Coping with 17 Year Old That Is Pregnant and Moved Out of State with Her Father.

I don't know, I think you did the right thing. You probably, in your heart, know that you cannot support another child both financially and emotionally. She made the decision to be sexually active and as a result became pregnant which means she now has to grow up and be a big girl and take responsibility for the choices she made, which include financially and emotionally supporting her child. She has made the choice to keep her baby - you weren't telling her she had to get an abortion; you told her that if she made the decision to keep the baby that you were unable to support it.

Her dad and her step mom are saying this is all your fault because they are the ones who are now providing her the free ride and they're resenting it. Her issue has now become their issue, too and their life, free of your daughter's impending pregnancy up until now, is something they have to deal with.

Continue to tell her that you love her as you've been doing. But, remember that your two other children need you, too. I don't think you've done anything wrong. *She* is the one who made the decision to be sexually active and put herself at risk for unmarried, teenage pregnancy. *She* is on the one who made the decision to keep the baby, knowing that you would not be able to support another child in the house. *She* is making choices that have benefits and consequences, so she is the one who will have to live with them.

9 moms found this helpful

L., your daughter is almost an adult. She made this mistake on her own, getting herself pregnant. She needs to woman up to her responsibility. That means that she works out whatever situation she needs to work out to take care of the baby.

You are not able to support this additional child. You are not supposed to have to do it. You did not send her away. She has choices, L.. She could give the baby up for adoption to a loving family who cannot have their own children. She can go live with her father and step-mom who hopefully will require her to take care of her own child and not coddle her.

Just keep the communication lines open. Tell her you love her, but she made a decision that just doesn't work for your household. Your other children come first. She has to grow up fast now into adulthood - don't let her make you feel guilty for HER mistake. Make her be responsible for it. That is all you can do.

By the way, your ex and his wife are blaming you because THEY don't want her with them either, and it's very easy to blame you instead of her. Ignore them. You aren't married anymore to that guy, and his opinion doesn't matter. (He's a jerk, by the way.) That "nagging feeling" you have is because your family is trying to manipulate you into taking over this problem. You, the single mom with kids still at home, and them, married with a home and the wherewithal to handle this. And that man is HER FATHER, not some stranger. Where does the "playbook" say that only the mother should be responsible for this? Why can't the father? It's his turn to step up. I totally disagree with the idea that your nagging feeling is God telling you that you are wrong, as one poster suggested.

The other thing to remember is that your other children will be watching this scenario play out with their sister. Undoubtedly you have taught them about the birds and the bees - the last thing you want is for them to think it is okay and fine to get pregnant as a teen because they see you doing everything for your daughter, including supporting a baby she wasn't supposed to have. That's another good reason for her to stay with her father, so that your kids are learning the lesson that if they have sex before they grow up, there are consequences, which include having to grow up and leave home.

D.

6 moms found this helpful

L.,

I know you must feel guilty that your daughter had to move in with her dad because of the pregancy. If the truth is, that you can not support a baby, than that is it. It is prefectly OK for her dad to step in and help. It is his daughter too. You can help and support her by giving her advice if that is all you have to give.

Just let her know that you meant her no harm, you just don't have the resorces to care for her child. This is something she should have thought about before she decided to keep it. If she and the baby's father don't have the money to a baby, they need to start getting a plan. You had to when you had her and so does every other parent. She needs to grow up now since she will be a mother soon.

Her baby isn't your responsiblity. Should you decide to do what you can, that is YOUR choice. Don't feel quilty because you can't. Her dad seems to have the means to help her.

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sounds like that you told her what to do instead of talking with her about possible solutions. You did send her away.

Now, I'd tell her that you feel that you made a mistake and that you'd welcome her to come back home, if that is what you're feeling. Tell her that you will try to find a way to make that happen.

What are your options besides her living with her father? There is state aid. Can the babies father/family pay child support? She could go to work. Why couldn't her father help his daughter financially while she lives with you?

It may not be possible to have her at home. What is important is letting her know that you'd like her to live it home IF it were possible.

