
We get a little bit of snow in the winter(I think we had an inch a couple of weeks ago!) but the wildflowers out here are awesome!
I think for me, that if he was going to have the same work schedule in Dallas as he does where you are at now- I would stay put. I would want the support of family and friends nearby if I had to deal with that. But you also need to sit down with him and see how you and your kids can become more of a priority- over his work. Yes, his job is important- but you two need to figure out if it is more important than your family. It's sacrifice time with family now, or sacrifice lots of money and possibly more security later. We chose to sacrifice the money- and there have been hard times with that way too! Just find out what will work best for your family!
good luck!
~C.

2 moms found this helpful

S.G.

answers from Austin on

we moved from the east coast to Austin and it was the best thing we ever did.

1. people in texas are the friendliest folks you will ever meet!
2. the stress level went down significantly for us both
3. traffic is so much better!
4. my husband gets to spend 100x more time with us
5. because of the simple, more laid back attitudes of texans, I feel we have slowed down as well and that has helped our family stress level decrease
6. texas doesnt have state income tax- that's a plus!
7. dallas has some of the best food, spas and museums you'll ever encounter! hello date night? (so does austin, so make a point to take a trip down here lol)
8. are you a sahm? the playgroups in the areas are wonderful. find one as soon as you get here. ive found they involve the dads too with family outings.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

I guess...I don't understand what your question is. Problems don't go away when you move. They can get a little better, if his workload is lightened. The disconnect will remain, though. Moving (or not moving) will not reconnect you. The only thing that will, is him being around more and him being willing to bump up your relationship on the priority list. Dallas is WAY more affordable then New Jersey. The traffic, is worse. It was #5 on the worst traffic in America for 2010. It is easier to find a home closer to work cutting down on traffic time, though. There are also many different highways to choose from. I got a bit distracted. What I really want to say, is no matter where you live you will REMAIN disconnected. It's not that something that will fix itself. You husband needs to know. The fact that you're not communicating with him...even though you think you might be helping...is worsening the disconnect. You need to talk with him and tell him how you feel. He needs a chance to make this right and get his prorities in order. Things like this don't "just get better." They get worse.

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M.H.

answers from Dallas on

Rachel,

First of all, why do you think people are going to judge you?? You have a very legitamite problem/decision to make, so I really don't think anyone would judge you! What would they judge you about?

Anyway, I live in a very nice suburb of Dallas (Flower Mound) with excellent schools. Flower Mound is a wonderful place to raise a family, so if you do move here, I highly recommend living in Flower Mound (well, depending on where your husband's job would be). If you do move here, you will definately feel like you won the lottery, coming from N.J.

About your husband - he is not choosing his work first - he MUST do his work in order to keep his job, so unfortunately, it needs to come first. I believe that based on how you described your husband, that he is a wonderful man who would give anything to be able to spend more time with his kids (and with you, too). Unfortunately, he is extremely overworked and needs to provide for you and your kids. Would his job transfer in Dallas be less demanding than his current job? You need to know this! If he will be working all the time in Dallas (like he is now), you should NOT move b/c on top of him being overworked, you will feel very lonely in a different state away from family. If he will not be working any less in Dallas, I think he should look for a new job with a new company.

One more thought - would it be possible if your husband could work from home? Wouldn't that be awesome! Bye-bye commute! Good luck.

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A.M.

answers from Austin on

I was born and raised in Dallas, traveled the world, settled in NYC. Just my two cents but Dallas sucks. It is super conservative (they call it the buckle of the bible belt for a reason) and it's not very pretty (suburban sprawl gone big time).

Because it's not a good place for outdoorsy types, I found that most leisure time is spent consuming -- eating out, shopping, etc. Don't get me wrong, i love to shop and eat out. But sometimes you just want to go for a nice walk in a park.

Old central Dallas is better, more diverse, with more interesting things to do, cuter houses etc but then it starts getting really pricey to be near a good school.

Sorry if I sound negative, but I just wouldn't live there again after experiencing the east coast. Also, it is so hard being away from family.

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N.B.

answers from Jamestown on

Personally, I think the move would be a great idea. What are his responsibilities going to be at the new job? Will he be working more or less? What is your employment like? Can you just pack up and move? These are the things I would be thinking about. The main thing is..what does your husband want and are you willing to stand beside him?

I understand your concerns. If you move and things get worse, you would have no familial support system to get you through...but..you will need to lean on each other..which is a good thing and what marriage is supposed to be.

Just let your husband know that you stand beside him and make sure you check out all the neighborhoods, schools, and alternative employment opportunities just in case.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

The Dallas area is lovely, there are many suburbs around that offer many styles of living from wealthy to normal frame houses that have been around years and years. If his job is in Dallas downtown area then you may want to think of living in an area that does not use the LBJ for him to get home. My friend who is an accountant says if he waits 20 minutes fromt eh time he normally gets off work he can be home in about 20 minutes, if he goes right at time off it takes about an hour. I am sure that is what your hubby is going through with waiting to leave too.

