Custody - Hemet,CA

I also live in California and have a great deal of experience with the "Disneyland Dad" thing.

My ex took me to court for years trying to get custody of our son. He didn't really want custody, he just wanted to hurt me and get out of child support.

In my county, parents are required to attend mediation prior to any modifications taking place. Your son is old enough to meet with the mediator.

My ex husband thought he was being slick by bragging about how good my son had it with him, all the trips they took, how he had basically anything he wanted and had expressed a clear desire to live with his father.

The mediator just looked at him and said, "Yeah, well, it doesn't work like that. Some kids want to live with their dad just because he has a bigger TV.
It doesn't mean that's what's best for them".

My ex spent a lot of years and a lot of money on attorneys, etc.
He never got custody of our son.

If you are not required to go to mediation in your county, I suggest requesting it. Mediation is where the parents try to come to an agreement and can express their concerns. You have a right to your concerns.
You also have to keep in mind that lots of kids want lots of things, but they can be fickle and self-centered little creatures. They just want what they want and half the time, they don't even reallly KNOW what they want, let alone what best for them.

I obviously don't know your entire situation, but there doesn't seem to be any real valid reason for a change. He's in one spot for the school week, has every weekend and shares summers with his dad. That's pretty typical.

I know this is scary, but hang in there. Request mediation, don't agree to anything yet. Make sure you respond to the petition in a timely manner. You might also want to suggest family counseling to help your son deal with the two family situation as he enters puberty because it can be rough enough on kids in the first place. I would want to work on heading off any acting out before it starts. That will demonstrate proactive parenting.

Best wishes.

Katharine:

Welcome back!!

This is a tough situation. Boys need their male influence at some point in their life. I would hazard to guess that your son is almost a teenager right now?

he has expressed the desire to live with him. Okay. It MIGHT be because of the immaturity of his dad that he wants to live there - lax rules, etc. let him go. most likely after a while of not having any structure? He will be begging to come home. The grass looks greener now...he gets it on the weekends and boy is it fun....so why not have more of it? Most of the time, kids learn the err of their ways and go back to the right place.

I've always been of the adage the more you withhold from a child - the more they want it...that taboo thing...you can place limits and boundaries...but when you totally restrict a child from seeing or doing something they REALLY WANT (Rap w/swearing, violent movies and games, etc.) they will find a way to get it, because if it's TABOO - it MUST be good. That's why so many kids lose it when they go off to college....

I know this will be hard for you. Stay open with your son!!

Good luck!

you stated in your last question that your older son 16 would want to live withhis dad too which is a diferent dad. I think you should figure out why they each want to live with their dads.
Also from the past posts it seems you are struggling and not able to pay bills and such, if you are in such a dire condition why not let themlive with their dads and you get weekends if it would be good for them?
in the past post you were considering leaving them behind if you moved?

simply allowing too much music or tv doesnt indicate it not being a good sittuation. my daughters father does that and despite the huge pain he is to M. at times he is a good father

How old is your son?

What we did when the child expressed a desire to live with the other parent was 1. take stock of the situation and if it would be in the kid's best interest 2. talk to the child about any issues that could be resolved without a custody change (like BM actually taking her visitation) and 3. told all parties it was not going to be a handshake but a court decision, since we found no reason to uproot a child for something like "I miss mom" and their mom was declining the visitation she was already awarded.

In our case, she didn't even keep them all summer (which was her time) so what made her think she was ready to keep them in the school year? And her "want" only applied to SD. She turned SS down cold. I would also only make a big switch over the summer so that the child wasn't transferring in the middle of the school year.

I would definitely consult a lawyer, but also know that often judges don't like to change what works re: primary physical custody.

ETA: Ah, if he is 11 then that actually makes sense to me. It's the age where both my sks first expressed the desire to move with BM. I think there's something developmentally at that age. They see things differently. Since you have been served, your ex is saying he's taking your son's opinion into consideration. Or maybe he thinks that 12 is a magic number (DH's ex did) and wants CS. But either way if you do not agree with this change, then you need to lawyer up and tell the court why you don't think it's a good idea, and more than "I think he's immature". It could be "his brothers are here, he's doing well in school, I have my own home, etc."

And if a change is made, is it a full swap or is there a middle ground? We were never taken to court about it and we offered BM a more flexible schedule (which she didn't use) and then it died down til HS. It can be really hard to tell a kid no, I'm not going to just handshake this, but I also think that an open discussion is a good thing, even if it doesn't make everyone happy right then.

What about doing a trial over summer? Before redoing custody. Make sure he wants to move there before changing everything around

WHY does your son want to live with his dad?

If it's the music and the movies.... well, that's one thing... and not a good reason. However, depending on the conversations that accompany the music..... lack of censorship is not bad, so I wouldn't disqualify someone as a parent because of media choices. it's just that son may not be able to see past the *carrot* dangling in front of him.

