50 answers

Could You Be the Breadwinner?

So I asked this question of a bunch of kids the other day:
Boys, how many of you would be willing to (in the future obviosly) give up yor career and stay home to care for the kids? Almost all of them said yes! (This is a huge change over the last few years)
So then I asked
Girls, how many of you are willing to be the primary breadwinner and have your husband quit his job and stay home to take care of the kids? Out of 70 there was maybe 3.

Really? It's OK if women do it but if a guy does the ame job he's some how a slacker???

So ladies, (I know there are stay at home dads here) how many of you who are here as moms, how many of you would be cool with your husband staying home with the kids if you could earn the money?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

If people who responded really go through and read all of these responses (Thank you all so much for sharing!) you'd see the issue very clearly. I was talking to young adults (18 to 24) and it was part of a long ranging conversation, but it was about eliciting information about their attitudes. And really you all reflect very similar answers. There are major shifts going on and we are struggling as a society to adapt. yes, the girls DID SAY they thought men who wanted to stay home were slackers, but most of them did not wish to give up their careers either. They do have very unrealistic ideas about what parenting is like. And they both are pretty committed to being involved in their kids' upbringing. They had no idea how much child care cost. The issues are complicated but the boys have shifted their attitude toward being open to being the primary caregiver and the girls partly want that but they still expressed fairly standard role views about men as providers and bread winners. I am not mentoring or advising, just asking questions which in the end help them think through the decisions they make rather than fall into them. Even here, we have women who admit they found themselves in situations that are the result of lack of clear communication between them and their partners before kids. Or a lack of a real sense of themselves and their ideas about what their lives should look like. And then prepare to deal with the world as it really is as it happens with your spouse as your partner. I'd like to see them lower their divorce rates by having their eyes wide open going in.... In the meantime they have to see the problems that will come if both parents want to be home and some one has to earn a living (just look below) Or both parent stay working and end up resenting that too. The book is called "The Richer Sex." The data set is pretty clear, but it needs to be validated in the field....

Featured Answers

I would be totally fine with it. The problem is, HE wouldn't be. Not in the antiquated gender roles, kind of way. Personality wise, he wouldn't be good at it. (Admitted, by him.) He is not patient enough, and bores far too easily. He is also not social enough to take my son and socialize him. If he HAD to, absolutely we both wouldn't care. I wouldn't view him any differently as my spouse, my friend, the father of my child, and a man.

I don't want to work a typical job again, so I really hope it never comes to that!!

5 moms found this helpful

Well, that's a pretty huge *if* on the money earning. Not unless they started paying preschool teachers the same rate my husband makes being an IT guy.

I wouldn't be happy with my husband being at home, but not because of gender roles. It's because I'm a pretty introverted person. I LIKE being at home. I don't mind doing dishes, love taking care of the garden... I LIKE puttering around. And, I should add this, it's not a lack of confidence in my husband's parenting that inspires me to be the SAHparent. Although I am a far better cook, it's really more about my personal preferences.

Does it sometimes make me crazy, going all day with very little adult interaction? Yup. Did working sometimes make me crazy too? Yup.

The grass is never really, truly greener. It's just different grass. That's how I see it. When my husband was home for six months while I worked (had an in-home preschool at that time), it was fine. We did get in each other's space a little more, and I did enjoy having more parenting support. Like I said, the grass is just different. The trick is to be happy with what you have.

4 moms found this helpful

I AM the primary breadwinner in my home. My husband works, but I make the salary that puts the food on the table. I am extremely proud that I provide for my family. I hope I am a good role model for my daughter one day.
I told my husband on many occasions, when things got rough around his work, that he could quit and take care of the kids. He was honest and said he didn't think he was cut out for it. lol I'm ok with that too.

4 moms found this helpful

More Answers

I don't follow your logic.

Your implication is that if the girls are not okay with their husbands being the breadwinner than the girls must think that the husband would be a slacker.

Your question does not necessarily have to be an "If A than B" proposition.

It also causes me to ask: how old are these kids, why are you asking them this, and what is your proposed outcome or what preconceived notions are you planting in their minds?

There is a myriad of other reasons why one parent chooses to stay home over the other parent so it is not an "if A than B" answer.

8 moms found this helpful

I'm the "breadwinner" in our family. My hubby quit his job before our first child (now 8 years old) was born so he could stay home with the kids. My job just provided more security and better benefits. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Edited to add: I wanted to add that my hubby is far from being a slacker. He does all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and most of the cooking. I literally get to come home from work, eat dinner with my family and then enjoy time with them instead of coming home and working more. I am spoiled and wouldn't ever give up this arrangement voluntarily.

I do agree that most people think my husband is a slacker and some people have even said so...I challeng them to walk ONE day in my hubby's shoes, cause I know they wouldn't want a second day.

