Connecting with Future Step-children

It's hard to say how to approach the relationship with them. I have a step daughter, but I have been in her life since she was a baby. You should be sure you all are going to be married before you get parental with them. Each child will be different though. You have to take time out with each of them and find out ways to get on their level. It will be difficult because you are new to them and they are so much older already. Just be friendly and it should work itself out. Don't overstep your boundaries.

i was also 21 when i was introduced to my now step son who was 8 at the time. i did not have any children of my own and he was the only child of my now husband. i was nervous too. i just became interested in what he liked, which was sports. i went to all his games. i also tried to help with school work. don't invade their space too quickly. offer to take them places like the park, pizza, movies...but don't insist...soon they will be inviting you!! good luck

N., I was there for a number of years. It is possible to have a great relationship with everyone as a "step" parent. The biggest issue I had was the absent parent not giving me a chance to become friendly with them. If you can create a relationship with that other parent early on, you don't have to be best friends just be able to communicate, you will have half your issues covered! And yes always remember to let them know that you are not trying to replace anyone, just add something great to their lives. Keep it real, avoid drama and always included everyone.

Yes! First I would say "go slow" and keep it casual. Dont try to be their "mom" b cuz most likely they have one. (There is a great book called "EX" ettiquite that can help you navigate that dynamic)It recomends that you ditch the name "step" parent and consider yourself a "bonus parent", but that you allow the biological parents primacy in that area. Good luck.
A Little about me:
single mom of 5 year old ...who has dated 2 divorced men with a child from the previous marriage.

Hi N.,

My advice is more for you than for the future step-children! I would proceed very cautiously with a guy who already has three children and observe how he parents these children before making any solid plans. I also (as a long time college prof familiar with 21 year old single mothers!) would advise you to make sure you have a solid education and job/career before getting involved with being a step mother. Your own son needs your commitment before anyone else! Eileen

make sure you tell them YOU ARE NOT trying to replace their mother as you know they have a mother.

N., it's wonderful that you want to connect with your stepchildren. I have a nine year old stepson who I met at four. Be interested in what they like but don't push yourself on them. Invite them to do something you love with you. My stepson and I cook together all the time, I got to share something I enjoy with him not just me liking what he likes. Always remember that they have a Mom, it will most likely be a problem for her at some point. It's a very rewarding role but one that takes time to understand, go slow and it'll be okay.

I have never been in those shoes but I was a step child on a double note a few times! Have you ever seen the movie step mother with Julia Roberts? Might give you some ideas!