Confront or Walk Away from Challenge from 3 Year Old Angel ?

Hi P.,
If he refuses to use the bathroom right away, does he then pee in his diaper or underwear before using the toilet at a later time? If he doesn't, then I wouldn't worry about it. I am amazed at how big my daughter's bladder must be because she, too, often doesn't need to use the toilet upon waking. Whereas, for me, that is the first thing that I need to do upon waking.

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Ditch the pull-ups. Put him in underwear first thing in the morning. Keep him in a tiled area if you want. If he pees himself, he can help clean up the mess. Also a sticker chart for trying to use the potty first thing might help if every week he can earn a special privilege for following the morning routine.

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Mine don't always immediately go potty upon waking, they are also boys around that age. I would let him go play for a few minutes, he can go after breakfast.

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If he is having accidents due to his defiant behavior then I would pick him up and carry him into the restroom upon waking. If you don't he will only continue to be defiant! It takes the arguement out of it as well. He will learn what is expected of him after a few times. Good Luck!

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Don't push him about this, dad. Don't carry him to the bathroom and don't give him a time out. Don't fuss at him if he has an accident. There are very few things he can control in his life - pottying and eating are really about it. And he will assert his quest for control over his pottying and you will lose the battle, which will just defeat your whole purpose, so let go of it.

Instead, back off and give him a month or so. Then take him to the store and just happen to go into the aisle with the big boy pants (know what they have in advance.) Show it to him and act excited and ask him if he wants some - maybe they will have his favorite characters. Then switch them for the pullups.

Pullups are a crutch and you should not use them anymore once he can wear big boy pants. Using diapers at night is fine, and THEN switching to big boy pants to sleep in. If he wets the bed, hug him and tell him that you know he wanted a dry night, but it's okay. Act a little sad but not too much. Tell him that you'll have to go back to the diaper until he has had 4 dry nights. You can even put stickers on the calendar. And when he does, act excited. His body AND his mind have to be ready.

So, no more pushing. Wait a bit and then get him the underwear. Switch it for the pullups. After he's successful during the day, switch to underwear at night, knowing there might be some setbacks. It will all work out. Be patient.

Good luck,
D.

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I understand you cannot change mom's mind, I'm guessing she does not want to potty train??
But What kind of day care will not help potty train an almost four yr old? At some point you and the day care will have to potty train this child. As long as you do it nicely and without punishing or scolding or humiliating he will become potty trained at your house and at day care. Some kids are potty trained at day care because parents dont have the will to do it. Might take a little longer but it gets done. Many kids are trained at home and then at just take the skill with them to day care. Kids learn at a very young age that there are different rules in different places, even kids in one home learn the different rules for the library, the playground, the school and the home. Assuming your son is a normally developing child with no delays .....

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My kids are all different. My oldest doesn't usually need to go right when he wakes up, it's about 20 minutes later he'll finally realize he needs to go. My second child, she's up peeing as soon as her feet hit the floor. If he doesn't feel he needs to go yet, I personally wouldn't push it. He's learning and getting the hang of potty training so he's clearly understanding his body. I'd let him start learning to inform you in the morning when it's time to pee. However, if he starts having accidents every morning, that's another story.

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How about something completely different?

Wake him up and pull the pullup off? Then if he wants to go to the living room to play, he can't cheat and use the pullup. He has to actually get up and go use the bathroom.

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Don't we all hit the bathroom when we first wake up, I know I do.
Might be a good habit to start. He might fight you the first 3 days but by day 4 he'll know "Dad aint given in so I might as well pee and get it over with".

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I try never to expect more of my kids than of myself. Between waking up and the first Diet Mountain Dew of the day anyone requesting ANYTHING of me is likely to be met with something resembling defiance!

So when I wake my almost 4 year old up, I scoop him out of bed set him on the toilet and leave him alone (while I suck down another Diet Dew) until we're both a little more awake!

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When your child eats and when/where they eliminate are an exceptions to the rule when it comes to parenting. This is because there is nothing you can physically do to control when a child swallows or empties their bladder/bowels. Insisting on controlling either of them always leads to bigger problems.
I'd back off and let him use the diaper for now. Create a chart and offer a sticker for using the toilet in the morning.

