Dad I Dont Want You To...

I agree with most of the others in that I'm not sure why you *wouldn't* want your father to walk you down the aisle, since it doesn't sound like you have a bad relationship with him. Do you just feel too "old" for it? Don't forget, you will always be your father's daughter; it isn't about age or experience.

It might hurt his feelings not to be included in this way--it could be kind of like saying, "I'm not your daughter anymore because I'm XX years old and I have kids of my own." On the other hand, if you explain your feelings about it, he may not be bothered by it at all. You know him best.

I also have to comment on the tradition of "who gives this woman..." In a Christian marriage (I don't know about others), the meaning is not "giving away" as in *property*, it is, "giving this woman into the care of..." It is meant to show that the parents ("Her mother and I do") trust and respect this man enough to give over to him the responsibility for their daughter's well-being. As one friend said, "It's like Dad is saying, 'I trust you to take care of her, and to love and value her as much as her mother and I do.'"

Allowing a father this gesture shows appreciation and recognition for the support he and your mom have given you during your lifetime--financially, yes, but also emotionally, as well as in teaching and guiding you through childhood.

I agree with the others that your sons may be confused about what is going on, and having them "give you away" is not really appropriate in a traditional sense; they are your children, and they are going to be part of the immediate family, too, so they are not really "giving you into the care of" your new spouse--all three of you will be in his care. Of course, you could always change the wording to something more appropriate. If that is what you are determined to do, discuss it with the minister to come up with something that fits.

These days anything goes, because most people have no idea what most of the traditions mean anyway, so they do it however they want. It's your wedding, after all--enjoy it!

HTH. And Congratulations!
--A.

3 moms found this helpful

It's your wedding and if he loves you then he will understand. I had my older brother walk me down the isle. My Dad performed the ceremony. I asked my mom before I said anything, if Dad would have his feelings hurt, she told me it was my wedding and that they would do whatever I wanted. I think it is wonderful to include your boys like that! Ecspecially, if they want to walk you down the isle:o)

Pull him aside and just talk to him about why you feel this is what you want from your wedding, maybe you can find another job for him so that he does not feel left out.

Congratulations!
S.

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When I got married 3 years ago, I had my 5yr. old son walk me down the isle. My Dad didn't care, I flat out told him this is what I want and it's my day, so this is how it is going to be. I think if you want your sons to walk you then just be up front and honest with your Dad, I'm sure he will understand.

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i agree with some of the other posters and wanted to put my perspective in. the way i see it, as a single mom your boys have been (even though they're little) somewhat in the role of "man of the house", or at least "men in your life" and in a lot of ways (although i don't know the relationships) to me it would kind of seem more like them giving you away, and inviting this man to join you in marriage, than your dad. do you know what i mean? of course if you've all been living together and this man is their father it doesn't quite have the symbolism, but the point is your dad "gave you away" to the world a long time ago...these are the main guys in your life now "taking care of you", so it's right that they would give you away. hope that makes sense. telling your dad might not be the easiest thing to do, but it would help if you had another equally special role in mind for him. i don't know what, but maybe you could create a special job for him or something, to make sure that he knows he's not being excluded. the times are different - the rules are different too. congratulations!

1 mom found this helpful

I wanted my son at the time he was only over 2 yrs old to walk me down the isle but it hurt my dads feelings that is what I wanted and it ended up my dad walking me down.I thought it would of been more meaningful and as family coming together as 1 if my son walked me down but for some reason that didn't settle with my parents however my son did dress in a Tux and carried our wedding rings down the isle and that was cute.

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Good Mornng L., Yes it is quiet ok to have your son's walk with you to the alter. Possibly your youngest could walk as ring barer also. Possibly have your father also walk with you and when they come to the part of Who gives this woman, all could say together We Do! I think that would be awesome.

All In All L. it's your day and your wedding, anything you wish to do is perfectly OK.

How to tell Dad? Simply and Straight forward, you have children already so it isn't the so called traditional wedding. To be different you would like for him to Walk in with your Mom when she is seated and allow your son's to walk with you to the alter. * He could also stand at Who gives this woman and say with your son's We Do from the pew. * just some idea's.

Congratulations on your up coming Marriage. Wishing you all the Best Always
K. Nana of 5

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I say it’s your wedding - do what makes you happy! My dad wasn’t really part of my life when I got married so I didn’t ask him to walk me down the aisle. Now he is more a part of my life and he says he was hurt but understood my choice and he doesn’t hold it against me. I think whoever it was that said this signifies your new life together was right. It does and to me it says your all going in this together.

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L.,
I just wanted to share what we did at our wedding. My grandpa has always been a huge part of my life - at times more than my dad, so I had both of them walk me down. My grandpa wakled me halfway down where he "presented" me to my dad, who walked the rest of the way and gave me away. That way I had both of the men who were very important to me participate. Hope this helps!

