Cultivating Patience

Can you take 20 minutes for yourself between school and picking up your kids? Someplace to unwind and leave all your frustration for the day?

I like to close my office door and do 10 minutes of yoga (or if I'm feeling less motivated, 10 minutes of facebook lol) in my office just before I walk out the door to switch gears between work and home. But if you work in a school, you probably don't have an office where you can close the door. Is there somewhere else? A coffee shop on the way home where you can sit and drink a cup of tea, take some deep breaths, and unwind? A public park where you can sit on a bench and have a little snack that you brought from home that morning while you read a book? Or even your house, if it's on the way between work and home.

Taking a 15-30 minutes for yourself between work and home is not selfish if it makes you a better mom for the rest of the day. In fact, it is doing you AND your kids a favor.

Make it a joyous thing. Oh look, Tommy's spilled grape juice on my cream carpet, the dog is under the impression that there are vermin under the rug and has taken to scratching ferociously, and Sally has overflowed the tub, and the UPS man is at the door and needs my signature- looks like another opportunity to practice patience. I am so pleased for another opportunity to practice patience.

You might start wtih a bit of snark, but after a few iterations, at least for me, the snark goes away, and I find joy in the many opportunities to practice patience.

practice makes perfect.
best,
F. B.

I think it's hard to come home from work straight to kids without having some time to decompress in between. My husband stops at the gym almost every day on his way home. Even if he doesn't work out he'll sit in the steam room for 20 minutes or so and just relax.
I don't have this need because I don't work and therefore am able to (usually) build breaks into my day.
I realize you probably want to pick your kids up as soon as possible and maybe even feel guilty at the idea of leaving them for an extra hour in daycare, but really, wouldn't they be better off if YOU were in a better mood each day? It's about the quality of time we spend with our children, not the quantity.
I think going to the gym, taking a walk or maybe just sitting at the coffee shop and reading or messing around online or whatever would be a good idea before coming home. Give yourself some down time every day before dealing with your kids, dinner, home, chores it will recharge you I am sure.

I agree you're not taking enough time for yourself. In the effort to rush home and spend more time with your children, you aren't calming down enough or making enough of a break - you are rushing from one stress-filled segment of the day into the next. So the "quality time" (an over-used phrase!) with your children is diminished. You hold in your frustrations with your job because you have to, and you let it out at home because you think that's safer. But it's bugging you too.

It's hard to ask yourself, "Will this matter tomorrow?" or "Is this a battle I really want to fight?" But you have to do that. A lot of times we do things in our role as parents that were done to us as kids, and a lot of times we do the exact opposite. When I was a kid, nothing I did was good enough. A 98 on a test? "What happened to the other 2 points?" (Imagine my shock when I graduated from college and no employer ever asked for my grades!) "You got into the National Honor Society? You'd better get your homework done because it looks like we'll have to out tonight to the stupid induction ceremony." (You'd think, if there was one small group of kids who didn't have to be nagged to do their homework, it was the group in the honor society!) I was yelled at all the time, spanked frequently, and ridiculed for not being as outstanding as my mother.

I swore I would never do that to my child, but still, I lapsed into it because it was so ingrained. Exactly what you're worried about. Over time, I realized I didn't want my child to think of me the way I thought of my mother. I realized the problem was my mother's shortcomings and demons, her feelings of inadequacy, that made her behave this way toward me. You are saying that your own frustrations are causing the problem, and they have nothing to do with your 3 year old. So maybe you can relate. It's an eye-opener - it was for me.

So, can you expect less? Not just of your 3 year old, but of yourself? Can you cut in half the number of things you feel you MUST do when you pick them up? If you are racing home to get dinner and do laundry, can you make 4 dinners on Sunday that you can re-heat during the week? Rachael Ray and many others have menus and simple ideas of how to do this efficiently, while turning that Sunday meal prep into a family bonding activity. That way, when you get the kids home, you can play and just spend time together, which is what they need and want!

Can you turn other things into a game with your 3 year old? For example, sorting laundry can be an exercise in learning colors. Matching clean socks out of the dryer can be a game too. Okay, you'll have to spread them all out on the couch, and it will take twice as long, but so what? It's togetherness and it's also a learning activity for her. If you have a small basket for her own stuff, she can take her things to her room and help put them away.

Can you turn setting the table into an activity for her? If you draw an outline of silverware or create a placemat showing the proper location for each utensil, plate, napkin and cup (and then maybe run them off on different colored card stock which you have laminated), she can choose a placemat for herself and for you, put some dishes in the right location, and then all you have to do is serve and wipe down the placemat with a damp sponge. It takes some prep time but it's worth it.

Can you sometimes have "breakfast for dinner" or "upside down day" so that eggs and toast is the dinner you have? Can you put a big old sheet down on the floor for a "dinner picnic" so you don't even have to set the table? Maybe use disposable dinnerware just once every 10 days so there's a day you have no dishes. I'm a huge recycler so once in a while I don't feel guilty for using disposables.

