Curious About People.

I can understand how you felt. However, your son was not making any statement that there was something WRONG with the man being black, and I doubt that this man felt offended at all.

I specifically DID have an instance at the store with my son where he actually used the N word. I was not only mortified but HEARTBROKEN because we NEVER EVER EVER use that word in our lives because its so VERY wrong. I asked him where he heard that word from and once he told me, I knew his contact with that person was OVER (it was from the mom of one of his friends and I later, in spending way too much time with her (and she'd been drinking and proceeded to use that word LOTS) I emailed her the next morning to call me and then very simply told her I was cutting all ties with her and why. The point I'm making is, while it didn't occur to me at the moment, there was a black family in line right behind us. The mother, God bless her each and every day of her life, said the wisest thing to me that I've heard....she said "He's little and has no idea what he's saying. But you DO need to address it with the person who taught it to him". And I absolutely did!

Anyway, sorry for my own little story, but PLEASE make sure that you are helping your son understand that people of ANY race or ethnicity are all created specifically as God intended them to be. It sounds like you're a great mom and teaching him well, but also make sure he isn't hearing negative things from others that might possibly shape his ideas as well.

3 moms found this helpful

People expect this type of thing from 4 year olds, but as an adult I know how embarrassing it can be! While checking out at the store the other day my son noticed the checker had only one leg, and he hopped to get around. (the man had had polio has a boy) My son thought that was so funny, and started hopping on one leg too. I was mortified, trying to stop him and explain he was not being nice, but the man laughed, came out from behind the counter so my son could see better, and said "Yes, it can be fun to hop on one leg" :) Usually as a parent we are so afraid that someone will be offended, we forget that they more than often are not, since they know that this is normal for kids of that age.

3 moms found this helpful

Take off with it, and find cultural events in your area that you can participate in! This is a great opportunity to have fun and learn about different cultures. Check your local community calendar and surely you could find a variety of family friendly cultural based activities.

There are plenty of books about culture and race aimed at kids. Contact your local library and see what you can find and read and learn together.

As for your son shouting at the man in the restaurant...the man probably took no offense.

As a person of color, I can tell you kids reacting like that, and even adults making off the cuff comments is regular occurance. Over time you can pretty much discern if there is malice behind the comments or not. Surely the man realized your son is just observing differences...and not concluding that you're raising a racist! LOL.

I will say however, that making a big deal out of his perfectly innocent response would be bad...he'll start thinking there IS something wrong with differences if you act strongly or mortified.

In the future, just make a more general statement like: pointing is considered impolite, or talking about strangers and what they look like isn't good manners. Don't focus on the race aspect, and more so on what is considered polite behavior in public.

3 moms found this helpful

I don't think he did anything embarrassing. He's just beginning to notice differences, that's all. I've only told my son (7) this: some people have white skin, some people have brown skin or black skin. I show him that his skin is naturally lighter than mine and that skin varies much like hair or eye color.

3 moms found this helpful

I actually think that's really sweet. I would just explain to him that people come in all different shapes, colors and sizes and that's what makes this world a wonderful place. Let him know he's perfect just the way he is. Let him know that it's ok to see the differences in people but not to say anything. You can explain, however, that if he has questions (such as why does that girl use a wheelchair, etc.) he can always ask you quietly.

2 moms found this helpful

Kids aren't born with the ability to be racist or prejudiced - they learn it from society as they age. I think it's awesome that he's asking questions and giving you the opportunity to teach him the values you want to instill.

Our 4 year-old asks inappropriate questions all the time, too. Most of them are loud enough for the person to hear, and I do my best to answer the question appropriately and loud enough for the person to hear that we're trying to teach our kids as best as possible.

Recently, it was a question why someone was in a wheelchair. I responded, "that's how they get around because their legs don't work the same way as we do". He responded, "Wow, that's cool!" Answering the question about why the guy on the Harley was wearing earrings was a little harder, but we made it work after lots of "why's".

