Dad Not Pitching in with Care of Our 4 Month.

Hi R.-

My husband is the same way. We have 3 children so we have talked about this many times through the years and the bottom line with my husband is that as long as I'm around, he feels like things are under control with the kids and that's his chance to get things done around the house that he needs to do. He knows that I love the kids and like to spend time with them so when he looks over and sees me laughing and playing with the kids he thinks everything is fine...it never dawns on him that I'm playing Candyland for the 1 millionth time this week and need a break! LOL Anyway, what I learned about my husband is that he's willing to do just about anything that I ask him to do to help out, but the key is I have to ask. He is not very intuitive and not very observant so he's not going to empty the dishwasher just because he notices it's clean...he's not going to start the laundry just because the basket is full...and he's not going to offer to take over with the kids just because I've been alone with them all day long.

If you're worried about your husband not knowing what to do when he's alone with your daughter prepare a small notebook to get him through the basics if he doesn't already know these things (how to prepare a bottle, her favorite toys, etc). Everything else, just let him figure it out as he goes along...that's what you did when you first started staying at home with her, right?

As far as him handing her off, if he's been alone with her for several hours before you get home he probably will hand her off and I don't blame him. Plus you'll want to hold her as soon as you walk in the door after being away from her all day. Work out an "after work" plan before hand. If your husband cooks, agree that he will make dinner while you are watching your daughter after you get home. If you are the cook in the family, then your husband will need to stay with her a little while longer while you prepare dinner.

The most important thing is to ask him to help from the beginning. Don't expect him to just know what he should do. If you start coming home from work and doing everything it will be a much harder habit for both of you to break later on.

Good Luck,
K.

3 moms found this helpful

R.,
I've thought a lot about your wording, and, although I know I am not about to make any new friends here...here it goes...

Poor baby. Imagine being cared for by stranger(s) all day then finally coming home to parents fighting over who has to take care of me. :(

Poor husband. He comes home from a long day at work (just like you're about to) and wife feels like he's uninvolved with his daughter. He's worked and brought home an income so you could have these precious 4 months with your daughter, and now he plans to get her ready, take her to daycare, and pick her up and watch her until you get home - I think that's pretty involved.

Your baby isn't another item to add to a chore list that you split with your husband. She is a living, breathing, human who is growing everyday. She is your greatest accomplishment. She deserves so much more. If your biggest fear is having to hold her and care for her the instant you come through the door, then that doesn't make me feel sorry for you, but for your baby.

I've been in your shoes, so please don't think I'm on a soap box with no knowledge of your situation. I'll tell you that it was hard. Here are some things that I did to make sure that my selfish need for "me" time wasn't at other's expense:
1)treat your commute home as your "down" time
2)put your family on a great evening routine: dinner together, play time for everyone - tummy time together or a walk in the neighborhood, bath and bed for baby, special time with hubby, then all the you time you can handle. Remember that now that you're going back to work, the hours that you have in a day to impact your daughter's life have been dramatically cut - make every waking second count first, then you can take care of you have she's asleep. FYI-our kids' bedtimes have always been 8:00 for this reason. After 8:00 is mommy and daddy's special time for each other and for ourselves.
3) change your thinking. When you catch yourself thinking "I hope he doesn't hand her to me right away" or "OMG, one more person who wants something from me today" or "I'm so tired, I just need a break" replace those thoughts with positive, perspective-providing statements like, "I can't wait to see her darling smile! I've missed her." or "Thank You Lord for giving me a great husband and baby who need me" "This little person is the most important someone who wants something from me!" "Some drooly-giggles will really melt away a totally sucky day right now!"

I hope you don't think I've been to hard on you that you don't take my advice to heart. She really deserves more. Split the chores, share the baby! You'll miss so much during the day, don't waste what you do get with her. Being a mommy does require us to give up so much, but what we get in return is much better! :)

2 moms found this helpful

Easy - ask for his advice. Guys love giving advice and solving problems.

