Concern

Updated on June 18, 2013
E.D. asks from Coppell, TX
13 answers

My son's dad has informed me that our 9 year old son was caught kissing his half sister who is 3 yrs old . Not just a peck on the cheek or peck on the mouth either. His wife walked in on them and my 9 yr old immediately jumped up and when his stepmom questioned him, he denied it. She had already seen them though. My son finally admitted it and begged his step mom not to tell his dad. When his dad found out, he was very upset and told him it was very wrong, and he was going to tell me. He also spanked him. He made my son apologize to me for what he had done, and his stepmom..the thing is, that when my son was 6, he was caught, while visiting his dad, doing the same thing with a little girl around his age who was related to the stepmom. A niece, I think or cousin. His dad didn't tell me at first and spanked him. I found out months later when his dad told me and I was mortified. We both explained to him back then that that was something adults did, and not with family members. His dad thinks he has handled it and I pointed out that if spanking did not help the first time, it isn't going to help now that he is 9. I asked his dad to please not leave him unsupervised as I never do when he is home. I don't allow him to watch inappropriate movies or tv. I monitor his computer time and content. His friends come over and play and he goes over to friends homes and he has never done anything like this before.. I watch over him like a hawk. He is my son and I am so worried now.His dad and I asked if anyone else has ever done anything inappropriate to him, anyone at all and my son said "No". What else can I do to make sure he understands this is wrong? Besides telling him? It would still be inappropriate if it weren't with a family member because he is 9. The fact that it is his half sister makes it worse somehow. Should we see a couselor? Please help, he is my only son. His dad has a little girl and a baby boy with his wife. My son visits them every other weekend and for a month in the summer. July is when he will visit and I am very concerned.

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So What Happened?

I did not and will not spank him or embarrass him. His dad told me it was not a peck and that it was a kiss only adults do. Of course he loves his sister. Of course I kiss my son on the mouth and cheek. I do not think making out with his sister is okay and that is what I am hearing from his dad and step mom. I apologize if I was not clear.
THANK YOU EVERYONE!
My ex and I will never agree on the spanking part. I am so disappointed that he felt the need to spank him, when he was not even THERE to see what happened. The only person who saw what happened was his step mom. There was another incident where my son was kissing another little girl in the closet and he was also spanked by his dad, again I did not condone that nor did I know it happened until much later. I am not saying step mom is lying either. It COULD have been innocent. If it wasn't innocent, it could have been that he was curious. Either way, his dad and step mom handled it wrong.
Everyone seems to agree on one thing, and that is counseling. I will keep you all updated, and thank you so much for your input. It has really helped me see things in a different perspective. And I appreciate the support. I am a single mom so any help is wonderful.

Marda, I do not agree with the immediate punishment my son received from his dad. I have never ever had to spank him. If he was just curious and wanted to experiment, I would understand. The only reason we asked if anyone did anything inappropriate was because we didn't know why he chose to do that, he knows making out with his sister isn't okay. It does help to know different views and I know it may not have been sexual. I am just concerned, I would never forgive myself if I over looked something serious. I have not seen my son, or punished him. He is still at his dad's. I am not sure what I will say or do yet. I m just worried.

I do not believe he has been molested in any way. Not while he is home with me. I can tell that when he is at his day's he is allowed to visit and sleep over at other people's homes. I don't hear of this til afterwards and his dad allows it. I know tv isn't monitored because my son tells me what he watches. They are much more linient with that. There's only so much I can do when he goes over there, unless I get a judge to rule it, and I don't know that I have to go there yet. I know my son is scared, he got spanked and I hate that. I won't spank him or embarrass him. I would like him to trust me and talk to me. And now I doubt he will. It saddens me because we have always been close.

