Coping in the Hospital While Toddler at Home

M., I have been through this. Not the preterm labor part but being away from my very young son for some time. It definitely caused behavioral problems with him and he was hesitant to come near. He was even worse with my husband (who was around him much more than myself). ...but my mom was the one caring for him. Anyway, once it was all over with, he recovered fine. I guarantee you it will not permanently damage your relationship with her. She is so young, she will never remember this!! I'm sure of it. Don't worry, once you are home, just try to get back into her regular routine and continue to shower her with love and reassure her. Even though she is only 15 months old, they understand more than we give them credit for. She'll be okay. Good luck with the twins. I pray everything goes smoothly.

I don't have experience with this, but I can be almost positive that at 15 months she doesn't really understand what is going on. I don't think at that age they even understand resentment either. While she knows you are not there, she knows you are still Mommy and once you are better and can return home, things will pick right back up where they left off. Also, at 15 months, she shouldn't have a decision as to whether or not she gets to go visit you at the hospital. Whoever is watching her should just bring her and then she gets to spend time no matter what. Just think of all the military personnel that don't get to spend time with their children because they are deployed. I doubt when they come home that their children are resentful. Children are resilient. They don't stay angry long.

Keep your head up, you're doing a wonderful thing for your sister and I know that things will work out in the long run.

children this age do not understand you not being there and seeing you somewhere else. She she will change her way when you are home and there when she wants you. This will be something that will go away and not be remembered. Good luck with your health and those that you carry. What a blessing.

M. - I too am a gestational carrier - in fact I am on my fourth surrogate pregnancy. My first surrogate pregnancy resulted in twins and at 30 weeks I landed up in the hospital although I was discharged after a couple of days, but landed up in there again at 32 weeks, again for a couple of days. My own kids (five of them) were left at home with Dad. Rest assured that although they missed me and were uncomfortable with the hospital, once I was home, they were back to normal. The difference is I was released at 33 weeks and allowed to go home on restricted activities. I delivered B/G twins at 38 weeks for the IPs.

As others have said, kids are resilient. She does not understand what is happening, and is demonstrating her frustration in the only way she knows. Once you have had the babies and come home, things WILL return to normal. In fact you have a distinct advantage over those moms who are pregnant with their own multiples - they have to go home to a toddler AND twins. You just get to go home and get back into your own routine.

A word of advice from one GC to another, once the babies are born focus on a goal for yourself. I am due in March with this little one, and my focus is to get fit enough to run a half-marathon in October. Many surrogates have poured themselves into their surrogate pregnancy and then find themselves 'lost' afterwards. Perhaps your goal can be to make the months following the birth of your nephews a time of renewed bonding with your toddler.

M.:

What you are doing is one of the kindest and giving things someone can do for another...rest assured that the Lord will bless you for this!

As for your little one, she will be fine. Just remember, she is only a little tike and doesn't know how to express her feelings, or even much understand what she is feeling about the situation. My daughter was 2 1/2 when I had my son. I had to be in the hospital for a week. She enjoyed having her daddy all to herself, but that's what little girls do....that's why they call them "daddy's girls". A month or so after her brother was born, Sarah had to have surgery (fairly minor, we left St. Luke's the same day, but surgery nevertheless). I cried when they took her back and couldn't wait for her to wake so that I could hold her. BUT, guess what! NOPE! She didn't want me, she wanted Daddy. It broke my heart. It's ok, it's just how little ones deal with things. "Phases" is how I look at it. She never had long lasting effects from it. I actually became a stay at home mom at that time and we had a fabulous time. My daughter is 13 now and she knows who she can depend on. She loves her dad and she wants him to be a part of everything in her life, but when it comes right down to the nitty gritty - she knows who she can count on.

I wish you all the luck and many blessings in your life!

When my oldest was 11 months I had to leave town for 4 days for a professional conference. When I came home my son wouldn't come to me, he would go to his dad who had also been gone, but not me. After the same kind of "warm-up" period he usually needed with strangers, he was back in my arms and it was like I had never been away. His "rejection" of me hurt at first because we had never been separated and I wanted nothing more than to cuddle my boy. But I think it was just his way of letting me know he had missed me. By the way, he had been perfect for my parents while I was gone, I think he was confident enough in my love that he needed to wait till I was safe and securely with him to act out in anyway. He also never showed any other problems afterwords with my absence. Just wait until you are home and I am sure all will return to normal. In the meantime, try to have your toddler with you as much as is practical, more than just in the evening if you can, and just wait it out.