However, he may also have different reasons. he needs to be able to articulate them... to someone. If he can't tell you, because he thinks you might be upset, then have him talk to someone who can help him sort it out.

To me..... it's a dangerous slippery slope to allow kids too much control over these kinds of decisions. It isn't healthy.

What are the schools like at his dad's? Even if his dad is isn't the best influence.... what about his grandparents, aunt etc? it's it a *community* or just a bunch of dysfunction?

These are all questions I would ask. I know, for me, I would not let my daughter go live with her dad. I am the better parent. In my case, it's pretty cut and dry, so he would never be able to get custody. But all cases are different.

ETA: I also remember this..... at whatever age my daughter thought she wanted to go live with her dad. I think all kids do that when their parents are divorced. I said, "well, this is what a Judge has decided is best. Would you like to talk to the Judge and explain why you think it would better to go live with your dad?" I let her know that custody was not something that could just be "changed".... that it was a legal process. And it involved more than just what she or I or her dad wanted. She didn't really understand that. She thought she could just do whatever she wanted. So, explaining the process made her understand the bigger picture.

How old is the son you are talking about? and what exactly did he file to change? Does he want sole custody or is he trying to change your parenting plan? Those are two different issues. He also may be trying to do it to lesson his child support, which is another separate issue.

I have an ex and my husband has an ex and we have paid a SICK amount in custody battles over the last 5 years since my hubs and I have been together and his ex turned into a demon. Anyway, DO NOT CHANGE CUSTODY OR THE PARENTING PLAN!!! Once you do, it is VERY difficult to change. He would practically have to be beating him and burning him for you to get him back. And even then, you may have a crazy judge like we did and he may just leave him there. So don't risk it. Keep him so you can make sure he's going to be ok. JMO. Good luck.

If you have been served this isn't a matter of doing what your son wants, it is a matter of what the court decides.

Your husband has gone all in which means he thinks he will win in court.

So the question is why does your son want to live with his dad? I am not buying into your opinion that your ex is immature and allows too much, everyone believes that of their exes.

11 is an odd age to want to make a change, it seems to me he has real reasons. Ask him and don't dismiss them. That will give you your answer as to whether to fight.

See the thing is I read this and feel like all he wants is his own space and the only way to get that is his dad.

IF your child's father has a job, doesn't do drugs and isn't a drunk, I suggest waiting until the end of the school year and as another mama said, give it a try over the summer with the agreement of NO violent games, movies or inappropriate music. (However, make sure the music thing isn't because you and your former husband just like DIFFERENT music).

If your former husband DOESN't have a job, is abusive in anyway and just living off his parents, you might want to modify the custody with less visitation. Obviously he's taken the time to obtain a lawyer, so that means you must do the same UNLESS you can come to an agreement.

In Oklahoma all a 12 year old has to do is tell the judge where he wants to live and if there are no "legal" reasons to deny the request the child is able to go live where he wants.

I'd call the court clerk in the county where this court hearing is going to be. It may be that you can just go and present your side, keeping it very short and sweet because the judge won't like you if you take too much time. They hear it all day long. They want short to the point sentences that say a lot in the absolute shortest way.

But I believe with his age that the chances of the court denying his wishes is pretty low. I'd fight it though just so the son would know you did try. Not in a mean way, just I love my son and can't imagine him not being there every morning when we wake up. He likes living with dad because he has looser rules and expectations that we do in our home......stuff like that. So he knows that the reason you are fighting to keep him is because you love him.

I'd make sure there are NO child support issues or tax issues because if dad gets him he will be filing with son as a dependent full out. And he may request child support too.

The hardest thing right now for your son is that he has to see his siblings enjoy a home with both of their parents. That has to be tough. And, no matter how much you think your husband shows your son equal love and a "place" in your home, he probably doesn't.

Normally, I would say to let him live with his dad, but it sounds like a bad environment. I wouldn't want my son around a live-in girlfriend situation. How disrespectful is that!

So my advice is to get your husband, you and your son into family counseling. Your husband needs to see that he is the problem without anyone coming out and telling him that. He needs to take your son on one-on-one outings and teach him about becoming a godly man. At the very minimum, your husband cannot do the disciplining. Your son does not see him as Dad. It will feel like he is coddling him, but it is better than alienating him. Your husband needs to go out of his way to give your son status and feel respected in his home. Notice I said he has to FEEL respected as I am sure your husband respects him.

Also, be sure to let your son know that you are sorry you put him in this less-than-ideal situation but that you want to make it work. Listen to him without saying anything. Let him know that he can voice his frustrations without you minimizing them or dismissing them. Ask him if he feels like an outsider in your home. And let him be honest without saying anything other than that you are sorry, it's not his fault and that you will do whatever it takes to make it better.