Dallas is pretty tame weatherwise, there are storms but you know they ae coming for several hours and can take precautions to be safe if you listen to the weather stations. The Winters are not snow day after snow day after snow day, they are pretty light and far between. There are wonderful opportunities for travel from the Dallas Fort Worth area since you can take a train to the South and catch the Amtrak to the East or The West and travel the USA. There is much to do and see in Texas that could keep your family entertained with weekend getaways and stay-cations. They also have major airports so you could pop home for a visit any time you needed.

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P.K.

answers from New York on

First, kids change a relationship. Just the way it is. Happens to everyone.
So don't be discouraged. It is so much cheaper to live in Texas. Have
relatives there. You would have to go down and look for a neighborhood
that would be close to his office. Would his hours be as long in this new
job. There are a lot of things to consider. With the cost of living being so
much less and less time commuting, you might have some extra money
in your budget to do fun family things. It is a big decision, one that you
should not just jump into. Don't let the family make you feel quilty. Direct
flights from NJ to Dallas are not very expensive. Good luck and I get the
feeling that it will all work out well for you.

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K.A.

answers from Little Rock on

My husband is a IT Systems Admin for a law firm which means that he has to keep the servers for the law firm up and running as well as the internet connections up and running. This sometimes means working all night with server updates or working long hours trying to get a server back up and running that has crashed. But that is not all. My husband does not know how to tell any "no" and because he works in IT people are always bringing him there computer issues to fix. He also is very involved in our church sound system and the private school connected to churches computer maintenance. He literally works 24/7 with very little sleep and we rarely see him. He keeps saying he wants to get a second job to help with finances here at home and I keep telling him that he does not have time to work a second job. He said that if he had a second job, he can use that as an excuse to get out of the extra computer work people ask him to do. I told him that until he learns how to tell people no, that he would be working 2 jobs and still doing all the extras and we would NEVER see him at all.

I'm sure you have heard the old saying "If you want a job done right, ask a busy person" Sounds crazy, but someone who is willing to work is also likely to go the extra mile to make sure it is done right. They are also less likely to tell someone No. If you husband is very conscientious, he may be more thorough in his work to assure that it is done correctly and taking longer to do the job than others. This is a very good work ethic and the boss notices and may give him certain other jobs that they want to be assure will be done correctly. If that is the case, he might mention to the boss that he feels over loaded and that he is having to work from home at night to keep up. If he works in IT, give it up, your just stuck with it.

If the problem is that the company he is working for is understaffed for the work load, is there any assurance that it will not be the same in Dallas, TX.

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H.C.

answers from Dallas on

Hi there, wow a big decision! I live in the Dallas area and moved here for better opportunities too. We are also alone out here (meaning without family) but still very very happy. We've made lots of friends here that are like family! The cost of living is waaaayyy less which is why we moved, we comfortably get by on one income! There are lots of really great subburbs around Dallas with really great schools. Traffic I'm not gonna lie sucks at times but depending on where his office is too there is the commuter train which is better than sitting on a highway any day. Moving out here without family around has made our relationship soooo much stronger. When all you have is eachother to depend on, it really strengthens your bond, well it did for us anyway and with the cost of living so much lower, maybe he won't have to work as much. Best of luck in your decision and feel free to PM me if you go foward with moving and I can tell you more about the area.

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E.C.

answers from New York on

I would definitely trust that he wants more family time. So, look in to the job in Dallas more seriously. Not what is said, but what are the hours his peers actually work at the proposed Dallas job. Where could you live (yes, housing is much cheaper). What about schools - would they be in private or public (ie, where do you live, what do you save/spend). Does the company pay all moving expenses? What about selling your house? Does the company guarantee you a buyer?

Then there is the real thing of moving away from all your family who you see every week. If you moved to Texas, you would have to make friends - even if the husband is working saner hours, he cannot be your sole confidant/emotional friend. As women we need a broader web of relationships. It seems you are able to be positive and supportive of your husband because you have an interesting fulfilling set of friends and family surrounding you.

Also, remember this is a season of life - building the career and family. It just is full for most people. You will have more time with each other when the kids are in college. It's a weird thing in our culture that we 'marry our best friend' who we spent huge numbers of hours with - then that is our base of feeling close and connected - when it is an impossibility as working adults with children. Remember 5 hours together at a stretch in college?! Ha! It helps me when I recognize my expectations and then adjust them.

At the same time, your marriage is even more impt than your children - meaning, perhaps make a reservation at a restaurant, have family watch the kids, and go out to dinner. We go out to Border's for hot chocolate since we are on a tight budget - that way we still get to go out together in the evening without the kids, but without adding the stress of not being able to afford it!

Keep up the good work.

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K.D.

answers from New York on

I think the most important thing is to work on your relationship with him NOW....have a conversation and explain your concerns.....if you are married to a workaholic, Dallas is not going to change that and then you will be in a strange city, thousands of miles away from your family and friends and end up feeling even more isolated than you already do. That is certainly not going to help your marriage. A location change is not going to fix the problems you are having and could potentially make them a whole lot worse. Especially if you are moving to Dallas believing things are going to be different and then they are not. Just because he works a lot does not mean he does not love his children, but you deserve to be happy and fufilled in your marriage and it does not sound like you are....Talk to him in a non-judgmental way or you aren't going to get anywhere with the conversation....Best of Luck to you!!

