Counting Disagreement with Hubby

It doesn't matter which way you count as long as both parents and child know what the counting means. The reason people choose to count 3, 2, 1 is because it has a clear ending point. Sometimes parents who count up get lax and go to 4 or 5 when the child isn't listening which is totally defeating the purpose of counting! So, most positive discipline books will recommend down counting.

That said, I'm an up-counter (123) and always have been, but that works for my son and I because I'm consistent.

Honestly, you are being as silly as he is about this. As much as you think he is insisting on doing it his way, SO ARE YOU. You're both responsible for the inconsistency. You and your husband need to stop digging your heals in and reach an agreement. There is no RIGHT answer on this, but you MUST do it the same way.

Good luck with this.
T.

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Wow! This sounds like the South-going Zax and the North-going Zax, neither of which will budge.
It doesn't matter which (if there even IS) a right way or a wrong way.
It doesn't matter which way you do it.
It matters that you do it the same way.
Since your hubby won't budge--you budge.
Is he (and are you) like this with everything? lol

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I agree with Shane, if your son is able to understand and respond to the word "one" then he is going to be able to respond to something else, and it kinda sounds like of the two men in your life, your son is the only one that is "trainable." Another suggestion, from a woman who is getting to mid life and probably has a few years experience on you dealing with a husband, I would as you this: would you rather be right, or happy? I can tell you that when I started really thinking about this with my husband, it made my life much more fun. Some things are so small when you take a step back and look at the big picture, and I for one, would rather be flexible on the little things in life with the person with whom I have a primary relationship with (my husband) and to get a little more "street cred" with him when I do decide to take a stand on something I find important. and trust me, if you don't do it all the time, men listen when you do, because they asume it is not just your constant bla, bla, bla.

I really hope that there comes a time when you and your husband laugh about this difference of opinion while you are out to dinner together alone, once your kids are older and are doing their own thing. That time comes sooner than you realize. Just don't let the difference between one and three eat away at that.

M.

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It's not a big deal. Your son is a smart boy and he'll catch on to what daddy means very quickly, just like he caught on to the 1,2,3 version. If you argue in front of your son over it and point out to daddy that he is wrong, your son picks up on that, too, and thinks, "Daddy's wrong. I don't have to listen to daddy until he does it right. Mommy says so.

Let your husband count his way, you count your way, and support each other.

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This is a silly argument. Your son is not stupid, right? So, he understands that mom counts 1 2 3 and dad counts 3 2 1. You just tell him, mama counts this way, daddy counts that way...it's the same consequence...better do it!

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How about if you just ditch the counting all together?
It sounds like it's more of an argument provoker than an effective tool for your son.

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This is the most trivial argument to have with your husband. If you have to argue over something as small as this, it does not bode well for issues that are actually important.

Kids can learn two languages simultaneously, so they can definitely learn that mommy counts one way and daddy counts another way. Stop micromanaging your husband, or your marriage will be on a rocky road.

I don't think your son is an idiot.

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1-2-3... I read the book "1-2-3 Magic" - my son is two and this book works wonders for us so far...

That said, I do not think there is a right way, but you do need to be consistent. You are right that your son is confused. Pick one method and stick to it.

Good luck!

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I've alway heard it said..."I'm giving you to the count of three...1-2-3".
"3-2-1" is usually followed by "go" or "blast off" which sounds, to me, like a race, not a warning.

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We don't count at all. We used to, when our oldest were only 4, 2 and newborn. A dear friend (THANK YOU!!) asked me what happens when we get to 3. I was kind of dumbfounded. Um. She then asked why I had to get to three to make my children obey. Why wouldn't they just obey me at my word when I spoke it? Um. Now, I have to admit, I laugh at parents when I hear them counting. My children are not trained seals. They are children. We are their parents. They are supposed to obey us, and we shouldn't have to jump through hoops to get that obedience. It really does sound ridiculous to hear parents counting. Really. Who is training whom? Please do yourselves a favor and stop counting to three. Can you imagine anyone else in authority ever counting to three to get obedience? A police officer? A boss? A teacher? Seriously. Make life more peaceful and gentle. Just deal with disobedience quickly and ditch the hoops.

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I always snicker when I hear moms counting at the mall or in the park or at a grocery store.
I suggest training your child to listen the first time you speak rather than wasting your time counting. It is ineffective and sends him the wrong message all together.
For example your son starts to run away from you in a parking lot and you tell him to "STOP...come back here." He keeps going and you start with "Get back here and hold my hand before I count to 3. 1...2..." BAM a car doesn't see your son and starts backing out of his spot and hits your son.
Teach him to be obedient the first time and give him a consequence immediately if he doesn't listen.
Talk to your husband and get on the same page as him regarding making your son listen when you tell him to and not to listen when he feels like it.