My photo on my driver's license was taken exactly an hour before I was diagnosed with cancer. I lost most of my hair and still have it much shorter than it was then. When I have to show my ID, people often make comments on the difference and then don't know how to respond when I say, "Oh, I had cancer and lost it in chemo". It doesn't bother me, it's the truth......they asked, I answered. What I find most amazing about the experience is how adults responded to my lack of hair compared to kids - most of the kids on our street didn't care. They thought the wig was cool, but adults stared and made me very self-conscious.

1 mom found this helpful

I totally agree the first mom. He can totally ask you about differences, just quietly. And if he does get loud, you can say (quietly) "Yes, he is Black, isn't he handsome?" and if that would come off as making fun of the guy because he obviously was not handsome, then you can say "Yes, he is Black, that is how God made him just like he made you White". I think this last one can work to describe anyone who is different from him.

1 mom found this helpful

I think that you handled it fine. My daughter (3 at the time) walked into our church on Halloween and saw a rather large woman being pushed in a wheel chair, she pointed and yelled, "mommy look at that big lady!” We were horrified and apologized and knelt down immediately to tell her how inappropriate that was. The lady just smiled and the man kind of chuckled a little (i think that they understood her). My daughter got really upset that she was "in trouble". She started crying a little and said, "but mommy it’s just like the lady in my book?" my sister had given her the book there was an old lady who swallowed a fly. It was then we understood that’s all she meant. She was just like the lady in her book and there was nothing wrong with her, she just was making the connection. She didn’t do it to be mean. We talked a lot about what is nice to point out and what isn’t... :) to this day we blame my sister for that one. :)

1 mom found this helpful

Hopefully, most people will realize that a 4 year old is not racist. Also, it is hard to keep them quiet and hard to explain which topics need to be kept quiet! I'd relax about it, and if something similar happens again, just say, (loud enough for others to hear), "Yes, he looks like a nice man doesn't he?" or "Yes, isn't she a pretty lady?" Hope this helps!

1 mom found this helpful

Try not to feel embarrassed about that. Most people who have children will understand that he's just curious, not a racist-in-training. Wait until he starts noticing that people are short, fat, have missing limbs, pregnant, are nursing babies, etc.! This is a normal stage of his development, learning to recognize differences and seeing his world beyond himself and his immediate family. There are some lovely books in the library about the beauty and differences that make us all unique. I would recommend them if I could remember the names of them, but I'm sure a librarian could help you find them. Congratulate your son on being so observant and continue to teach him how to recognize and appreciate the beauty and uniqueness of who he is.

1 mom found this helpful

i think it's fine to ask and fine for you to answer. i'm not sure it's fine to make him whisper, although a polite indoor voice might be appropriate. whispering implies secrecy or embarrassment. why should a four year old be embarrassed by his curiosity? a great answer to 'look at that black man!' might be 'yes, isn't it wonderful how many different colors our skins are?'
khairete
S.

Out of the mouth of babes. My son is bi-racial and loves to comment on color. He'll say mom that brown man has a mustache. He considers himself mocha gold. They are just curious and at their young age I have never seen anyone take offense. People usually say your right my skin is golden or whatever he said to them. Just do what you are doing telling him people are all different cuturally but we are all the same, human. A side funny story that is different and I had to correct my son as the woman gave us the look of death. We were in a super market and a woman who was on the side of 400lbs, had a large and rather protruding butt. My son made comment that it was so big and stuck out that you could balance a tray on her butt. That WAS offensive and I had to talk to him about not hurting peoples feelings.

Carlos Eire in "Waiting for Snow in Havana" covered this a bit. When he was a little kid, 4ish/5ish he wouldn't eat anything black, because he didn't want his skin to be black. (He lived in a racist time, try not to judge). His mother explained about how foods don't turn you colors. I wouldn't recommend the book, but there are several interesting passages that touch on race.

My DD asked a similar question the other day...she goes to a dual language immersion school so half the kids are native spanish speakers, most emigrated from Mexico. So a few weeks ago as we're driving home she asks when her skin will start turning brown. What the??? "What do you mean sweetie?" Well, mom, as I learn spanish like the rest of the kids in my class, will I be brown like them?

