Daddy Help

Hi! I am a 31 year old mom of two girls 9 and 8. I understand your feelings. My husband is the same way with our children. The only advice i can give is what i do myself. Find activities that he enjoys doing that children also enjoy doing. We love bowling so each sunday we try to go bowling. He gets involved and our girls get some quality time with daddy.

All of you need to sit down and watch the movie HOOK! Maybe he'll get it! Same type of dad situation in this movie. It takes some work...but he "get it" in the end and understands the value in re-prioritizing!

My husband was sort of the same way. He doesn't work a lot of hours, but they are hard hours. One thing he started to notice was that the kids didn't come to him for help. He was a little hurt by that. When he started playing with them more, they started playing with him more. The kids just seemed to look at him as another person in the house. They knew that he was "daddy", but they didn't really understand what that meant. I know that not every one likes Dr. Phil, but one thing that he says makes a LOT of sense is that the #1 person in a child's life is the same sex parent. One of the things I used to help my husband understand his VERY important role, is that he was teaching them by his actions what a man should be like. My husband always said that he wanted more for his kids. He's not helping with the housework as much as I would like, but he's trying. He's also making large strides for his kids. He's really starting to see the difference a little extra attention from dad makes. As for your husband, maybe a board game would be great. Your kids are a great learning age & it's a quiet time.

A.:

This is a late response, I hope you get it.

Have daddy read them a bed time story every night. Short books are good, The Little Red Hen, Elves and the Shoemaker, whatever. This is quiet time for them all.

Once this is accomplished you can expand things even more. They can sit with him and color a picture before bath time which will give them time to quiet down before getting ready for bed and time with mom at bath time and then back to dad which gives him a break between.

Summer is coming. A family walk every evening for ten or fifteen minutes after dinner, coloring or playing catch after the walk while mommy does the dishes, bath time and then story time.

It only takes a few minutes of his time, it is restful and puts him back into the picture.

P. R

Have you suggested Daddy take on one daily/nightly activity with the kids? He could bathe them or read their bedtime stories... This will give both father and child something to look forward to, builds a nice routine of bonding on a regular basis and give you some well-deserved downtime.

I've also found family outings to be helpful - allowing Daddy to see kids in a less stressful, more fun atmosphere away from home and his job worries. Even a walk or a trip to the mall (my dtr. love to go there for the rides - $3 is all it takes) can do wonders to bond the family together.

My husband is also very busy, and exhausted from work. We have four children, and what he does is each week, he takes one of the children on a playdate. The kids are allowed to pick where they go (as long as it is in our budget) and what they do. It is just a couple of hours, but it makes each of the kids feel sooo special!

~sometimes I even get a little jealous that I don't get as much one on one time with the kids as he does :)

I don't know if this will help, but it works well for us...the only problem is that when we have plans as a family, someones turn gets delayed and they are usually disappointed, but it's all fine the next weekend.

Have you tried talking to him to let him know how you feel because obviously it is bothering you. That would be the first thing I would do without being negative or pushy just be real. Your children are also old enough to understand that daddy is working hard to buy us things and give us lights, etc. They understand more than you think and may not be worried about it as much as you think they are. Since your his work week is hectic, what about the weekend, bedtime? Most kids will not spend as much time with their dad as we would like but we make the best of it. Hope some of things will help get your family on track.

Hopefully, your husband helps put them to bed, tucks them in and kisses them goodnight. If he plays with them on the weekend and is involved in whole family life at least once a week, the kids will be fine. Kids need rules, regulation and supervision. A lot of play attention is not a necessity. They will see from his example that working, taking care of oneself have to come first, play second.

my husband travels for his job and is gone from wed through sun most weeks. He is also exhausted when he is home and I try to be understanding. We have a son and daughter about the same age as yours and it is very important for the 5 year old especially to have some time with dad. I explained to my husband that he needed to do what ever it took to make special time for the kids because he would never get this time back. They are only going to get bigger and not want to hang out with us. We don't have the budget to go fun places all of the time, but he has them help with yard work and stuff outside. They really don't care as long as they are spending time with him. We also have a fire pit and that way everyone can hang out together and relax at the same time. We sit around the fire and take turns making up stories. They get pretty funny sometimes. Sometimes we go rent video games for the wii and we all play games. I think it is just a matter of finding something that your husband likes to do that you can all do together.
Good luck

I don't mean to sound harsh, but puh-lease! Give me a break. Your husband is using the oldest excuse in the book. I'm a single mom with sole custody of my 2 girls (ages 8 and 5). I get no help (financially or otherwise) from my ex-husband, so it's all me...24/7/365. I work full time at a professional, demanding job, and then I come home and start my job as a mom. I cook dinner, do dishes, do a load or two of laundry, take the girls to their activities, help with homework, and still manage to read books or play a game with them. Sure I get tired, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. My girls will always know 100% that they can count on me.

