Could My 4 Yr Old Have Self Esteem Issues??????

Hi,
I am sorry that her hair is shorter than either of you like, but really, this is one of those things that happens. You did nothing wrong. It is not inappropriate for her to not like it and be sad. It would be very helpful if you could not feel so badly yourself, because whether you try to hide your feelings or not, she will sense your being upset, and this will add to her feelings. It might help to acknowledge that she doesn't prefer this lenghth and that the good news is that it will grow back. After that you can let her know that disappointments happen to you too, and that you have always gotten through them, and she will too. This positive attitude can be her model of strength.

And for the future, try to consider that you should be letting your daughter deal with disappointments a little at a time. She will grow healthier self-esteem if she has problems and helps find a solution, wants things and has to earn them, desire something inappropriate (too expensive, too mature for her) and not get it. Each time she will be upset, but will develop skills of coping. And that is a wonderful gift to provide her!

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Hi A.!
I think you daughter is just having a bad hair day!!! She's feeling the same thing all women feel when they've had a bad experience at the hair dresser. She obviously loved her long hair and is having a hard time getting used to it shorter. Being such a "girly girl" as she is she obviously identifies that with long hair. Confide in her one of your bad hair cut experiences. Help her realize that this is a learning experience to be very specific when you go to get a haircut. Best of all....it's hair!!! It will grow back in no time!

1 mom found this helpful

It is a big chnage for her and she will get used to it. Her hair will grow very fast. My daughter loves to get a mini mani pedi at the salon. I would try to redirect her attention for her hair to something else. Pretty painted nals and toes for the grown up girl. Explian to her that sometimes we might not always like a change or a haircut and let her cry but do not let her obsess or try to buy her things to make up for this. Make sure you are telling her how smart and kind she is and how great she is at other things. If she really is very morose about her hair after a week than go to a hair product store (the kind that actual hair dressers will shop at) and buy some low price hair peices that clip into her hair to make it look longer...or buy some silly wigs and let her wear them for awhile. I know for sure they sell Hannah Montana wigs. Stres sthat appearnace is not important and that having fun and loving each other is. If all else fails cut your hair short as though to bond with her...grow your hair back together and make it a math lesson by measuring it every few weeks or so....Hey that's the best adviceI can think of. I donate my hair to locks of love. mybe you could genlty with out scaring her tell her about some children are sick and don't have any hair. I tell my kids about this when my hair goes form very long to very short after I donate. You could tell them that those children needed her hair (a little white lie??? depends on your own perosnal ethics) and that they hair might not ever grow back and yours will. I hope that helps! She does not have self esteem issues and I am in the field of social services so I would tell you ifI thought she did. She sounds like a well loved happy child. Who hasn't cried over a bad haircut?

THAT IS NOT A SIGN OF LOW SELF ESTEEM! Your daughter just clearly knows when sometjing looks good and when it does not! just tell her " honey we think it looks great, but next time we wont get your hair cut like that now that you have tried it. the good thing about being a girl is it grows back, even better." then i would never bring it up until she does.she will forget about it. she's 4. you think thats bad,at 5 someone told my daugter she had hairy legs and she would not wear shorts for a long time or a skirt without tights. I felt horrible, but you just have to try and turn a - into a positive.
J.

This is Hair Trauma and it is a total shock for your daughter and you will need to give her time to adjust. Since her hair sounds like it is was really long she must of had it most of her life? so she is total shock! this is not somthing that n one day 'she'll be over it thing' her hair was a big part of her identity..

Go thru your old photo albums and show her photos of you as a child and all of your haircuts..pick up a kids magazine and look at their hair cuts..Be supportive and giv eher time..she is seeing herself different than she ever has and it wa snot her choice (maybe even call the store manager and say the cut really was over done..they need to know)

I am in my 40's and have curly hair, I hare hair trauma every time I need to get it cut and am afraid to get my hair cut as people say they know how to cut and then my bangs are shorter than anyone thought possible!! lol

I completely agree with everything the other moms have said. I juts got MY hair cut last weekend and I asked for 6 inches off of it (it was LONG) and the girl's friend who was there talking to her the whole time said, (rudely, IMHO) "If you get another 2 inches off, you can donate it. why would you get JUST 6 inches off?"