I spoke to my son, told him I love him and always will be here for him. I told him I was truly sorry he got spanked and that I was not going to punish him. All he told me was that he was sorry and that he did not want to kiss his other friends like that because they were just that, his friends. He seems to believe that his half sister (his dad and step mom's child) was okay to kiss that way, and he admitted to trying to French kiss her, only he did not use those words exactly. Because he doesn't know what it is called of course. What was really worse for me was that his dad and step mom had suspicions that he had been doing that for a while with their little girl, more than once, and neither one of them talked to me or my son about it. They let it go. I am sure their intentions were good somewhat, perhaps they did not want to jump to any conclusions without proof, perhaps they wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Either way, we have a lot of healing to do. My son especially. I did not punish him. I tired to talk to him but unfortunately, he is still too embarrassed and humiliated to talk to me about it too much. He only admitted to doing it, trying it with her more than once, and tried to explain to me why it seemed okay to do that with his sister. It is a very unfortunate the way it played out for him. My ex did not handle it as best as he would've liked. Even he regrets spanking him and questions if he handled it correctly. To me, all that matters now is my kiddo. We will go to counseling, only to try to establish good relationship understanding. I've set boundaries, rules, but I'm also a lot more open to communication with him. Yes, I may 'watch him like a hawk" but honestly, I am more linient than his dad when it comes down to it. I know we will get thru it, and I appreciate all your support and advice. I will keep you all posted.

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D.J.

answers from Atlanta on

Yes, please run to the counselor. I would be mad and concerned all at the same time. He's kissing his 3 year old sister, what will he do to her next? Make an appointment TODAY

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M.O.

answers from New York on

It seems like there are two possibilities, and they happen to occur at opposite ends of a continuum. It IS possible that your son was molested and that he's acting out inappropriate behavior. It's just as possible that he's got some natural curiosity and is wholly innocent about why his actions would be considered inappropriate. I know it's unbelievably hard, but I would recommend acknowledging that you just don't know.

And, I would recommend counseling either way.

Good counseling does no harm. Kids often perceive it as a form of play, and if nothing else, it will help him be comfortable expressing his feelings, which will be a lifelong benefit. But, on the terrible chance that something did happen, he really, really needs it.

I do recommend choosing a counselor carefully. Try asking your pediatrician's office, or his school, for a confidential referral. But think of it as an insurance policy, or a benefit either way.

10 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

hm. many many kids are curious (they see WAY more than we give 'em credit for) and want to explore.
of course, we head this off, parent carefully, and explain to a child who is curious about unchildlike things that they have to wait until they're grown up to explore further. we use age appropriate language to do this.
i don't think hitting or shaming him is appropriate.
his dad can be very firm and stern without making him feel like a pervert or hitting him. he's just a little boy, and he doesn't understand why he has sexual feelings (yes, those of you who are hyperventilating, children do.)
i don't think the answer lies in either hitting him, or never leaving him unsupervised. children need privacy and solitude just as much as adults do.
a counselor is a good idea, as it will give both you and his dad better tools to deal with this, and to handle any repercussions from the fear and shame he now feels.
khairete
S.

8 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Not that you asked but you really should talk to your husband about spanking a 9 year old. That in my opinion is way worse than kissing his sister. Was his dad purposefully trying to humiliate your son?

7 moms found this helpful

J.B.

answers from Houston on

I totally think his father overreacted and if you guys don't get into agreement things could get bad for your little guy. I think the first thing to do when walking up on kids in a moment like this would be to say very calmly 'hey there, what are you guys doing?' And see what the answer is. I say this because I walked in on my almost six yr old and three yr old in the tub mouths open, flicking each other's tongues, what to an adult could look like an erotic French kiss. I paused and said 'hey guys, what's going on?' They started giggling and said 'we're switching voices!!' They had seen an episode of Fresh Beat Band where the characters had changed voices, so they decided to change their voices :). So you may want to talk to your ex about how to approach the situation. I believe with kids always ask questions first. Your son may still have no real clue why he got spanked. I think sometimes in blended families this is harder. My husband had this happen once, his half sister was in her bed naked and he was swinging on the door frame telling her to put some clothes on, his step dad saw the scene differently, snatched up my hubby and spanked him, when my hubby had done nothing. It took him years to forgive him for that one. So I say have a heart to heart about all this with his dad and maybe see if you guys can agree to approach these things with questions first. Good luck!!