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So, I had to laugh at this because my husband did the same thing! I was frustrated because for one thing it sounded like the countdown to blast off and our boy was the one giong to the moon. For another he didn't know how to count backward so this meant absolutely NOTHING to him. He wasn't trying to disobey or be obstinate, he just didn't understand.

Have him count with his son. Have him count forward with prompting. I bet his son will keep up. Then have him count with his son backward and see what happens. Maybe he will see by EXAMPLE that his son isn't picking up what he is putting down.

Hope this helps,

L.

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I'd probably count 123 as it seems to make more sense to me. I really don't think one is right and the other wrong. I never used either. The consistency is what counts. It sounds like at this point it has gotten to a battle of wills and I doubt that will get you anywhere. I think I'd try not making a big deal of it for awhile with hubby and see if that might help ease the situation. Some resources have been offered below that might help him see the situation a bit differently, but I think you both have to be open to a resolution.

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I count to 5 *

(3 never gave me enough time as a child, I was always making up my mind to obey but hadn't quite gotten there at 3, so I added 2 more seconds. Of course, my son swears for HIS kids he's going to count to 10.)

1-2-3-4-5, or 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

I count in English, German, Italian, Japanese, Swedish, Greek, Latin, Spanish, Russian, Arabic, Hebrew, & silently.

I'll also fairly randomly change the T-minus (as in, when I feel the situ warrants it), just make up a number. Like "I'm going to count to -or back from-17, 24, 14.5".

My son has not only never had any problems with switching around linguistically... but if anything it's made him pay closer attention. Ditto, no problem switching between times.

In our house, when I count is notice that I'm serious. I also alway warn him. I'm going to count to ____.

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if your husband is adamant (why i can't imagine) and your son is confused, why is it so danged important for it go the way you want it to?
your son isn't a trained seal. if you really want the counting to work, and your husband won't budge, teach your son to respond to 3-2-1. it's not like potty training. he'll get it very quickly.
i see much more worry with the fact that neither you nor your husband will compromise over something this small than 'retraining' your kid.
khairete
S.

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Please visit parentsmagic.com.
As someone already mentioned there is a book/program called 1-2-3 magic. It is not that one is right and one is wrong it is exactly as you worry: consistency is important.
Maybe get this book. As a therapist and a mother I have read and used the book. It lays everything out so simply and really explains why doing it this way is important. Your husband seems to think this is just a matter of preference difference. However, maybe if you get the book he will see the importance of consistency. Its a great tool and I am sure you will both learn something new!

Good luck mom!

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1...2...3... Moms wins this argument ;)

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Oh, the things we fight about. I've always used 1-2-3 because that is the way kids learn to count. But I don't think there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way. However, I do agree consistency is important. I wish I had a good answer for you. Perhaps if your husband sees that you get a better response (only having to go to the first number) he will rethink his strategy. It's not about who was "right" -- you or your husband -- it's about what works with your son. But I know you know this.

Good luck.

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I never counted at all, I would just tell them and the insistent tone and the "look" would let my girls know they needed to obey or else. But they were girls and wanted to be good, boys may need more pushing. I would tell your boy that mom counts one way and dad another - kids can learn to speak 2 different languages to 2 parents, so just let him know mom counts up and daddy down. Isn't it silly what we fight about? My girlfriend overhead my husband bickering about something silly and she told us in a funny way "don't you know that the important things to fight about are whether to leave the sponge soaking wet or squeezed dry in the sink, not where shoes are put away" so I guess each couple has their own hot-button issues that may seem silly to others (mine is that my husband is so wasteful - he uses huge stretches of paper towels for small spills, runs tiny loads of laundry at the longest setting (he thinks "it gets cleaner that way" but he does his own so I should not complain), takes incredibly long and hot showers so his soap is gone in days, double or triple bags garbage although todays bags do not leak, etc. etc. Try to look at his good qualities and decide whether this issue is worth fighting about. If you figure out how to do that, let me know, lol!

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I try not to count . . . but when I do, I have typically prefaced the count with , "If I count to three and you haven't made your choice, I'll make it for you" or likwise, "I am counting down from three and if you have not decided how you want to act, I will decide for you."
I know silly, but I am not the best with that level of consitency, but I do not believe there is a "set rule" just what works for you all.

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1, 2, 3.

3, 2, 1 would be the same, if your son had heard that from the beginning, but I see how using both could confuse him.

Usually, the "I mean it" look gets the job done, but if I have to resort to threats, if you will, then I do use the count-up, 1, 2, 3. Well, I don't think I've actually ever gotten to 3.