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

.

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M.M.

answers from Washington DC on

You need to sit down with him and tell him what you feel. Use I statements, they are supposed to work.
I tantrum and accuse, then cry. I don't suggest that, it's usually pretty messy, and draining.
Tell him what you need and ask what he needs from you, his wife.
Make a date on Friday or Saturday and go to dinner, or bowling or something. Leave the kids with a babysitter.
Get the book The 5 Languages of Love Or something like that. It's very informative and helpful. It talks about how we have different needs and how we can fill our spouses needs. For example I am a "spend time with me" person he is a "touch". So to make him happy I give him lovins when he gets home and he gives me more "time". I just like him to sit and talk to me, not neccessarily being all lovey.
You need to take charge of your marriage. You can make it work.
About the move, Dallas is a big city, like NYC, DC, LA, San Diego, Chicago. Anywhere you live there will be a commute to a job in the city.
Mine is a workaholic, he is not home more even after retiring from the Marines and getting his 8-5 job, HA-there is no such thing. Work has to get done. He's gone 5AM to 8 some days. We live outside DC, talk about your commute.
If you take your family to Dallas, he will still be the workaholic he is now. And you will be in a foreign city. I'm sure it's lovely and everyine is nice but you won't know anyone. That's loneliness.

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J.P.

answers from New York on

You need to know where your relationship stands BEFORE making such a big decision/change. Try a few sessions of joint counseling and see where that gets you. Good luck.

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

I just wanted to say, that his commute to Dallas will very likely also be about 45 mins to an hour, depending on where you move. A majority of people who work in Dallas commute, and traffic is pretty bad. There are a lot of wonderful small cities to move to that are more family oriented with great school districts and more affordable, so people choose to commute for that reason.

I understand how you can feel frustrated with him always working. Will he have more regular hours at this new job? In the meantime, have you thought about moving the kids bedtime up to maybe 8:30 so they get an extra hour with dad? On the weekends, can he put a timer on his work... get out of the house for a few hours to spend quality time with each other?

Really, it comes down to his workload. If the new job is something how can handle at the office, and not come home and work on it all night and all weekend long, than that would be a huge blessing. Is he for sure that this Texas job will be more manageable?

Maybe, this move will be good for your family, I would really pray about it. It sounds like he is aware of the work being damaging to the family relationship and is willing to take the risk.

As for you two, strive for a date night once a week. Even if it means curling up on the couch for an hour watching a favorite show, snacking and talking for an hour. You both really need to start communicating with each other and opening up, otherwise this disconnect isn't going to go away. Families can survive these shifts, but you all need to be firm together.

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K.M.

answers from Kansas City on

Big Decision! There are so many things to take into account--and one of them has to be family close by. What kind of relationship do you have with your families? Do you see them often? Do they help with the kids? Do they watch the kids? We really like where we live (it wasn't our choice, my husband is Army), but the thing we miss the most are our families! We are very close to both sets of parents and if we lived closer, we would see them all the time! It would also be nice to have them around in case of an emergency--we have nobody but friends. My sister just moved to Charlotte from FL for better opportunities, but she misses my mom terribly!

Also, Dallas is a big city. His commute could be just as long. Also, is there a guarantee that he won't work as much--probably hard to know right now.

Best of luck--it's a huge decision!

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R.G.

answers from Dallas on

I don't think the debate here is NJ or Dallas but rather if you should stay together or separate. I'm wondering if your husband is "overworked" or a workaholic?? If he's a workaholic, a location change won't help the situation. If he's truly overworked, maybe it would. Dallas is great but it's nothing like the north east. It's ugly. I was born in Pittsburgh Pa and moved here with my family when I was young. I remember my mom being so depressed for years afterward, not because it was Dallas but because there are no hills, the scenery is very different. You don't appreciate that kind of thing until you don't have it. It's very flat and everything is spread out, you could easily have a 45 minute commute here. But that said, if he would truly have less of a job load, and you chose a home close to his work, it could really make a difference. Big decisions are soooo hard to make, especially when your family is involved. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best!

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R.K.

answers from Dallas on

I am in the Dallas area and absolutely love it, but I don't think the area is really the question here. I would be hesitant to think that a different office will change your husbands hours much. He sounds like a workaholic. You may move way away from your families and be in Dallas alone while he is still working the same hours. You may also have to live far away from his office here as well. He may still have the same work load and even if he doesn't he still may work just as much because that is who he is. Don't underestimate the comfort of having your family nearby. I know they don't replace your husband but you do have them there if you need them. I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband and be honest with him about some of the things you are feeling. You can't expect any changes unless you tell him how his job is effecting you and what your concerns are. Good luck, I know it isn't an easy position to be in but I will tell you as your kids get older it is less difficult when your husband works all the time.

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