"Honey - I have a problem I could really use your help with. Have you got a second to give me your thoughts?"

He'll say yes or in a second or whatever. So when you guys are talking (turn off TV and radio, etc) just say...

"I know you've been working so hard to provide for us and I've really appreciated being a stay-at-home-mom during these last few months. But I'm worried about dividing care for the house and our daughter now that we're both going to be working again. I'm worried because I won't be able to do as much around the house and with the baby time wise. How are you anticipating sharing the responsibilities once I start back to work?"

And then LET HIM ANSWER. He just might surprise you. :-)

And just realize that dad's sometimes have a different - but NOT WRONG - way of doing things. Don't make him feel like he's "holding hte baby wrong" or "not bathing her correctly", etc.
A. <><

1 mom found this helpful

Some men don't do well with babies, but will get better the older children get. Be grateful that he plans to pick her up and drop her off. He will be alone with her and will feel more confident in time, I'm sure. He might just not see the need while you're around. Don't nag him! Give him time and opportunity. And don't correct what he does do or won't do at all.

R.,

I wish all the best for you. I have 2 children, 9 yr old girl and almost 2 yr old boy...my husband was no help with my daughter and still no help with my son. Here is my day...I wake up in the morning and wake up my daughter (husband is already up in the bathroom getting ready for work); I help her to get ready (making sure she has clothes to wear and making sure she brushes her hair and teeth, cuz sometimes she forgets) and get her breakfast and then I wake up my son; I change his pamper and his clothes and get him some breakfast. By this time my daughter is done with her breakfast, so I have her keep an eye on her little brother so I can run in the bedroom, find something to wear, iron (if I have time), shower, get dressed and come out in just enough time to grab the kids and run out the door! Where is dad you might ask...sitting in the recliner, watching TV, ignoring the kaos around him. When we get home, I get the kids a snack and they watch Sesame Street and Teletubbies (yes, my daughter has to suffer through it too) so I can run in the kitchen and make some dinner. We eat and I clean up the kitchen a little (what doesn't fit in the dishwasher has to wait until I have more time). I bathe my son and then hassel my daughter until she gets in the shower, puts on her pj's and turns down her bed. Then it's time for mommy to rock the baby to sleep (we do it nightly cuz I love the quiet time to snuggle and I'm not ready to give it up) and put him to bed, then go tuck in my daughter and sometimes lay down with her for a few minutes(she still thinks there is something living in her closet cuz daddy let her watch "A Haunting", you know the ghost show, on TV a few times...and yes I had a cow when I found out) before I go put in a load of laundry (try to do a load a night so it doesn't pile up too bad for the weekend) and get myself ready for bed. Where is daddy?! Asleep on the couch or laying on the couch watching TV!!

The moral of the story is that some men change and some don't! I have talked to my husband until I am blue in the face and nothing ever changes. I get met with "What, are you saying you are tired of being a mom?!" He is the fun parent who roughs up the kids but rarely takes care of them and I am the overall caregiver, booboo kisser, disciplanarian. Superwoman?! Sometimes you just don't have a choice! My babies are my world...so if I have to be supermom for a few years, I don't mind doing it. I just hope that your husband snaps out of it before he misses this precious time. There is only so long that they want hugs and want to be near their parents; pretty soon, they don't want hugs or kisses and you are the lamest thing they've ever seen! It's just a matter of time. Talk to him before it's too late! Lately, my husband has been trying to be more loving and wants to hug the kids and they don't want anything to do with him...especially my son! Best of luck! I hope you don't turn into me...LOL...the married, single mom...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I think that a lot of men are this way. I know that my ex hubby was this way at first, now he is an excellent dad. I wondered the same thing as you are. In his defense, I helped create the problem by doing everything (I was a stay at home mom also). I finally got to the point to where I needed a ladies night out when my youngest was about a year old. He was left with the kids totally by himself. Initially, he would call my cell about everything lol. But eventually he learned how to take care of them and his bond with the kids strengthened tremendously.