5 moms found this helpful

Well we both work because we want to, we could survive on either income easily. Thing is the kids don't need us any more than they already have us.

If we had more kids, not happening but if, he would probably stay home because I have more earning potential.

The thing is you are talking to kids who don't even know what they will be when they grow up so there is no way they can make rational decisions. I would imagine if you asked who wants to be a doctor it would be about half the class. Correlate that with their current grades and you should have a clear indication of whether they are answering based on reality, ya know?

5 moms found this helpful

Most people have preconceived antiquated notions about these traditional gender roles. Just because 1 person goes to work, doesn't mean they don't do anything at home, and vice versa. A family needs to manage their paid and non-paid work as a family, and the traditional 1 parent at home, and 1 parent working is becoming less and less common.
Those boys who say they'd love to stay at home, are thinking it's recess 24x7. They aren't realizing that SAH parents are changing diapers, cleaning house, folding laundry, cooking, chasing kids, teaching them, entertaining. And that staying at home can be very isolating - you're subject to nap times, baby's developmental constraints, disciplining children. Your time is not your own as a stay at home parent.
Conversely, the working world isn't always a hard slog of frustrating work every day. Your time is still not your own, but working can be very fulfilling in non-monetary ways too. And how many young people are exposed to a wide variety of career options? Chances are, if trends continue, those young girls WILL grow up to be the primary breadwinners in their families!
A better conversation for kids to learn is how to manage a partnership in a family where everyone's contributions are valued, chores need to be managed by equal contributors, not necessarily 100% inside and 100% outside the home. Every household works a little bit differently, and kids should be taught to figure out ways to come up with creative solutions to whatever circumstances they find themselves in.

5 moms found this helpful

I would be totally fine with it. The problem is, HE wouldn't be. Not in the antiquated gender roles, kind of way. Personality wise, he wouldn't be good at it. (Admitted, by him.) He is not patient enough, and bores far too easily. He is also not social enough to take my son and socialize him. If he HAD to, absolutely we both wouldn't care. I wouldn't view him any differently as my spouse, my friend, the father of my child, and a man.

I don't want to work a typical job again, so I really hope it never comes to that!!

5 moms found this helpful

My husband is a stay-at-home Dad. I am only not happy with being the "breadwinner" it because I did not agree to it. If we had agreed together, or if was simply how things worked out despite what we'd agreed to, it would be cool.

My husband and I BOTH wanted to be stay-at-home parents, but instead of TELLING me he wanted that, he and I "agreed" that he'd quit the job he hated, look for work, and then when he found a job he wanted, we'd switch. Then - he refused to look until after our third (and last) child was born.

I asked his Mom for advice on this and she told me to be more patient (after 6 years and I was pregnant w/ child 3 at an "advanced maternal age"). She also implied it was OK if I never got what I wanted as long as he got what he wanted. I shouldn't have been surprised, I suppose - she is supported by her 80-something year old MOM. Grrr....

SO - I think EITHER parent has as much right to stay home as the other. But I think NO parent has the right to do what my spouse did to me - basically FORCING me into the role of provider by pretending to agree to something else. I am not sure I can ever get over it either.

I can earn the money - I'm COOL with earning the $ - I am not cool with how it went down, and I think there a more than a few Moms like me.

All that said, it's NOT "traditional" for a Mom to stay home - prior to the 50s, it was not uncommon for everyone who was old enough to work. And even now, if your family is not middle class, you may still not have the option of one of you being a stay-at-home parent.

ETA: I might have adjusted better if he werre better at managing our home - as it is, he's set modeled the way for our kids to drop their stuff, make messes, and walk off...

4 moms found this helpful

Well, that's a pretty huge *if* on the money earning. Not unless they started paying preschool teachers the same rate my husband makes being an IT guy.

I wouldn't be happy with my husband being at home, but not because of gender roles. It's because I'm a pretty introverted person. I LIKE being at home. I don't mind doing dishes, love taking care of the garden... I LIKE puttering around. And, I should add this, it's not a lack of confidence in my husband's parenting that inspires me to be the SAHparent. Although I am a far better cook, it's really more about my personal preferences.

Does it sometimes make me crazy, going all day with very little adult interaction? Yup. Did working sometimes make me crazy too? Yup.

The grass is never really, truly greener. It's just different grass. That's how I see it. When my husband was home for six months while I worked (had an in-home preschool at that time), it was fine. We did get in each other's space a little more, and I did enjoy having more parenting support. Like I said, the grass is just different. The trick is to be happy with what you have.

4 moms found this helpful

I AM the primary breadwinner in my home. My husband works, but I make the salary that puts the food on the table. I am extremely proud that I provide for my family. I hope I am a good role model for my daughter one day.
I told my husband on many occasions, when things got rough around his work, that he could quit and take care of the kids. He was honest and said he didn't think he was cut out for it. lol I'm ok with that too.

4 moms found this helpful

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