Or are you asking how to rebuild a loving relationship with her so that she doesn't feel that you sent her away and thus you don't love her. I'd start by telling her that you realize that you did send her away and you would do it differently if you could do it over. Apologize sincerely and with warmth.

How could you have done it differently? First, you could've told her that you cannot support a baby but would still like to figure out a way so that could still stay with you. Explore options. Find and talk with resources in your community. Then if there was no way to make it work suggest she could live with her father. Then let her be the one to decide. Lead her in such a way that she's involved in the decision.

Then let her decide, based on the reality of the situation which includes other resources where she's going to live.

Her father and step-mother say it's all your fault? What is your fault? That you're estranged from you daughter? Yes, you are estranged because of the way you handled this. Sounds like you didn't give her choices. You told her what to do.

I suggest that it's nearly always possible to pay for family necessities. I'm guessing she feels that having enough money is more important to you then taking care of her and her baby. That you didn't look past the financial issue. She'd like to hear you say, even tho I don't know how we'll do it, we will find a way.

At this point, all you can do is openly tell her that you're sorry and that you very much love her and want to be involved with her and her baby, your grandchild. Then show an interest in what is happening with her. Make frequent phone calls, e-mail or snail mail. Be understanding of her pain. Sympathize with her. Admit you hurt her tho that wasn't your intent. And don't try to talk her out of the way she feels. Don't defend yourself. Be calm, warm and loving.

Expect that it may take a long time for her to come around. Don't give up. Keep in telling her you love her and will help in any way that you can.

5 moms found this helpful

Did you send her away because you were pissed off or did you send her away because her dad is financially set to help her raise the baby?
I would think that you and her dad and smom need to talk to each other so you are all on the same page as to what is best for your daughter and the grandchild.
It sounds like you kinda freaked out and sent her away because you were to frustrated and NOW you are calmer and probably realize your daughter should be with you and you should be helping her learn how to rear a baby? Sometimes we make decisions too quickly especially when they are life changing circumstances involved. If you sent your daughter to your ex to punish him for your daughter getting pregnant, you definitely all could use some group counseling so your daughter feels safe and secure after the baby is born. You have 4 short months to get the train back on the right track. Surely your daughter could apply for public assistance for the baby, finish school and such couldnt she?
You might want to apologize and try to explain that your own motherly hormones went a little crazy because this was an unexpected surprise. You don't want this baby to be born with the adjective "burden" attached to him/her, the baby doesnt deserve that.
You say you feel that your daughter thinks you sent her away, if your daughter hasnt said anything to that affect, I think your own guilt is getting to you. You either decide to adjust your budget and time to make room for your daughter and her baby or you allow dad and stepmom to be the ones your daughter is going to rely on. She needs to feel wanted in both homes, not banished or shamed from either.
I hope you can fix it.
I'm pretty sure you can if you try.

3 moms found this helpful

Sometimes we do and say things in the heat of the moment. But if your finances are strapped as you say, you did the right thing. She does have a dad that she should know even though the timing might be off. She made the decision and now has to live with the consequences. Babies change many dynamics in family life.

You have two other children at home that need you and our your main responsibility.

Yes life does suck now and then but we all learn from it. Helping a person is one thing but bringing up another child is another. You are almost through parenting only to be brought back into when your life should be free to do somethings that you have waited to do.

Sorry to all the folks that want you bring her back into the fold. If she can do this and come home she will have to live in her own place and do all of the raising of the child and not have her siblings be responsible in any way. This is why many older moms say I have raised my kids and I am not raising yours.

Don't ever feel guilty about the decisions you make. In time you will see that you were right to do what you had to do. Call and talk with her and love her from afar if necessary but just let her know that is still loved.

Good luck to you and your emotional and financial health.

The other S.

2 moms found this helpful

Dear L., reach out to her in any way possible- yes, I am sure that financially you cannot deal with this, it is a lot to ask of you. In the end, it will all work out and your daughter needs you- true, it is not fair for her siblings, but they must understand you would do the same for them. Life is too short, years from now, you will all be together as family. I wish you the best!!!