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I would have your dad walk you down, and have your sons be groomsmen.

If you really want the kids to walk in with you then have you considered having your dad involved in some other way. In my first wedding I had a special uncle walk me 1/2 way then my dad took me to the alter. I am a full believer that you don't have to go with tradition. It is your wedding and will be more special if you do it your way. You could also have the kids stand up with you. That is what my husband and I did. We also lit a unity candle with the kids and the two of us instead of our parents. After all your soon to be husband is not only marrying you he is marrying your children also. Best of luck!

I know plenty of people who have been married after having children. Most of them were still walked by their father (if it was their first wedding), and had their sons as ring bearers, or groomsmen, or best men. I cannot even begin to tell you how important it was to my dad to walk me down the aisle, even though my daughters were waiting for me as flowergirls. A 9 year old is a perfect junior groomsman, and a two year old would be a great ring-bearer (who probably walk with you anyways, lol). Otherwise, there really isn't a way to talk to your dad about it other than just telling him. But, if you are going to do that, you should really give him something important to do. You are his daughter and you are getting married for the first time. I am pretty sure my husband would be extremely upset if he couldn't walk our daughters down the aisle, just from seeing the few weddings I have been too and the reactions of fathers, I would think this would be a blow to him.

Why not all of them.... have the boys walk behind the dad and groom. That is what someone I know did. The kids walked behind. I agree with many of the othwers it is a father who gives you away not the children. I would have the minister include them in as a united family may I present Mr and Mrs and then the childrens names. A dad will always say what ever you want to do, he will not want to damper your day, but his heart may realy be hurt. All dad's look for this day. Good Luck and happy wedding.

could you walk in with all 3?

Why don't you want your dad to walk you down the aisle?
Couldn't you have the boys walk in front of you and your dad and have them all? It's your wedding, but is this aspect of it worth hurting your dad's feelings? You must think it will or you wouldn't be having trouble telling him

Ask your dad if he would like to walk you down the aisle since you are an older bride. Don't tell him your idea since it might hurt his feelings. If he says no then go with your other idea but your sons will get their turn with their daughters. Don't take this magic away from your dad, or just walk by yourself and let your sons do something else since they are young.

D.

this is kind of a toughy........first of all, are you and only child, the only daughter, is you dad excited for you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you will probably hurt his feelings. Yes you feel you are older and already have the kids, but ever since you were born, and as a little girl he probably had feared the day (in a good way) of your first date, your graduation, and of course that traditional one and only (sometimes) walk down the aisle.

Since you are having a small wedding, make it personal, and bring your son's into it in another way. I am a wedding photographer and I have seen many different ideas. (and have heard some background grumble from close family members of the bride and groom when the dad is alive and well and doesn't get to walk his daughter down the aisle). HAve your boys stand with you when you light the unity candle, instead of just the 2 of you lighting it, why don't all of you do it (keeping the 2 y/o away from the flame a bit. Make it a family candle, uniting a family, not just a couple. Maybe have them walk out with your fiance right before you are walking down the aisle. Have them stand with you say your vows, write your own and include phrases that will discribe your newly joined family, not just joining as a couple. There are different ways to bring them into the ceremony and be a part of it, but let your dad walk you down the aisle.

On a personal note, I was married twice, and my dad was very happy to walk me down both times. And it was fine, I was happy the 2nd time I got it right. I have a daughter from my first, and I included her by having her stand with me while I said my vows. I also worded it on the invitation as if she were requesting the pressence of the guest to her mom's wedding.

What if all the men gave you away? Just an idea.

But frankly, I couldn't imagine not having my daddy give me away for the first time. I would also consider having the boys join the groomsmen as well.

Hi L.,

I can understand that you are not in the "traditional" relationship and wedding and all that jazz BUT I think for our father's it is something they have looked forward to the minute they found out they had a daughter. To your Dad you will always be his little girl no matter what mistakes you've made or which way you went about finding the person you want to be with.

I had been with my then boyfriend for 7 years with a 5 year old son when I married my sons Father. Even though we had been living together and for 7 years and we had a son together I still wore white as I gave that to my now husband, and my Dad still walked me down the isle, something my Dad was looking forward to.

Maybe your Dad could walk you down and be on one side and carry your 2 year old and have your older son on the other side of you. This way both boys get to walk you down the isle and also your Dad.

W. B.

Hi L.,
I Think it's very sweet for your son's to walk you down the isle!! But I bet your dad has been waiting for this day for a long time. I think it would hurt his feels not too. How about your dad on one side, and your boys on your other side?? That way your three favorite men are there and have the honor to do that? Best of luck with your wedding!!