First of all, my hair was SO dry, I don't think they would take it if I donated it. Secondly, that girl had some nerve. I will never go back to that place. BUT every time I go to get my hair cut I go through the same thing. They always take off more than I want. That's why some places will cut your hair dry because when it's wet, it looks like you are taking off less than you really are. When it dries, the volume kicks in and you have a different length than it seemed when it was wet.

At any rate, I still go through the hair trauma thing every time I get it cut. Long hair *is* a part of your identity and a safety net of sorts. Just give her time. She will cheer up soon.

I am so sorry to hear about what happened at the hair cutters. It sounds as though you and your daughter handled this trauma VERY graciously, and you and your husband have been loving and kind in the aftermath. I think your daughter's reaction is normal and understandable. Luckily her hair will eventually grow back, and she is a pretty child so that she still looks just fine.

That being said, you have a legitimate cause for complaint against that hair cutter. It sounds as though you made it very clear to her exactly how much hair she was to cut: BELOW your daughters shoulders. And she went ahead - as SO MANY hairdressers do - and went overboard, causing your daughter unnecessary trauma. And yes, it is traumatic for a little girl to have her hair lopped off like that.

While you were wise - for your daughter's sake - to handle the situation as you did right after it happened, it is important that the hairdresser be informed of her error and its consequences. I would call and speak with the hairdresser and explain the situation. It is quite possible that she has no idea that you and your daughter are upset, and frankly, she should know. Especially at a place that specializes in working with kids, this is unacceptable. I am appalled that she would just ignore your directions and cut off so much hair - that is guaranteed to upset a child. And if she gives you any grief, definitely speak to her manager. At the very least, you are entitled to a partial refund of some kind. It goes without saying that you may not want to take your daughter back there.

I've always had good experiences taking my daughter to SuperCuts, they are very respectful of how much hair I request to be cut, and check with me as they go along, to make sure they are not taking too much. That way my daughter doesn't feel afraid that they are going to cut too much hair off.

Good luck!

Hi A. - i went thru the same thing a couple yrs ago. Don't beat yourself up - i know you feel terrible (i did too!)It'll grow back, how soon - noone knows, everyones hair has a diff growth rate. My daughter needed her hair cut & to save a few $$ i brought her to a barber shop. Well needless to say i will NEVER do it again, she got the worst haircut! Her hair was short to begin with, but he cut it so short she too complained she looked like a boy. I did bring her after to Rob Roys to see if they could fix it a little, but we had to wait for it to grow. Poor kid never had much hair till she was 3yr old. Now shes 7 1/2 & will be in the 2nd gr. I plan on bringing her to a new salon i found that i love, to get her a new "hairstyle". Bottom line is this is very normal for your daughter to feel this way, they become aware of how other kids treat/look at them so early. Besides if her hair was so long, & now its real short, thats a big change for her. Just think if it were you, how would you feel about yourself if a hairdresser botched your hair? Maybe talk with her more about the way she feels about it/what would make her feel better. Its a transition that'll work itself out. My daughter did the same thing, in fact i STILL fet grief from her about it! LOL She'll be fine after a while, just keep encouraging her. :)

Yes, your 4yo can have self esteem issues. I went through something very similar when I was 5. My grandmother took me to her hair dresser, and made her cut off my hair - despite my protests. It was above my shoulders and I hated it. I did not want to go to school without a bag over my head. I cried until my mom took me to another hairdresser to let me have it cut however I wanted. I was so mad that I demanded the hairdresser cut it all off. She only cut it so short, but I was happier to have some say in the situation. I still wanted it long down to my waist like it had been before, but I was satisfied that I got some control back.