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I have two answers to your question. The first is to say that if you are going to count (which will be covered in answer #2), then I've always heard it as 1, 2, 3. Now, for my second answer. I don't count! I expect my kids to obey the first time they're asked, not because I'm getting close to #3. I say it once. If they don't respond, I say the words "last chance". If there is still no response, they get their punishment (usually timeout or something taken away). Inevitably, with the counting method, the kid eventually learns that they don't HAVE to respond until you get to 3 and you have inadvertently given them the control as to when they are going to do what you asked, if at all.

Hope this helped.

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I don't think a 2 yr old has a really good concept of a count down.
Just counting up is challenge enough.
I'd stick with 1-2-3 for now.

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Counting is extremely dangerous, plus this seems to be a game with you and your husband. What if your child starts to go in the street and you yell STOP. If he doesn't and you count, he has already been hit by the car! Why can't they obey the first time you ask.? We trained them to obey when asked the first time. Then they got praise for listening and being obedient.

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We count backward . . . and LOL for those that say it sounds like a blast off - my kids know if they don't obey by "1" I will "blast off" on them! And to answer some of the "don't count" comments, we use it for things where they look like they are going to obey but are taking too long. My kids know when I start at 3 they need to hustle!

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I used 1,2,3 but the argument for 3,2,1 makes sense to me. When you count to three, there is always the possibility in the child's mind that 4,5, or 6 could come next. In fact, as my oldest learned to count, when I counted to three he would finish to 10 for me!!! So cute, and so incredibly frusterating. When you count down (unless you have a smart*** like mine where they would say zero (and I mean that in the nicest mommy way)), there is nowhere to go after 1. It just seems more final in a child's mind.

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It really does not matter which way you say is the right way. He will not agree with you because he is feeling your telling him what to do. He is happy pushing your buttons. Sooo your not wrong, he is being a stubborn man. I do not know how you told him he is doing it wrong but apparently he is not taking it well.

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Well this may be a unpopular answer, but about the way you count... who cares? Seriously, is this worth fighting over? I would pick my battles for things that are important. If this is something that is important to your husband and he is being difficult about it, I would simply retrain your child. It will take one day. Maybe two at most. Kids are flexible and resilient and learn so much faster then we do. Just change it. Dig in over something worth fighting over because believe me, there will be enough of those things.
VickiS

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I use the 1...2..3.. counting.

The only time you count backwards is for the doctor! It's 1-2-3. I hate to tell you this but you two have a bigger problem then counting. Your husband being at work so much, probably feels as if he has little control of his son day to day, so he is trying to show some control by underminding you in even this small situation, you two can't raise a child like this, do you go over the days events and seek your husbands imput and advice or just tell him how you handled it and thats good enough. I pray you work this little situation out before the bigger ones come along, even if you get parent counseling. Hope this helped.

I don't count, if he can move on 1 or 3, he can move when the instruction is given. I would retrain him to do this with no counting. What will happen if he runs in the street, will you count then? He will wait for it.

I haven't read all the responses so I'm sorry if this is redundant, but I used to count like you 1...2...3. But a friend gave me the book 1-2-3 Magic! and it's still counting, and still in that order, but it's different than how I was doing it. It really works well, too. Basically, when the kid starts a bad behavior you tell them, ok you're at a one. If it continues, you're at a 2. If they don't stop you say, ok you're at a 3, take 5. And they go to time out (1 min per age). I have a 3 year old and a 7 year old and once I started this I rarely get to 3 anymore. The book goes into way more detail. Maybe if you and your husband read it together you could get on the same page. HTH!

I agree with you. It's 1....2....3... but I don't count further than 3. I've heard others go to 10 but 3 is my limit.

I would make daddy start doing it the way your son can recognize it!!

However, I DO count the other way when it's almost time to quit doing an activity. My daughter loves her bath time so I start counting down with "5 minutes, 5 minutes"......"4 minutes, 4 minutes"....so she knows when we get to 1 it's time to get out.

We count backwards and start 5-4-3-2-1. I never get to 1. We started counting 1-2-3-4-5, but when she was learning to count, (she is 3 1/2 years now) and was testing these limits, she would get this look on her face and finish counting for me and not do what was asked. I only start counting when she has been asked previously before and is ignoring the request, so the smirk and continuing counting really was getting to me. I switched it because it was more difficult for her to count backwards. I don't think that either way is wrong, but this was the reason that we switched.

It is and always has been 1, 2 , 3! Never been any other way.