I know someone who is planning the same thing, having her young son walk her down the isle. I understand her adult reasoning for this, but I feel it is most important to look at this from the child's perspective. I do not think any young child should be asked to 'give away' their mother. Normally, the minister asks, who gives this woman... Young children have enough of a problem with a new 'Dad' sharing Mom's attention. I would never ask my child to 'give me away' under those circumstances.

If you really want your sons to walk with you in order to help them know that they are part of this union, you might want to talk with the minister about re-wording the question. For example, he/she might ask the children, "Who comes with this woman to invite this marriage into their family?" So that the children can reply, "We do." It just seems that this is much more meaningful for the children than to ask them, "Who gives this woman away?"

If you can plan it this way, and you are not absolutely opposed to your father participating, you might just ask him to join the party and allow all 3 of them. He might be able to carry the 2 y/o, as they can be pretty unpredictable at ceremonies anyway. If I were in your shoes and willing to consider this option, I would probably tell Dad that I feel it is very important for the boys to take state their acceptance of this union as part of the ceremony, but that you do not want to exclude him. After explaining my feelings, I would propose the idea of having all 3 of them walk with me, and then tell Dad that it is up to him to choose if he wants to walk with the boys or not. This way, he gets to decide.

If you do not want to include him in this way, there are other ways to include parents in the ceremony. I've been to weddings where, before the groomsmen came in or anyone walked down the isle, the grandparents and parents came in from the side doors (backstage) and were introduced and embraced each other as a symbol of the merging of two family lines before being ushered to their seats. In others, in the middle of the ceremony, the parents each carried a candle and together lit a candle their own son/daughter was holding, then the couple took their two candles and lit a larger candle on the alter before them. By planning something like this, you can tell your dad that you feel this better expresses the way you want to honor what he means to your life and allows the boys to be a meaningful part of the ceremony as well.

These are just a couple of ideas. I'm sure there are many more options available to you. Sometimes, you just need to think it over and see that there are more than two options. Just think about the bonds of love and affection you are honoring in this ceremony and you will find the way that fits you and your family best.

I would have your dad walk you down the aisle. I know I'm thinking this way especially because my dad passed away this year, but just imagining if this were me, I would not want to have any regrets. You can even have your sons stand up with you. I went to a wedding last year, where the bride had been a single mom for 10 years, and there was a part in the ceremony where the groom (new dad) gave her daughter a ring also - it was so beautiful they were all getting married! Congratulations!

I am wondering why you don't want your dad to walk you? I would ask him first if it is something he has been waiting for all your life... in that case would you change your mind?

I had a courthouse wedding, so did my parents, and so did my husband's parents. Simple wedding with all family sitting watching, not having to play any role like that. That was such a nice easy wedding let me tell ya. :) I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings by not letting them be part of my 'wedding party' or something.

if that is your wish then you should do it...but it is the dream of men to walk down the isle with their girl at hand...maybe you should have your boys walk in front then your Dad & you...or your Dad & you with the Boys walking behind...think what you would do if you had girls and not boys would your girls walk you down the isle...I have been at weddings where the kids come from a divorced family and the Mom walks them down and the Dad sits...the Dad's to me don't look too happy...just my thoughts...Good Luck and Best wishes...

L.,
My husband and I were married just a year ago. I had my oldest son walk me down the aisle. We also lit a family unity candle. My dad completely understood.

L.,

If there are no issues between yourself and your Dad - why not have them all walk down the isle with you? One son on each side and your Dad behind you? Or maybe your Dad can carry the two year old?

If you just plain would rather have your boys "give you away" - just explain to your father that you want the boys do do so, because this wedding is also such a big part of their lives as well as your own, and you really want them OK with it and involved.

In any case no matter what

CONGRATULATIONS!

N.

You could have your Dad carry the 2y/o?! Or you could ask your hubby to be to have your Dad as a groomsmen, or since your sons will be walking you down the asile, maybe your Dad coule be the ring bearer?! That way he's still included... Or he could even walk behind you and your boys! He could hold your train if you have one etc... Just some ideas, good luck!

Hi L., I was a single parent for 13 yrs. with a 13 yr. old boy and 9 yr. old girl when I married my husband (my kids' stepdad). My husband has 3 children from his first marriage (his wife is deceased)and they were 8,7, and 3 when we got married. My husband and I both come from large families and this was the first actual wedding for both of us,and we didn't want to make a big deal with trying to include our siblings in a large wedding (we both had our first weddings done at the courthouse.) So, since we were really combining families and the family was the most important thing to us, we made our children our wedding party with my son walking me down the aisle. I thought it was a good idea at the time but now I think I would have been better off walking by myself because my son was pretty upset to be "losing" his mom, I didn't know this till after all was said and done and wouldn't have done it if I had known better. My kids and I are really close so it was hard for them because I am the only parent they have had. It's up to you and your sons, they are younger than mine was so they may not really care. Either way, just have fun with the wedding and plan it how you want it to go. :)
M. B.