So I explained that mommy speaks Hungarian and I'm not a different color than her and she speaks spanish. And that Spain is full of people that look just like her and they speak spanish. The color your born is the color you stay no matter what you do to change it. No amount of eating funny foods or speaking other languages will change that.

Meanwhile, keep the dialogue open and tell him to use his indoor voice :) GL!!

I'm sure there are books at the library to help and to talk to him about other races, colors, etc. If he has freckles, he has the same chemical - melanin - in his skin that all people of color do, just a different amount. Maybe if there's a way to get out more to places where there are a lot of different people around you can talk about how people are the same and different. Sesame Street might be something to check out if you don't already watch it, as they are very multicultural, and you can address the different color thing when talking about the monsters and puppets too. :)

Newsweek did a fascinating article about children's perceptions of race. I highly recommend reading it. http://www.newsweek.com/2009/09/04/see-baby-discriminate....

just to add a slightly different perspective, you should read "NurtureShock" by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, it's a very interesting read all about various studies that have been done on child development, many of which debunk a lot of our commonly held beliefs (and practices) surrounding parenting. there's a chapter in there on early development of race perception, racism, etc. that's pretty enlightening. it's entitled "Why White Parents Don't Talk About Race: Does teaching children about race and skin color make them better off or worse?" in (very) short, the findings are that the worst things we can do are to shush our child, subvert the conversation, fail to talk about it. (Same goes for all the other "embarrassing" stuff, like obesity, wheelchairs, etc. etc.) Shame is not the way to go. You just need to address it simply, kindly, frankly, and without apology. After all, the man IS black, and probably pretty aware of that fact. There's no offense in that. If you walked into a pizza parlor and a little kid said "Mommy! Look at that white woman!" you would probably just smile, be a little perplexed, and amuse yourself with the image of how the mom is going to handle that awkward little exchange..... Seriously, all you need to say (neither hushed nor overly loud) is, "Yes, honey, I see him." If the conversation stops there, great. If not, if he asks other questions, then just answer them.

It's true what people said about others not tending to take offense at the comments of small children, and you just need to trust in that. and if you do run into the rare person who takes offense, then you handle it by mentoring how you would want your child to handle it: you're polite, apologetic, but firm that there's been a misunderstanding and it's not the case that your child has been offensive, even as you're sorry that offense was taken. We tend to forget that all you have to do with small children is answer the question that was asked, and not turn it into a big conversation about sun exposure and genetic influences and race relations and where we come from globally and blah blah blah. Just answer the question that was asked, keep it light and easy, and chances are everyone will get on with their lives just fine. And -- don't underestimate the importance of this -- your kid will actually learn the "it's no big deal" lesson a lot more clearly than if you go on and on about how it shouldn't be a big deal and we shouldn't point things out and we shouldn't notice things that, frankly, we all notice. That's a very confusing message for a child. if it's really no big deal, then don't make a big deal out of it. the man is black. yep. he is. no big deal.

(ok, it took me about 18 hours to post my "slightly different perspective" -- kids derail my computer time, darnit! -- so, yeah, a couple of people weighed in in the meantime, which I hadn't seen.... in fact, the Vittrup study that Karen L. pointed you to is exactly the one that Bronson and Merryman used.... but heck, I still say what I say... :) )

Just to add my story......my daughter, 5 at the time and very WASP, longed to be Japanese because her best friends were Japanese-American. She told her Sunday School teachers that we would be traveling to Japan for the summer to visit her grandparents. Aren't we fortunante to live in such a place with so many different shapes/cultures of people as friends?

I used to chase kids of a darker persuasion. I was intrigued. I embarrassed my mom a lot. My family is VERY FAR from being racist. In my family, everyone is equal unless you give reason to not be treated as such. But I'm sure if you'd have said something to that man like, "I'm sorry, he's very curious about people and their differences. Please don't be offended.", that man would've probably shrugged, said no problem and maybe said hi to your son.