If you work in the schools, maybe you can use the upcoming vacation to really plan out some changes. Get a book from the public library on how to wind down a little, how to get the whole family involved in family maintenance activities so it's not all on Mean Ol' Mom to be the daily police officer.

It helps to know that kids don't know what "clean your room" or "tidy up the family room" or "clear the table" really mean. They can't handle big complicated jobs like that - they can do 2 things at most ("Put your coat on the hook and take off your shoes") so don't add a third!

These years will be gone before you know it, and you will be wishing your children spent more time at home with you before rushing off with their friends to the mall or their high school group to the big game, and then there's college or the working world. Take time to really relish in what it means to be a child and to see the world through their eyes.

I have friends that are Teachers that have their own kids, and I really high five all you Teachers. Its a hard, job. I work at a school too and also Sub teach. Its not easy.
;)

But about your "problem" with being/feeling all stressed/having no patience at the end of the day, this is what I have always done with my kids since they were Toddlers:
I have ALWAYS, been forthright, about myself, to them, and my own "cues." I also likewise, teach THEM to know their own "cues"/moods/limits etc. Because, that is life and everyday, we all have, different levels of patience. Its just being, human. I tell my kids, no one is "perfect." I don't expect them to be PERFECT, they have to unwind/vent TOO. AND MOMMY DOES TOO. But to make it more palatable... for myself and them... I taught them to say, when they are not able to be patient etc. and ME too. I say so. To them. I will actually tell them "Mommy, is stressed/irritated now... I had a long day... give me 10 minutes... of quiet etc." And they UNDERSTAND. And they do it. And if THEY had a hard day too or are tired or fussy or lack patience, THEY can say so... too, to me. And we are all on the same, page. About it. And it is OKAY. I teach them that. To know... their own, cues.
They are 7 and 11 years old now, and they know themselves/their cues, and how to communicate it. Me, too.
And by doing so, none of us has to "pretend" about our feelings. Because, we communicate it. And I don't punish for it. After all, even adults get crabby/fussy/irked/grumpy. Too. And kids do, too. But, if we all know we are ABLE to say so, in a palatable way, to each other... it HELPS a ton. And then you don't feel all alone in it when you are having a less than stellar, day in the patience department.

This, is what I do. When I feel like an OGRE.... after a hard day or when I am PMS'ing etc. and am, cranky. or lack, patience.
And what I have taught my kids, too, to know themselves and that they can say so, say their limits or lack of patience at a given moment, and it helps everyone. Because, it is expressed. My son, even when he was 3 years old, and was in a "grumpy" mood, would actually tell me "Mommy I am irritated. I'm going over there to be by myself...." and he would do so. And then after, he'd come and tell me "I feel better now.... " and give me hug.
Things like this are taught.
For kids and adults.

I never blame my kids for my bad day.
And they don't blame either.
But we can say so, and then, don't have to pretend... about our feelings.
And then, deflate... as we need to.

I will even tell my Husband "I am in an impatient mood. FYI. I need a break." And because I say so, openly, he understands.
There does NOT have to be a REASON for it, some days are just, hard.
But if you know how you are feeling, say so, in a palatable way, then, that in itself cuts down the "stress" of it, a lot.

My kids know me real well. My cues.
And I know them.
And they know themselves.
Because we can say, so.
It is all very positive. Not negative. Even if someone is in a less than patient, mood.

I love the suggestion of giving yourself some time alone before dashing to pick up your children. A snack while reading a book. Doing some stretching, drinking some hot tea.

I used to admit what I was feeling and ask for help.
I am really tired, may we listen to this book on the radio with no talking please.

Here is a snack, I need to close my eyes for 10 minutes can you please play quietly?

I am very frustrated, please give me some minutes to think about this.i am not frustrated with you. Thank you.

I am feeling tired. Please carry my purse so I can carry in the groceries.

Give your children options, I can tell you are hungry, you like sliced apples, or some crackers while I pick up some groceries?

Wow mom needs 2 minutes of quiet, can you help me find the quiet?

And admit you are about to lose it and ask them for what you need. i really do not want to yell, so please quit taking sisters toys.

I also learned that instead of yelling to almost whisper, our daughter would the whisper as though we were sharing a big secret.

Go to the gym for a workout or class before you go get the kids. 45 minutes sweating, and then 15 minutes of just sitting, reading, stretching, drinking some water, whatever. THEN blast your favorite tunes and drive to pick up the kids. Smile at people. Slow down. You don't have to get everything done RIGHT NOW. And you don't have to fight every battle.

Recruit your three year old's help at home. "Help me make dinner. Please put the forks on the table. Do you know where the napkins are? Okay, mommy's going to cook now....can you get me the measuring cup? Now the food is in the oven, let's go read a story!" And so on.

A lot of time, kids seeking our attention JUST when we don't have the time to give it is why we lose our temper. So START with giving your daughter 15-20 minutes. If you've already given her some one-on-one time, she won't seek it so much later when your hands are full. :-)

Prevent, prevent, prevent. I track my triggers and then problem solve solutions. I also walk away A lot. Then try again. Sometimes young kids,under 5, resist but then are willing to go along with what you want just a minute later.