R. . . .
Adjusting to a newborn is lifechanging. This is just another one of those adjustments. The first thing I would do is have an open discussion with your husband. He is adjusting as well, and many times first time fathers are at a loss as to what to do - and women have an amazing capacity to absorb more responsibility and just get things done. The trouble is, we often do so without asking for help, and then resentment sets in. Openly communicating is essential to major life changes, like becoming parents for the first time.

You may want to think about his own childhood and how things were done in his home. Perhaps his dad was not a hands-on dad and he is just operating on what is normal for him. Talk to him about it, and remember that even if all things aren't done exactly like you would do them, the child is probably okay anyway, provided, of course, that the basic needs are attended to like they should be.

It may be that having to manage the baby on his own will help him appreciate the job that moms do. Share what is important to you, and my suggestion is to be positive, not accusing in your approach. Seems to be more palatable for men!

Good luck!

My fiance was the same way when our son was younger. Gavin is now 8 months old and much for interactive, and my fiance is a much better dad. He tends to relate better to kids who can respond to him. A few months ago we were at his dads house and he was playing with his 8 year old niece, and 5 and 4 year old nephews for hours sword fighting. It absolutely melted my heart to see him playing around with her like that. It really brought my confidence up with knowing he would be a good father... It just takes time sometimes. He is still a little standoffish when it comes to things like bathtime, but he is doing better on the diaper changes and feedings.

R.,

When I went back to work after having three months at home with the baby, I had the same concerns you are facing. But, the advice you are getting is good. For me, it was about the perspective change - realizing that I only have about 4-5 good hours with my son a day makes me realize that I have to make those good hours for all of us. (at least I try to maintain this attitude - some days are, of course, more stressful and exhausting.) Also, someone mentioned setting a solid schedule - for us that has been key. Dinner (no TV) gives us time to connect about our days and share feeding and entertainment of the boy. We split kitchen cleaning and playing with the baby. Then, I take the baby for an hour and give my husband his down time. After that, it is my hour of down time. My husband gives the bath and gets him dressed for bed every night. Then I put him down. After that, we spend time together - watching TV, reading, talking, other stuff. I am telling you - we both appreciate our respective down time, but we appreciate more our dinner and play time as a family and our alone time with Matt.

Also, someone mentioned that as your daughter grows, your husband will interact with her more. That is absolutely true - before you know it, she will be Daddy's Girl and he will not want to be away from her (until teething time - then its back to Mama! :))

Good luck!

I think your husband might surprise you. My hubby started taking care of my 6 month old when it was time to go back to teaching in the fall last year. I was pleasantly surprised at how well he did.

Do leave instructions because men are not good at the guessing game. They will guess wrong almost every time.

When you get home ask what he and your daughter did today or what she did interesting or funny. Getting him more involved may ease your worries and him.

As for dinner, plan it so that you can lay things out ahead of time and perhaps a few nights a week ask him to get dinner started so you can finish it.

And then of course give him a little more attention also. It will make a world of difference if you make sure to show him how appreciateive you are of whatever he is doing that he things is "extra." Sometimes we just have to stroke a mans ego to get him going in the right direction.

For you, take some bubble baths or shower when you get home to help ease the evening as you walk in the door to settle in for the evening ahead.

It can work, just put some thought and a plan to make it smooth.

Sweetie...I totally understand about your husband not pitching in with the baby. My husband let me do the first 3 months totally alone, and even slept in the guest room so the baby wouldn't up set his sleep cycle. Yeah, and I LET him until I was so sleep deprived and actually hallucinating.