I count 1, 2, 3. If I get to 2, I'll give them the look and say,"Do you really want me to get to 3?" With my 8 yr old DD, it's usually the eye roll and big sigh, then she does it. With my 5 yr old DS, he usually does it by 3. If it doesn't get done, they get a swat. My DD now has started the you always yell at me. Do you like to see me cry? thing. I tell her if she did it the first time I told her, I wouldn't have to yell. So I can see the argument about not counting at all, too. Just be consistent. Good luck

We use "you have to the count of three" and then count 1,2,3. Counting 3,2,1 is more like a countdown to race, to leave, to "blast off", as in 3,2,1 lets go! I have never heard anyone do it the other way for trying to get a child to listen.

I can see where your husband is coming from (like if you are trying to get your son out the door and he's being slow...3,2,1 let go/move whatever).

I think either can work as long as you are consistent. Swapping back and forth is going to confuse your son and not help your mission at all.

We count backward, but that is so they know how long they have to get something done (come downstairs, get in bed, clean up a small mess, etc.). They need to be finished by 1. On the other hand, when my kids started counting, they all started counting BACKWARD (lol). But the truth is, either is effective as long as you are consistant, you could use letters or count in spanish if you wanted to. One of you is going to have to be more mature, give in, and find better things to fight over.

Which ever way the numbers are said, it sounds more like the issue is that your husband has a lack of respect for you. Maybe you guys need to work on your communication skills first and then your child won't be confused because you will be more on the same page for other issues as well.

1,2,3,4,5 - I stop at 5.

123 when mom starts at 1 they know to take action now my 18 month old is getting the hang of it she drops whatever she has and runs.There is a cartoon that counts 54321 I have started using that with my oldest he is 7 for some reason after hearing that cartoon it just comes out but either way he now knows that I ask 1 time if it comes to counting there will be a timeout.Pick your battles with children and your husband I agree that it should be consistant 123 is how it is you have trained him he is being discilplined and this is the way we learn to count not backwards that is confusing does you hubby want his son to learn backawards?I

My husband and I count 1, 2, 3.

I have to say that I started with 1, 2, 3; however, my husband does no counting. I read something about why give them an opportunity when they should do it when told. As in Kristy's example 1,2,3 is too late if a car is coming. So I retrained myself to not count (like Dad) and focused on obeying when given the instruction to do so. Good luck.

I was always against counting altogether until I discovered with my 4 year old - it REALLY works for him at least! I have read books that say to do 3-2-1 but, like you, can't seem to get myself to count that way no matter how much I tried it at first AND my son didn't really get it at all that way. The I switched (after explaining to him my "method" that 1=warning, 2=second warning and If I have to say 3 that means there WILL be a time out. Children are pretty smart but yes it would make it way easier and much less confusing for both of you to have the same method. If he won't change his way it would be best to try to change your so you are doing it the same way. Try not to argue who's way is "right" as it really doesn't matter and in fact I would think you could even ask your son (if he's older than 3) which way he would like you both to count and let him decide. I know that's not a conventional way to decide but ask your dh about doing it that way BEFORE you do it and see if that would help solve the issue for you. Good luck!

Mother knows best! I am a teacher of young children and although we don't use this method at preschool, you are right Mom. Please let your husband see the responses you get and he see. Sounds like he needs to get on the same page as you and not challenge you on behavior tools as I imagine you are home with your son all day handling most of the behavior issues. Ther retraining needs to be done your husband, he is causing confusion for your boy. Hope this helps and good luck.

My first response is, "That's ONE." The next time I say, "That's TWO.' and it typically stops there. Which is a blessing because i really don't know what i would ever do if I had to get to three.

I also respond with, "The FIRST time you're asking. The SECOND time you're reminding. The THIRD time you're nagging and it's an automatic NO."

And to further your argument: Do we teach our kids to count with '3,2,1' or '1,2,3?' Ask your husband does he want his son to learn that he should be counting backwards? And if it comes down to it, you take over all the counting/discipline issues. Don't even let your husband get to do it.

1..2..3.. the other way is more of a blast off or race situation.. LOL

I start at one. Kids learn their numbers a\starting with one and not some random number inadvertently picked by whomever is doing the counting.

Counting gives me the opportunity to realize children need time to process what is being asked. It makes me wait and give them time instead of demanding instant results. I learned this in parenting classes, this is why many parents count but they just don't know why they do it. We don't start counting really fast1-2-3-4-5, we wait a moment between the numbers.

As a general rule in my house, if I get to 5 they get a swat. I expect them to be responding and working on what I said by 3.

So,it sounds something like this:

K I need your laundry put int he drawers, please come get it and put it up....K, did you hear me?...One (loudly)........Two.......Three...K! What happens if I get to 5...running feet come get the laundry and it gets put away.

My BFF counts backwards too and it is very annoying to me when she does it with my kids. They both have the same limit to do something but it makes no sense to me to count backwards. There is a number that is the final straw...whether it be one or 5. Both parents must do the same or it REALLY confuses kids.