Could Geographic Changes Effect Her Behavior?

In your treatment did you learn the Family Roles of Alcoholism and Addiction?

Because it sounds like she is falling into the Rebel/scapegoat role. It is her coping mechanism.

While you are working your recovery program (I hope), your family also has to work theirs. You ALL need help with this.

I understand you had therapy before, but you do not state what kind.

Like all therapy, it is a growth process, and you may not have been ready to "work" on these issues at that time.

If you have been clean, you brain has changed. If you have honestly been working a recovery program, then your emotions have changed.

So it is time to get treatment as a family and recover as a family.

Your AA meetings can help you find meetings specifically for kids/ families.

Contact a licensed family therapist who is also certified in addictions.

You ALL need some support right now.

well, it's a big topic. too complicated for you to explain fully, and equally too complicated for anyone to fix for you in a forum post.
first of all, congratulations on your sobriety. and as you know, getting sober, while the most important thing by a long shot, is only the beginning of the journey. living sober is harder yet.
you need to go back to therapy. i know it's easy to think it wasn't effective so why bother, but the two main things that jump out at me from that statement are 1) there are therapists and there are therapists. if one didn't jive with you, find another BUT 2) it can be very difficult to measure 'effectiveness' if you're hoping it will just give you a magic button that will allow you to relate easily and quickly to your damaged, suspicious, hurting kids. you ALL need to go to therapy, as a family and as individuals.
and yeah, that still won't magically make it easy. you have to understand that despite your great and laudable progress, their damage hasn't disappeared. you have to meet them where they are and work from there, not expect them to start acting in a more typical fashion just because you're attempting to be a more typical parent without alcohol in the picture.
after a lifetime of having a drunk parent, then an absent parent, then a guilty parent who (as you courageously admit) has been letting them feel entitled to bad behaviors, you have to take very very small incremental steps in leading the way back to a healthy family with healthy dynamics. and yeah, your kids, especially your oldest, are going to push back HARD. you've got to toughen yourself up and don't allow yourself to fall into sad defeated guilty behavior. you hold firm on your boundaries, you say no when you have to, you understand that you're going to hear mouth and sass and ugliness, and you keep demonstrating (not telling, SHOWING) them that you are here, you're not going away, you're not backing down, you're loving them even when they throw nastiness your way.
at this point think less about punishing sass. you obviously can't permit outright defiance (whatever your daughter says to you, she doesn't get to go outside and play when you've said no) but you also can't slam the hammer down every time they flare back at you. they're hurt. they're angry. they haven't been taught how to process these violent feelings. it's paramount that you stay calm and don't be drawn into confrontations. 'i'm sorry you feel so angry at me, sweetheart. i hear you. but you can't go out and play right now.'
rolling the eyes and sucking the teeth might be the utter end in defiance in a more traditional home, but right now they're the least of your problems. your job right now is to instill in your children the confidence that mom is going to be there, and mom is going to be sober. an eyeroll is acceptable.
you establish your boundaries carefully, slowly and solidly. you understand that your kids will take time to respect them fully. you deal firmly with acting out in ways that are harmful (hitting you or someone else, going outside when you've said no, stealing, running away) but you accept that the smaller defiances (eye rolling, muttering, stomping, door slamming) are the ways that children who feel helpless and terrified and don't have the maturity to express themselves get their point across.
and get family therapy.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

Your children have been through a lot. It will take time, patience and love to get past this hurdle.

I think the best thing would be to look into some kind of parenting class and family therapy for all of you.

And..... if there is some way to start rewarding/recognizing the good behavior times, that would work much better than punishing/consequences.

At this point, she doesn't know why she does what she does.... but she seems to be an extremely unhappy little girl right now.... but that isn't unusual, considering all she and her siblings have been through.

Since you are living with your mother, can you arrange one on one time with each of your children? That may go a long way for her to get the attention she is craving. Right now, she is happy for ANY attention, even the negative attention that is so prevalent.

And... congrats on staying sober! That isn't easy, I'm sure.

You and your children need help asap. Call DCF and ask about parenting classes and family therapy. Your addiction is still taking a toll on your family and although you are sober right now you don't know how to parent effectively. DCF deals with this stuff all the time. They don't want to remove children; they would rather give the support needed to keep them in the home.

Get the help now because as they get older it'll just keep getting worse.

Reread Mom B and Suz's responses.

Congratulations on all of your efforts. Your kids have been through a lot, and it is the kind of thing that sets most kids down a bad path. So you will have to be extremely patient.

Especially when you are talking about kids who have had the kind of family disruptions such as being in foster care, being extremely punitive and spanking them is NOT good. Stop the spankings now.