We had a sit down talk and I discovered he had absolutely no "instinct" when it came to the baby. His philosophy "if the baby is crying, it will stop after a while" and he felt totally helpless to fix it...so we went over the list of why the baby may be crying...hungry, wet/dirty, too hot/cold, needs a burp, etc. Then I showed him how to sooth if you couldn't figure out what was wrong. I also told him that if I asked him to do something with the baby, it was because I was close to my breaking point and really needed him to step in.

It turned out he was the master burper...he loved that he could get our son to burp when I couldn't.

We also split up the "chores", he much rather do house stuff than baby stuff. So, every night he does the dishes (I gave him the choice bathe the baby or wash the dishes).

Maybe with your husband you could set up a routine for getting your daughter ready in the morning...you get her dressed and fed, while he gets her bag ready (you may have to prepare him a list to check off as he packs the items)...when you get home, does he want to fix dinner or entertain baby while you cook...does he want to do dishes or bathe baby...put baby to bed or take out the garbage/start a load of laundry. You get the idea...

I hope this helps...I had a different perspective of being a SAHM, and there were days when my son was little that I wanted to go back to work so bad. It is tough, but hang in there she won't be this little for very long...right now it seems like it will never get easier...it will.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Hi R.:

I just read an article in Parents that might help... I pasted it below (complete article at http://www.parents.com/baby/new-parent/emotions/new-mom-c.... I must say that my husband appears to be more intimidated in the father role when I'm around... not to mention more apt to let me do everything, which isn't the same as laziness--but in a sleep deprived mommy exhausted state, it can seem pretty darn close to laziness! Your husband may need to build-up his daddy confidence once he is actually in the 'lead dog role'--and you are out of the house.

You Hate Your Husband
Okay, hate may be too strong a word. But many new moms -- who assumed having a baby would bring them closer to their sweetheart -- are shocked to find themselves at their husband's throat. "You'll probably think about divorcing your husband at least a dozen times during that first year -- and that's totally normal!" says Kunhardt. "After all, adjusting to your new role as parents adds an unbelievable amount of stress to even the strongest relationship." New mothers may feel that their husband doesn't understand just how challenging it is to care for a baby 24/7. They may resent having to take on most of the household and baby-care chores that they thought would be more evenly split. Men, meanwhile, feel more pressure than ever to succeed at their job and provide financially for their family. So it's no wonder that the mood in your house is often anything but warm, fuzzy, or romantic.

How to cope: "First of all, realize that your spouse is probably doing the very best he can," says Kunhardt. "Second, acknowledge that taking care of a child is really hard and it's going to temporarily stress your relationship." From there, the most important thing to do is talk about what's bothering you. "Let your husband know what you need from him -- after all, he can't read your mind," says Spiegel. If, for example, you really feel that you're doing all the cleaning and cooking, don't fume about it: Sit down with him and make a list of what each of you could do. Sometimes, just having your husband take over a night feeding so you get extra sleep, or asking him to do the laundry once a week, can make all the difference.

The first question that comes to mind is. did he want this child. If the answer is yes, he needs to know your concerns. My husband did the same thing telling me he had to go to work the next day. After me sitting in a chair and crying because I was just plan worn out, he got the hint. The fact that I know longer had the time to spend with him also hit him in the face. It does take more than one person to raise a child if only just to keep our sanity.And one big plus for the two doing things is that things get done faster. Good luck.