When I read your post, I got an image in my mind...
If you are close to your dad, I'd still try to include him in "the walk" down the aisle. Maybe your older son on one side, your dad on the other, and the little guy walking just in front of you (or your older son), as a ring bearer or something (they like to have a job!) That way ALL your "men" are walking you down the aisle.
I just know, even now when my daughter is 16 months old, my husband will already say, "Can you believe someday I'll be walking her down the aisle?"
Best Wishes on your upcoming wedding!

It doesn't matter how old you are-kids or not-Dads want to walk their daughter down the isle. Why don't you have your Dad walk you half way down the the isle and then your sons can be seated in the middle and they can get up and walk with you the rest of the way & your Dad can folllow just behind you. All three of them can stand by you at the alter then be seated. Another idea- Your two yr old won't remember the day so he could be the ring bearer and walk in front of you- Dad walk the first half and your 9 yr old can join you & your Dad half way down the isle.

I would say have your dad give you away, its his job as a Dad. I am sure he would be excited and honored to give you away.

It's your wedding and of course you should do what's in your heart. But, the whole walking the bride down the aisle I think comes from when daughters were property and dad was literally giving his girl to a man. I think today, it's more of a symbolic gesture that dad, representing the family, is happily giving what is most precious to the man she chose to spend her life with. It's a way of saying "we approve of this marriage." Since you are living with your sons, they aren't giving you away. And since you are an adult and no longer living with your father, he's not giving you away either. I think you'd have a tough time getting a 2 year old to cooperate! If it were me, and I had nothing against my father, I'd have him walk me down the aisle and give my sons other important jobs at the wedding - one carrying the ring, one holding your train or something like that.

When I got married 6 years ago, I didn't want my dad to walk me down the aisle. I can't remember exactly what I told him... but I know I did, because I walked down the aisle all by myself. I'm trying to remember how the conversation went. We live far away, so I know it was over the phone. I think he asked me, and I just carefully calmly said that I really really wanted to walk down the aisle by myself. It wasn't a personal slight against him or anything, but I wasn't his to "give away". He understood and as far as I know he wasn't too upset by it. We still have a good relationship now.

Maybe just explain to him your idea, and why it's so important to you for him to walk with your boys... whatever reason that is. Or come up with something that sounds sweet and sappy and touching that'll help him feel better about it. If you can sell him on the idea, then that'll make a huge difference in his reaction.

L.,

Have you thought about having your dad and your sons walk together? Anything goes these days, and you have to do what's right for you.
Good luck

I'm sure your dad would get his feelings hurts. I know mine would have. Have your oldest be a groomsmen and your youngest be the ringbearer! Then everybody has an important role in your wedding.

Anything goes now a days for weddings.

One thing I do know is my oldest sister eloped. This hurt my Dad. He was looking forward to walking his daughter down the isle.

Maybe you can ask him if it would bother him or not. I tend to be the type of personality that I take people's feelings into consideration before making a decision.

I think trdationally the Dad is to "give away" the daughter because at one time women were property for lack of better terminology this morning. In a way, having your sons "give you away" is saying you belong to them, as if they are in charge. I guess a person can read this in several different ways. I tend to follow more traditional thinking when it comes to weddings.

I would express your feelings to your Dad and go from there.

Best Wishes,

J. H.

Hi and Congratulation!

I was wondering if you have talked to your oldest about
being in the wedding. Sometimes kids at that age don't even
enjoy being in front of groups of people, even though it is
an important event to you.
If he is okay with it, I might suggest that you do the youngest
as a ring bearer and your eldest walk with you and your dad.
Dads aren't around forever... I don't think you'll regret having him walk with you. Your son will respect you for that as well.
Best Wishes

I had my dad and my uncle give me away... I had my uncle give me away b/c he always wanted a girl and never had one. So I sorta adopted him.
You could have your 9 yr old and your dad on either side of you and your 2 year old in front...??
congralations!

It sounds like you and your dad must have a good relationship, as you are worried about how he will respond...

I would find a way to incorporate your boys and your dad together. Maybe have your boys start down the isle by them selves, and stopping at a determined point and then you start with the traditional walk with your dad and meet up with your boys and they join you and finish the walk together.....

I know when I remarried, My dad walked me and both of my boys stood up with us during the ceremony. I wanted them to feel a part of the wedding, that we were joining as a family unit, not only husband and wife.

What ever you do, will be right for you.

walk with all of them. My sister had my mom and dad walk her.

I had my 17 year old son walk me down the aisle, with my dad and step-dad behind us. It was very touching and I was so happy that all three guys could do that with me!