You have to ignore things like rolling her eyes and sucking teeth. That does not matter, what matters is that she does what she's asked. She doesn't have to like it. I have worked with foster kids and I teach at a low-income middle school, and there are tons of behavior issues with those kids. I know from experience that getting upset and punishing does NOT work with these kids, not for very long anyway. What DOES work is remaining very calm, looking them directly in the eye, repeating instructions with few words, and being patient. They can roll their eyes all they want, as long as they do what I am asking. They could even call me the occasional name, as long as they do what they need to do.

Most importantly, I enthusiastically praise any time I see desired behavior. I say things like, "I LOVE the way you all quietly got out your work," or "That is the straightest line-up I have ever seen!" Things like that. They really, really, really respond to praise, and they love me for it. But it's not false praise.

With positive discipline, you mostly ignore the negative behavior, and reward the positive behavior, usually just with praise, although you can occasionally do something more special. It is far more effective than punishing negative behavior. Punishing negative behavior often works short-term, but it rarely works long-term.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is probably the most often recommended book. You really should get it. Try to stay calm, don't take things personally, reward positive behavior and have FUN playing with your daughter and loving her up any time you can. That's the recipe for well-adjusted kids. And you and your mother need to stop the spankings.

Your children have had zero stability in their lives, start there. If you are not going to actually follow through with a punishment don't threaten it, if you are follow through 100%.

Therapy works. You all need it. I don't know how long you "tried" it but it's not an overnight miracle. I'm not talking weeks, I'm talking years. Otherwise, you're right, it won't be effective. So you've done your whole family a disservice by giving up on that. There is no overnight cure, this wasn't an overnight problem - and as I said in your other question, I think you're grossly underestimating the damage done to these children. You're stuck in a horrible cycle. ONLY therapy and major life changes will get you out. Giving up, won't do it. Going back to the same old methods, won't do it. Learn how to be a good role model, learn how to discipline effectively, learn about what children need. And remember that it was your decisions that led to this issue. So they deserve your unending patience and love at this point. This isn't their fault. They're a product of their raising.

It is not at a better way to use NO,NOT words with kids. Always give positive answers. If the thing is not possible, tell them in a convincing manner. But never show anger on them. I advice, to get your kids do Yoga daily.

Congrats on your recovery!

Write a list of house rules.
This might include: do what you're asked the first time, be respectful to others, etc.
Post it in the kitchen.
Review it morning and evening with all kids.

Explain the consequences for breaking a house rule.
Consistently enforce house rules.

But PLEASE take the time to catch the kids doing GOOD things. Praise them!

They've had a lot of turmoil in their young lives, that's true, but you HAVE to let go of that guilt to be the best mom you can be.

Congratulations to you for getting back on track!! And good job identifying the guilt parenting and the need for discipline. The hard thing nowadays is there is the huge tide of people against discipline in ALL situations, especially spanking. And if there has been unconventional trouble in the home, the anti-discipline advice is even more ardent. But firm discipline is necessary and very effective for spirited kids who benefit nothing from parents tolerating the bad behavior. Kids need real boundaries in order to form behavior that gets natural respect for parents and for themselves and therefore builds their confidence. They don't become respectful and secure by being allowed to boss parents around. To the contrary, they're shocked when they get out in the world and people don't like them and won't bow down to them. This leads to problems with teachers and friends yada yada. So. You've established you guys have had a rough time, and I don't know if you need therapy or not. A great therapist (hard to find) can be helpful, but it would not be the only cure even if the therapist was good. You don't only need to understand why your child is acting badly and sympathize with it, you need to take action. The sass needs to be addressed, but last. The worst thing my kids do is sass me, and I do slam down the gauntlet on that if necessary, but there isn't any worse behavior and it's pretty rare. If one was off the rails I'd start with the biggest offenses and gradually get around to sassing too when she's more respectful and in control in general.

Firm discipline is only effective in a very loving and positive and consistent home. My kids are horror stricken at the threat of a spanking by these ages (9, 7 and 6) because I have always been clear and never angry with it and ONLY use it when they have been warned and decided to keep acting wrongly. Now I never even need to do it anymore, because we have a general level of love and respect and they have good self-control when I give the LAST WARNING. A great book is Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

Family therapy, now, and for as long as possible. How long is a "significant" amount of time? If she was in turmoil for HALF of her life, one year is not going to be enough. My family situation was pretty f-d up, and I got myself therapy when I graduated from college - I did it for SEVEN years. Best time and money I ever spent.

Love and Logic - they have them at bookstores, libraries, etc. It takes some work/thought, but it works.