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You want to win each battle at this age. You should gently but firmly insist that he doesn't get to play until he's obeyed you. It's OK to physically place him on the potty. Be resolved that you won't bend until this is dealt with. Your son needs that security.
This is the age when children learn boundaries, and he needs to know you are in charge. Trust me - it'll save you a ton of heartache. I am so glad I disciplined my kids when they were young. They're great teenagers now.
You might like Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. Some people swear by Parenting with Love and Logic - that's another good one.
The most successful parents have high levels of love and control at the early ages. The control is gradually released as the child learns responsibility. That's authoritative parenting.
You don't want to be authoritarian, which is tons of control and no relationship. You want to use the challenges from your child to both clarify your role as protector and leader and deepen your relationship with your son.
Blessings!

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My daughter did this.

For starters, if he is dry at night, please get rid of the diaper. 5 nights dry, training pants in my house. No pull-ups --ever. Either they are too big for diapers, or they are in diapers. They need clear communication, keep it plan and simple, and they will respond.

Bathroom in the morning: we did a lot of bedtime stories that started with "a long, long time ago, Elmo woke up, stretched, and then went potty."

Don't carry him. Don't force it. Please just tell him "you are too big for diapers. From now on, your pee and poop go in the potty. I can't believe how big my little baby is" Kiss kiss. Then, in the morning just ask "have you gone potty?" Then just make a suggestion," you have to be bursting with pee! maybe you should put it in the potty."

When I say "no more diapers" this means, let him have accidents, don't say anything negative, just have him help you clean it up and move on. Don't force him to go pee, don't push it, just let him know what is expected, and let him know that you believe he is able. They just want to please us as the end of the day, so let him be proud and clean. Take away the diaper and believe.

The please, take away the diapers and pull-ups.

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I don't recommend forcing the issue.
I bought one of those gumball machines and gave my children a penny for it everytime they went in the toilet.
I would avoid making this a control situation. Gentle reminders, encouragement and positive feedback are a great way to approach it.
I would put him in underwear as much as possible and get rid of the diapers and pull ups.

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I don't think I would force him to go, but I would take the diaper off immediately upon waking and put big boy underwear on him. I think that by putting on a pull-up he knows that he can go in that and it won't be a big deal for him because it is just like a diaper. He's too old for all that. Put the underwear on him and if he has an accident, make him clean it up. He probably won't like it and the next morning, when he sees big boy underwear again instead of the pull-up may decide this time to use the facilties.

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I agree with Abbie H. and Sandy L. Just because we adults need to pee first thing in the morning, doesn't mean our children need to. My daughter still amazes me with how long she can go without a potty break. She will wait up to two hours after waking up before she needs to go.

I am one that believes that we cannot control a child's bodily functions - sleep, eating, or pottying. We can influence and teach, but we can't force. (Really, we can barely have control over our own!)

I would take off the diaper in the morning, and let him run around with nothing on below the waist. Leave him naked at all times when you are home. Show your appreciation when he uses the potty, and calmly deal with accidents. Some kids respond well to stickers or rewards (m&m's or something) for using the potty. I never used those with my daughter.

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first of it is time to get rid of all diapers pull ups any thing he is too big not to fully trained- If he is not having accidents directly after refusing to go to the bathroom I wouldn't worry about it, but you need to constantly ask and deal with accidents calmly they will happen. It is time dad for big boy pants

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My 4y gets like this. Last night she woke at 5a to go. The day before she held it for 2 hours (total of 12h) before going.

Now we just ask her if she has to go. If we are just going to be around the house or she's going to the sitters we let it go and mention it to the sitter. If we are leaving for the store or a long trip then we tell her that there will not be a bathroom nearby in 30 mins. please go now. Then she'll usually go.

So I would just walk away. I would NOT do timeout for just not wanting to go. If he messes his pants after telling you no, then I would give a timeout.

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I would be firm about it. My son never wants to go before bed, but he will wet the bed if he doesn't. Screaming or not (I discipline tantrums and he doesn't throw them other times during the day, but for the night/bed thing he's tired, so I let it slide) but anyway, I take him and make him go, as in, stand him up there and hold him (to keep from running away) and wait to make sure he doesn't have to. He usually goes, but he at least has to try. Get him up, put on his regular underwear for day time (diapers at night-skip pull ups, they're a mixed message), and insist he goes. Soon it will become habit. Good work and good luck! He'll get it.