I also say things to myself like, as I breath in, my body relaxes, as I breath out, I smile. Put on a fake smile, and give your kid a hug. That helps me a lot to regain my patience.

When I do yell. I apologize, and then make note of the trigger. Sometimes I'm just tired and need a cup of tea. Other times there are real problems to solve, like, how to get the kids to pour their cereal without dumping half the box all over the kitchen. Anything that makes less work for me, the better.

Meditation helps too.

One thing that might help is this: look *always* for the good things about your children. It's very easy to see and hear what's wrong. It's not always easy to see what's right unless you deliberately look for it all the time.

When you do see that good something, mention it out loud: "I really liked the way you came the first time I called, Maria." "What a good job you did, being patient with the baby while I was fixing lunch." "I like your happy smile!" Make it short and sweet. Don't attach a "but" or a lecture to it. Say that good thing *aloud*; that makes it real to your child and to you.

Another little thing is to say, "I love you" a lot, out loud, even when it might not be the most "lovable" of days. Do the many variations on that theme. One thing, for instance, that I like to say to one of my grandchildren is, "If I didn't have a Kimmy just like you, I'd want a Kimmy just like you!" It doesn't matter if she's just had a thirty-minute major meltdown that the whole neighborhood can hear. When she's visiting, I'll say something like that to her as much as possible, especially at those moments when "her ears are open" and she's more willing to hear. You have to look for those moments because they can come out of the blue.

Those may not seem like big ways to handle the stress that comes with motherhood, but they will help. They will turn your mind in a different direction, and you may be able to be patient just a little longer.

You have to find a balance like the other women said. In order to be a successful and happy momma, you have to have "you" time. Whether that is a walk around the mall, the coffee shop, or a park bench to unwind you do it. This 15 minutes a day helps you set your gears from work to home.

Think of the recent quarterback Sherman who had not switched gears before he was interviewed and came off mean and evil. This is what you are so unwind. So take a breath count from 1 to 10 when you are upset with them and then let it out.

I work 22 miles from my home and it takes me 30 minutes to get home if I don't stop for groceries and I switch gears to and from work to being the home me and not the work me.

These years do fly by. Keep the communication open with your kids for the future tween and teen years. Daughters are special to moms and dads. Let her help you and she will learn what she needs to do and it prepares her for living on her own (laundry, dishes, setting the table, and manners). Remembers, kids learn from what we do as well as what we say.

You can do it. Just find the sweet spot and proceed from there. Happy landings.

the other S.

I get like this when I am doing too much too fast - zooming out the door at work, rushing to pick up my kids, flying home to do the nightly routine, whipping up a dinner, feeding everyone with eight arms in ten directions, etc. etc. Surely any working parents can sympathize with this. However, that approach is a recipe for disaster for me. I get so busy doing that when my three year old digs in his mule stubborn heels, the whole thing comes off the tracks in short order. I get mad and frustrated, he gets the same and then my one year old figures he needs to join the fray. It's a wonder we don't all run down the street crazy some nights. Instead I slow down. I stop leaping fifty steps ahead. I focus on the task in front of me - the drive to daycare, pick up and talking to the daycare ladies (how are they, how are my boys, etc.), the drive home, the initial at home things (putting up bags, taking off coats, putting away shoes, who needs a small snack to hold them through to dinner, etc.), dinner (can they even wait for me to cook or is this a frozen meal night with minimal fuss), the playtime, and then the bedtime routine. I find when I slow down and stop trying to do everything all at once and just right, I get less upset. I can clue into the nights my boys simply aren’t going to be able to handle me cooking. They both need too much for me to stand at the stove cooking so instead we do an easy meal and I focus on them which is really what they need.

As far as yelling, most of us do it at one point or another so find your triggers and work to keep them from getting set off. I am a big advocate of whispering when I get mad. I lower my voice way down and it is darn hard to yell or even be mad at that volume. In general find what is making the whole thing come off the tracks and work on correcting that. For me slowing down and keeping things simple is best. My kids don’t care if dinner is elaborate or simply. Frankly neither do I. I want to feed everyone with minimal fuss and focus on my family after being gone all day. My husband is an enormous help. We have developed a level of communication where I can tell him I need help right this second because I am about to lose my cool. He tags in and lets me go cool off. He also helps me know when I am getting in the red and lets me know I need to chill out.

You know you love your kids so you just have to find your way back to enjoying them and finding joy in them, warts and all. Good luck.

P.S. I am the type of person who can't swallow spending less time with my kids. It makes my bad moods worse so carving out 'me' time is tricky. If it's a nice day, I will pick up a special snack and take all of us to the park. They can play and unwind while I do too. If the weather isn't all that nice, then I take the special snack home and we break rules like eating in the playroom while they goof off. It's amazing what a chocolate chip cookie in the right setting can do for everyone.