I suspect your husband participated in the decision to have children. His parental responsibilities didn't end with conception. He's missing out. Period. I hope he realizes it before it's too late.

Hi A.,

I don't mean to sound insensitive towards your husband but what I tell my husband is HIS DAYS IS NOT DONE UNTIL MY DAY IS DONE.
Neither of my kids go to school, I am with them all day and it is a very demanding job. Not to minimize his work and how demanding a full time job is.

However, think about this, if you worked full time, a demanding job, would you come home and neglect spending time with your children?
Whatever you get them used to, as we're creatures who are easily conditioned, is what he'll do. If you don't expect and demamnd, he won't deliver.

My husband runs his own company, works 6 sometimes 7 days a week in the summers and I do cut him a little more slack those days but he still has to come home and help bathe the kids, give them their bottles, put them to bed etc.....

I hope he does step-it-up, his children need him and will remember the special moments they spend with dad not the money he brought home.

He has to realize that the kids will be grown and gone very soon! Doesn't time fly?

We parents are all tired and worn out - we have to do what we have to do - if he is not spending time with them and shaping their personalities and morals and values, who is? I know you (Mom) are but those children need a united front! They need to know you both love and care for them... what will happen to them if something happens to you? Dad needs to know what to do and have a relationship formed NOW. You can't wait - soon they will be in school and listening to what all their friends believe and know (or think they know).

Make sure those children are attending church and sunday school regularly - that will help even if Dad DOES get involved... the thing I am most proud of as a parent - is raising Christian children! I KNOW I will see them in Heaven! What an assurance!!!!

My husband has the same problem. He only works Fri, Sat, and Sun, but he works 12 hour shifts. It's very exhausting for him. He still gives our daughter a bath every single night. It may only be 10 or 20 minutes, but it's their time. In fact, when I try to give her a bath, she just cries cause she wants her daddy to do it. Could he spend a little quiet time with them while you clean up dinner? I look at it this way, I'm a stay at home mom. My job is 24/7. The only breaks I get are during nap time or after my daughter goes to bed. I also babysit 5 days a week. He gets breaks while he's a work, and I deserve the same. It took awhile for him to come around to spending time with our little girl after a hard day at work. Sometimes I still have to remind him. However after he takes the time to spend with her, he's glad.

I have two children closed to the same ages as you, 4 and 6. I am home with them as well, and, at the end of the day, I am tired and exhausted and I don't usually want to keep going either, but I do because I am a parent. I know you need to show appreciation for your husband for providing for you, but that does not mean that your job is easier than his or that he shouldn't be helping out. When my DH gets home, I am usually in the kitchen. He helps the kids set the table and clears it after. He helps with baths and bedtime, and he always, always tucks them in. If your DH wants to be involved with your kids, then it isn't that hard to do. Find one or two things that can be his thing with the kids. Reading bedtime stories? PJs? Whatever it is, you need the help, and, even more importantly, your kids need their daddy.

How about trying a Daddy date night. He could take the kids to dinner/movie or something like that. Put it on the calendar so he can see it(for a polite reminder)at least biweekly that gives him quality time with the kids and you a little peace and quiet.(It has to be made a big deal for the kids so that he will see it is important to them. He won't want to let them down ecspecially if they are excited about it.)

Just try to remember that its not quantity in hours that matters, its quality! Your kids will let you know when they need more daddy time (though it might be acting out, or whinning). Its also important to let you kids know that dad working and earning money is a way to show love to his family. You have gotten some great responses, so take the advice and talk to your husband to see how he feels, he might not realize the kids might need one more story from him.