By the way, I think it is a wonderful gift that you are giving.

I have no experience with your particular circumstance, but each of my two older children resented the times that they were at home & I was in the hospital with a new sibling. They were mad for awhile when I got home, but they got over it. Your baby is young; it won't take long for her to forget her current frustration. Bless you for helping your sister!

I just had a new baby too. It will be totally fine. It is important to give her a lot of one-on-one time when you get home. My daughter was really resentful and threw so many fits until I started that. Good luck!

Hang in there and know that you being away will not in any way hinder your bond. I had a difficult pregnancy with my second -- was in and out of the hospital and was on bedrest for the duration of the entire pregnancy. It was hard on my little one, but as soon as I came home with the new baby and was able to become part of his routine again, everything fell right back into place.

When I was a toddler my mom went to the hospital in preterm labor at 6 months and was there until 40 weeks. I did the same thing to her. And when she came home I loved the baby...but didn't so much care for mom. It changed, though...I got over it. She'll be fine. Don't worry about it, take care of those babies. And it's so sweet that you are giving your sister babies.

I didn't read your other responses so I hope I'm not repeating anything =)
At 15 mo, your daughter will not remember this next month. Just try everything you can to keep in touch with her. Have someone take cards and letters to her from you. Have your husband buy a small toy and wrap it up for you so you can give it to her the next time she visits. Call her on the phone, even if she just plays while you talk on speaker phone. And don't worry about it =) I know you must miss her terribly but things will be back to normal soon!
My husband left when my youngest was 15 mo for schooling for the army. He was gone 3 mo before coming home for xmas, and she wouldn't even look at him for the first couple days. But he just kept trying and pretty soon they were inseperable =) kids ARE very resilient!
Hope this helps!

Every year I go away for my "girl's week" with my high school friends and always left the kids home with my husband. The first time all went well- teh baby was only 3 months. Second time he was 15 months- didn't really seem to notice. When he was 2 1/2 -Ha! I pull up in the drive and he turns around and walks inside. No running to mama, no hug, nothing. Took him about a day to get over it- if that long. Subsequent years, subsequent trips, subsequent kids- same thing. He's punishing you (And Oh! What a good job he is doing!) and letting you know he doesn't like this arrangement- but once things are back to normal all will be forgiven. PROMISE!!! And think how wonderful it will be for him to have cousins. My kids love their cousins more than anything.

Hey M.,

Don't worry a thing about it. When my daughter was about that age my husband and I took a week long trip and would call daily, when we finally got to see her at the airport she acted like she could of cared less about us. At that age they really don't understand time. It will all be fine in the long run!

You just take care of yourself and those babies.

God Bless,
DH

She probably is not resentful...just confused. Its probably not jealousy...just not understanding. Shes 15 months. All she knows is that the routine has changed.
Just yesterday morning I was visiting with my Mom and sister. I'm 39 and my sister 43. We were talking about whan I was born. My sister had all sorts of "oh yeah, I remember that!!!" moments. She would say that doesnt really remember that much of it. Now, she was four. Do you really think a 15 month old has this thought process? Plain and simple, do you really think that she computes this? She just wants her Momma. 20 years from now, I PROMISE YOU, she WILL NOT remember.
Good luck in your delivery, and all the best to you and your family....and Happy Holidays!!!

M. :)

My oldest son was 22 months old when I went into the hospital to have my younger son. Before going into the hospital, I was the most important person in his life. It was hurtful when he didn't want anything to do with me. He just didn't understand why things changed so drastically.
After I came home and we had some kind of routine going, he totally got over it. He had to adjust to sharing me with his little brother, but we are just as close as we were before. I don't think he even remembers that time I spent in the hospital (it was 4 months ago). I promise that she will get over this and there will come a time when you will be her favorite person again.

I have to travel on business at least once a month...and very often I am gone for 5-6 nights. My 2.5 year old has to stay with a nanny as my exhusband has chosen to excuse himself from his responsibility. I've travelled since she was 3 months old.

