January 13, 2007,
S.Q. asks from Warren, OH on January 10, 2007
my husband works away from home all night and through the next afternoon. and then goes to sleep when he gets home for his next shift. so we do a lot of talking on the phone. the problem is, he is always so pessimistic and complains constantly and worries needlessly about everything. his tone is always negative. being on the phone with him instantly takes the wind out of my sails. it gives me a headache and makes me want to throw up. if i try to say something to help him see things a different way he gets even more angry. then we end up fighting and hanging up. its like he wants to be miserable. and he calls me sometimes 10 times, the first time usually being while he knows i am still sleeping in the morning, around 7. so from the time i wake up my entire day is just listening to him complain. and his mood is contagious.
i am really frustrated right now. i dont even know what my question is. does anyone else go through this every day and what on earth should i do?
A.W. answers from Mansfield on January 13, 2007
Is there a time when he's not like this...maybe over the weekend?? You have to try to find a time to talk to him when he would be more open to it. Communicate to him that you want him to be happy and that it's upsetting to you when you see him so unhappy. Ask him if there is something that you can do to help him be happier. Is changing jobs an option?? What do you think the root of the problem is?? Maybe someone nuetral should intervene...do you have a mutual friend that could talk to him??
H.R. answers from Toledo on January 11, 2007
You are too funny!!!! Anyway sweetie, I think maybe he needs to talk to someone. I mean, if you have a heart condition, you take medicine and go to the doc. If you are depressed and angry you should also seek healing. I don't know....maybe I should take my own advice!!! Take care!
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B.R. answers from Columbus on January 10, 2007
There are deeper issues here to consider. His behaviors are just the symptoms.
How long have you been married? Children? Why is he trying to disrupt your sleep or bring you down? Has he always been negative, even before you married him? If so, then this is the way he is and you knew it.
However, if this is a recent change in behavior or has worsened considerably, you both need to be vulnerable and discuss these issues without being confrontational or accusatory. Your husband might be feeling really low self esteem, which is no excuse, but which puts him at risk for someone or something to come along and raise it. Is he underemployed? Men's self esteem is often tied into their job or paycheck.
And you can always not answer the phone every time. Tell him you will at answer such and such a time or he can leave voice mail.
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N.H. answers from Cleveland on January 10, 2007
all these ladies gave great advice, and i agree that it sounds like a depression. working through the night during the winter is really really tough, because our bodies are programmed to be awake during light and to sleep when its dark. i went through a severe depression working third shift through the winter. something that may help would be to get one of those full spectrum lights that he can sit in. also you can get melatonin from any vitamin aisle. that's something our bodies normally produce when we're exposed to sunlight. or send him tanning ;) a doc. may look at it as seasonal affective syndrome (?) or real depression.
what is important for you is to not let it get to you. when he starts in on it, like another lady said, gently end the conversation. you dont have to tell him 'oh youre bringing me down' you can say 'oh no the baby did this i have to go' or 'i'm really busy right now can i call you back' and then 'forget' to call him.
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T. answers from Columbus on January 10, 2007
I feel for you, my husband gets like this, but not all the time and not every day. He, however, got on anti-depressants, what made him really notice how he was acting was when I would point out how his mood effected our kids (at that time they were 3 and 1 -- total barometers of others feelings)
This may sound crude, but try not to talk to him so much during the day, use the excuse you were in the shower, get out of the house and have not signal, etc. My experience is that you can't help him change unless he wants to change, what you can do is take care of yourself, if his mood is rubbing off on you, put yourself in a situation where you are effected less or encounter it less.
And also try to just tell him, "you are in a rotten mood, and you are going to make me in one, and I don't have time to be depressed today, so I am done talking to you for now." I used to do that to my husband all the time, it would make him mad, but I was happier, and he usually calmed down and came to his senses by the time we talked again.
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S. answers from Cleveland on January 11, 2007
Maybe he needs to talk to a professional and get some anti-depressant medication. Explain how you love him but that he is bringing you down. Stay happy. Laughter is the best medicine. I wish you well and God Bless.
C.B. answers from Dayton on January 13, 2007
Hello S. my name is C. im not sure what you have been told so far but here is my opinion,stop walking on eggshells around him,let him know how you feel and dont apologise for it. I'm sure you know that if something isnt done soon your not goin to have a marriage to save. My husband is a worrier too and it drives me nuts but I just tell him tht things will work out .. they have to and whatever happens we will deal with it as it comes as we always do. Lay it out for him tell him that he shouldn't call you until he gets a better perspective on things. Kids pick up on this behavior and im sure you dont want that. He has a right to his feelings and so do you but he shouldnt want to bring you down. Maybe he needs couseling,maybe you can go together? Im just throwing ideas out there..let me know how it goes... you can contact me on yahoo behindthesehazeleyes75.. ttys
S.F. answers from Columbus on January 12, 2007
Dear S. Q,
I know what you are going through. My husband is cranky all the time because! Well, he says its his job he hates, or that I don't do things he ask me to or the way he wants me to or .....
He has a very negative attitude about life his, mine, ours. I have gotten to the point that I am so depressed about everything that I just hate coming home from work. I knwo he is waiting there with more of the same blah blah blah!
We have a two year old daughter, and I don't want to leave my husband and upset my daughter, but I am getting to the point where I just can't stand this anymore. He picks fights with me every day no matter what time. He will call me up and start one from work.
I wish I knew what to tell you to do, because I'm not currently doing anything myself, but I am thinking of walking out t he door. I might be poor, but I won't have to listen to that everyday any more.
What do you want to do. What is in your head to do about this?
D. answers from Toledo on January 10, 2007
Hi S. Q! My name is D. and for several years I went through the same thing. My hubby works nights, but he can't really call me so often. He hardly spent any time with me or our 2 children. We were constantly fighting. I have been reading both Sylvia Browne and Doreen Virtue books. They have helped me tremendously. I realize finding the time to read our books isn't easy, but give it a try. I read 5 minutes here, 7 minutes there, whatever. We finally went to see a therapist and learned he was depressed. I was getting depressed cause he made me feel so bad. He is currently taking a med for depression and he is 100% his old self. He would not be happy if he knew I was telling people he was on meds, but if it helps you, then it is worth it. Take care.
C.J. answers from Youngstown on January 10, 2007
Hi S. ~
I was married to one of those. It got to the point that hearing his voice, or him walking through the door gave me a panic attack. I tried marriage counseling, to no help.. I walked on egg shells as to not start a fight, that didnt seem to help either. I was miserable and depressed. I got a divorce. Good luck to you.