Dad Wants to Be a Dad When It's Convenient or Am I over Reacting??

I will NOT be bitter....
I will NOT be bitter....

It's HIS loss...
It's HIS loss...

The child is loved and guided by me and my guy.....
The child is loved and guided by me and my guy....

(Keep reminding yourself of these things, especially when you give up your own vacation to be sure your child is taken care of, and check back with me in 15 years)

:)

7 moms found this helpful

There are times when you pick up the slack not because you should, but because it's for the greater good for your child.

What you describe is sometimes called first right of refusal, which is basically giving the other parent first dibs at time with the child if their schedule allows. If they cannot or do not want to take the time, then the parent whose time it normally is should make arrangements (or not go).

If I were in your shoes, I would say, "Since you are not available, I've made arrangements for our son to visit my parents for the weekend."

While it would be BETTER if your son had a consistent father, sometimes it is better to just document what happens (or doesn't) and make the best choices for the child regardless of his father's involvement.

7 moms found this helpful

It isn't about picking up the pieces...take a step back a realize it is about the safety and comfort of your son above vacations, time off, plans, weekends. Sorry but kids first, and your needs second - welcome to parenthood.

Whether or not you are right (which you most likely are), it just doesn't matter. It's you child, and you need to do whatever it takes to make sure he is healthy, happy, and safe...whether or not that is his dad's priority. Seems like changing plans and moving a vacation is inconveinent, but necessary. Unless you are comfortable with any plans he may make...and who he may leave your son with...then go ahead, but don't be mad if it falls apart or your son ends up staying with someone you are not comfortable with. Sounds like he has other priorities...

5 moms found this helpful

I understand exactly how you feel. there are a lot of times i feel like my daughter's father is the same way. in fact she tells me that her grandparents take care of her, not her daddy. and she is only two. it is very frustrating. he has no problem going for weeks at a time without seeing her, and acts upset when i double check that he is getting her on his weekend. he is upset because i moved in with my fiance which changed meeting times and places. he rarely if ever picks up or drops off his own daughter, most of hte time its his parents. there is no way i'd plan an out of town trip because the second she is sick he brings her home early because of it. or if anything would come up that he wants to do. is there a way to reschedule the weekend of your trip? i would definately take him to court if he repeatedly does not spend his designated weekend with his son. because they get breaks on child support for visitation, if he is not exercising this, he should not get that break. I hope you figure things out... good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

i hate to say it, but this is part of the consequences of divorce. J.

4 moms found this helpful

If he does this alot, then you know that time with his son isn't that important. But if this is unusual, please just accept that he wants to go on vacation. Hawaii is pretty great.

I know that you're irritated that his Hawaii trip coincides with you and your BF's trip. So it's also your inconvenience, not just his.

Maybe I'm not "reading" this right, but you haven't given enough reasons here for me to fault him so much. It would be hard for me to say no to a Hawaiian weekend too. I get that he doesn't ask you enough about babysitting. But maybe you two just need to sit down and talk more about this issue. If that doesn't work, go to the court and ask for it to be written in the court documents. That might help him to remember better.

D.

4 moms found this helpful

I am sure there is more back story to why you feel this way. Just hearing that it is this one time I wouldn't jump to the same conclusion, but I am sure I have very little info in the whole picture.
I understand your feeling that if you change your trip and pick up the peices he may keep doing it, but think of your son. Your child should come first, before trying to "teach a lesson" to your ex. If you are truly concerned about who will care for him while ex is in Hawaii then offer to change your date (it doesn't sound like it is set in stone yet) and keep your son for that weekend.
Express to your ex that it is irresponsible and poor parenting and that you disagree that you should need to change your plans but that as a parent you are putting your child first....maybe he should try it.

3 moms found this helpful

You should 'pick up the pieces'. Parenthood is inconvenient, exhausting, and time consuming. If your son's dad won't commit to him full time, you should. This little boy must feel very pushed aside as both of you are 'into' new people.

Frustrating that your trip will have to be postponed? Sure. Angry at your ex? Sure. But noone really matters except that child who didn't ask to be put into this mess.

The saddest part for me is that neither of you have thought about taking him with you. We just got back from Hawaii (Nov.) and Monterey(this past weekend), with our three kids in tow. We all had a blast and made memories together.

3 moms found this helpful

If it's his scheduled weekend he shouldn't have made plans or he should have informed you first and only then if he definitely had a trusted caretaker for your son that you both approved. Since it IS his weekend, he needs to cancel his plans if he can't find someone who you both approve of to care for your child. I know we're talking about your child who you're not just going to go off and leave if you're not comfortable, but this has to be put in his court because it's HIS issue that weekend. If he's allowed to get by with this stuff, he always will and it's going to be really sad when your son is old enough to understand what's going on. If he's not willing to uphold his part of the custodial bargain, then maybe you should suggest that you go back to court and get full custody. Either he should be a dad or not. Since he knows that was his one weekend that month, he does sound like a pretty selfish, immature and crappy dad for scheduling a vacation that doesn't include his son during it.