I think you definitely have a choice. And I strongly believe that if we do it all and want our husbands to just automatically out of the goodness of their hearts, pitch in and help -- uuhhmm.. NOPE it aint happenin'! LOL
My husband and I each have a son from previous marriages... 11 & 6. We then have a 2yr old son together and a 3 1/2
month old daughter. With my 2 yr old, I pretty much did everything. Dropping off and picking up from daycare. From feeding to bathing to bedtime rituals...and I enjoyed it. It was my quality time with my baby. Well with an unexpected pregnancy so soon, I knew I would not be able to do it again with the new one. I had a serious talk with my husband and told him that he was going to have to help out more. There was no option and there was no other way. I work too. I pay the bills too. These are not the dark ages where man is the provider and the woman takes care of home and all that it entails. Women are providers too. Anyhow. Here comes Bella and while I pretty much did everything for the first few months (as I was home and he was working). The minute I got back to work - he had to pick up the pace. He had to help with bottles and putting her to bed (he is a bit uncomfortable with changing a girl --- but we are working on it). And also help with our 2 yr old while I am with the baby.
It is still a bit much for me at night when I am nursing her and our 2 yr old wants to be put to sleep. Here I am on the rocker with her nursing on one side & him laying on the other shoulder. What a sight! LOL. Those moments are hard because he is still so use to our bed time routine that he does not want my husband at all. It does not happen too often, as I try to nurse the baby and then have my husband put her to sleep while I deal with the other one. It's been hard. We argue and argue sometimes --- but it is not really up for debate. My main thing to him is that we are not in a one parent home. He is a parent too and he HAS TO help out. If I am doing it all like a single mom would --- then why am I married? I went back to work when Bella was 2 1/2 months. It has been a month and a half now and I can honestly say that the arguments are less frequent now and when I ask him to help with something he is quicker to do it.
GOOD LUCK.

Babies aren't much fun for dads at 4 months. I'm sure he'll be fine while he has her alone, but chances are that you WILL walk in and have to take over baby duty as soon as you get home from work on top of other wifely duties. Grin and bear it, he'll become more involved as she becomes more animated and able to interact with him.

Hi R.. If you are handed the baby the minute you get in the door you simply take her and ask him what he is preparing for dinner. Let him know that under no circumstances are you prepared to go to work all day and be super woman when you get home. Parenting is a two way street. Be prepared to pitch in. Good Luck.

L.

I suggest you begin delegating some of the responsibilities. Be specific. With my husband, every night and morning when I am getting my son ready for the next day, I ask him to do specific things. It has made gathering my son's things much easier. Good luck!

Hi R.,

What I realized with my husband, was that he didn't necessarily know what needed to be done. So, I simply started saying - "do you want to watch the baby, or make dinner?" - "do you want to clean up dinner, or give the baby a bath?" - "do you want to get him ready for bed, or read him his story?" I quickly learned that he was perfectly willing to help, as long as he was aware of what needed to be done. I also learned that he was afraid of things like giving the baby a bath, etc. Once he had done them though, he gained confidence and was fine. Just don't expect him to figure out what help you need, or what the baby needs. I think a lot of men just don't have that instinct, as much as we may wish they did :) Good luck.

You know somewhere around the 6 month mark my husband looked at me and said " You know, I think I am ready to start helping you out more." It was so cute, and he really did appreciate that I didn't push him about it before he was ready. It is so hard for everybody including baby at first because everything is so new. I second all the moms who said to ask for specific things. That is exactly what I have done, and it has been wonderful. Even though I am home with my little guy all the childcare, meal prep, and cleaning was getting overwhelming on my own and we had laundry backed up for days! My husband did notice the laundry "situation" when he had no clothes, poor guy! But that led us to discuss how to break up the chores. Now he does bathrooms, he washes the clothes, takes out the trash and takes care of the lawn. I do cooking, dishes, floors, put away clothes, and the little incidentals like dusting or whatever. We had to develop a team approach. So I think that talking with him and asking for what you need and being clear is the best approach. Since I am with my son more than him, when I go out with the girls or whatever I leave a little schedule with exact times for meals, bath, bedtime. I write down everything! He loves it and says it helped him a lot. So maybe in the beginning you can write down what needs to happen when he gets home with your little girl,like bottle, bath, diaper change whatever. That way when you walk in she will be taken care of up to the minute you get her. I always put a little sweet nothing on my schedule like "thanks, baby, luv u!" or whatever just so he knows how much it means to me that he is handling things. Hang in there it gets better! I think the fact he will be doing the daycare thing will really help him get more in tune with her needs. Best wishes to you!!