My daughter "punishes" me on a regular basis when I return by giving me the cold shoulder. She also will not speak to me on the phone while I'm gone. BUT it only takes a day or so for things to return to normal. We are as bonded as they come.

You are emotional and feeling helpless right now, but you have to think about it how I do just to cope with my situation. There are a bazillion kids out there in much worse circumstances. You know your child is loved, cared for, and healthy. And remember...you can bond all you want and they can still end up hating you when they are teenagers :-)

M.,

You are an amazing sister and, I'm sure, an amazing mother! I am moved by what you are doing for your family, on so many fronts, and want to try to reassure you that everything will be OK. My daughter was 21 months old when my twin girls were born this past August. Though I was only in the hospital for three days, I was so worried about whether my daughter would be OK during this time and after the twins were born. On my way in to deliver the twins I could not stop crying. My husband asked whether I was in pain (labor), but I sobbed, "I just hope Frances is going to be OK!" So, I can relate just a little to how you feel.

It's totally normal for there to be some anxiety in connection with your separation from your daughter and the pending arrival of the babies. Try not to personalize the anxiety and turn it into guilt: you have enough to worry about right now. I know this is easier said than done, though, so try to remember that your separation is time limited and, over time, the memory will fade for everyone. When I was apart from my daughter, she was not angry with me, but rather despondent about leaving at the end of a visit. I brought pictures of her to the hospital to put in my room (and pointed them out to her when she visited) and in the twins' bassinets and told her how much I missed being with her. I also asked her to "help" with things when she came to visit, so she still felt important in my life. Finally, I tried to verbalize what I thought she might be feeling when she visited since she didn't have the words to express her feelings, which seemed to work a little. With a 15 month-old, it's a little tougher because she's even younger developmentally, I know, but you can try tuning in to your own feelings and thinking about what might comfort you and then try it with her. I hope, by the way, that you have lots of people to comfort you. I don't even know you, but I'm sending hugs!

I do think that you will all get through this without any permanent damage! The fact that you are so tuned in to everyone's emotions tells me that you are a sensitive and kind person who has strong bonds with others. Be kind to yourself, too, and good luck with everything! You're a superstar!

M. let me start by saying God bless you for doing this very unselfish thing for your sister. You are truly one of the walking angels on earth. What you are experiencing with your child is perfectly normal. She is not old enough to understand what is happening and this is her coping mechanism kicking in. No it is not permanent. When you get home she will take some time to re-adjust again but she will and you will make it through this transition. Hope all goes well and many blessings to you and your family. We need more angels like you.

L.

Hi M.,

Let me start by saying that I admire you for what you are doing for your sister!

Like you, I went into the hospital at 31 weeks with pre-term labor and was there for a week before delivering my second son. My older son, 2 1/2 at the time, came to visit me every day. However, when I returned home, he was obviously very upset with me. He even cried the first time his Dad left him alone with me a few days later. I felt so hurt. I am not going to tell you that it was perfect after that, because it wasn't. It took about 4 months for him to completely forgive me (complicated by the fact that I brought a new baby home 5 weeks later and was also gone part of the weekends, to the NICU). BUT, our relationship returned to normal and there is no doubt in my mind that he has absolutely no memory of that time now (clarify - he remembers things like watching the helicopter, but not the details regarding my being gone). So, concentrate on hanging onto those babies for as long as possible! You and your daughter's relationship will be just fine, so please don't worry about that right now. Good luck and I wish you and your sister all the best!!

Bless, Bless, Bless your heart- it is soo not something that will last!!! As a matter of fact she won't remember it which is a great thing- this is a great time for you to do this as those memories don't start to be retained until children are closer to 3 and 1/2. Even then those are glimpses of moments that are not necessarily clear about the circumstances. As a mom of 4 with number 3 being my hospital stay child... my first two would come and now they don't remember anything- number 3 is now 4 years old- Just keep being positive when she comes in the room and let whomever bring her in just sit on the end of the bed and the two of you talk. After a short time she will warm up again- the more consistent your family is with the visit the more she will get into the routine and will just blow right through this phase- you just keep cooking those sweet babies and I wish you and yours all the best!

i just wanted to say that you are a wonderful person and sister for giving such a beautiful gift to your sister..stay strong your little one will forever love you and when this is all over things will be back to normal before you know it..