How old is your son? When they get into their mid-teens, a judge will often let them decide where they want to live. If he is younger, then talk to him and find out why he wants to live with his father. Keep in mind that his dad may be pressuring or making promises to him if he moves in with him. On the other hand, it's normal for children to want to know their father.

Whatever the reason, if you believe your current parenting arrangement is in the best interest of your son, then stand your ground. You will have to present a logical and reasonable case for why you believe that the current schedule is working. Come up with some alternatives that would also work. If your son spends weekdays with his dad, would he then have weekends with you? Be prepared to be flexible and open to change. Whatever the outcome, the most important thing is to maintain a good relationship with your son, no matter where he is living.

If your son is 12 and he wants to go live with his father, that's probably what is going to happen. At age 12, the judge will actually ask your son what he wants and he will take that into consideration.

It doesn't sound like there's any real danger in him living with his dad. Sure, dad does some things differently and you feel your way is best, but there's nothing in what you've written that makes me think that a judge will side with you in light of the fact that your son wants to go.

If I were you, I would save my money, agree to the change and try to keep your relationship with your son good.

You might also find that your son won't be quite as happy as he thinks he will be if he makes this move. It's one thing to have a child around on weekends only; it's quite another for them to be around full time.

For example, my grandchildren always said they wanted to live with me. I explained to them that if they did, things would not be the same as when they are coming to visit for the weekend. If they lived with me, they would be doing chores, I would be on them about homework, etc. Basically the same things would be happening at my house as they are trying to get away from by living with me.

The weekend house is not the same as the weekday house. Your son may come to find that's true in his father's home as well.

I can't imagine how you feel, I would have been devastated if it were me.

Well now that you have been served, it may not be as easy to do this but this is what I would suggest. Go to court, tell the judge as conscisely as possible what you think is best and why. Because he will probably take what your son has to say into serious consideration (since he's 12), offer to give it a trial run over the summer (that way he can finish his school year where he is). And let it be a temporary thing to be reevaluated the end of July/beginning of August so if school change is necessary it van be done at the start of the school year.

I would also talk to your son and find out exactly why he claims to want to live with his dad. Is it becuase there he is the only child/grandchild rather than one of several? Is is because his grandparents are there and he is spoiled? Is it because he wants to be with his dad? or because he doesnt' want to be w/ your husband? If it is the latter, please evaluate if your hubby is a bit too h*** o* him (and do something about it if so).

How old is your son? If based on prior posts you're talking about your 11 year old then talk to him more about what this really means. Kids that age are old enough to articulate what they think the positives and negatives are, even if those aren't based in reality.

What I would really emphasize with your son is that he would be giving up his friends and his school. He'd have to start over in a new school at an age where it can be really tough to transition. Different sports teams. Different kids to try to make friend with. If those are currently positive experiences for him, that alone might get him to re-think this.

A lot of non-custodial fathers will file for custody as a means to get out of child support. What most of those who play that game don't understand is that it actually costs more to have a child live with you - when my SD moved in with us, what we had been paying her mother for child support was a bargain compared with what having another person in our household cost in terms of groceries, school lunches, school supplies, toiletries, the electric, oil and water bills, etc. So if you suspect he's just trying to get out of child support, a financial reality check may be in order.

In any case, it doesn't sound like it's in your son's best interest to move in with his father. For your son and his dad, it looks like a win-win - your son gets little to no discipline, your ex doens't have to pay child support (and would actually get it from you) and with his parents and sister in the same house, he probably doesn't even have to worry too much about childcare. This looks like sunshine and lollipops to them but you know what's best for your child and this situation probably isn't it.

The age at which courts consider the wishes of the child varies, but your son is on the younger end of that spectrum so what he wants, if it's considered at all, won't hold much weight.

What you may want to consider doing for now is offering extended time with his dad over the summer so that they both get a reality check. But if I were you, based on what you wrote, I would fight custody because I would feel very strongly that it is in the best interests of the child to be with you. With that said, document everything you can dig up on your ex so that you can be prepared to defend yourself if this goes to court.

How old is your son?

Do you have a good enough relationship with ex to talk to him about how being in his own space might be healthier for his son if he's gonna live with him? Unfortunately, you don't get to parent at your ex's house, so you can't tell him what not to expose his son to. Talk with son and ex, separately, about your goals in parenting and why you think some things are more appropriate than others. Don't just dictate it to ex because that will not go over well. Try to get on the same page with him about what you guys want for your son at each stage of his life, and then let him achieve in his way at his house while you achieve in your way at your house.

Maybe you can appeal to the judge with a stipuation that the custodial parent must have his/her own home, but think about how you would feel if you were forced to lived with relatives and couldn't keep your son because of it.