I would talk to him about how you and the kids miss him and need more quality time with him. Then find out what he enjoys doing or what energizes him. Maybe you can find a fun activity that the whole family can do together or that he could do with the kids and give you a break. Our family has been making an effort to just have fun together on a regular basis and it's been very healthy for us(can't wait for King's Island to open!!). Also, I agree that he should be helping you with the kids more in the evenings and on weekends. My husband is great about that. One thing he has always done is take the kids to the bedroom with him when he changes clothes after work, and just play with them on our bed for a few minutes--tickling, wrestling, "eating" their bellies--they absolutely LOVE it!!

i worked 2 jobs for over 14,1/2 years and spent more time with my kids then,now i do the same type of work with 1 job and have a 2 hour daily commute, i am very exhausted but now i have a 9 month old at home with an 11 and 13 year old and it is trying but you make many a sacrifice i make all the basket ball games and baseball games even if i have to drive to the other game with 5 minutes left.my advise would be not to nag but get everyone involved thats what my wife did and still does.i found when my wife nags it made things worse.get everyone on the same page and on some sort of a schedule,even if its having the clothes out the night before to save time the next day it sure is helpful. it works for us.good luck!

It is his responsibility to balance his life. To be the hero and work and hard and long is honorable however to not balance work and home is not forgivable. I work a computer technical job 50 to 70 hours a week and still stop drop and play with my 5 year old and stop drop and talk to my 13 year old. Add to that if you are not asking him to do the house-up-keep-kid-up-keep work you no doubt do then all the more easier for him to stop-drop and show the love. I am a dad and I knew the sacrifices and that they are sacrifices. So tell him to get a shot of vitiman B one, drink some mountain dew and open his eyes to the reason he is doing all he is doing at work.

I have a man just like that and I have 3 who are 6, 5, and 4. He flat out told me that if he wanted to sleep in his reclyner on his days off that was his "right". So....I started planning little "activities" with each one that he had to do....one on one....I think the thought of playing with all 3 overwhelmed him....so planned going to chuck e cheese with one, planned the park with another, planned a trip to Wal mart with the other and so on....once he got more confidence in knowing he could relate to them and actually have fun with them, his attitude changed and he was more involved....but it took several months. Patience, firmness, communication are the keys.

I have the same problem. My husband works 6 to 7 days a week and his work is hard labor. I make it a point to make sure he can get the sleep he needs to make through his day. But, I also make sure he understands that these times go by so fast. My husband makes sure that if nothing else he reads my two children several books once he is home. And I make sure on his day off that he takes some time and spend it playing with the kids. It just has to be a priority. I feel guilty sometimes because he works such a physically hard job and I stay at home(not that I don't work hard). It is just a different kind of hard. We all make sacrifices, but our children need to come first. Hope this helps. Just talk.

This is a dilemma for many SAHMs, as it was for me. Try to hand off at least one daily routine with the kids to dad. For us it was bathtime, and also the bedtime feeding when they were infants. Other choices could be putting them to bed or a reading or play session while you fix or clean up dinner. It took me several months to drill bathtime into my husband, he kept pleading tired to get out of it. I stuck to my guns, though, and finally told him to quit playing the tired card on me. I was tired too, and this was HIS job, and he needed to quit playing on my emotions. (We had agreed to it, it wasn't just my 'decree' to him.) As the boys got older (they are in HS and college now) we took turns with bedtime. DH now has a better relationship with the boys than he would have, and those times with our boys have become precious memories to both him and the boys. Don't let your husband deprive your family of those happy times and memories out of your guilt.

And about that guilt.... We SAHMs often feel like we have to do everything because we aren't "earning our keep." To get myself past this block, I wrote down all my jobs as a mom, and tried to figure out how much it would cost to replace me. Day care, maid, cook, laundry service, chauffer.... I came to realize I was worth quite a lot. This made it easier for me to ask for help.

There are always more than one side to this issue...I'm sure he isn't any more tired than you are on a lot of days, but if you're going to be a 'family'-you all have to be a part of it. Communication is the starting point. You & your husband have to be on the same page & understand what each other is feeling & why. Then, if necessary, start off slow and schedule 1 of his days off so you can all spend the day together and let him have the other one to do what he wants to do. Time together doesn't have to cost a lot of money- stay home together, play in the yard, make beds or pudding (kids like helping), wash the car. Go online to look for family ideas. Kids just love the attention. It's hard to stay positive sometimes, but you'll pull him in quicker if he doesn't feel like you are giving him an ultimatum. Sorry - just the way guys are. Eventually, when you get that schedule down, you can start asking to have a day to yourself once in a while. Good luck.