1 mom found this helpful

I don't know about sending her away. She made a mistake and it is what it is. I understand the "tough love" thing, I have two daughters myself, but really if you are feeling like it is wrong then it probably is. I don't know your daughter and don't know whether she is easygoing 17 year old or really rebellious still. I think if she can be talked to and will actually listen sit her down and tell her what you need to say. She probably is very scared right now, even if she doesn't show it. I don't know about having her live with you, it can be a nightmare to have a teen trying to raise a baby and living with you. I wish you the best of luck. What I do know is I would try to not burn any bridges with her.

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She can get a job.
She can get WIC, Food Stamps, and Medicare/caid (whichever).
You can support her by providing a place for her and the baby to live.
You can support her by helping her fill out job applications and child support paperwork.
She sees that you threw her away. What she needs right now is mom, that's you. Has Dad even been involved in her life until now?

You've had kids, think of how scared she is. She has disappointed you and Dad. Is she a junior, what about next year? Get her into Planned Parenting Counseling or Christian Charities. THese places will help her make a sound decision for herself and the baby.
I think there are alternative high schools that take pregnant girls or ones who just had the baby. These places have daycare and parenting classes, she'll be needing those.

If the truth was that you could NOT HELP her support a baby, then what you did is fine. If that is NOT true, then you were wrong......... I highly support adoption but if she was willing to take responsibility for the baby, get a job, and contribute to the household, then she is mature enough to keep her child.

IMHO the aggravating factor in this situation is the divorce between you and her dad (and the new step-mom). When a situation like this arises it really helps if the parents can be a united front. Unfortunately your situation is highly vulnerable to manipulation by dad/step-mom, and even by you (not that you would on purpose).

Most girls (even us grown ones) want our moms there when we birth babies. That's where you learn the basics of how to have and take care of an infant - we usually feel most comfortable with our own moms.

Since you can't really influence her into adoption (since she has somewhere else to go for people to support her), I would approach her and let her know the door is open for her to come back home to have her baby. That being said, I would seek out some counseling for both of you so that you can set the parameters going forward. I.e., supporting the baby, not encouraging teen pregnancy with your younger children, etc.

In other words, I would probably do what I had to to get her back home so you can be there for her.

Don't beat yourself up - this is an extremely tough situation.

Good luck.

Hi L.

I can totally understand a lot of the comments posted...however, my advise is to pray about it. Normally if you have a nagging feeling that something is wrong, it is God working in you. Maybe you need to "talk" to your daughter hear her heart, remember when you were first pregnant. This may be the start of a totally new relationship, but you need to be the guide, finances will work themselves out, let God guide you and it will all be fine. Good luck, and God Bless you all.

I think that you sent her away without really talking with her about her options. If you want to mend things with your daughter, offer to have her move back home and that you will work WITH her on a plan to get her on her feet with a baby and support herself. Just because she is 17, doesn't mean that she isn't fully capable of learning how to support herself and her new child. Tell her you love her and you did make a mistake and send her away. Apologize to her for making this decision so emotionally-based and ask for forgiveness. Hopefully you can come to a better relationship and resolve the issues you have between eachother. There are programs that help young mothers with childcare, work and job placement, even housing assistance. If you want to make it work to have her live with you, you CAN make it work. Get your daughter and grandbaby home! Good luck!

M

You sent her away. That is reality, you had your reasons, but you did send her away. She is 17, she can support a child. It will be hard and she will need the help and support of her family. You cannot provide that, her father (apparently) can. If you regret your decision, get on the phone or a plane and talk to your daughter.

IMO, pregnancy centers and churches often advise the tough love approach in hopes of pushing adoption. That is what I have found to be true. You took their advice and she did just what you told her to. She is a mother now, and she is making decisions based on what she has to work with. She made a mistake, yes, but she should not be ostracized for it. Please remedy this now while you can or this could be a permanent rift in your relationship. Tough love is not always the right way. Good luck mama, follow your heart on this one.

Go with your gut. It sounds like the 'professionals' were trying to force her to make the decision to adopt. A daughter needs her mom. There is a lot of financial support for young mothers. Bring her home.