Hi A.,
Oh I feel so bad for your little girl. My 5 1/2 year old is very girly as well and hates it when I even get an inch trimmed off of her hair, so I know where you are coming from. I would have your daughter help pick out some cute hair accessories for herself...maybe some head bands would work too. I think head bands look so cute with a short hair cut. I would just keep on letting her know that it looks wonderful and that hair does grow back. My daughters hair grows really quickly, however I can't say that would or could be the case for your daughter because it all depends on the person's hair. Just keep on being positive about it and maybe you could even call one of the mom's that you are around and if they have kids maybe have them "reassure" her of how good her hair looks. Maybe she needs an outsiders opinion for her to feel more comfortable. Kids know as their parents that we will tell them anything to make them feel good so maybe what she needs is someone else telling her. I wish you the best of luck and she will get through this and over it and onto the next thing relatively quickly. :) Take care.

Hi A.,

Don't worry. Continue to do what you are doing. Try not to talk about the haircut at all. If she brings it up just tell that you love it but if she doesn't it will grow back soon and meanwhile you could help her style it in a way that she likes. You could show her pictures of beautiful young women who have similar styles.

The truth is she is just shocked. When she looks in the mirror the image she sees is not familiar to her.

I have a six year old grandson and recently in the midst of a midlife crisis (ha ha) I decided to color my graying hair. Well, he actually cried when he saw me and wouldn't come to me. He was caught off guard because I did not look the way he was accustomed to. Needless to say a week later he was accustomed to the new me and had moved on.

I wouldn't be concerned about serious self esteem issues with this reaction from a child of four years old. Good luck.

J. L.

A.,

I feel so bad for your daughter, I remember something similar happening to me when I was young - I was so upset. I don't think that just because she hates her new haircut that she necessarily has low self esteem. If there are other signs though that she has this issue then maybe you could get some books to see what you can do now to start building her up. From some of the things that I've read, if parents do too much for their kids it can have a detrimental effect on their self esteem. One example I remember was about babies. When a baby is starting to walk they fall down a lot. Obviously if they get hurt we need to take care of them right away, but if they fall and there aren't any injuries, we should just let them be and try to get up again by themselves - even if they have to struggle a little. When they get back up on their own, they have a sense of accomplishment - therefore building self esteem. That example stuck out in my mind, so I've tried not to do every single little thing for my kids. Right now I'm reading a book called "How to Talk so Kids can Learn". It is fantastic in helping adults talk in such a way to kids that it builds self confidence in them. The book is geared towards building self confidence so that kids can do better in school, but the principles apply in the home as well. I highly recommend it. I wish your family the best.

Jen

I think this is unfortunate, and it is very frustrating to have a service person in any business who does not listen to you. You can tell your daughter that you will not take her back to the same person, and you can certainly complain to the beautician or the manager. You asked for a service and did not get it. You should get a refund, or a free service from another beautician, perhaps the manager. I hope you didn't tip the person. Be sure your communication was very clear, that you said a couple of inches BELOW the shoulder and that she didn't think you said ABOVE. Your daughter can learn the proper way to register a complaint, stating your case but without her being very dramatic. You want her to learn the skills to state her disagreements with other adults without being so upset that she is dismissed. This will be an important skilll in dealing with teachers, and others.

On the other hand, it's not the end of the world. It's a good time to introduce some new concepts to your daughter. Girls get a lot of pressure very early on about body image, appearance, etc. - it's really important to help her learn that we don't value each other because of our appearance, that pretty people aren't better than plain people, that there is beauty and worth in everyone. The most important qualities your daughter possesses are things other than looks - explain to her all the things you and your husband (and others) love about her. Explain that real friends are those who don't care what you wear or how you do your hair. It's fine to dress in a way that you think is flattering, and it's fine to have a favorite color and so on - BUT we don't ridicule those who make other choices, and we don't listen to anyone who ridicules us for such things. They aren't real friends.