3 moms found this helpful

i feel bad for you and your son. your ex doesn't want to switch and spend 1 weekend with his son? i know you don't want to "pick up the slack" but i think you should change your plans and hopefully your boyfriend understands. someone needs to consistently put your son first, and since dad isn't, that should be you. good luck, i feel for you and your little guy.

3 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry that your ex does seem to think that having a child is like a hobby he can take up or not, as he wishes....

I do agree that if it were me, and Ex were not willing to change his trip, I wouldn't be willing to go out of town that same weekend (not matter how much it might make me mad, the child's well being is more important).

However, if this is an ongoing problem, I would suggest talking to your lawyer about it. Start documenting every time he's not followed through on the "childcare during custody" issue and if possible, start corresponding with Ex via email or text, so you can keep records of all the communications to use as proof to get the custody agreement changed. (Keep in mind that that is a 2 way street, so always be polite and respectful even if you're arguing.)

2 moms found this helpful

Ugh..
Divorce is always so awful. Each parent has an expectation and of course it is not the same for divorced couples.. Remember, this is why you are no longer married to him.

You say you have an agreement about notifying each other about babysitting, but is this just a verbal agreement or actually part of the divorce agreement? If it is verbal, it obviously does not mean anything to your ex. You could document these occasions if it tends to happen a lot.. Meaning he leaves your son with sitters many times a year with a sitter instead of watching son himself.

HE is the one making bad choices. HE is the one that will have to explain this to your son in the long run.

YOU cannot control this, instead you could suggest options.As the father he has just as many rights as you have to make these choices.. Not that they are correct choices, but it is just part of it.

Even if you were still married, there would be times, when you all would have gone on a trip and son would have been left with family or friends.
This 1 time of both of you being out of town at the same time could be fine, if as suggested some grandparents could step in or a beloved friend of the family watched him.

I TOTALLY understand how you feel. I do not understand how some parents only see their children once a month for such a short time and yet, seem to take it for granted, by not thinking about what impact their silly decisions can have on their children.

Your son will grow up and without any help from you, he will realize his father is a jerk. TRY, TRY to not be a part of this.. let son find out you always tried to make the right choices while his dad had totally different priorities. ,
Breath... follow your heart..

2 moms found this helpful

I guess it would matter who that someone else was. If it his parents, I would be ok with it, but that is because I think grandparents get the short end of the stick in divorce. If it was just some sitter... well I would be pissed but try and be graceful.

1 mom found this helpful

How is your boyfriend with your son? I agree that in this particular situation, you need to do something to 'pick up the slack' and make sure your son is well cared for and doesn't feel abandoned by both parents. Whether that is for you to cancel your trip, or to rearrange your priorities in the trip in order to take your son along, it will give you a better insight into how good a parent your boyfriend will make for your son. If he is readily willing to sacrifice some of his convenience and pleasure for the sake of your child's well-being, you know he's going to be a good father image for your boy.

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like an unfortunate situation for your son more than anyone else. Does Dad do other things for/with him? Is he a reliable father? Based upon your description I'm thinking not so much. Dad sounds selfish in the extreme. I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I would be extremely upset as his inconsiderate behavior. At least you brought up the trip with him now. Doesn't sound like he planned on telling you. Imagine if you'd made plans already instead of just thinking about them. You didn't say how old your son was? Is he old enough to learn that Dad is just like this? In terms of you going on your trip and childcare. Can you leave your son with his grandparents/aunt/uncle? Does he have a good relationship with them if so? Unfortunately someone is going to have to be the responsible parent and that seems to fall on you. If it were me, I wouldn't leave my son knowing his father is going to bail on his weekend with him. In my world my child comes first before everything. I'm not saying its not the same for you. In my own case, my husband is a rather disappointing father. He doesn't really take any time with our son. I'm aware of the fact that as my son grows I will have to be both father and mother at times. Good luck in your decision.

1 mom found this helpful

It's convenience. He gets him one weekend out of a month and due to this, that and the other that particular weekend worked well to go on a vacation, plus he didn't have you watch him that weekend as well? Sounds like if you didn't ask him in the first place, you would never have known that he was out since "someone else" is watching the child...get my drift? My husband can't hardly wait to pick our son up from daycare and hang out with him. Sounds like priorities are a bit janky. I would document this and urge him (since it was agreed upon initially) to have you watch the child while he's tending to his "other priorities". What you have to do is be ~nice to your ex~ and tell him that you'll have him that weekend and not to worry about it. I know it sucks to be nice.

1 mom found this helpful

One of the comments really struck me. Why shouldn't you have a weekend to yourself without your son????? Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you give up all rights to a couple of days to be an adult, do adult things, and *gasp* think of yourself first! Yes, it's nice to have our kids with us and to do fun things with them, but a weekend trip here and there isn't going to scar them. In fact, it may be better in the long run. WE teach our children about successful relationships, and sometimes the success of those relationships needs a weekend away.

That being said, I think it's awesome that your bf has offered to take him with you for the weekend :) My sister is going through a similar situation with her ex (2 kids), and she gets so frustrated. She picks up the pieces and does her best, and sometimes I wish she would tell him no. However, I also understand concern for your baby's safety in regards to "someone" watching him for the weekend. Good luck with your decision, and have fun whatever you decide :)