January 05, 2010,
L.C. asks from Lansing, MI on January 04, 2010
Creative Consequences That Work!
I'm looking for some creative consequences for my 4.5 and 8 year old. The 4.5 year old has taken on a "when and where I want to" attitude towards his sisters possessions, and food. He wakes up in the mornings, sometimes as early as 4 and comes out to the TV, grabs stuff out of the fridge (sometimes making a mess) and hasn't really responded to revoking privledges. My 8 year old has started being disrepectful (mocking) to me and her little brother as well. She just left a phase where she would melt down and become incredibly fusterated. It has been a long year and hard work, but now she has become SASSSSYYYYY. Any suggestions??
A.H. answers from Detroit on January 04, 2010
Sounds like the 4yr old is expressing his independence, or trying to. Do you give him the opportunity to have choices in his daily routine, or are you making the decisions for him?
I don't have a daughter, nor a child at that age yet as my son is only five. However, I notice my son pays very close attention to my husband and I and models our actions, body language, phrases, etc... this could be going on with both children very easily.
Your 'About me' mentions you are divorced, so depending on when these events took place or any upset in their routine really does impact behavior more than parents think or will give credit. All parents have to remember that our children STRESS out over things too ~ and it doesn't have to be a very big thing; it can be very tiny to us but to them it is shattering and effecting.
This behavior sounds like there is a struggle going on for balance (with both kids.).
A.V. answers from Detroit on January 05, 2010
You know your kids better then anyone else so my suggestions are going to be pretty general. I have an "if then chart" that works for us. I bought mine (http://www.doorposts.com/) but you can make one up for your specific issues. For example "IF you are disrespectful (sassy) THEN Spend 8 min. in your room by yourself and have to ask for forgiveness before coming back"
Or... IF we make a mess THEN we have to clean it up.
It took us a while to get punishments that worked but now my 5.5 and 3 says... what does the chart say when I hit my brother?? So we go to it and see that it says a 5 min. timeout and hug your brother before getting up.
Having it written down makes it easier to be consistent and they see it and "get it". You also need to sit down with them and explain each item so they understand the THEN part etc...
You can also do rewards the same way... IF they ARE respectful THEN you get a BIG hug and some computer time (or whatever). IF you stay in bed till 7:00 THEN you get to pick what you want for breakfast (just an example).
Get a digital clock for your son’s room and tell him he can’t get up until the clock shows…. And you can even put a sign by the clock to remind him in the morning (or middle of the night).
Good luck, doing it by yourself is very overwhelming and HARD. It is great that you are dedicated to making it WORK for yourself and your kids. GOD bless.
J.B. answers from Detroit on January 05, 2010
Creative Correction by Lisa Whechel (facts of life) has some remarkable creative meaningful ideas! Some of the stuff is like so creative it leaves me going "hmmm" but overall most are practical, creative and great ways of helping to disciple kids.Christian perspective that I highly recommend
K.M. answers from Detroit on January 05, 2010
They need structure discipline and direction. They need a routine in the morning and the one getting up and making a mess needs to clean up after themselves not you them show them how to do it and let them know if they keep it up they are cleaning it. Also get a rewards bored with choirs make them do certain tings around the house. My reward is 25 cents a choir completed. It goes from using manors to cleaning toilets and helping me out with stuff. I have about 30 different things. Bring your plate or what ever you eat with to the sink after each time you eat. Pick up toys, clean counter in bathroom, vacumn, do garbage, feed animal, so forth. You come up witha reward. Either alowance or maybe if they hit a month goal they will get to go here shopping or go to a community pool or something. Also make sure they have rules of the house and if they don't follow they get to go to the corner. What ever age they are is the time you use. so the 8 year old talks back or leaves a mess and refuses to clean it he goes to the corner with nose hitting the corner and stnads ther for 8 mins and after you explain if he did what he was told he would have got a star ont he board instead of being punished. You could also take away from them toys tv point ont he choir board. You can also do the marble system. For each thing they do on the choir board they get a marble, or for everyday they listen and don't mouth off they get marble so forth than when ther container is filled they get to what ever you choose. If it takes a spanking to contrlt th e sassyness don't feel bad but let her know the attitude and sassiness needs to go and she needs to be nice or she will get grounded for it. Take everything away from her and have her sit in her room for a day or two with no play nor tv. I dont believe in hitting but sometimes there just so out of control its a something that if its done they get to know you mean business. They need to know your the oss and there not gonna get away with walking on you. Thats what it sounds like they are doing and they think its ok because you have let it go on for so long. Some might be because of guilt of not being with ther father anymore. They need a parent not a friend after the parent has arrived and they understand business than the friend can come in. Also I have one more thing the one who isnt being nice to the other I would make them hug each other for about 5 to 10 mins if she or he is gonna pick on the other they need to show love instead and hug each other. eather have them stand in a corner and do it or on the couch. We as kids had to do it. I came from two older brothers also I have a son who is really mean sometimes and i make hime do that and than he changes his ways. good luck hope i was helpful.
G.B. answers from Detroit on January 05, 2010
It sounds like something's going on with the kids. Is it possible for you guys to see a family counselor together or maybe even your pastor? Have you ever read Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages for Children? It's be worth doing. Might help you understand the kids and give you ideas on dealing with each one. It may just be growth problems but I would try to talk with them seriously one-on-one, starting with the 8 year old. Sounds like something's on her mind. Has anything changed over the past year? I'm sure you're praying. I doubt there are any easy answers, even though someone might tell you that. It's tough that you're doing this alone, but lots of women have to and the Lord is certainly with you.