YOU did not traumatize your child - a service person didn't listen and made a mistake. It doesn't have to be traumatic if you can keep the right emphasis on things that are truly important to you. You say that you have spoiled your child - I'm not sure how you mean this, but this is a good time to think about giving her attention and not THINGS, if that's your concern. Continue to give her attention in terms of activities that are healthy - go for a hike on a beautiful summer day, go to a children's museum, go berry picking now and apple picking in the fall, and so on. Turn your time together into valuable family experiences where you enjoy each other's company, and where you all learn something together, whether it's about an exhibit or about appreciating nature. Be creative, do fun and no-cost things - catch fireflies, watch the clouds, play in the waves. Let her know that life's important things are friends, family, the world we live in, etc. and NOT the stuff we buy.

My son is an only child too, and we resisted the pressure to buy all the latest gadgets (even now, at age 19, he laughs about how he stinks at video games!) or the fashion labels. We went to movies and museums, caught frogs, built sand castles, made mud pies, went on bike rides, and so on. He is extremely well adjusted, has always dealt well with other kids and adults, makes friends wherever he goes, and has developed into a real leader among his peers. He was sought after by colleges and is off soon to start his freshman year. We know we made the right decision even though sometimes it was hard to say "no" to Nintendo or other fad. We didn't deprive him, don't get me wrong! We gave him things we thought were healthy choices - he had bikes and trucks and legos and all kinds of construction toys and craft/art stuff that require creativity. He learned to entertain himself too, which is really important.

Good luck and I hope this passes soon!

not low self esteem just bad beuticians. You should let her cry in front of the butcher that did not listen to you. I hate it when beauticians don't listen. Also explain to her that her hair will grow out in no time and let her keep it as long as she wants.

Hi! My oldest son just broke his arm this past Monday afternoon. I was absolutely devastated. My sister was very worried that I would completely baby him and that he would not adjust to his new cast. So...she took him (and one of his brothers) home with her for 5 days to hang out with her and her kids on their farm. He had a blast and absolutely has no idea he has a cast on.

I think the moral of the story is this. We feel our kids pain much more than they do. They are completely resilient and if we don't make any big deal out of situations then they don't either. Yes I think it is sad that your daughter had her hair cut too short (happened with our oldest last year too, since then I always cut their hair myself..but I have boys might be easier), but hair does grow out and I think the quicker you get over your feelings of "guilt" the faster she won't even think about it anymore.

Hope this helps!

H. (SAHM almost 5, 3 3/4 and 13 month old boys.)

NO, your 4 year old does NOT have self-esteem issues. As all of the other mothers told you, she is just upset about her hair, as any other person, old or young would be. I am writing because no one addressed this: What kind of "Friend" would tell you that your 4 year old has self-esteem issues????? A., I don't think this is a friend. Tell your "friend" I wrote this and see what she says. Maybe she is jealous of you and your little girl. That's why she was so nasty to worry you when she said that your daughter being upset was a sign of low self esteem. So I would try to stay away from that friend. As they say: with friends like that, who needs enemies. ALSO: Your daughter got upset because little kids do not like change. Her hair-do was changed and she didn't like it. That's all there is to it. And please, get rid of that friend!

Hi A.,
The first thing I have to contribute is to completely disregard what Cindy B. said. You do NOT spoil your daughter by telling her she is beautiful. As to whether you overindulge her in other ways, I can't speak to that (you may do) but telling her she is beautiful is NOT it.
Later in life self-esteem comes from within but the first reference is your parents. How they treat you and make you feel is the basis for self-esteem. If they make you feel beautiful, smart, capable, you will try to live up to those expectations and feel that way. We may not like to admit it but feeling that we look good is part of what gives us confidence. If your parents don't tell you that you look good, that will create a void in your life. Seems inconsequential but it's not. Through her adolescence and even adulthood she will draw on the sense of beauty you have instilled in her. Don't we all feel good when someone tells us we are beautiful?! Ignore anyone who tells you that telling your daughter she is beautiful is spoiling her.

Your daughter's reaction to her haircut sounds completely normal. How many adults react the same way when their hair has been butchered?! She's a person, small and learning to navigate the world , but still a person with her sense of self. It sounds like your reaction to her feelings was right too; telling her she looks beautiful when she displays feelings of doubt and ugliness but otherwise not making a big deal. Soon she'll forget about it or make her peace with it as well.