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D..

answers from Miami on

You need to get him to a counselor. Right NOW. If you don't, he'll be doing this as a teen and he could end up in juvie.

It's important for a professional to work with him. You and your family don't know how to properly handle it. You aren't professionals, so you aren't supposed to know! PLEASE take the bull by the horns on this. Don't let this man just wish the behavior away.

6 moms found this helpful
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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Wait a minute, am I missing something here? Since when is kissing your sister wrong? Maybe he loves her.

Unless this was some really long, prolonged kiss, involving a tongue, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. Maybe he's just really affectionate.

How sad that you punish him. If the kiss was highly inappropriate, spanking him is still not the answer. Spanking him for this is going to create a seriously troubled child when he gets older. If you are sure this is sexual, you might try family counseling. But stop all the spanking.

I completely agree with Marda.

4 moms found this helpful

E.A.

answers from Erie on

1000 flowers to Marda.
Also, one thing we parents sometimes forget is that step siblings understand that they are only related by marriage. The taboo surrounding more intimate activity in siblings often does not translate to those not blood related in the brains of children and adolescents. I suggest this was a child experimenting, albeit inappropriately, with something he was curious about, nothing more. The little "sister" seemed safe to him because she is both family, and NOT family. And unless it was more than you say here, he was doing something I have known MANY kids of that age to do, the lack of impulse control coupled with simple curiosity seems the most logical explanation.
As adults, we live in a sexualized world, and we have to remember that their world is not like this. He hasn't even hit puberty yet, we have to look at it from his point of view, not muddy the waters with our own perceptions of what kissing means to adults.
The spanking really bothers me, I could not allow that, but I'm not in your shoes either, so I see how that would have to be put aside to deal with more important issues. Yes, see a counselor and let him work out his feelings about it with that person.

4 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Yes, seek help. Counselling, and even a psychiatrist. This needs some intervention.

3 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

The 9 yr old should know to keep his hands/feet/lips/body parts to himself.
Most 9 yr olds think 3 yr olds are sticky and kind of gross.
He needs some sport to keep him busy and out of trouble..
Sign him up for taekwondo.

2 moms found this helpful
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L.M.

answers from Reno on

First, I am curious why your son was made to apologize to you and his step-mother? That seems odd. He didn't do anything to either of you. He should have (in my opinion) been told to apologize to his 1/2 sister.

Other than that, you need to get to the root of this behavior. Wait til things settle down and have a "sit down" with him and discuss this behavior in a calm and non-judgmental way. The worst thing to do is make him feel like he's a bad person, doing horrible things. There's a possibility he's learned this behavior from others. If your momma senses go off while you're talking with him, you need to get him to some sort of counselor. I'm not saying anything has happened to him or that he's done anything else, but momma senses are usually right on target.

Also, I think you're doing great by asking for advice.

Perhaps you can start your conversation with letting him know you love him and are not mad and ask him why he kissed her the way he did? Be sure to be patient and listen. Kids don't like being put under the "interrogation spot light" and will become defensive or just shut down completely.

Best of luck!!

L.

2 moms found this helpful
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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

What's jumped out at me is that you "watch him like a hawk" and dad is more permissive and laid back.

It could be that he is just curious. He sees the kissing on tv when he stays with dad and he's curious. I clearly remember asking my dad to "kiss me like they do in the movies." I was curious as well. Of course, he didn't, but had I had a younger (or even older brother), I might have asked them to do that.

I truly think it's normal curiosity. I also think, however, that you should relax your grip on him a bit. Too much hovering and not enough real life experience can cause him to get in much more serious trouble later when he's curious about other things.

2 moms found this helpful
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B.W.

answers from Dallas on

Has anyone asked him why? very important to do so....then ask him if he thought that was ok...etc....good luck

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