I'm pregnant with my first, so I'm speaking from experience as a nanny, aunt, and I've watched the whole first season of toddlers and tiaras(teaches you more than you think) Ignoring the problem will not teach them they aren't getting a reaction. They need to know that it's wrong and that you do not allow such "fits." You are a parent because you know what's best. Letting a child figure it out will only lead to bigger problems. Use whatever discipline method works for you and enforce it, and good behavior rewarded. Be confident with whatever you choose to do, they smell fear:)

Potty training is one of those tricky situations. You don't want it to be a battle of wills, but you also don't want him to learn to be defiant either. I face this with my daughter. She just turned three and sometimes she refuses to go potty in the morning. So we have changed our vocabulary a bit. We ask her if she needs/wants to potty. When the answer is no, we always tell her, "You may go X (play or eat, read, whatever it is) for a few minutes. Then we are going to try to put some pee pee in the potty, even if you don't feel the pee pee coming." In the beginning we set the timer for a few minutes, now we don't need to. I'd say 90% of the time, she cooperates when we put it that way to her. If she refuses the second time, then she may get a punishment for not following directions (time out or a toy taken away). But this is when you really have to listen and follow your child's cues. There are times when she will say that she REALLY doesn't have to go or there is no pee pee coming. And most of those times when I concede and wait it out, she doesn't pee for thirty minutes or more. Completely getting rid of the pull ups may help too. My kids always saw these as "permission" to pee.

I would let him start realizing for himself when he needs to go. As soon as he gets up, put underpants on him instead of a pull-up. The pull-up is too diaper-like and he won't feel what it's like to get wet if he has an accident. Yes, they are a pain to clean up, but a few times of getting wet and he might start listening to his body better. This is how ultimately we got our daughter potty-trained after months of her refusing to have anything to do with the potty - took the diapers away, stuck her in underpants, and let her have some accidents. Once she realized what her body was telling her and what she needed to do, she started using the potty. And what's more, she got really good at knowing on her own when she had to go rather than relying on us to remind her. She stays dry all night but sometimes when she gets up in the morning it's an hour before she decides she needs to go potty.

My son is 4 years old. He is fully potty trained and he does not go to the bathroom right away either. He stays dry all night, then gets up and goes straight to the kitchen for breakfast. He will eat, get dressed, comb his hair. I have to actually TELL him that he's gotta use the potty before we leave because we are in the car for a half an hour before he'll be at school. Sometimes I forget and he'll tell me in the car that he has to go. I don't know how they do it, but I guess some little guys have bladders of steel!!!

If he usually holds it all night I would not have him in a diaper at night and pull ps are a waste f money. You should just put him underwear 24/7.

My 4 yr old holds it all night and he usually doesn't go to the bathroom right away.

It's great that he can hold it all night. At almost 4, he is ready to be fully trained. Pullups aren't necessary and prolong training. Either a kid is still in diapers or ready for training pants/underwear. Pullups are a type of diaper and he is too big to be in diapers. If you don't take him right to the bathroom, will he pee himself? He might be less likely to do that if he's in underwear and not a pullup diaper. If he refuses to use the bathroom and have an accident, then punishment is in order. If he would go and play and then take himself to the bathroom when he is ready, I would not push the issue. Good luck

We were in a similar situation this summer, just before my son turned 4. We used pullups and nighttime pullups. He was refusing and there is little they have control over in their life. I let it go. He has control over what goes in and what comes out. He was dry all night and if he peed before he got out of bed, it usually leaked out and he helped change the sheets and load the washer. If he wouldn't change his pullup when it was wet, then he helped clean up any accidents. When school was about to start, he decided he wanted to be like the other kids in his class and use underwear (wasn't actually a choice). He was ready to take control of the potty going. This all occurred shortly after he turned 4 and about 2 weeks before school started.

Do not try to force him or punish him. Some children do not use the toilet until they have been awake for a while or even after breakfast.

If he is dry most days after 10 hours of sleep he is ready to use the toilet and diapers (pullups are diapers also) are only delaying total potty training. What I would do is take him on a special shopping trip and let him pick out big boy underwear. Make it a fun outing and a big deal. Then when you get home, put them on him and get rid of all diapers and pullups. Tell him he will now go in the potty. Be calm, give positive reinforcement for going in the potty and have him help clean up after any accidents. Do not punish, just be matter of fact about accidents.